Classifications: V,S,A Spoilers: None Ratings: PG Summary: A stalker makes his move against Scully. Don't assume anything. Written from the stalker's point of view. Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the television program "The X-Files" are the creations and property of Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting, and Ten Thirteen Productions, and have been used without permission. Based on a Dean Koontz novel to whom a great deal of inspiration is attributed. No copyright infringements are intended. This work is not to be forwarded or distributed to any newsgroup, FTP, or WWW site without the permission of the author. ************************************ I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT HER 1/1 By Patty Hayes YRLD43A@prodigy.com August 3, 1997 ************************************ I didn't mean to hurt her, really I didn't. I loved her. I could never hurt her. She was just so stubborn. I had to show her what her stubbornness would do. You have to remember that when you judge me. As I know you will. It was never my intention to harm her. I watched her for months, coming and going. So independent, so strong. She lived alone you know. Well, most of the time. Occasionally a man came over. A tall man with dark hair. I think they worked together. He rarely stayed the night and when he did, he slept on the couch. I made sure. No one was good enough for her. No one. No one. She worked for the Bureau down town. I followed her there many times. She looked so sharp in her maroon suit. Always wore a white silk blouse with that one. It really set off her hair. So rich, so red. Always perfect, never a strand out of place. Never. Her hair was as stubborn as she was. I took to spending my days following her, just to be near her. I'd be standing behind her in line at the post office. She'd never known. Never. Never. She never noticed me. Never. I watched her sleep. I could see her through her window most of the time from the roof across the street. She was so beautiful, her red hair displayed across the stark white pillow like blood seeping from a wound. So beautiful. So beautiful. But sometimes, I'd be in her room with her. Silently watching. She never knew. Once, I barely made it out before she awoke. I loved seeing her in the mornings. So fresh, so beautiful. I just wanted one morning with her, that's all. But she had to be stubborn. So stubborn. The bitch. I didn't mean that, really I didn't. I say things sometimes I don't mean. You can't put that down, I didn't mean it. But you will anyway. Go ahead, you'll see how much I loved her. She was just so perfect, so perfect. We would've made beautiful children, children with copper red hair and alabaster skin. Beautiful little children. But we won't now. She's gone, isn't she. Gone. Her work took her out of town quite a bit. I didn't like that. I couldn't keep my eye on her then. I didn't know what she was doing, who she was seeing. I don't think she ever slept with her coworker, no, I would've known. I'd have been able to tell. I'd have known. No, she wasn't, not with him. It's funny how people don't see the ones around you. I swear, I stood next to her more times than she saw her mother over the past three months and she never saw me once. I even spoke to her. Can you believe it? Her smile was just so, so perfect. Her full lips turning upwards at the corners, her white perfect teeth shining, her eyes dancing as she spoke. I was in heaven. I wanted more. More. More. To touch those lips, to have them smile at me. I think she became spooked a couple of times. I think she could sense me near. It was actually exciting, her being able to know I was there. It excited me like nothing else. I could see her stop on the street and turn around, looking, looking. But she never saw me, never. I could've been standing right next to her and she'd have never seen me. The bitch. Why didn't she see? I was right there. Right there! Am I invisible? Do you see me? I'm here. I was there. But she didn't see. No. Wouldn't see. Anyway, I followed her home from the grocery store one Sunday. She had several packages. I offered to help. She smiled and allowed me to carry the packages. I was good enough for that. But nothing else. She even offered me money. I almost lost it right there. Seeing the money in her hand simply enraged me. I was surprised she didn't even see that. But I kept my calm, I smiled at her and shook my head graciously. "That's what neighbors are for." I told her. The door closed in my face. I stood there, taking several deep breaths before I left. So ungrateful, she was. So stubborn. But I loved her still. I always loved her. She was one of a kind, there will never be another. It's a shame she had to die. You have to believe me when I tell you I never meant to kill her, it was her doing, she shouldn't have resisted me. She forced me to do it. I didn't want to, you have to believe that. I know that you will judge me fairly, for that is your job and I trust you to do it. But I digress. You want to know what happened. I'll tell you, but you have to understand that I loved her. Do you understand that? Yes? I know you do. Well, I'd decided to initiate a second meeting, even though I'd been close to her so many times before. I met her coming home and started talking. Just the usual pleasantries. But she ignored me. Not completely mind you, but she just nodded toward me and kept walking. Do you understand that, just a simple nod and off she was. So ungrateful, so inconsiderate. But I couldn't be mad at her for long. That night I watched her changed into her night clothes. Her skin, so white and silky, like milk, cool and smooth. I could feel her skin just by closing my eyes. But I had to keep watching, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Her legs so shapely. Not long like you'd see on a model, but such beauty in them, so perfectly shaped. And her breasts, so round, so firm with the nipples standing so straight and hard. Then she moved her hands down her body and I had to close my eyes to keep from going over the edge. When I opened them, she'd put on a top, sort of a long tee shirt, I guess. It didn't do her justice. She'd slept in the nude before, I'd watched her many times, as I said. Sometimes when the weather was warm, she'd leave the window open and the breeze would ruffle the drapes and the sheets and her hair. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. But you don't want to hear about that, do you. Anyway, when she brushed me off, it angered me, but like I said, I couldn't stay mad. I loved her too much. She made me smile. Okay, well, the next morning was the start of a weekend and I knew that she wasn't going anywhere. I'd heard her tell her mother on the phone. I had listening devices keyed in where I could hear what she was saying. I couldn't hear the other party, so it wasn't really eavesdropping, not really. She told her mother, she was spending the weekend locked up, taking it easy. It was perfect timing. I entered her apartment early the next morning and began setting up. It didn't take much, I'd been working on the apartment every time she went out of town. Those were my favorite times, to be near her by being near her things. Her presence was always there, her smell, her spirit. I slept in her bed one night. Does that surprise you? I know it was a dangerous thing to do, I had no idea when she was returning, but it was so exciting, so soothing. I could feel her next to me. Yes, I could feel her, imagine her, see her .... Yes, yes, I'll get back to it. I installed insulated glass, double paned. Left a note for her saying it was from the manager of the apartment building, she never knew it really wasn't from management. I changed the lock on the front door while she was still sleeping. I'd become quite adept at doing it quickly and quietly. I practiced every day on my own door. As I said, it was perfect timing, her only neighbor was gone for the weekend, so there was no one around and once I dropped the security bars outside the windows, there was no way anyone could get in or out of that apartment. I wanted her to be comfortable. I could've taken her away from there. I want that written down. I wanted her to be in a familiar place. A comfortable place, her place. I was looking out for her best interest. Make note of that, I think it proves how much I loved her. I was cooking breakfast when she woke up. I had taken her gun already, and her spare in the dresser drawer, so I was prepared for her anger. But I wasn't prepared for her 'anger'. She wasn't in the least bit interested in the work I'd put into preparing the breakfast, she wouldn't eat anything, actually she just about destroyed the kitchen. It took me several hours to straighten things up. She came out swinging. Got in a few good hits, actually. But I took control and had her in the chair, of course I had to handcuff her. For her own good, mind you. She could've hurt herself. I didn't want that. Not at all. I was mistaken, though. I thought that after a careful explanation, that she would appreciate my efforts. I had hoped that she would come to see things my way. To see how much I loved her and how good we would be together. But nothing worked, I didn't understand, I still don't. She fought like a wildcat, though. It still amuses me, her feistiness, her strength. But I was wrong. Still, I was determined to make it work. All day, I talked to her. Told her that I was the man for her. That we would be perfect together and that I could take care of her. She wouldn't have to work anymore. I have quite a bit of money, you know. I could take care of her for the rest of her life. She would grow to love me. I'd bought a ranch in the mountains, it was ready. We were set to go. Only she wouldn't go. But more than that, she said such hateful things. Such hurtful things. I loved her and she hated me. It hurt deeply. I'd try to make her understand, but she was so stubborn, so stubborn. So I hit her. I instantly regretted it. But she provoked me, I know that's no excuse, but she was so hateful. She just kept on and on and on. Calling me names, names I refuse to repeat. Surely you now how that would make me feel. I begged her forgiveness, but she refused. So I left her alone. Sitting in the chair, alone in the kitchen. Of course, I could still see her, she just couldn't see me. >From where I sat I could see her trying to break loose from her bonds. I could see the determination on her face and loved her all the more for it. But I knew she had to be taught that her mean spiritedness could not continue. So I entered the kitchen again. It was a gas stove and I turned the burner on high. You could hear the click of the gas jets. I held the fire poker in the flames for a long time. A long time. It was red hot when I removed it. I held it close to her face. I didn't say anything at first, I just watched her eyes, the fear and the anger in her eyes. I hated it. I didn't want to do this, but she had to know how serious I was. I moved it slowly in front of her so that she could see the heat. Held it close to her face so that she could feel the heat. But it didn't deter her, she just spat at me. Can you believe it? My arm dropped before I could realize what I was doing and the bar touched her thigh. She screamed in pain. It was only a light touch, not even a third degree burn, I knew the scar would be minor. I turned off the burner and left the room. I didn't want to hear her scream, she had to be punished, but I couldn't stand to see her in pain. I sat on the couch and tried to cover my ears as she cried out in agony. It subsided after just a few minutes. As I said, she was a strong woman. When I returned I talked again about our life together, this time she didn't respond. She wasn't agreeing just yet, but she'd learned her lesson, she wasn't openly hostile anymore. I gave her special privileges. She was able to go to the bathroom without me being in the room. It was suddenly a mutual trust. I treated the burn, by the way. I couldn't just leave it, I want that known, I treated the burn with a cream. To cool it, to heal it. Night came and I thought it would be better if she could lie in her own bed, so I moved her. She was tied to the bed, actually, I think I didn't need to, but I needed to sleep and I had to have the extra security. Rape her? No, I wouldn't think of it! I'm surprised you would ask such a thing. No, when we 'made love' it would be of mutual want. I am a patient man, and an honorable one, I would never have raped her. I want that known here and now. Never. Never. I loved her. She would've loved me in time. She would've. Yes. I was very surprised when I awoke the next morning. Sunday morning. Her wrists were red and bloodied as were her ankles as she had tried to free herself from her bonds. Actually she had managed to get out of two of the ropes and was almost free. She struck out at me, kicking, screaming, fighting. I was forced to hit her again. God, why did she make me do that? I didn't want to, you have to believe me. I heard the bone crack. I'm sorry, can I have a tissue, please? You see how much I love her? It makes me so sad to speak of this. So sad ... Yes, all right, I'm fine now. She was ... unconscious for a while. I doctored her wrists and her ankles and put gauze around them so the handcuffs wouldn't chafe them anymore. Of course, her privileges were taken away. It would take longer than I had anticipated. Her jaw wasn't broken as I had thought, but her face did swell. If was awful to see her like that. Her beautiful face, her alabaster skin turned purple and black, it made me sick to my stomach. The bruise went up to her cheek bone. I began to worry about her, she was unconscious for a long time. I kept watching her, I sat by her side for hours. I wanted her to eat something today, she hadn't eaten the day before and she'd need her strength when we got to the ranch. I had planned on leaving in the early hours Monday morning. I began to suspect that I would have to drug her for that. It would take much longer than I anticipated for her to come around to my way of thinking. I didn't want to drug her, it would be difficult to remove her. But more than that, I wanted it to be her choice. I would have to wait for that however, I'd have to wait. Much longer than I thought. She had just opened her eyes when the doorbell rang. We weren't expecting anyone. I'd just gotten my hand over her mouth, just in time. It caused her a great deal of pain, but she was going to scream out. I guess it really didn't surprise me that she would try to scream, what surprised me was the hope I saw in her eyes. She actually thought she was going to get away from me, that she wanted to get away from me was such a shock. We both heard the voice, he called her Scully. Shouted it a couple of times, banged on the door. Then I heard the key in the lock. My God, she'd given him a key! Who did he think he was that he had a key to her apartment? When it didn't work, I knew it would be a problem. He'd be back. I'd have to work faster. I'd closed the bedroom drapes tightly the night before. I could hear the man come up to the windows, peering in like a peeping tom. I tried to think what might be of upset in the other rooms. The kitchen had no window, so that wasn't a problem, nothing was out of place in the living room, so that would be all right. Nothing was out of place, nothing of suspicion to draw him in. A few minutes after he left, the phone rang. I let the machine answer it. It was him. "Scully, if you're there, pick up. If you're screening, I need to talk to you. What'd you change your lock for? Call me when you get home." That's what he said. I breathed a little easier, I thought maybe we wouldn't be troubled by him after all. I decided to put the drug in her water and food, I knew she wouldn't take it knowingly. It was hard for her to eat with her sore jaw, but she could sip through a straw, so I made her a milk shake. It was still a bit painful, I could tell by her expression, but she drink some, almost half a glass. I could tell the drug was starting to take effect, her eyelids were drooping. I couldn't remove her in broad daylight, I'd have to wait until dark at least. I figured I'd continue with the milk shakes, by nightfall, she'd have enough of the drug to keep her quiet for several hours. But she wouldn't drink anymore. She knew what I was up to. "I won't let you drug me." She said. "Why are you resisting me? Why? When I love you so much?" I asked her. I begged her to understand. Things turned right then. I knew that she'd never love me the way I loved her. Never. Never. No matter how hard I'd tried, she'd never love me. She began saying hateful things again, hurtful things. I could feel the anger building up, I tried to keep it down, I tried hard. I hated her at that moment. The bitch. She was so mean to me. I hated her. Hated. I wanted to hurt her right then. I didn't really hate her, it was just the heat of the moment. I even left the room to cool off. I was sure I would've hit her again but I didn't want to, I didn't want to hurt her. The hurtful things she said, she was so mean. I sat in the living room with the gun in my hand for almost an hour. Turning it over and over, I felt the coolness of the metal, smooth in my hands. Almost soft. Surprising against the harsh reality of what the weapon could do. Would do. Tears stung my eyes, I didn't want to do this. But she wouldn't cooperate. And if I couldn't have her .... I know, it sounds so classic, doesn't it. But when it comes right down to it, that's what is important. You see, I couldn't bear to think of anyone else with her. We'd have to die together. I touched the metal to my face, it was so hot suddenly. Maybe it was the tears, I don't know, but it seemed to burn. I went into the bedroom and sat in the chair next to the bed. She saw the gun in my hand and became nervous. She licked her lips, looking from me to the gun. "You don't have to do this." She told me. But I did. I did have to. I cried again. I'm shamed to say that, that I cried in front of her. She didn't say anything, she just stared at me. Maybe she felt shame too, I don't know. I began to think of how I'd never be with her. Not in the flesh anyway. Maybe in heaven. Yes, I'll go to heaven. God will forgive me. He is a merciful God, he loves me. I know he does. She will be there too, I know it. Maybe she's waiting now. She is dead. Isn't she? You'd tell me if she wasn't. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? God is understanding, isn't he? I'd be with her now if he hadn't interfered. Her coworker. The man she calls Mulder. What kind of name is that anyway? Why wouldn't he just leave us alone? She hadn't invited him over, what the hell was he doing there? It was his fault you know. I never would've hurt her if he hadn't forced me to. Yes, I know what I had just said, but I wasn't finished. I had the gun, I thought about the two of us leaving the earth together, but that's just a romantic notion. Not realistic. I wasn't going to shoot her, really I wasn't. It was Mulder's fault. He forced me. It was his fault, I want that noted now. If he hadn't interfered, she'd be alive right now! She is dead, isn't she? I know, I know, I'll continue. Where was I? Oh, that's right, I was crying at her bedside with the gun in my hand. I was waiting for nightfall. I had to do something to scare her into keeping her mouth shut. So I told her that if he came back, I'd kill him. I'd kill him right in front of her. I'd kill him now if he were here, he deserves to die. He deserves to die! Put that in your notes. I'd make him die slowly and in a lot of pain. I know where to put a bullet to do just that. If she had any feelings for him at all, she wouldn't cry out next time to him or to anyone. She nodded, her eyes were so large. She was truly scared for him, I believe that. It dawned on me how much this Mulder meant to her. It angered me momentarily and I found myself wishing he'd return. I kept watching the clock. It would be dark soon and I had to make plans. My bronco was parked outside, the ranch was stocked. I really didn't have to take much with us, but I needed to make sure she wouldn't bring attention to us. It was a long way to drive. The trip would not be a quick one. I had to be sure it would be a quiet one. A safe one. But that's when it began. I had peered out the drapes just as the sun was going down. It seemed quiet enough, I saw nothing unusual. But he was out there. Watching, waiting. I still don't know what it was that clued him in. Maybe the bars on the windows, I don't know. But he was out there. Waiting. Watching. I hate him. He killed her. Not me. He killed her. Okay! I won't speak of it again. I gave her an injection, just enough to keep her quiet so I could move her to the car. I took a few of her bags to the car first. I'd packed some of her things, I wanted her to have her own things. I removed her handcuffs and sat her on the sofa, but before I could move her to the car, he was back. I heard two voices, I think he had the manager with him and they were trying to open the door. I heard the manager say that he hadn't changed the lock and it had to be cleared through him first. I heard Mulder tell him to call the local police immediately. Then I heard the round being locked into the chamber of his gun. It's a distinctive sound, isn't it. Nothing can describe it. Anyway, I pulled the gun from my belt and waited. I jumped when he shot through the door. I didn't expect that. Not at all. Actually I'm not sure what I expected. But he shot through the lock and kicked the door in. I had my gun against the temple of her head. I could never shoot, though he didn't know that. He yelled to drop the gun, but I laughed at him. Yes, I told him I would shoot, but I wouldn't, you have to believe that. I loved her, I could never shoot her. I had to tell him that I would, he never would've left us alone if I hadn't. He forced me to. I had to leave before the locals got there. At that moment, it was just me and him, but if I'd waited much longer, I'd have the whole police department there. So you see, I never would've shot her. But he forced me to. He yelled and kept yelling. I yelled back and I don't think either of us heard each other for the first couple of minutes. I'm sorry, I don't think it's funny, but I can't help but laugh. It was comical, all the yelling. "Put it down, put it down!" He said over and over again. I couldn't do that. He kept getting closer and closer, I yelled for him to stop and all of a sudden he did. He stopped. I didn't know why at first. But then I found out. She was such a fighter. I think I said that many times. She was so strong. Have you met her yet? Such a beautiful woman. The injection should have kept her down for hours, but she was awake and alarmingly quick. She dived for the floor and my hand followed, I shot. I didn't mean to, it was an involuntary reaction. She surprised me. I shot, he shot and everyone was yelling. Then it became quiet. And now I'm here. Where am I anyway? Is this like a cell? Where do we go from here? Am I judged here, or do I receive judgment elsewhere? I loved her so much. I hope she's waiting for me. I really want to see her again. I know you'll be fair in my judgment. When will I know what to do? Soon? I'll wait patiently. I'm a patient man. I want to see her again. Do you think I'll be seeing her again? Where are you going? When will I know? I'm glad you're back, I don't like being here alone, it's frightening. Yes, I'm ready. Who are they? The dark shadows, who are they? No, please, please! I didn't mean to hurt her. You have to understand, God is merciful. NOooo!!!!!!!! ........... ***** "Scully?" Mulder walked into the hospital room quietly. Scully sat in the bed, a big smile across her face. He grimaced at the bruise and lightly ran his fingertips over her cheek. "I'm fine, Mulder. It doesn't hurt too much." He perched himself on the edge of the bed. "The doctor said you can leave today. It was a clean shot just below the shoulder. You'll be sore for a while though." Mulder hesitated, looking into her eyes. "Do you want to talk about it, Scully?" "No, Mulder. It's over, I'm not hurt that badly. I'll be fine. We can talk about it later. What happened to him?" "Died right where I shot him, Scully." He shifted slightly. "I filed the report earlier. They're going to want to ask you some questions. I told them I'd bring you down tomorrow. You can stay with me tonight, until we can get your apartment cleaned and the locks fixed." Scully nodded. "Thanks, Mulder." "Had you ever seen this guy before, Scully? Did you know he was following you?" Scully's expression deepened as she searched her memory. Then she slowly shook her head. "I don't think so, Mulder. If I did, I don't remember him." THE END