Title: Exploring Desires Author: Katherine Benton Rating: NC-17 for violence, consensual and non-consensual sexual situations, deviant sexual situations Category: Scully/other (but don't worry--it can't last)Mulder/Scully Spoilers: Some minor references to all seasons through Orison Summary: When Mulder and Scully work with a new agent, his entry into their lives causes months of intense angst for everyone involved. Disclaimer: These characters are the property of Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen Productions. I'm only borrowing them. I have no money so please don't sue me. BRAD LIDDLE RESIDENCE WASHINGTON DC "Good work Agents," Skinner said turning to leave with the officers who were taking Chester the Molester to be booked. Scully knew this had been another of those cases that wore Mulder to the bone--to the soul really. Chester, who's real name turned out to be Brad Liddle, had been kidnapping, sexually molesting, and killing little girls ranging in age from eight to thirteen--seventeen victims in all. Six of which disappeared and died since Mulder and Scully were put on the case. Scully knew Mulder had died six times in the last month and that today he would go home and die once more thinking about Samantha. The last victim had been a twelve-year-old girl with long brown, braided hair and brown eyes. Mulder had discovered the body himself on a tip. Scully was very angry with Skinner for putting them on this case. It was completely unrelated to anything resembling an X File. She couldn't hold it against Skinner, though, as much as she wanted someone to blame. Since his division had been handed this case two months ago, Skinner had slowly pulled every one of his agents to it. She and Mulder were the last. Skinner wasn't blind to the obvious problems in involving Mulder in this case. He just had to do it. And in the end, Mulder had solved it along with Scully and Skinner's newest agent--Andrew Ryan--recently transferred to Washington from, of all places, Salt Lake City. Scully and Mulder had privately admitted that although Ryan was rumored to be on the FBI fast track, he was actually a good agent. Not your typical 'give me a big case so I can make a name for myself' jerk. He really seemed to care about the victims, and that's what made him good. Mulder could respect that. That's why he didn't flee when he saw Ryan approaching. "You guys going down to the station with Skinner?" Scully had been looking at Mulder, who had been looking at his shoes, ignoring her. She needed to figure out how deep the damage was this time and she didn't want interruptions. Mulder just wanted to be alone. He welcomed Ryan's question for its potential to distract Scully. "No," Mulder replied turning away from Scully to face Ryan. "He can handle it and the Washington PD has had enough of me over the last few years. I don't think they'll mind if I don't go." Mulder attempted a little smile to add a lightness to his comment that he was far from feeling. He needed Scully to back off. "Well, I don't know about you guys, but I could use a good stiff drink. This has to be the worst I've ever seen. We don't get 'em like this in Utah." He paused. Scully had returned to staring at Mulder and Mulder at his shoes. Ryan felt like he was interrupting a conversation. "Say, you guys want to go catch a drink or two down at Squiggy's? The atmosphere in there kind of matches the mood." Scully opened her mouth to say no but before she could, Mulder took her arm and replied, "You drive, Ryan. Where's your car?" She looked up and stared at Mulder. Ryan didn't notice. He was new and young and hadn't really found a place for himself yet. He was glad these two senior agents had accepted his invitation. "Gosh, that's great!" he said heading off to his car with them following. "I sure don't feel like drinking alone tonight, if you know what I mean." Scully's jaw dropped a little lower when Mulder managed another grim smile and replied, "I sure do." SQUIGGY'S BAR AND POOLROOM WASHINGTON DC Scully couldn't believe she was sitting in this bar. The 'atmosphere' reminded her of something out of a bad biker babe's movie and her black suit and silk blouse did not fit the part. They were getting more than their fair share of attention in the form of icy stares. Mulder and Ryan seemed to be oblivious to it. They were drinking and talking quietly. Comparing the aspects of the case that bothered them and the evidence they felt they should have figured out sooner. Scully was really amazed at how alike they were. She looked around uncomfortably. When a burly, leather-clad, pool stick wielding, balding, Harley fan got up from the bar and began to approach their table with a leering smile, staring straight at her, Scully decided she'd had enough. "Excuse me, gentlemen," she interrupted their amateur analysis of the autopsy evidence, "I think I'll call it a night." At their surprised expressions, she continued, "While I'm sure you two make a lovely couple that I'm certain no one here will try to split up, I look like a third wheel. And I really don't care to dance with Spike here," she gestured to the biker gang member now only a few feet from their table. "So I think I'll see you in the office in the morning, Mulder." Scully stood to leave. Too late. 'Spike' had reached their table and she stood just in time to practically slide up his body--her five foot, two inch frame barely reaching his mid chest. He leered down at her and Mulder stood up as well, hand on his gun, a wary look on his face. "Hey Jack," Ryan smiled at the man Scully was certain she was going to have to shoot, "why don't I catch you later. I thought you didn't want all the FBI hanging around your place." Scully and Mulder looked at Ryan and back at Jack, puzzled. "You and Walter are bad enough, God knows, but even if this one is KGB, I wouldn't mind seeing her on a bike," he smiled at Scully and proffered his hand. "Jack Harrison. I'm the owner of this establishment. And you would be...?" He spoke smoothly and with an educated voice. Stunned, Scully automatically shook his hand and opened her mouth to supply her name. Mulder moved to intervene, but Ryan beat him to the punch. "This is Special Agent Dr. Dana Scully, FBI--and more trouble than you can handle, Jack, so back off. She solved the Chester the Molester case today. Took him down herself." Scully and Mulder turned to star at Ryan, amused. Scully had indeed subdued the suspect, but he and Mulder had solved the case. "Wow, I'll keep myself in line, then." He smiled at her again and his expression didn't seem as leering as it had before. Scully studied him, trying to determine why as he turned to speak again to Ryan. "So, are you and Walter going to bring the entire FBI down to my bar? Why not just abandon the Hoover Building and set up here? Oh wait, I know why. Because last time you were here, you and Walter cheated my waitress, Bonnie, on her tip. Don't they pay you guys better than a lousy one-dollar tip? And she called your cab for God's sake and helped you into it." Mulder had a ear to ear grin on his face now. "Why sit down, Jack was it?" Mulder pulled up a chair and shook his hand at the same time. "Tell us more about Ryan and Bonnie. And that wouldn't be Walter Skinner you're referring to there, now would it?" Scully smirked. Skinner was in trouble now. Mulder knew how to cause him grief without ammunition, but this had the potential to be the motherload. Before Ryan could intervene this time, Jack continued, "Oh yeah-- Skinner. That's my man. He has one hell of a fine bike. Fast! Damn! Son of a bitch, pardon me miss, won't let me ride it. Says I'll wreck it. Shit, pardon me again, I've never wrecked a bike in my life." Now both Scully and Mulder were staring at Ryan with large grins. With a glare at Jack, Ryan explained, "AD Skinner and I go back a bit. My father and he were partners when he was a young agent. He knew me when I was a kid. So when I got transferred here, he kind of took me in, so to speak. And we both have this interest in motorcycles..." "AD Skinner rides a motorcycle?!" This was Scully, trying to control her laughter. Jack answered, "A really nice Hawg, Dr. Scully. We ride one weekend a month out in Virginia. Selfish punk never let's us try out his bike. I bet he'd let you ride it. Why don't you come with us next time and see if you could loosen him up a bit?" Scully smiled at the thinly veiled flirtation. Ryan looked concerned-- this was getting out of hand. Mulder put his hand over his mouth to stifle a snicker at the thought of his staid, proper, and ever- professional partner on the back of Skinner's bike. Skinner's bike! He was glad he went with Ryan to this bar. It was turning out better than he could have ever imagined. "Well Mr. Harrison," replied Scully, observing the same formality he had granted her, "I haven't been on a motorcycle for over ten years, so I doubt AD Skinner would be foolish enough to let me drive his." She noted Mulder's completely astonished expression and decided to have some fun. "But maybe he'd let me ride with him. And I'm sure you have a really nice Hawg too. I'd love to come out the next time you guys ride. As long as Ryan and Skinner are coming too, of course." Jack Harrison, restaurateur, alias 'Spike,' smiled, genuinely pleased. "Why don't you give me your number and I'll give you a call the next time the club goes out?" Scully stifled another grin and handed him a card from her purse. He smiled and went back over to the bar to help out one of his waitresses. Mulder exploded with laughter. "Scully! What in the hell did you just do?! You don't ride a motorcycle. And I thought you said you didn't want to dance with 'Spike.'" "And miss a chance to see Skinner in leather," she feigned a shudder, "and riding a Hawg?" she said with an exaggerated accent. "If you could get an invitation from him, you'd do it in a second. Besides, you don't know everything about me. It just so happens that I can ride a motorcycle. I had one all through med school. Remember, it was my rebellious period. That's how I ended up in the Bureau. Rebellion." Mulder spoke without taking his eyes off Scully. "Ryan, I want you to take me to a Harley store tomorrow--I'm buying a motorcycle. I wouldn't miss this for all the money in the world. I'm not sure which is funnier--the idea of Skinner on a motorcycle or the idea of Scully on one. Ooooh, Scully. Are you going to be wearing leather!?" he asked with his most leering tone. "Keep it up, Mulder, and I'll wear my leather shorts and halter top." "Promise?" She gave him an unreadable expression. Ryan just looked miserable. What had he gotten himself into? SQUIGGY'S BAR ONE WEEK LATER AD Skinner saw Andy Ryan approaching and waved at him He noticed he had a woman on his bike and a friend, riding somewhat poorly, next to him. He was glad the kid was finally getting around a little. And the woman was hot! Red hair, petite and wearing little enough that she'd be very sorry if Ryan lost control of that bike. He was glad he wore his sleeveless leather vest today. He knew he'd be a little old for any date Ryan brought, but it would be fun to pull his chain anyway. Besides--he may be well into his forties, but Skinner still looked good. And he always had the baddest bike, which attracted a fair share of attention from the ladies in this crowd. When Ryan stopped, Skinner was shocked to see the friend riding poorly had been Mulder. "I didn't know you liked motorcycles, Agent Mulder," Skinner began in his best 'don't fuck with me, Mulder' tone. It was immediately obvious what this was about. The woman with Ryan pulled off her helmet. "We didn't know you liked them either, sir," she said climbing off Ryan's bike and inspecting his. He looked at her. "Jesus, Scully!" Skinner's mouth hung open a few seconds before he snapped it shut. "I..." he cleared his throat and tried again. "I apologize Agent Scully, I just wasn't expecting to see you." "You mean you weren't expecting to see so much of her," Mulder quipped. Skinner glared the patented Skinner death look at Mulder. "Don't worry, neither Ryan or I reacted much better than you did." Skinner continued to glare. Scully ignored them. "Jack wasn't kidding. This is one hell of a bike. How long have you had it, sir?" "Jack?" Skinner still hadn't recovered. Scully had the good grace not to look up. She didn't really want to see her boss staring at her exposed midriff and cleavage. This costume had definitely had the shock effect she was looking for, but now she was beginning to regret it. She never did like this kind of attention. Ryan explained, "After the serial murder case, we all went over to Squiggy's to do the post mortem," he flinched at the inappropriate metaphor, "Sorry. Anyway, Jack came up and I introduced them and he mentioned you and the bikes and..." he looked more and more uncomfortable. "And it went down hill from there, huh?" Skinner finished for him, taking pity. "That's ok Andy. I don't mind if Agent Scully here doesn't. And she obviously doesn't." "Sir!" she looked at him indignantly. "Just reminder of who's going to regret it most if Mulder blabs this all over the Hoover Building. As usual, I suggest you keep your partner under control, Agent Scully." His harsh tone softened. "And as for the bike, I've had it almost fifteen years. It's got a...." Mulder tuned out the litany describing the bike's horsepower and other features and focused on the more interesting features right in front of him. Namely Scully's. This was beyond belief. Scully was wearing black leather shorts with a 'waist line' that hugged her hips. They were so tight he was amazed she could zip them up and were so short that they barely covered her buttocks. Worse than that, Mulder estimated that the halter top she had referred to, and indeed had worn, had less than one square foot of fabric to it--all leather. Black. Her peaches and cream skin glowed. And he had plenty of glowing skin to admire. The strapless halter-top was low cut in the extreme and her stomach, from just below her bellybutton to just under her breasts, was completely bare. She would have more on if she had just worn panties and a bra. The thought occurred to him that they probably didn't make such articles of clothing in proportions scanty enough to fit under what she had on. He squelched that thought quickly. He didn't need it running through his head. At least he finally got a long, clear look at that tattoo. The other bikers were arriving and Mulder began to grow uncomfortable with the attention Scully was attracting. He was relieved when she pulled a leather jacket and pants out of a bag on Ryan's bike and slipped them on. But that didn't mean he could resist a good jab. "That sense of modesty finally reasserting itself, Agent Scully?" Mulder leaned over and whispered in her ear, teasingly. She raised her eyebrow. It was so easy to mess with Mulder's mind. "Not at all," she replied sweetly. "Skinner just thinks it would be safer if I had more between me and the pavement...and the bugs... if I'm going to ride with him. That bike can go over 120 you know." She smiled and climbed onto Skinner's bike. Throwing Mulder another smile, she seductively wrapped her arms around her boss's chest as his bike leapt forward. "Come on, Mulder. You've got to keep up." Ryan yelled, taking off on his own bike. Mulder was going to get Scully good for this one. **** That evening, they were sitting around Squiggy's drinking beer. Scully had left the jacket and pants on, much to many men's chagrin and Mulder, Skinner, and Ryan's relief. The last time Mulder had really been out with a group of people had been back in college. Surprisingly, he had to admit he'd had fun with this particular group of people. "Was I right about Walter's bike, Dana? You've got to give us the details. You got closer to it than any of the rest of us ever will." Jack laughed, passing by their table heading to his bar. Scully smiled. "It is one powerful machine," she agreed. "I would have never imagined you to be a member of a biker club, sir." "I suppose we've all had a few surprises here, Dana." She looked down quickly and Skinner continued, "I don't mean to be insulting, Agent Scully. Before your partner here punches me again--I apologize. But you can't blame me too much. You two know you didn't come down here this afternoon because of your undying passion for bikes. You came to poke a little fun at me. Turnabout is fair play. But I don't want to make you uncomfortable." She looked at him sidelong. "No, you're right, sir. Turnabout is fair play and I deserve what I get. By the time we got finished joking about you last week, there was more joking about me than anyone else. I just decided to have a little fun. I may have gone a little over the top." "A little!" Mulder sputtered. "Scully did I mention I've got pictures. I think I'll give them to Frohike..." "Mulder, I don't believe you," she interrupted him smoothly and calmly. "But word of warning. If pictures of me in leather show up on the Internet, I might be able to find some pictures of you and Frohike together while he was helping me load your naked, unconscious body into a car for that drive to New Mexico after I shot you. I'm sure I could find some interesting angles." She looked threateningly at him. Ryan just looked stunned. Mulder had punched Skinner? Naked pictures? Scully shot her partner? Was this the FBI? "Ryan, you haven't been in Washington long enough to know everything you need to know about Agents Mulder and Scully here, so let me help you out," Skinner intervened. "These two are the finest agents I have in my division. Both brilliant. So they get a lot of slack. They are also both warped, demented, paranoid, suspicious, and extremely dangerous. Tread very carefully if you plan on trying to form any sort of non-professional relationship with them. Tread carefully if you work with them officially, for that matter. It takes long experience to deal with them effectively." Scully looked at Mulder and then at Skinner. "Sir, when I start getting described along with Mulder, I think its time for a transfer." She smiled so Mulder would know she was joking. J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING MONDAY MORNING The only reference made to the previous day's adventures was a 'biker babes' calendar hanging next to Mulder's 'I want to believe' poster. This month featured a redhead girl clad in leather. The only acknowledgement of it that Scully made was to raise an eyebrow. Mulder didn't know she flipped through it in his absence to make sure there were no surprises hiding in later months--like a picture of her. There were not. She hadn't really believed he'd taken pictures, but you could never be too careful with Mulder. She was amused that every girl on the calendar was a redhead. They settled smoothly and with out comment into their next case. Scully watched with amusement as Mulder gave her the run down, complete with slides and full color glossies of the scene. She didn't care. The case was in Washington. This was a record. Between the Chester the Molester case and this one, they would rack up almost two months straight in Washington. Scully couldn't remember the last time that happened. They were several days into their investigation when Ryan interrupted them in their office debating evidence. "Scully, I can't understand how you can refuse to see this," Ryan heard Mulder fairly yelling as he emerged from the elevator. "Because there is nothing in that photograph?" she replied calmly. "Don't you see these streaks? It's obviously..." "Please don't say ghosts, Mulder" Ryan froze, his hand inches from the door. He couldn't have heard that right. "Technically, they're called apparitions, as you well know. Why won't you believe it could be ghosts?" "Because they don't exist, Mulder? Please. How could something with no physical form do this kind of damage?" Ryan was pretty sure he didn't want to hear the answer to that. Instead, he interrupted their conversation by knocking on the doorframe. "Excuse me, agents. I don't want to interrupt..." Scully smothered a smirk. Rolling his eyes, Mulder turned to Ryan. "What can we do for you, Ryan?" he asked as if nothing unusual had been happening. Scully wondered idly if Ryan realized Mulder's attitude wasn't an act--that their conversation had been like any other. "I was hoping you had a few minutes of time after work this evening. I'd like to take you both out to dinner as a bribe to get your input on this case Skinner has given me. I need a fresh perspective." Scully looked at Mulder and then answered for them. "You don't need to waste your money on a dinner, Ryan. We'll look at your evidence without a bribe. We've accomplished about all we're going to today anyway," she couldn't repress another smirk. "How about if I call for a pizza and you go get your stuff," Mulder suggested. "Pizza four times in one week, Mulder? I don't think so. If we're going to stay in the office, order something from the deli." "I didn't want to cause...." Ryan began contritely as Mulder picked up the phone. "Don't give it another thought, Ryan." She looked at him sidelong, "You're way too...I don't know... polite, reserved maybe. This isn't Salt Lake City. You're going to have to learn to command attention if you want to advance here in Washington." "Mulder seems to command attention," Ryan said quietly, not intending to be heard. Both Mulder on the phone and Scully responded in unison, "Not that kind of attention." Ryan looked stricken. "I in no way meant to impugn...." Mulder hung up the phone. "Sandwiches are on the way. Don't worry about it Ryan. If I were worried about my reputation in the Bureau, I might act differently. But you don't want me as an example. I'm way more trouble than you can begin to imagine. If you don't believe me, ask Scully. Now, what have you got for us?" **** Most of the information Ryan had been working with was forensics evidence. They headed down to the lab and Ryan cleared Scully to re-exam the bodies. It was 11:00pm when she began to work on the last one. "Scully, there's not a whole lot else I can contribute here," Mulder began, yawning. "Go on home. This is really interesting. I'm just going to finish up this last exam. I'll see you in the office in the morning." Mulder nodded, smiled at Ryan, and left. "Ryan, this is going to be at least another hour. Probably more like two. You should head home too. I can call you in the morning. I think I have an idea here but before I get you excited, I need to see the same things on this body that I've seen on the rest." "Scully, this is my case and you're doing me a huge favor. I wouldn't feel right if you stayed until 2:00am while I was sleeping." Scully's exam went on for another two hours as she had predicted. By the time she had finished Ryan had filled her in on all the other aspects of the case that he and Mulder had discussed. Her autopsy findings did indeed confirm many of the things they had speculated. By the time they finished talking, it was three in the morning. "This was more of a help than I even hoped for. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this." "I'm not done yet. Tomorrow I'd like to get a look at some of the other forensics evidence gathered around the scene. I'm betting we find....What?" "You are so intense." "So are you, Ryan. It's been a long time since I worked with anyone who was as completely on the victim's side as you are. Besides Mulder of course. It's refreshing...encouraging." She finished taking off her lab coat, mask, and gloves after cleaning and storing the other lab equipment. "The question now is: do we waste the hour it will take to drive home to sleep comfortably or do we sleep that hour uncomfortably in the office?" "You couldn't really sleep in that office, could you?" "I've slept worse places. And I've fallen asleep there before. We can get four full hours of sleep and use the showers in the gym to freshen up before work. It's not perfect, but it's better than wasting two of those four hours driving." "And where do you plan we'll sleep, since you've got this all figured out?" Scully was tired. Being tired made her punchy. "I've slept here in the morgue before. Those exam tables aren't too bad if you put some sheets on them." Ryan actually paled. "Sorry, Scully. There's no way I'm sleeping in a morgue. Much less on sheets used to cover corpses, and don't tell me they're sterile. I don't care. You can sleep where you like. I'll sleep on the couch in my office." He began to leave and Scully followed him, laughing. "So, have you figured out why they call us 'Spooky' yet?" She pulled him toward the door to the parking garage, indicating he should walk out with her to get the bags. "Actually, I've only heard them call Mulder 'Spooky.' And I've heard how you shut down the last agent that said it in front of you so I'm afraid to comment." They laughed. "And what are they calling me these days? 'Ice Queen' or 'Mrs. Spooky'? Or is there a new one out there? As you say, they're not stupid enough to say anything in my hearing any more." "No, those are the only two I've heard...from some men you obviously shut down in a different way." She fished to change the subject. "Why did you transfer here, Ryan? If you don't mind me asking," she added quickly at his pained expression. Ryan heaved a sigh and looked at her. "Chris, my former partner, got shot. He survived but one of the bullets, hollow tipped, shattered his hip. He's on desk duty until he retires. I didn't want to work with anyone else in Salt Lake. Everyone knew. Know one blamed me and it wasn't really my fault, but I felt like it was. You know?" "I know." She said seriously. "I hope it turns out as well for Mulder and I when one of us finally runs out of luck." She smiled at him again and after a moment she turned to leave his office saying, "G'night, Ryan." Scully heard his office door close behind her and went back down to the basement. It was a challenge to her now exhausted mind to decide if she'd get more sleep in the chair or on the desk. *** Scully awoke on the desk the next morning to a man standing over her with a gun. Still tired and disoriented, she reached for her own gun. A hand closed over her wrist pinning her to the desk and panic raced through her. "Scully, it's me. What in the hell are you doing here? You scared me to death." She focused. Mulder, holstering his gun. She relaxed and glanced at the clock. Seeing the time, she closed her eyes. "What are you doing here so early? It's only 6:00am. You left near midnight." "I had an idea about this case. I repeat--what are you doing here?" "Ryan and I didn't finish up until 3:30am. I get another hour of sleep before I have to get up. If you want to work, you'll have to do it without a desk. If you want to live, you'll work quietly." An hour later Mulder jumped and Scully almost fell off the desk when someone knocked on the door. "Hey Scully, you in there? I wanted to make sure you're awake...." Scully rolled off the desk and opened the door. Ryan stood in the hall, shirt in hand. "I doubted that little gold watch had an alarm and I..." his eyes had wandered past Scully. "Good morning, Mulder." Ryan's voice sounded a little surprised. "See Scully, I didn't wake you up. If you want to kill someone, kill him," Mulder smiled at Ryan. "Good morning, Ryan. You know, I should be angry with you for working my partner to death. I was hoping to get a little work done on an X File today." Before Ryan could respond, Scully answered him curtly, still tired. "Mulder, I will be awake and I'll help you with the case we have open by 8:00am. That's when I'm supposed to be here. You might enjoy working with me more if there's coffee when I get back." Scully picked up her bag and marched out the door dragging Ryan with her. "Where are you going?" Mulder inquired, leaning out the office door. "To the gym, to get a shower. I wouldn't want to smell bad again." "Ah Scully, you never showered with me," Mulder quipped leeringly. "Yes I have, Mulder." Ryan's eyebrows shot up. "And I have no doubt you remember it." The elevator door closed. *** Scully stepped out of the ladies locker room to find Ryan waiting for her. She smiled. "Is that really Mulder's shirt?" He nodded. It fit him fairly well. She hadn't noticed how close to Mulder's size he was. She looked at him more closely. He was fairly similar to Mulder in a number of respects, she noticed really looking at him for the first time. Same height and build, same hair and eye color. God knows he was as intense as Mulder. Same commitment to work, to helping people. He interrupted her thoughts. "I waited because I wanted to talk to you. I really appreciated your help last night. Were you serious about looking at the other forensics today?" "Definitely, but I have to deal with Mulder's ghosts first. How about if we get together around 3:00. I think I can talk him down from his latest paranormal theory by then." "How do you investigate these cases?" Scully looked at him, a little ashamed of the way she'd just spoken about Mulder. More than a little, actually. But Ryan showed no signs of interest in criticizing Mulder. He seemed sincerely interested in their caseload. Her mind instantly questioned why he'd be so interested. 'God! I'm more paranoid than Mulder,' she thought to herself. "It can be difficult because nothing is normal. But as surprising as it is, he's right most of the time. Or at least to some extent. Anyway...see you this afternoon?" "That's what I wanted to talk with you about. If you're going to work on this we should follow procedure and talk to Mulder and Skinner about it. Get their ok." Scully turned and looked at him with a slightly stunned expression. 'Well, that's one significant difference between Ryan and Mulder-- following procedure. This might give Skinner a heart attack.' She thought and then added out loud. "Look Ryan, since it's your case, Skinner isn't going to care as long as you don't and I doubt Mulder will notice." "Just the same, I am still new and I'd think it would be best if I follow procedure. Skinner is the assistant director and Mulder is the senior agent in your division. We should speak to them." "Senior agent?" Scully broke into a wide grin. "Are you implying that Mulder is in some way my...? Never mind. By all means. Let's go follow procedure. This promises to be entertaining." Ryan was beginning to wonder why he spent so much time confused around Scully as he followed her down the stairs. Skinner happened to be in the basement office when Scully and Ryan returned. Scully's grin broadened. "Good morning, sir." "Good morning, agents," Skinner replied looking suspiciously at Scully and Ryan. "Ryan had something to discuss with both of you, so it's convenient you're down here, sir." Scully was trying to smother a smirk. Mulder and Skinner both noted it. Ryan apparently did not. "Yes sir. It's regarding the case I'm currently working on. I asked Agents Mulder and Scully to look at certain aspects of the case last night. Mulder was a tremendous help with the profile and Scully re- examined the bodies and found a significant amount of evidence to back up that profile that the original autopsy missed. Scully offered to do a little overtime to look at some of the other forensics evidence." Mulder and Skinner nodded at him. He didn't continue. "And...?" Skinner prompted him. "Well sir, we wanted to get Mulder's ok on that and yours." Skinner laughed out loud and looked at Scully. "You did?" Scully looked at him evenly, trying not to embarrass Ryan. "Well, perhaps I should assign you to the X Files, Andy. I know Mulder will never follow procedure, but if I could get Scully back, that would be an accomplishment." Ryan stared at him, "I don't understand, sir." "Don't worry about it, Andy. You've got my go ahead on this Scully, as if you actually wanted it. This was an amusing start to the morning. I expect that report by noon Agent Mulder." He left the room still laughing to himself. Ryan watched him leave looking a little confused. "Well, I'll see you this afternoon, Ryan. It looks like Mulder and I have a little work until then," Scully said moving to look at the files Mulder had in his hand. Mulder looked at her with a mischievous expression. "Now wait just a minute here, Scully. We've got a lot of work here. What if I don't approve this little extracurricular activity of yours?" Scully's eyes snapped up and she studied her partner sharply. Ryan opened his mouth to explain he didn't want to interfere with their work but Scully interrupted him. "Just try it, Mulder," she said dryly. "I'll shoot you again. Now sit down and try to explain this bullshit to me again so we can get it into a form for this report that won't give Skinner an aneurysm." Ryan was again reduced to staring, eyes darting back and forth between Mulder and Scully. Without missing a beat Mulder said with a straight face, "Well you heard what the lady said Ryan. I'd better get to work or she'll hurt me. This type of abuse is illegal, you know Scully. But you messed up this time. Now I have a witness." "I..." Ryan stammered. Scully took pity on him. "Ryan, Mulder and I don't follow many procedures. He doesn't care if I work with you on this case." Mulder laughed and added, "Even if I did, if she wanted to do it, I wouldn't stand in her way. And she sure the hell doesn't need my permission to do anything. She's my partner not my employee." The laughter in his voice softened his tone and Ryan relaxed somewhat. Shaking his head and smiling he beat a hasty retreat. "What ever. You two deserve the reputation you have. All of it. The part that says your case resolution rate is the best in Washington and the part that says you two are Spooky." "Who says only the best in Washington? Mulder yelled at the closed door. "We have the best resolution rate in the Bureau." Laughter followed Andrew Ryan up the stairs. Mulder turned to Scully. "You didn't really think...." He stopped when she shook her head. "You know I respect you to much to expect...." This time she interrupted him verbally. "Yes, Mulder. I know that." "And that I appreciate you staying with the X Files...with me too much to push my luck." She looked at him so he'd know she was sincere. "Mulder I know that. And I'll never leave the X Files. I'm as invested in this as you are. I'm here because I want to be here. And you're the best friend I have regardless of whether we're partners or not. We could both be fired and never work together again, but you'd still be the most important person in my life." He smiled almost shyly and they turned to their attention to their report. **** Scully worked Ryan's case until they caught the perpetrator. She was fairly exhausted with all the extra work, but she had enjoyed it. The case was engaging and Ryan was interesting to work with. She never welcomed the opportunity to work with anyone but Mulder these days, but somehow this was different. Tonight, Scully found herself at a restaurant close to the Mall having a celebratory dinner with Ryan. Mulder had sworn he'd come as well, but called to bow out after Scully and Ryan had already been seated. The Gunmen called with some info he couldn't resist. So here were Scully and Ryan in a restaurant trying to make small talk over appetizers. By the time desserts were served they had covered every conceivable topic from family to how they joined the FBI. Scully was trying hard not to reveal how amazed she was at how much she was enjoying herself. Ryan picked up the bill and they stood to leave the restaurant. "Let me give you half of that, Ryan." "No way. It's the least I can do for all your help." "You don't have to...." "I know I don't. I want to. Say," he said as they got in a cab, "do you want to ride with the club again this weekend. We're going out to Route 2436. It's pretty out there this time of year." "I don't know, Ryan. I got just a little too much attention last time and I got the feeling AD Skinner wasn't too thrilled." "I can't imagine why you got so much attention, Scully, can you? And Skinner was only mad because you guys went out there to poke fun at him. If you don't want to go because you don't like the bikes, that's one thing but I don't think you have to worry about the company." She looked at him. "Ok, I'll go if Mulder and I are in town." "Great," he exclaimed as Scully tried to figure out what she had just agreed to and why. **** Mulder and Scully were packing up for the weekend Friday evening. "So, what's on your agenda for this weekend, Scully? Did you ever finish that monograph?" "Yes I did, Mulder. Almost two years ago." Mulder had the good grace to look embarrassed but Scully didn't continue. "So if you're not writing and you're not slicin' and dicin' what are you up to?" "Actually, Ryan invited me to ride with the club again this weekend. Do you want to come too?" "Three's a crowd, Scully," he said looking at her wryly. She was shocked. "It's not a date, Mulder. It's no issue if you come or not, but it would be more fun if you do." He looked away. "Motorcycles were never my thing, Scully. You were the rebel in medical school. Besides, I promised the guys I'd follow up on that new info they had this weekend." "If you've got a case, Mulder, I won't go...." "No, no case. Just some foolishness they came up with. I'm sure Frohike would like to come with you and Ryan though. I could lone him that bike. Where did you say you were going?" Scully shot him a death glare as she locked the office door. **** Scully fought to stifle the scream that arose in her throat and clutched the pockets of Ryan's leather jacket searching for a better grip. Catching her breath she managed, "Jesus Ryan, how fast are we going?" "One twenty-five," he yelled back at her, the wind carrying his voice away as it did her breath. "If it's scaring you, I'll slow down." He felt her tense and shake her head. He laughed and was about to signal Skinner to pull over when he saw him fall back hard. Ryan also braked and drove back to Skinner. "What's wrong?" Ryan shouted over the noise of the engines. "Nothing," Skinner responded roughly. "I thought something felt wrong, but I don't see anything." "Maybe it was the fact we were going almost 130 miles per hour. Can you imagine the ticket? They wouldn't even give us a ticket. They'd arrest us. You guys are crazy...sir," Scully hastily appended the honorific at Skinner's stern look. "Scully, I never thought I'd see you scared of anything," he declared with a challenging tone. "I'm not afraid..." "Just the same, if there's even a suspicion that there's something wrong with your bike, we're not going that speed again." "You're right," he said putting his helmet back on. "Guess you're off the hook, Scully." Before she could respond, Skinner powered off at a slower speed. Scully was obviously furious. "Ryan, let me drive," she demanded getting off the bike. "Uhmm, when did you last actually drive a bike, Scully." "Let me drive or I'll pull you off." This was no-nonsense Scully. Ryan jumped back on the seat instinctively at her tone and Scully got back on the bike. The bike leapt forward and Ryan found himself at something of a loss as to how to hold on. He settled initially on holding on to Scully's hips but as her speed increased sharply past 80, he shamelessly threw his arms around her waist and held on for dear life. She was bearing down hard on Skinner. When she caught him, she past him fast and sped on. She heard him speed up to close the distance between them and responded by increasing their speed again. After a few minutes she heard Ryan yell, "If there is something wrong with his bike...." She slowed down. "Are you crazy?" Skinner yelled at her, catching up again. "You haven't driven in years." "Don't ever tell me you think I'm afraid of something," Scully yelled back and settled the bike to a more normal speed. After a few more hours of driving and a few hours at Squiggy's, Ryan and Scully returned to her apartment with Ryan again in the driver's seat. "Do you want to come up for a few minutes before you head home?" Scully asked, sliding off the bike. The question surprised her. "Sure," he replied turning off the bike. She turned and proceeded him to the door. "I'm going to change out of the leather, if you don't mind. Make yourself at home. Get a drink, food whatever. It'll just take me a second." He rifled through her kitchen while she changed. When she emerged from her bedroom he had poured two cokes and was flipping through her CD collection. She plopped down on the couch. "Thanks," she said picking up the coke. "Thank you. It's your coke," he said. "I think Skinner was a little surprised to see you again. I know he was surprised to see you drive. Now that it's over, tell me how dangerous it was. How long has it been since you drove a bike?" She looked at him mischievously. "About ten, maybe twelve years," she answered calmly. He choked slightly on his coke. "You hardly have any right to complain. Don't try to tell me that speeds in excess of one hundred miles an hour are safe." "I wouldn't have done it with you on the bike if I thought there was any real danger. I went over the bike meticulously Friday night and I've been riding for over fifteen years. We ride that fast every weekend. It's a rush, isn't it?" Scully nodded with an unreadable expression. It wasn't lost on Ryan. "Tell me the truth. Were you scared?" She looked at him, trying to decide how to respond. She replied slowly, quietly. "Truth? Honestly, it was all I could do not to scream." "All you have to do is tell me." "I didn't want you to slow down. It is a rush." "I don't want to scare you," he said softly, reaching out and putting his hand over hers on the sofa. She looked at his hand on hers and felt her heart pound. "Ryan...Andy, I'm not...." She swallowed and tried again. Direct approach, very Scully. "What's going on here?" "Nothing, if you don't want it to. Dana, I won't try to tell you that I'm not attracted to you. I am. Any man who's not blind would be. A blind man would be after a five-minute conversation. But I have come to value your friendship. I can be satisfied with that if that's all you want. If I can still have it." "Of course you can," she replied automatically. "I just don't know how I feel about...Andy, it's been years since I've had any type of relationship with a man," she laughed. "It's been years since I had a friendship with anyone of any gender. My work with Mulder is pretty all consuming." "Do the two of you have a relationship that goes beyond friendship?" "No! Of course not," she looked at him with a slightly offended expression. "Did you believe the Mrs. Spooky rumors?" "No, it's obvious most of the other Washington agents know you very poorly. I just want to be specific. I also value Mulder's friendship and I don't want to hurt him. Or you." She nodded, satisfied. "I should go." He stood to leave. "Andy," she took his hand gingerly and he turned to face her. "I just need some time to think about this. I don't need for you to leave unless you want to." "I'm not trying to push you, Dana. You were clearly completely taken aback by this. I think it would be best to give you a little space." "I was taken aback. I admit that. Because it's been so long since...." she trailed off. "Since someone made a pass at you?" he completed her sentence when she did not. "I don't believe that." "Since anyone made a pass at me that I felt I might be interested in," she responded almost inaudibly without looking at him. He reached up and caressed Scully's cheek. Leaving his hand under her chin, he turned her face to his. "All the more reason for me to leave then. You need some time to think. I want you to be sure of your decision. I'll see you in the office on Monday." He picked up his jacket and left. **** Scully jumped at the sound of the knock at her door several hours later. She knew it would be Mulder. Rising, she strode over to the door and let him in. "I was coming back from the Gunmen's and I thought I'd make sure you survived your adventures this afternoon," Mulder said entering without waiting for Scully's invitation. He paused when he saw the two glasses on the coffee table. "But if this isn't a good time, I can leave," he finished turning back to face her where she still stood in the open doorway. She didn't reply or move. "Scully? Are you alone?" he repeated. She just stared at him. "Scully are you ok?" he asked, returning quickly to her side at the door. He closed it. She still didn't reply. "Scully! I asked you if you're alright!" "I'm fine, Mulder," she replied quietly, still without moving. "The hell you are. You are pale as a ghost. What's wrong?" She didn't answer. He picked up the two glasses. "Ryan?" She nodded. "What happened that upset you so much?" She seemed to pull herself together. "Nothing, Mulder. I'm fine." Mulder wasn't buying. "Did you get hurt on those motorcycles?" "No, of course not." "Did something happen here?" "No, nothing." Her tone was not convincing. "Scully, something happened. I know you. Tell me what it was." She turned away from him. "It was nothing. He did something that surprised me a little." "What?" "Nothing, I don't want to talk about it. What are you doing here Mulder?" "Don't try to distract me. What did he do that surprised you?" He spoke with that 'dog with a bone' tone that she knew she couldn't fight or ignore. She turned back around and without looking at him responded, "He made a pass at me." "My God, Scully. What did he do? Did he hurt you somehow?" He was at her side in an instant. "No, Mulder! He put his hand on mine. I asked him what he was doing, he told me he was attracted to me and then he left." "That's all?" he asked doubtfully. "Yes! Why would you think anything else? He's a decent man." "That's what I thought too, but Scully you look scared to death." "I told you, I'm fine. He surprised me. That's all." Mulder sat down in the chair next to the sofa and looked her appraisingly. After a moment he asked quietly, "Did he surprise you or did you surprise yourself?" She looked at him sharply, "What is that supposed to mean?" "You are obviously upset. You tell me. Why?" "Are you suggesting that my response to Ryan surprised me?" "Did it?" She looked down again. "Maybe it did. Mulder, I definitely do not want to talk about this with you." "Why not?" "God Mulder! I don't know. I'm really uncomfortable discussing it. Can we please let it go?" He said nothing. "How did your visit with the Gunmen go. Anything interesting?" Mulder considered his partner silently for a minute. She looked back at him. Her expression appeared pleading to him. He swallowed and launched into a story about the Gunmen's latest exploits. **** Mulder was in the office early Monday morning sifting through files, trying to decide what case to look into next. He found himself leaning toward the cases that would take them out of town and he was trying to figure out if this was because they were truly the most interesting or because it would separate Scully and Ryan. He berated himself for even thinking that. Scully deserved a good man in her life. She deserved someone to love her and make her happy. She deserved a life. But he knew the idea that Ryan might provide her these things tore him apart. He was torturing himself this way when Ryan knocked on the office door. "Morning Mulder." Mulder tensed. 'Ryan is a good man,' Mulder said to himself firmly. 'I enjoyed his company before this. I can see past this.' He looked up and forced himself to smile. "Good morning, Ryan. What can I do for you? Got another interesting case?" "No, actually I was hoping to speak to you about something personal. May I come in or is this a bad time?" For the first time in a long while, Mulder found himself completely caught off guard by someone. He shrugged, "Sure, come in and close the door." Ryan sat down and drew a deep breath. "There is no easy way to do this so I'll just jump right in." He paused and Mulder nodded, increasingly apprehensive. "I really enjoy your friendship and Scully's. I've been around you enough to know you don't trust easily, so maybe from your point of view I'm being presumptuous saying that. But I trust pretty easily and I consider you and Scully friends." He looked at Mulder. Mulder nodded again, now completely amazed and trying to conceal it. Ryan continued, "Scully and I went riding with the club again this weekend. I made it clear that I am interested in more than just friendship. I am really attracted to her. She's an incredible woman." He paused again. "I agree," Mulder replied when it became obvious that Ryan wanted a response. "You surely know there are rumors about the two of you." Mulder nodded again. "I'm not saying I believe them, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt her or you. I asked her if the two of you are involved. Now I'm asking you." Mulder looked stunned. "What was her response?" "She said you were not. But she wasn't particularly convincing." "Are you implying that Scully wouldn't be honest with you about this?" "No! Not at all. I just got the impression from her tone that she was unsure where you two stood. I don't want to cause you or her trouble." Mulder stared at Ryan completely slack-jawed. "I have to say Ryan," he finally replied, "that it has been a very long time since anything anyone said to me caught me so completely off guard." "I apologize if I've upset or insulted you. I just don't want to hurt anyone." "You haven't upset me and you certainly haven't insulted me. I guess you've surprised me. It takes a lot of courage to be this honest and up front. It's been a long time since I met anyone like that," he laughed derisively. "Hell it's been a long time since I met anyone who would respect me enough to care how I would react to this and I appreciate that." He stared at Ryan for another few seconds. "Is this conversation between us?" "Of course." Mulder stared at him again, trying to decide if he could really trust him. "Ok. Here's the truth of the matter then. I can't say that in seven years I haven't noticed the same qualities in Scully that you have. I also can't deny that I also find those same qualities quite attractive. And I can't deny that I have flirted with Scully. I kissed her on New Year's, but nothing ever happened after that. That may be why she's not sure where we stand." Mulder dropped his eyes and sighed heavily. "We've been playing this game for a long time. It's to the point where I don't believe I can't follow up on those flirtations, for more reasons than I can begin to describe to you. Not the least of these is the fact that I don't believe she's interested in me that way." He paused again and looked back up at Ryan. "But she deserves a happy life. If you can make her happy, I think that's wonderful. Sincerely." Ryan nodded and made to leave. Mulder stopped him. "But if you hurt her, I will kill you. I'm not exaggerating and I never make promises I can't keep." It was Ryan's turn to nod and stare at Mulder somewhat shocked. Mulder watched Ryan's back as he headed back upstairs. Returning to the files in front of him, he slowly re-filed the out-of-town cases, stared at the filing cabinet a moment, and then closed it. **** Scully was tense all day Monday. She tried to conceal it from Mulder. He hadn't said anything, but Scully wasn't stupid. She knew he noticed. She distracted herself by wondering why he wasn't prying as he usually did. Around lunchtime, Ryan came down the stairs. This was the encounter Scully was dreading. There was no telling how Mulder would react. "Got time to break for lunch?" Ryan asked as he entered their office. Scully froze. Lunch was definitely a bad idea. She was sure Mulder would have enough time to make some smart-assed, embarrassing comment in the time it took them to eat. "Sure," she heard Mulder reply cheerfully. Now she was truly on guard. Mulder was never cheery. She turned around to glare at him, and saw the reason for Mulder's attitude. Ryan had brought pizza with him. Mulder was opening a small pizza box to reveal a pizza with the ingredients he loved. "This is great, Ryan, but I'm a pretty big pig when it comes to pizza. What are you and Scully going to eat?" His tone was only half joking. "Well," Ryan replied, "Scully is going to have this salad and I'm having this sandwich," Ryan replied producing the items in question. "If the salad isn't enough, we can split the sandwich. I never eat it all." "You on some kind of campaign to make me eat Ryan? You keep trying to feed me." Mulder asked laughing at Ryan. "You complaining?" Ryan quipped back. "Hell no, free food is always good food." Scully looked studiously at her salad, amazed by Mulder's behavior. **** Ryan stopped by the office several times that week and each time Scully was astonished by Mulder's good behavior. She wasn't foolish enough to question it however. She also was afraid to question him as to why they were now on their third straight case centered in the Washington area. At least Scully was finally able to relax a little. Now, Mulder was flipping through 'research' materials while Scully was reading her email. She saw there was a message from Ryan. She tried not to tense openly and clicked on the email. Scully, If you have any free time this weekend, let me know. Maybe we can get some lunch. Ryan She smiled slightly. He really was going out of his way to not pressure her and she had to admit she truly appreciated it. He hadn't made the slightest innuendo at any point during the week. And when he finally did, he sent her an email that she could easily claim she hadn't seen before she left the office. He left her an easy out. It was time to stop fooling around. She clicked reply and sent him a message back. Ryan, How about dinner Saturday night? My treat. I owe you a dinner. Scully Sending the email, she looked a little guiltily at Mulder. He was picking up what had to be the hundredth book in a pile of a thousand books. He was working and she was planning a date. She turned from the email and logged onto the Internet to help with the research. **** Scully felt like a fourteen-year-old child on her first date. Ryan was going to pick her up in less than 10 minutes and she was half dressed having discarded a dozen skirts, pants, and tops. One was too casual, one was too formal, one was too sexy, one was too plain. 'This is ridiculous,' she thought picking a shirt and skirt off the floor and putting it on. The doorbell rang. "Hey Ryan, come on in. I just have to find a purse and some shoes," Scully said distractedly. He waited in the entry hall with an amused smile while Scully routed around. Securing a purse, he raised an eyebrow when she put her gun in it. "You learn to be ready for anything when Fox Mulder is your partner. I fully expect at least one call during dinner. Speaking of which, where's my phone." She found it and headed for the door. "I'm ready if you are, Ryan," she declared. He followed her out the door. "Does everyone always call you Scully?" he asked as she was locking the door. She looked at him questioningly. "Just curious. Walter does, Mulder does, all the agents do. Do you prefer it or...?" "Mulder started it. He hates to be called Fox. I tried it once and let's just say it didn't go over well. He always called me Scully. I think at first to try to put some distance between us. He really didn't want me as a partner in the beginning. After he began to accept me, it still stuck. I'm so accustomed to it now, I don't even think about it." She smiled at him. "Don't hesitate to call me Dana. Just don't do it if I'm about to walk in front of a truck. I might not know who you're talking to and get hit." He laughed. "Well, I'm not Mulder. Yell Andy at me or I'll definitely get flattened." This time Scully laughed. "Got it, Andy. So, where do you want to eat?" "Well, I imagine that you've had enough Chinese for a life time. With all that pizza I can't believe you could face Italian. You don't look like the steak type. Do you like Mexican or is that too close to pizza?" "How about that place down by the Galleria?" "Sounds great." Scully found herself laughing hysterically over dessert--a mutilated plate of flan. "So I flipped the flan off my spoon and it stuck to the ceiling." She laughed at the memory of her high school Spanish class's field trip to a Mexican restaurant. Ryan also howled. "But that's not the best part. I went back to that restaurant with my parents a few months later and the flan was still on the ceiling." "No way!" "I swear it. I didn't dare laugh because there was no way I could explain that to my father. So I spent the entire meal biting my tongue, literally, to try to stay in control. I thought I would die." "I thought you spoke German," Ryan said after he stopped laughing. "How on Earth did you know that?" He looked suddenly contrite. "Please don't get angry about this." She sobered up and waited for him to continue. "I looked up your personnel file." "Why!" "Well, we were working so closely during the Chester case. I needed to know more about you and Mulder." "You looked at his too?" He nodded. "You saw them both and you kept working with us. Brave man. Or crazy." "Are you angry?" "No, of course not. Mulder looked you up too." Ryan raised his eyebrow. "That can't surprise you." He smirked, "I suppose not." "Well here's something that might. He knows...well, he knows what happened after we rode last weekend. I'll bet you the price of the next dinner that if you do a little investigating you'll find out Mulder has done a complete background check on you. Probably one more thorough than the Bureau did. Mulder has some pretty amazing sources." "You're kidding?!" "Nope. Pray he doesn't find anything that bothers him. Mulder is very protective of the few people he lets into his life." "I've noticed." "How?" Ryan looked concerned. "I didn't feel comfortable pursuing this without speaking to him. I thought it might make it easier for...well, at least me, if not him, if we talked about it. Mulder told me, and I quote, 'If you can make her happy, I think that's wonderful. Sincerely. But if you hurt her, I will kill you. I'm not exaggerating and I never make promises I can't keep.' If I live to be one hundred I'll never forget his expression." "You're not serious." Scully's hand flew to her mouth, shock registering plainly on her face. "Very, and I believe him. I have no doubt he'll do it. And I have no doubt it wouldn't be pleasant." After staring for several moments, Scully let out a long breath. "My God, Andy. I am so sorry...." "Do not be. I like Mulder. A lot. He's a good, honest man. I respect him. That's why I spoke to him. I don't blame him for what he said. You couldn't possibly ask for a better friend. He would do absolutely anything for you." She just stared at him. After a few beats, he repeated his earlier question. "So, I thought you speak German." "I do, but I learned that when we were stationed in Germany. Daddy was in the Navy but he did a year of training in Germany. I was really young and I picked it up easily. Then I took it in college and it really came back. I never really liked the Spanish, but it was required at the high school in California." The conversation flowed easily the rest of the evening without further bombshells. When they arrived back at Scully's apartment, it was dark and he insisted upon walking her to the door. Scully admitted to herself that this made her nervous. She had a nice night, but she wasn't ready for anything else. He stopped her with a hand on her elbow as she entered her apartment. She felt her pulse begin to race. "Listen, Dana. I don't want to create divisions between you and Mulder. But I'd like to ask you not to repeat to him that I told you what he said. He asked me not to and I really didn't remember that until after I'd already opened my mouth. I understand if you can't agree to that, but if you don't, at least try to convince him not to kill me." "I'll be honest with you Andy. I don't make a habit of keeping anything from Mulder. For no other reason than it's impossible. But I don't think it would be smart to give him the details of our personal conversations. I won't tell Mulder you told me. But, Mulder is very sensitive about that type of thing and once a person looses his trust, they never get it back. If you really value his friendship, and it's truly precious, you'll learn to respect his little quirks." Ryan nodded. "Thanks. I'll see you on Monday then. Try to get some rest tomorrow." "Two days without an adventure with Mulder? Not likely." Scully's nerves increased as Ryan's departure neared. She wasn't ready for him to kiss her. He laughed. "See you Monday," he repeated. He ran his hand down her arm from where it rested on her elbow, squeezed her hand, and turned to walk down her hallway. She relaxed. "G' night, Andy." "Night." Scully unlocked her door and went into her apartment. Closing the door, she leaned against it and sighed. She had to admit, she enjoyed herself. **** Mulder reached for the phone for the millionth time that night and for the millionth time he forced his hands away from the receiver. He had sworn to himself that he was not going to call Scully. He didn't want to ruin her night and he didn't want to ruin his own by adding any solid evidence to back up his already active imagination. He wanted Scully to be happy. He was increasingly convinced he couldn't make her happy. She hadn't responded when he told her he loved her. She had thought he was drugged. She hadn't really responded when he kissed her. She smiled. She didn't push him away. But she didn't put her arm around him or even brush up against him the rest of the night. If Ryan could make her happy, he should be glad. But it was killing him. **** MULDER AND SCULLY'S OFFICE J EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING Scully entered the office even more apprehensively this Monday than she had the last. Mulder hadn't called her all weekend long. She knew him well enough that anytime he showed restraint, he made up for it later by some flamboyant display. Mulder was there as she came in. "Good morning Scully," Mulder said in a jovial tone. Scully was immediately on guard. "Good morning, Mulder," she said cautiously. "How was your weekend?" 'Here it comes,' she thought. "Fine. How was yours?" "Good." He looked at her with an expression that was at once mischievous and nervous. That surprised Scully. His next statement distracted her from analyzing his nervousness. "How was your date with Ryan?" She wasn't surprised that he knew they had a date even though she hadn't mentioned it. She decided that might be a good tactic to divert him. "What makes you think Ryan and I went on a date?" He looked down. "Scully, don't do this. Don't deny you are seeing Ryan. There's no need for that. If you don't feel comfortable discussing your personal life at work, I understand that. Just say so." he said quietly. "But I know you went out. I'm simply asking if you enjoyed yourself. I sincerely hope you did." He was obviously hurt by her evasion and she was sorry. That was not her intent. She walked over to the desk where he was sitting and took his hand. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I didn't mean to appear to be evasive or untruthful with you. I do feel uncomfortable discussing this with you but not because this is work and your just my co-worker. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I feel uncomfortable discussing this with you because we are so close...such good friends.... I know that doesn't make sense." "Ok, I won't push it. Coffee's fresh. It just finished brewing." He spoke quietly, his voice even. A far cry from his earlier joviality. Scully shook her head. "It was nice, Mulder. We went to dinner and had a really funny conversation." She turned and poured the coffee. "It's weird though. It's been years since I've been out with anyone. It just feels strange. Maybe that's why I'm uncomfortable discussing it. I haven't really processed how I feel about it." She sat down in front of the desk with her coffee. "What did you do this weekend? Any progress with the case?" "Not much. I just can't figure out the MO in this one." "This is your area of expertise, not mine. If you're lost, imagine me. Mulder can I ask you something?" "Of course." "About me and Ryan?" "If I can ask you questions, it's certainly fair for you to ask me one." "Does it bother you? That I'm going out with him, I mean." Anyone else might have missed Mulder's grip tightening around his coffee mug. Scully noticed. "Scully, how can it bother me if you are happy? You know I care about you. You know I hate how involvement with the X Files has hurt you so many ways and taken away so many opportunities. If you can find something...someone...that makes you happy, how can I oppose that?" Scully could tell his answer was half-true. She also knew she'd get no further in this discussion and she wasn't sure what she'd do if he were completely honest. She nodded and picked up the pictures Mulder had been looking at earlier. "Well, the lab results came back. Nothing conclusive. I can't contribute anything here, Mulder. We obviously aren't seeing something." Five hours later they were still tossing ideas back and forth about the evidence they had so far and they still had not a single theory. Mulder's back was to the door and he was talking about the positioning of the bodies when he saw Scully looking past him to the door. He shut up and turned around. Ryan. "Sounds like you two are pretty stressed out. You can feel the tension in here. Tough case?" "We haven't got all the information we need yet," Scully replied. Her answer was true, but her tone struck Mulder as somewhat evasive. When she came around from behind the desk and stood in front of the pictures, blocking Ryan's access to them, Mulder was truly puzzled. "Would a fresh perspective help?" Ryan offered. "The stuff we look at is a little weird, Ryan." Scully responded. Mulder was staring at her now. He stepped over and picked up one of the crime scene photos. "Have a look if you want to. Scully and I both agree that this is some type of ritualistic killing. Usually I'm pretty good at identifying occult or paranormal related phenomena but this one has me stumped. Scully can usually find something that stands out in the autopsy...." "But nothing this time," she interrupted him. "Right now we're reviewing occult activities to see if we can identify any connections." "Occult connections?" Ryan sounded skeptical. "That's what we do down here, Ryan." He looked at her. "Well, I suppose it makes sense given the crime scene photos. But you couldn't be more correct that I won't be any help here. I know less than nothing about the occult. Jesus, Scully," he said taking one last look at the photo before tossing it back to the desk, "I sure don't see how you do this. Mulder, where did you learn all this stuff?" "Almost ten years doing it, you see a lot. It's not any different than experience with any other type of crime. Word has it you're getting the missing persons cases. That's one area I refused to work. I don't see how you can do that. It's just too tragic." "Well, given your history that's pretty understandable." Mulder looked at Scully. "Mulder please, I didn't say a word about Samantha. You looked at his personnel file. He looked at yours." Mulder stared at Ryan long enough that both Ryan and Scully were feeling nervous and then he burst out laughing. "I knew I liked you for a reason, Ryan. Well, I'm glad you're well informed about the kind of trouble I can bring you." Ryan smiled, relaxing. "Well, I won't even ask if you guys have time to break for lunch. I'm going to the deli. Want me to bring anything back?" "What do you think Scully? Care for a break? We're not getting anywhere here. How about a break and then we'll go up stairs and annoy Skinner with the evidence so far. Maybe he'll have an idea." Scully searched desperately through her mind for any activity she might legitimately perform in the lab. Lunch with Mulder and Ryan was not a pleasant idea. But she could think of nothing. Silently, she picked up her coat and followed them out. **** As Scully and Ryan's relationship stretched on, Scully marveled at Mulder's attitude. She knew he was jealous of the time she and Ryan spent together. She couldn't quite convince herself this was because he really had feelings for her beyond friendship. She believed he was jealous primarily because he had always been possessive of her time and attention. Despite her belief that he was jealous, he showed no overt signs of it. He respected her private time unfailingly, never calling her after hours or on weekends except for legitimate emergencies. He limited their out of town time to the minimum. He also continued enjoying lunches and some afternoon weekend activities with she and Ryan. More noticeable was his attitude toward her. She realized suddenly as she argued in the office with him that he was standing behind his desk. Ordinarily when they argued he stood very much in her personal space. When they first started working together, this infuriated her. She saw it as an attempt to intimidate her. She quickly noticed that he always stood too close to her. She never understood why, but he did. Seeing him behind his desk caught her by surprise. Paying closer attention for the next few days she observed that he was clearly avoiding invading her personal space in more ways than one. He stood well back from her, didn't whisper into her ear, and didn't touch her back or hands as he frequently was wont to do. Perhaps the most disturbing difference was that he never looked at her anymore. She used to look up and catch him staring at her. Not now. She used to be able to look at him in the presence of other people and silently communicate with him with just her eyes or a slight gesture. Now he seemed to be avoiding eye contact with her except when they were directly speaking to one another. She understood why he was acting this way--he was clearly trying to respect her relationship with Ryan. She just wasn't sure she liked how he was doing it. **** Scully and Ryan had been dating for several months. 'Actually', Mulder thought, 'they have been dating for exactly five months, twenty-three days, and seven hours.' He sighed and slouched back on his couch. Lonely, was all he could think. Amazingly lonely. He hadn't really recognized how much a part of his life she was. He knew, but he hadn't completely understood. And now there was nothing he could do. Except stay out of her way. Knowing she was involved with someone, knowing that Ryan was kissing her, holding her, touching her, he found he couldn't bear to have any physical contact with her. He couldn't trust himself not to seize her, pull her to him and kiss her himself. And he couldn't do that. Not now. For seven years he could have. Over the last year he came very close. On New Years he did, briefly. He wanted more. But he couldn't. Now, some other man could. Did. These thoughts were slowly driving him insane. So he stayed away from her, respected her time with him, pretended to be happy for them, and wholeheartedly believed he was going to die. **** Scully felt guilty going out tonight. She and Mulder had been working on their current case for five weeks. They had eight bodies, all drained of blood, all found with bowls containing a substance that appeared to be blood. Scully's tests proved it was blood and absolutely no trace of any foreign chemicals. From the autopsy results, if the bowls didn't contain all the blood drawn from the bodies, it was damn close--no significant amount was missing. But there wasn't a single puncture wound or cut on any of the bodies. She couldn't explain the blood loss, but she could confirm the blood was the victims'. She and Mulder had parted company today pretty frustrated. Ryan and Scully had planned to go dancing tonight. Ryan had told her about a new club and she was excited to go. The last time she'd been dancing, she was still in medical school. In addition to being excited, she was angry with Mulder for making her feel guilty for going. And she felt guilty for feeling angry because Mulder hadn't really done anything. In fact he'd told her to have a good time. He'd also stayed in the office and continued to work when she left. That had been a regular occurrence for the last month or so. So, as she dressed for her date she felt guilty. When Ryan knocked on her door, she was still arguing with herself about going on this date. She threw open the door while trying to zip her dress. Ryan laughed at her disheveled appearance and helped her with the zipper. "Long day?" he asked, still smiling. "Ryan, I'm not sure I should be doing this tonight. We've made no progress on this case and Mulder is in the office tonight...." she sounded completely distracted. "Did he want you to stay?" he interrupted calmly. She turned to face him. "No, he told me to leave but..." "Well, I won't argue with that. Dana, it's Friday night. The club is going to be wild. We are going to have a good time. And then, on Monday, you can go back to work rested and really contribute something. Ok? Now let's go have some fun." She still looked hesitant. "Fun is allowed, Dana." She smiled, "Ok, Andy. You're right. Let's go." Scully's jaw dropped when she saw the club Ryan took her to. It was incredible. As they approached the door, she was certain they'd never get in but Ryan guided her to the front of the line. The doorman stood aside and they entered without delay. Scully looked at Ryan amazed and amused, eyebrows raised. "You're with the in-crowd tonight, Dana," he said slyly, responding to her expression. She laughed. He led her to the bar and ordered them drinks. Ryan enjoyed the looks he was getting. Scully was wearing a green satin slip dress that was at least three inched above her knees. It was also low cut front and back, revealing enough cleavage to make it extremely difficult to keep his eyes from roaming and enough of her muscular back to make it impossible for him to keep his hands off her. Every man in the room noticed her. He couldn't wait to dance with her. She put down her drink. "Let's dance," she said. She was beaming at him, excitement in her eyes. Grabbing his hand, she pulled him to the dance floor. If he thought she was getting a lot of attention at the bar, he now saw what a lot of attention was. She was remarkable. He pulled her closer to him and the sensation of her body brushing against his as they gyrated to the music was overwhelming. He ran his hands lightly along her bare back. Her eyes flashed up to his at the contact. He saw desire there. His caresses became firmer as his hands roamed lower from her back to her hips and bottom, pulling her even closer to him. They danced until the club closed. Leaving, they were silent. Ryan didn't dare speak. He was barely in control. Scully was stunned to silence because she felt the same way. Ryan's emotions were plain for anyone to see. The fact that she reciprocated them surprised her a little. She and Andy still had not done anything but date. She was obviously not ready, despite the time they had been dating. She was impressed and appreciative that he respected that without pushing her. Tonight, she needed for things to slow down so she could get in control. That was not to be. Entering the car, he put his hand over hers, folded in her lap. As he drove, he traced patterns on her hands with his thumb, occasionally touching her thigh as well. It was driving her insane. When they reached her apartment, he followed her up. She knew it wouldn't be a good idea for him to come in but when she unlocked the door, he pushed her in. She looked up at him, a slightly frightened expression registering on her face. He grasped her upper arms lightly and slowly pushed her against the wall. "Andy," she meant to speak firmly but his name came out a whisper. A seductive one, she realized as his eyes grew dark with desire. His expression made her heart pound. His hands were sliding lightly up and down her arms. Breathing hard, she lowered her eyes to try to regain control. He stepped closer to her, lightly pinning her body to the wall with his own. She put her hands on his chest, about to push him away, when she felt him kiss her hair. Her eyes closed. His lips moved slowly from her hair to her face. "Andy," she whispered again. His lips played lightly over her cheeks stopping at the corner of her mouth. He pulled back and looked at her. "I want to kiss you," he whispered. Scully realized she was nodding when he slowly leaned in. When his lips finally touched hers, she felt panic rush through her. After so long, she was still so unsure of how this made her feel. She knew he could tell how tense she was, but rather than pulling away he drew her against him and deepened the kiss. Scully wanted to stop him, believed she could, but somehow didn't. Guilt for making him wait so long? Confusion about why she only felt panic rather than desire now that this was happening? A wish to be made to feel something else? She didn't know, but she also didn't stop him. Instead she found herself kissing him back. He walked backwards and pulled her with him to the couch. His lips finally left hers, but he still didn't release her. He trailed kisses down her neck, his hands moving to the front of her dress as he leaned forward, making her lean back against the arm of the couch. 'This is too much,' her mind screamed as the full weight of his body pressed against her. She moved her hands to his arms to push him away. His fingers grazed her nipples softly, sending a wave of pleasure through her. She froze. His kisses moved lower until she could feel his lips on her breasts through the thin fabric of her dress. A moan involuntarily escaped her lips and she felt him slowly unzipping her dress while kissing the skin revealed by its low cut. Again her rational mind protested, but when he'd unzipped the dress enough to slide the straps off her shoulders, he stopped. And the sensation caused by his lips on her nipples stopped all rational thought on her part. When the telephone rang both Scully and Ryan nearly jumped off the couch. She looked at him for the first time since this had begun. She saw raw desire in his eyes. Again, a wave of pleasure rushed through her. "I don't have to answer that," she heard herself say softly. And she was in his arms again. He returned to kissing her. The answering machine came on and her voice on the recorded message sounded so distant as Ryan's hands moved slowly to finish unzipping her dress. He was pushing it over her hips when Mulder's voice on the machine made her eyes fly open. "Scully pick it up if you're there." Ryan moved away. "Answer it," he said quietly. He looked sad, frustrated, a myriad of emotions. In the pause as Mulder waited, Scully replied, her voice barely audible, "He will leave a message." She reached for Ryan and he pulled her against him. She felt the buttons of his shirt pressing into her breasts as he held her tightly and kissed her again. She moved with trembling hands to unbutton his shirt. She was on the second button when Mulder got tired of waiting. "Ok, I guess you're not there. If you get this soon, aahhh it's about 1:35, I'm going out to 1475 Millwood Lane. I ran those addresses we were talking about earlier and this is the most likely one. Meet me there." Scully pulled away. Ryan didn't resist. "I can't ignore that." "You can't blow that off." They both said at once. "Does he often run off even though he can't get back-up?" Ryan commented, re-buttoning his shirt. "Yes," she replied, reaching for the phone and dialing his cell phone. "And he'll go right into the house and get himself killed. He thinks he's immortal." "Really?" asked Ryan, incredulously. Anything was possible with Mulder, he was learning. "No, he actually really thinks I'm immortal," she paused at his stunned expression. "Remind me to tell you about the Clyde Bruckman case sometime. He just acts like he's immortal." She slammed down the phone. "Damn it, he's not answering. He's probably already at that damn house and he went in. I've got to get out there." She hung up the phone and Ryan watched her dash to her bedroom for jeans and a shirt. Returning to the livingroom, she holstered her gun with one hand as she buttoned her blouse with the other. "I'm coming with you." At her stern look he added, "Who's your back up if Mulder is already injured?" "Sure, fine, whatever. Just get moving." Sure enough, Mulder's empty car was parked outside 1475 Millwood when they got there. Scully saw movement on the side of the house. Drawing her gun, she approached. Mulder found himself staring at Scully and Ryan's guns. "Jesus, Mulder!" she exclaimed, lowering her gun. "Well, at least we caught up with you." "Didn't take long. The house is locked up...doors, windows, everything. And all the windows are covered with black paper. If this isn't the house we're looking for, it isn't the Brady Bunch household either. I say we go in." "Covered windows aren't probable cause, Mulder." Ryan said this. Mulder looked at Scully, his expression demanding an explanation. "My back up in case you were already dead," she spat the word, "from this crazy stunt. And he's right." "You called him?!" Mulder asked, incredulously. "No, he was with me when I heard your message. Don't try to change the subject. He's right. We have no probable cause." "How about this?" Mulder produced a small bloody bowl in an evidence bag. "Found it in the trash by the side of the house." "And what was your probable cause to be going through their trash? This is evidence Mulder but what you're doing is illegal search and seizure. It will never be admissible." Ryan again. Mulder frowned at him. His response was interrupted by a crash from inside the house followed by a low moan. Mulder looked at Scully and gestured at the back door. Ryan followed hesitantly. "You can't do this," he whispered to Scully. "I've done a lot worse. I'm not willing to take a chance that there's another victim in there. And I'm definitely not letting Mulder go in alone. Stay out here if you want." She nodded to Mulder and yelled, "FBI and we're armed. Open the door or we're coming in." Mulder immediately kicked in the door and Scully proceeded him in, gun drawn. The house was dark, but it did not hide the horrific scene inside. There was a woman, white as a sheet, naked, hanging upside down by her shackled ankles from a hook on the ceiling. Her hands fell towards the floor, blood dripping down one from her inner arm, to a bowl on the floor. She was either unconscious or dead. Next to her was a table with several bowls like the one Mulder had found. All full of blood. Scully lowered her gun and approached the woman. Feeling her neck she announced, "Alive, barely. Weak, unsteady pulse. Her skin is so..." Scully pulled out a glove and quickly examined the woman. "I'm guessing all this blood is hers, "she gestured at the table. She picked up one of the bowls. "It looks fresh." She inserted her gloved finger into the bowl. Ryan flinched, the first reaction he had made. "It's cold Mulder. It should be coagulating. I don't understand this...." Her thought was interrupted by an inhuman scream. Raising her gun, she moved away from the table and back against the wall as a huge form charged the room. Mulder and Ryan split to either side, guns also raised. Scully had a clear shot and didn't hesitate to take it. She hit the man in the shoulder. No effect. She shifted her angle slightly and fired again--six more shots directly to his chest in rapid succession. No effect! He was still slowly advancing toward her. She changed her angle again and shot the man in the head with her remaining shots. When he continued to advance she lowered her gun and stared at him. He lunged for her. Smacking the gun from her hand with one blow, he sent her flying to the ground with another across her face. She turned over to get a better position to face an attack, but Ryan and Mulder had grabbed his arms. She watched him swat them away as of they were flies, hurling them against the walls, stunning them both. He drew a knife and approached Scully again. Closing on her, he slashed at her. She dodged back and before he could make another attack, Mulder was on him again. He shrugged Mulder off and slashed at him. Scully heard Mulder yelp in pain. Again, the man approached Scully slowly, brandishing the knife. She backed away. Ryan was struggling to stand, Mulder was cradling his arm against his stomach, writhing in pain. Scully studied the room. Suddenly, she lunged for the table. She knocked it over, spilling the blood filled bowls. The man howled. Grabbing one before it fell she threw it at him. Blood splattered across him and again he shrieked, this time in pain. He lunged forward, fell short of Scully, and collapsed face first on the floor. Ryan, finally recovered from the slam against the wall, was helping her up. "Mulder," she whispered and stumbled to his side, still reeling slightly herself. Mulder was still on the floor, cradling his arm. "Call 911, tell them we need an ambulance for three people. Gun and knife wounds. Bring lots of plasma," Scully began barking orders as she rolled Mulder over and forced his arm from his side. "Let me look at it, Mulder," she said in a soothing voice. His shirt was covered in blood. Scully looked at the knife wound--a clean, apparently shallow cut the length of his arm. "Move your fingers for me, Mulder." He did. She pulled his shirt off him, intending to use it on his arm. Then she saw the real damage. A two-inch wide cut in his upper abdomen, bleeding hard. "Shit," she said out loud. "Never a good thing when the doctor says that," Mulder breathed painfully. She pushed him down flat on his back. "Are you having trouble breathing, Mulder? Can you taste blood in your throat?" He felt her feel his pulse as he shook his head in response. "I'm sorry, Mulder. This is going to hurt. A lot. Try to be still. Ryan come here and help me. Is the ambulance on the way?" Mulder actually screamed when Scully pressed hard over his wound. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I'm sorry, but you're loosing too much blood..." her voice began to fade. When Mulder regained consciousness again Scully was still leaning over him but was speaking to the EMT's. "If she's still alive, look at her first. Mulder is stable." "What the hell is this?" an unfamiliar voice asked in horror, unable to move. "I'm a doctor," Mulder heard Scully say in a no-nonsense voice. "Most of the blood here is hers. Start her on plasma. Then get a blood type and get a transfusion going. Do it fast." Mulder heard the EMT's move to do what Scully asked. "Keep an eye on her heart and lungs. It's a miracle her heart hasn't failed." Mulder heard more people enter the room. "You two come here. He's lost a lot of blood too. Do you have A positive with you?" The EMT must have nodded. "Ok, let's start getting some blood back into him. Give me some gauze. Do you have a non- morphine-based painkiller? He doesn't do well on morphine" "How the hell do you know so much about this guy?" the EMT asked as he handed Scully gauze and a vial. "He's my partner but I'm also his doctor." The EMT looked confused. "We're FBI," Scully explained. Mulder listened in a daze as Scully directed the EMT's. Finally he felt them lifting him onto a stretcher. "I'm going with you," Scully said, following the EMT's. "Yes, ma'am you should. You really should let us have a look at you." "I'm fine," he heard her reply. Mulder couldn't help but laugh at the reply. Laughing hurt. He quit laughing at the EMT's response. "Dr...Scully, was it? Are you aware you are cut as well? How much of the blood on your shirt is your own? You're unsteady on your feet, you're skin is cold, it's obvious that you're having trouble focusing. Blood loss, mild concussion. Don't prove to me that doctors make the worst patients. Your friend is fine. Let us have a look at you." "Let him, Dana," Mulder heard Ryan say, "Mulder is fine. Let's make sure you are." Mulder relaxed. He was certain Ryan would make sure she got any treatment she needed. **** Mulder awoke in a hospital bed. Scully, alone, was sitting in a chair next to the bed. Her face was badly bruised. She was wearing scrubs with a bandage over her upper chest. Scully noticed the direction of his gaze. "It's a shallow cut, Mulder, but it needed stitches. Mild concussion. I'm fine. A lot better than you. You need to go back to sleep for a while longer." Mulder tried to ask what happened and winced at the pain in his gut. She recognized the question anyway. "The cut on your arm is superficial. You have stitches but no nerve or tendon damage. He knifed you in the upper abdomen too. Not deep enough to damage any organs. You are very lucky. A little deeper and you'd have liver damage, a little higher, a punctured lung. But it's going to hurt a lot for a while. You're going to be in the hospital until they release me and then I'll get you released. You're not going to be able to do much for yourself and I want to make sure I can take care of you before I talk my way out of here." He nodded and drifted back to sleep. When he awoke again, Scully was still there. "How are you doing?" she whispered. "Ok," he managed, but grimaced again. "I ordered you more pain medication. The nurse will be back with it in a minute or two." "I don't want it," he whispered. Whispering hurt a lot less. "Yes you do. It won't make you too sleepy. I've talked the doctor into releasing you this afternoon. They released me this morning." Mulder looked confused. "It's Monday. You've been in and out. It's the medicine. I wanted you on something stronger so you'd rest and not fight me. The stuff they're bringing now won't knock you out. We'll let it make you a little more comfortable and then we'll try to get you into a car, ok?" He nodded. "I'm doing this Mulder because I know you'll heal better at home. But you have to promise me you'll do what I say and take the medicine I give you. If you won't, I swear I'll leave you here for a week." "I promise," he whispered with a frightened expression. "I know how much you hate hospitals," she said smoothing his hair. "But this injury is going to put you down for a while. Less time if you do what I say." She kept talking but Mulder didn't hear her. It had been so long since she'd touched him. He was luxuriating in the feel of her hands on his temples as she smoothed his hair. Later that afternoon Mulder awakened again. Most of the more powerful drugs were obviously out of his system. He hurt, as she had predicted, but his head felt much clearer. It was worth the pain. "How do you feel?" Mulder opened his eyes and saw Scully, Ryan, and Skinner there. He smiled. "How did you know I was awake?" he whispered, smiling at her. "My psychic powers, Mulder. If we can get you out of the bed, we can take you home. You're not going to like this. Would you rather do it or stay in the hospital?" "I'll do anything to get out of here. You know that." Skinner and Ryan laughed. Scully scowled. "Ok, Mulder. Do exactly what I say and this will hurt less. Ryan and Skinner are here to help me lift you. You aren't going to do anything but lie there. Get it?" He nodded. Somehow they got him loaded into Ryan's car and they drove him home. By the time they got him in bed, Skinner was looking concerned. "Scully, you can't lift him by yourself. He's over twice your size. How are you going to do this?" "I've done it before. We have some friends that will come over and help too. I'll be fine. He will do a lot better at home or else I wouldn't even try this." "How many days do you and he want off?" "He needs at least two weeks at home. Ideally three or four but I'm not stupid enough to think he'll do that. He shouldn't be in the field for six to eight weeks. Don't tell him that was my recommendation. I'll be in tomorrow." "How do you plan to pull that off? You can't leave Mulder and as I recall you have a concussion." "Our friend is coming over tomorrow to watch Mulder and all I have to do is type up a report. I'll be fine." Skinner shook his head and picked up his coat to leave. "You two make the perfect team. You're both crazy and reckless," Skinner muttered. "Sir?" Scully asked, her look daring him to repeat his statement. He was exasperated, "I said you're crazy. You and Mulder. I'll look for your report in the afternoon then. Make an appointment with Kimberly to go over it with me. I'm sure I'll have plenty of questions." He stalked out, leaving Ryan and Scully. "Dana, if you want me to stay...?" "I'll be fine. I've done this more times than I can count. I need some rest myself, honestly. Thanks for the help Andy but I'm going to check on Mulder and take a nap." Ryan took the hint. "Ok, you know my number if you need help." "Thanks Andy." "Sure." He hesitated a moment and then leaned over her, placing a brief kiss on her lips. "I'm very glad everything turned out as well as it did," he whispered, still leaning over her. Scully struggled not to react inappropriately. Mulder's apartment was not someplace Scully wanted to be kissing Andy. She backed up slightly. "Me too," she said. "I'd better check on Mulder," she added when Ryan didn't move. "Ok, see you soon." He left. **** Scully awoke with a start the next morning when she heard a crash and cursing from Mulder's bedroom. Dizzily she rushed for the door. When she entered the bedroom, she couldn't believe what she saw--Mulder, leaning heavily on the footboard of the bed, but standing. "Back in the bed," she yelled reflexively. "I'm going to the bathroom," Mulder responded testily. Scully set her jaw and Mulder knew he was in trouble. "You'll have a catheter if you try this stunt again. I don't see how you got up..." "It hurt." "...but you can really injure yourself this way, Mulder. The deal is you do what I say. Remember?" "Yes, doctor. But as long as I'm up..." "Let me help you." "I think I remember how to pee, Scully." "Really, well do you remember what a concussion or a skull fracture feels like? That's what you'll have if you fall down in that bathroom. Let. me. help. you." Mulder and Scully made to and from the bathroom with out further argument. After she helped him lie back down, instead of pulling up the blanket on the bed, she pulled up his shirt. "Scully I hurt too much for you to make a pass at me," he quipped. Removing the bandage, she began to inspect his injury. "It doesn't look like you opened it up. Are you in a lot of pain?" "It's pretty bad," he admitted. Scully looked concerned. It must be excruciating if Mulder was admitting it hurt. "I have two Demerol injections. I'm going to give you one of them now. I would have liked for you to eat something, but I don't want you suffering either." "I'd rather eat," Mulder whispered. He breathing was ragged. He was obviously in a lot of pain. "Fine, I'll bring you something to eat and a pain pill. It will help some. Frohike will be here in a few minutes and I'm going to work. Looks like you got out of writing another report. Just remember this pain the next time you want to try to get up by yourself. I'm here to help you Mulder." Scully disappeared into the kitchen. Mulder heard a knock at the door and was disappointed when it was Frohike who brought him breakfast. **** Scully locked herself in the office and wrote the report. She called Mulder's apartment regularly to check on Mulder and Frohike. Each time, Mulder was asleep and Scully heard strange noises coming from the TV. She didn't want to know. She heard a knock on the door at lunchtime. She knew it would be Ryan but she ignored it. She was tired and wanted to concentrate on the report. Around three she called and Mulder was awake. Asking to speak to him, she read him the report. They argued over how the assailant actually died, and Scully promised to delete that part until after her autopsy. Then she called Ryan. "It's me," she began. "Do you want to go with me? I'm about to give my report to Skinner. I wouldn't mind some back up, especially regarding why the suspect had several bullets from my gun in his chest and, worse still, his head." "Yeah, I'll go. Are you leaving now?" "Yes, my appointment is at 3:30." "I'll see you there." In Skinner's office, Ryan was getting a taste of what Mulder, Scully, and Skinner's lives were like. "So you're saying you shot him in the shoulder, chest, and head and it didn't faze him but then you threw a bowl at him and he dropped dead?" Skinner asked levelly. Scully raised her eyebrows and nodded. Ryan opened his mouth to defend her, but Scully spoke first. "I obviously haven't begun the autopsy yet, but I did look at the suspect at the scene. Interesting thing was that he didn't bleed from any of the gunshot wounds. Not a drop of blood on his cloths." Skinner looked at her over his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Sighing, he began, "Here I was thinking how nice it would be to sit here and listen to a report written just by Scully. Nice and normal. By the book, I thought. Now I suppose you are going to draw some connection between the blood he drained from his victims and his 'bloodless body,'" Skinner said this last phrase with a Halloween-like inflection in his tone of voice. "Until I've done the autopsy, sir, I can't propose any theories." "Well thank God for small miracles. When are you scheduled to do it?" "Tomorrow." "Until tomorrow then," he rose and moved to file her report. Scully and Ryan started to leave the office. "Scully, how's Mulder?" Skinner asked. "In a lot of pain, but otherwise being typically himself. He's already been up strolling around the apartment against orders. I threatened a catheter and I think I won that round." Skinner laughed, "I've got a couple extra sets of handcuffs I could lone you." "Good idea, sir. I didn't think of that." They both laughed and Scully and Ryan left the office. Waiting for the elevator, Ryan cornered her, "How are you?" he demanded in a tone of voice that set Scully's nerves on edge. "I'm fine, Andy. One thing you'll learn about me very quickly is that I hate to be babied." "I'm not babying you. I'm concerned. I'm sure Mulder and Walter are too. When do you get to rest and recover? Don't repeat 'I'm fine' to me either. A concussion is not fine. Thirty stitches and a couple pints of blood aren't fine either. You need rest as much as Mulder. And you're doing the autopsy tomorrow? How would Mulder react if he was in any condition to react?" Scully's expression softened. "He'd react the same way you are. I promise to get some rest tonight. Tomorrow I'm doing the autopsy and that's all. It's the best I can offer myself right now Andy." "Let me stay with Mulder tonight and you go home. Get some real rest." "Mulder would never go for it. He can't stand people when he's hurting. He barely tolerates me. I'll be fine." **** Scully arrived at Mulder's apartment completely exhausted and wishing she had taken Ryan up on his offer no matter how uncomfortable Mulder would have been. But Mulder needed more than a guard to keep him from hurting himself. He needed medical attention to observe for infection, renewed internal bleeding and a myriad of other complications. Outside a hospital, only Scully could provide that. When Scully was unlocking Mulder's door, she heard Frohike yelling at Mulder. "If she comes home and sees this, she'll kill us both. Get back in the damn bed you moron. " "I've been in the bed all day," Mulder grunted. "I just want..." "I don't care what you want! Get in the bed!" Scully yelled this with a level of fury in her voice Mulder had never heard. She pushed him roughly back to the bed and Mulder fell down hard, moaning as he did. Before he knew what happened, he felt handcuffs around his wrist. "What in the hell?" he stammered, trying to catch his breath in the pain. "Skinner's idea. I decided I liked it. This is strike two, Mulder. On strike three I call an ambulance and you go back to the hospital. I don't need this. I'm your partner, not your mother, not your wife, not your goddamn nursemaid. This is a favor to you. I should be in bed myself, but I'm here fighting with you. You start doing this my way or I'm through. Got it!?" He nodded weakly, face contorted with pain. "When did he take the last pill?" "An hour ago," supplied Frohike timidly. "Well I guess you're shit out of luck Mulder because you can't have another one for three more hours and I can't give you the Demerol with that in your system. So you'll just have to deal with the pain. Try deep breaths. Frohike, come here." She dragged him from the room. "How many times did he do crap like that today?" she demanded without preamble. "Just this once." "Is that the truth?" "Jesus, Scully. I'm afraid to lie to you." She sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. He can really hurt himself this way. Not to mention I could loose my medical license for this stupid stunt. He shouldn't be out of the hospital. You'd better take off. Are you coming tomorrow?" "Byers is in the morning. I'll come around noon." "Whatever, I'd better go try and help Mulder. See you tomorrow." She went back to the bedroom. Mulder's breaths were short and shallow. If he kept that up he'd really regret the case of hiccups it would give him. His eyes were closed tight against the pain and there was a tear on his temple. Seeing it, Scully began to cry herself. "Mulder, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you. I'm so sorry." She pushed up his shirt. Not bleeding. "Thank God," she whispered. "Mulder," she put her hands on either side of his face, "look at me." He opened his eyes. Scully saw the pain in them. "Take deep breaths, Mulder." "Hurts," he managed. "I know, I know. But if you don't you'll hyperventilate and that will hurt more. If you do, it will help the pain go away faster. Trust me. Nice deep breaths. Nice and slow. That's good." She stroked his face and talked to him soothingly until he calmed down a little. "Have you eaten anything? Do you want something to eat?" "Scully, I'd rather you shoot me than sit me up to eat right now." "Ok, I'm sorry, Mulder. Let me go look at the dosage on those pills. You might be able to take another right now if they're not too strong." "That would be heaven, Scully." She nodded and left the room. She came back frowning at the bottle. "How bad is it?" she asked, obviously concerned. "Really bad." Tears came to her eyes again. "It's too strong for you to take another. Let me cut it in half. That's not a perfect solution, but it's better than the alternatives." She returned quickly with half a pill. Holding his head up slightly, she helped him swallow the pill. "Scully?" he whispered after a few seconds. "Yes?" "I swear I won't move but it really hurts to have my arm above my head like that. Please get rid of the handcuffs." She instantly unlocked them. He nodded his thanks, eyes still closed. He didn't open them again for over an hour. When he did, Scully was still there. Focusing on her, rather than the pain, he realized she was stroking his hand, which she held in her lap as she sat on his bed. "Any better?" she whispered. He nodded, afraid to upset the balance by speaking. "I can't tell you how sorry I am for pushing you Mulder. I could have caused the very injury I'm so worried about preventing. It was extremely unprofessional at best. I'm very sorry." "Well," he ventured to whisper. "You accomplished your goal. I won't get up again. I promise." "Are you angry at me?" "Anger would take effort and effort would hurt, Scully. I just don't want to hurt like that again. That was pretty incredible." She felt her heart break. She didn't want to cry in front of him. "I'm going to make you something to eat," she said starting to stand up. He stopped her by holding on to her hand. "No way am I going to sit up to eat it." "Mulder, you need to eat." "It will wait then." "Ok." She sat back down on the bed silently. When he opened his eyes again, Scully was still on the bed but she was barely keeping her head up. "What time is it?" he whispered. She opened her eyes with a start but he could see the exhaustion in them. "About eight. In half an hour I'll give you another pill. You should eat something with it, even if it's just a glass of milk. Soup would be better. I could put it in a cup and you could just lift your head a little and drink it." "I'll try it." "Ok, I'll go make it." She got up. He realized he was still holding her hand. He let it go and she left the room. Her could hear rumbling around in the kitchen. A few minutes later she reappeared with a small cup. "We'll start with just a little. We definitely don't want to make you sick." He shook his head. "Ok, Mulder. I'm just going to prop you up a little. Let me lift you, don't try to help me, and you won't feel a thing. Ready?" He nodded but she saw his anxious expression. She cupped his face in her hands gently. "Mulder, I swear, I won't do anything that might hurt you. Even the tiniest bit. I promise. Try to relax. You'll hurt yourself if you're tense." He nodded and in a swift motion she lifted his head with her hand behind his neck, shoved a pillow under him, and let him down slowly. "Are you ok?" she asked. "Yeah," he sighed. "Ok, let's try a little soup." When he had eaten the entire cup, she handed him the pill. "If you take it with milk it would be better. The more in your stomach, the faster the medicine gets into your system." He swallowed it silently. She took the cups back into the kitchen and returned to his bedroom. "Do you want me to take the pillow away? Would that be more comfortable?" He shook his head. "Ok Mulder, if you change your mind, just tell me." He patted the bed next to him. She came closer. "What do you want?" He took her hand and pulled her weakly toward the bed again. She sat down and he closed his eyes and quickly felt himself slipping into sleep. "Mulder," he heard her whisper while stroking his cheek. Groggily, he opened his eyes. "It's midnight. You can have another pill if you want it." He nodded. Scully stood to get the pill and stumbled against the doorframe as she left the room. "Are you ok?" he whispered when she returned with the pill. "I'm fine. Will you take it with milk again?" "Why did you fall against the door frame?" He swallowed the pill. "I tripped. I'm fine. Close your eyes and go back to sleep. You need the rest." "Did you eat any dinner tonight?" "I've been in here with you Mulder. Now go to sleep." "For God's sake get something to eat before you pass out." "Ok, Mulder. Do you want me to wake you up at four so you can have your next pill or would you rather have it when ever you wake up?" "I'll take it when I wake up." She nodded and left the bedroom. **** The next morning when Byers knocked on the door, Scully was still sound asleep on the couch. She quickly checked on Mulder and went to work. She was scheduled to do her autopsy at nine and showed up almost an hour late. By the time it was finished, Scully was dead on her feet. Ryan found her with her head on the desk in Mulder's office. "Dana, you need to go home," he said after standing in the doorway unnoticed for several minutes. She straightened up. "I'm fine. I was just up late last night to make sure Mulder got all his pills." "Dana, you are recovering too. You need some rest. I'm taking you home. Don't argue." She stood up and got her coat. "I'm not going to argue." Scully let Ryan take her home. She even let him fix her dinner. By the time she finished it, she was falling asleep at the table. "Come on, Dana. You're going to get some sleep." "I need to get to Mulder's." "Your friend is going to be there until six, right? That gives you three hours sleep. You need it. Come on." He pulled her back to her bedroom. She practically fell asleep before her head hit the pillow. At five, Ryan called Mulder's apartment and explained to Frohike that Scully was asleep. He confirmed Mulder was doing well and that Frohike could stay. He then decided to let Scully sleep. He knew he'd be facing a storm when she awoke, and he was correct. He was watching television in the living room when he heard her. "Shit!" Half-dressed she rushed into the living room. "Do you know what time it is?!" He nodded, "And I assume from your tone you do too. Calm down. I called your friend. Mulder is fine. You needed the rest if you were going to be any good to him." "Ryan! I'm not staying over there to read bedtime stories to him. He needs medical attention. Constantly. Frohike wouldn't recognize an infection if it bit him in the ass. I need...." "Don't stand there and yell at me then. Get dressed and I'll drive you over there. But don't be mad at me. I'm doing for you what you're doing for Mulder. I'm making you take care of yourself. By the way, the guards in the Hoover Building have been instructed to not admit you for the rest of the week and your security badge has been restricted. Skinner wants you to get some rest." "You son of a bitch. You have no right...." "I don't care how angry you are. Now you're wasting time. Get dressed." She stared at him furiously and stormed back to her bedroom. Ryan was surprised she didn't stomp her feet. When he dropped her off at Mulder's apartment, she got out of the car, slammed the door, and marched upstairs without a word to him. Mulder heard the door open and perked up. "Scully," he called weakly, "is that you?" "Yes Mulder," she said hurrying into the bedroom while still shedding her coat. "Are you ok? How's he doing?" She directed herself to Frohike. "He's ok. Stir crazy." Frohike gave her a run down on Mulder's day while she took his temperature and checked his wound. "Are you still in a lot of pain today?" she asked Mulder, brushing his hair from his face. "Just Frohike, the pain in my ass. I'm so glad you're here." "I'm sorry. I took a nap and slept longer than I intended. What did you eat today? Are you hungry?" Scully got Frohike out the door and herself and Mulder settled. "You seemed upset when you came in," Mulder said. "I was. I intended to come at five but I let Ryan talk me into going home for dinner and a nap. He promised to wake me up but let me sleep instead. I'm pretty damn mad. You need medical care. You shouldn't really be out of the hospital. But worse than that, he got Skinner to bar me from the building for the rest of the week. Son of a bitch...."she repeated. Mulder shook his head. "He's a brave man. That occurred to me several times when you were being stubborn about injuries but I never had the guts to do it." "You wouldn't dare...?" she sputtered, shocked. "No I wouldn't, but he did the right thing..." "I wouldn't even go there, Mulder..." she warned. "You are exhausted because you're still recovering. It's affecting your judgement." She began to protest but he interrupted her. "If your judgement is sound than it's a good thing you work on dead people. It'll spare a lot of patients a lot of pain." Scully felt tears come to her eyes. "Mulder, I told you how sorry I was that I pushed you..." "Yes you did, but it didn't stop the pain. 'This above all else--do no harm.' Remember that oath, Scully?" Scully closed her eyes and turned her back to him. It was a full minute before she trusted herself to say anything. "I'll get you some dinner, Mulder. You need to take your antibiotic and you can have another pain pill if you want it." "Scully...." "I'll be back in a few minutes." She fled the room. He heard her go to the kitchen and then heard nothing. After enduring silence for as long as he could bear, he struggled out of the bed. Walking slowly and carefully to the kitchen he was stunned by what he saw--Scully leaning on the kitchen counter, hand clamped over her mouth, crying silently. "Scully!" he breathed. She turned shocked. Her brow furrowed instantly. "Are we going to do this again? Back in bed, Mulder! Now!" Instead he walked slowly over to her and put his arms around her. "Mulder, go to bed," she said firmly but in a quiet tone of voice. She made no move to escape his embrace. It had been months since he had held her. She was amazed how much she missed the feeling of his arms around her. She found herself gently putting her arms around his waist, leaning her face against his chest. "I'm sorry, Scully. I shouldn't have said that. I know you feel badly enough." "You're right to be angry, Mulder. I could have killed you pushing you that way. If the wound had opened again...." "You would have called an ambulance. It's not a life threatening injury, Scully. You're tired. We're going to order some dinner, eat it, and go to sleep." "You are my best friend. I can't believe I...." "Shhh," he put his finger over her lips. "Stop, Scully. I'm sorry quoted the Hippocratic oath at you. It was cruel and it was wrong." "No worse than...." "Shhh. No more. No more beating yourself up." He held her in his arms, stroking her hair until she stopped crying. When she did, he stepped back and cradled her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. He intended to ask her if she was feeling better, but looking at her in his arms something snapped in him. He leaned down, despite the pain, and kissed her. Unlike the kiss on New Year's, this kiss was passionate, desperate, and seemed to last forever. When they separated, Scully stared at him with wide eyes. Mulder slowly realized all the implications of what he had done. "Jesus, Scully! I don't know what...I am so sorry." She lowered her eyes. "You need to get back to bed, Mulder." Her voice sounded extremely tired. He was motionless, as if rooted to the spot, "Scully, if you want to leave...." "I'm not leaving, Mulder. Let's get you back in bed before your injury really starts to hurt." She led him to the bedroom and helped him into the bed. "Do you want pizza or Chinese?" "Scully, we need to talk about this." "There's nothing to talk about." "How can you say that?" "Because it's true. Nothing happened." "Nothing happened?!" She didn't respond. She didn't look at him either. "You look me in the eye and tell me nothing happened. That you felt nothing. Then I'll agree with you that nothing happened." "I'll tell you what, Mulder. I'll call Andy over here, and we'll all discuss it together." He stared at her. "Nothing happened," she repeated. He was silent for a moment. "If you loved him, this wouldn't have happened." "How dare you say that to me?" She said very softly. "You know nothing about my relationship with him." After a moment she said, "If I betray him this way, I'm betraying you and myself as well." She looked at him. "Could you ask me to betray someone that way? Could you live with it if you did? If we did?" "No," he whispered. "Nothing happened then." She turned and left the room. He heard her order Chinese and heard her answer the door when it was delivered. She came back with plates, silverware, and boxes of food. "Ok, let's get you propped up a little or you'll choke to death." Mulder watched her eat, get him his medicine, and perform all the rest of the evening's activities as if nothing had happened. **** MULDER'S APARTMENT ALEXANDRIA The next morning Scully awoke to a knock on the door. 'Damn, I forgot to tell Frohike not to bother to come over,' she said to herself and she stumbled to the door. When she opened it, she saw Frohike and Ryan. "What in the hell is this?" she demanded, immediately suspicious. "I'm here to look after Mulder," Frohike said, letting himself in. "And I'm here to look after you," her expression was instantly furious but he didn't let her speak. "You can be as angry as you want. You can never speak to me again. All that's fine. But I won't let you make yourself sick over this. Mulder can safely go four hours between checks. I called the hospital and asked. So go in and check him and then I'm taking you back to your apartment, you're taking a shower while I fix you breakfast, and then you're getting some sleep. I'll bring you back at noon." "You are not my father. You can't give me..." "And you are in no condition to argue. You can't effectively resist. I will drag you if I have to. You can spend four hours cuffed to your bed or asleep in it. Your choice." "You wouldn't dare." "Try me. I'm every bit as stubborn and self-righteous about this as you are about Mulder." Scully walked back to the bedroom to check on Mulder. Ryan followed. When Mulder saw him, he looked away quickly. Ryan assumed he was embarrassed by his presence. When Scully was finished, she sat down on the chair in the room and told Frohike to leave. "Afraid not," Ryan intervened but Scully interrupted him. "If you try to carry out this crazy plan in front of Mulder, a lot of people stand to get hurt." Ryan's expression hardened. "I doubt it. He cares about you every bit as much as I do. Mulder, I'm taking Scully home, forcibly if necessary. She is recovering from a concussion and significant blood loss and she needs some rest. Surely you must understand my concern." Mulder considered him a minute. "I do. But I hope you know she'll never forgive you for this. Control is a big issue for Scully." "I know." Scully looked from Mulder to Ryan in wide-eyed amazement. Ryan turned his attention back to Scully, "I'm warning you, Dana. Get up and go to the car or I will drag you out." She looked at him defiantly. "You lay one hand on me, it will be the last thing you do." Scully's eyes blazed furiously. "For God's sake, Scully. You won't let me out of the bed and you won't go spend fours hours sleeping in one yourself," Mulder yelled in a still weak voice. "Don't be childish. Just go with him or I'll help him drag you out myself." Without a word, Scully walked from the room. Ryan mouthed a thank you to Mulder and followed her. She walked straight to his car, got in without waiting for him to open the door for her, and folded her hands across her lap. They drove to her apartment in silence. When they arrived, she angrily realized she left her keys at Mulder's apartment in her purse. "I forgot my keys, we have to go back..." she began, but Ryan produced her purse from under his coat. "Good try," he said, handing it to her. She frowned. "You give me too much credit. It wasn't intentional, it was forgetfulness." "That's why you need some rest," he said under his breath. She turned to glare at him. "Take a shower and get in bed. I'll make you some breakfast and bring it to you there." "You can leave. I'll make my own breakfast..." "And head right back over to Mulder's. No way. Just go take a shower." "Mulder was right. I'm not good at taking orders." "Too bad," he said walking into the kitchen. "If I don't hear water in 30 seconds, I'll come throw you in the shower myself." "Andy!" He turned around as angry as she looked, "Dana, I have nothing to loose here. I'm not stupid. I know I've already pushed this past the point you'll forgive me. So the only thing I can salvage is my goal of making sure you recover safely. By God I will do that. Get in the shower." "Nobody tells me..." she didn't get far in her sentence. Ryan turned and grabbing her by the wrist hauled her off by brute force to the bathroom. Scully automatically moved to defend herself, breaking his grasp by twisting her arm from his hand. He picked Scully up bodily, pinning her arms to her sides with his arms around her torso, and carried her to the bathroom. Flinging open the door, he pushed her against the wall, knee in her back. He dragged her arms behind her back and cuffed them, He then spun her around and cuffed her to the towel rack. Without speaking, he turned on the shower and adjusted the water. "Will you get in or do I have to cuff you to the soap rack?" He finally said, looking at her. Her eyes were wild and she was breathing too hard to answer. Studying her carefully to determine the danger if he uncuffed her, he realized he saw fear in her eyes. "Dana, relax. I'm not going to hurt you." She focused on him and he saw the defiant expression almost replace the fearful one. "Ok," he said reaching behind her and unlocking the handcuffs that fastened her to the towel rack, "tell me what's going on here. You know you have no reason to be frightened of me." Her hands were still cuffed behind her back with the other set of cuffs. "Andy, take these cuffs off me," she whispered breathlessly. "What will happen if I do?" He wanted to be sure he wouldn't have to wrestle her back to the bathroom again. "Take them off me and let me out of here!" she shrieked, near tears. Ryan was shocked. He expected a fight and anger. She looked near panic. "Ok, Dana. Come here." He backed out of the bathroom, allowing her to follow. When they were in her bedroom, he turned her around and unfastened the cuffs. She put her hands over her face. Ryan turned her around. "God, Dana. Did I hurt you? What in God's name is going on here?" She backed away from him and turned away. "Please just leave me alone." Her voice was a whisper. "Talk to me. What is happening here?" "Leave." "Not until you tell me what's going on." "I need for you to give me a little space, Andy. Now!" He backed away, leaving her bedroom and going to the living room. She closed her door, but he could still hear her crying. After almost half an hour, the crying stopped. He quietly knocked on the door to her bedroom. No answer. He opened it. She was asleep on the bed, his handcuffs hurled to the floor, the bathroom door closed and locked. He sat down in the chair in her room and waited for her to wake up. She slept for almost four hours and Andy was about to wake her anyway, when he saw she was having a nightmare. She struggled against the blanket he had pulled over her. "Dana," he took her hand. "Dana, wake up. It's just a dream." She awoke with a start, sitting up abruptly and clutching her head as she did, brow furrowed. "Are you ok?" She looked at Andy. He was sitting on the edge of the bed looking extremely concerned. "Yes, I sat up a little too fast and my head still can't take that. I'm fine." She was rubbing her forehead and temples. "Will you tell me why you freaked...?" "I did not freak!" "Fine, what ever you want to call it. Will you tell me why you reacted as you did?" "You dragged me to the bathroom, you cuffed me to a towel rack, and threatened to throw me in the shower. You want to know why I reacted badly?" "You were scared to death. I caught you off guard and I over powered you. You might be embarrassed by that, or angry. If you didn't know me as well as you do, you might even be frightened. But you were terrified. Hysterical. I'm a behavioral psychologist, Dana. That was out of character for you. You might feel better if you explain it to me. I can probably look through your file again and figure it out from your background check if you won't." She was silent. "Were you attacked in the past?" he began. "I work for the FBI, Andy. I'm attacked on a regular basis." "I mean were you the victim of a crime? Please, I know you're hurting. You can't imagine how much I am too, knowing I caused that. I'm begging you, talk to me about it." She closed her eyes. "It was the second year Mulder and I were working together. We had a really bad case. The perpetrator, Donny Pfaster, was desecrating graves to satisfy a fetish he had with hair. He escalated to murders. It really got to me for some reason but I didn't want Mulder to see it. He was just starting to trust me. Somehow Pfaster saw me. At a crime scene, maybe. I never knew." She was breathing heavily again. "He ran me off the road and kidnapped me. He was about to kill me when Mulder...." She stopped, unable to continue. "And somehow this reminded you of that," he prompted after a few seconds. "Like I said, his fetish was hair. He dragged me into a bathroom and filled up the tub. He wanted to wash my hair..." now Scully was biting her lip not to cry again. Ryan put his hand over the tips of her fingers, offering his presence if it helped. Careful not to make her feel trapped. "I didn't know, Dana. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She broke and began crying again. He slowly put his arms around her, afraid to frighten her further. She didn't resist. "Two months ago, Pfaster escaped from prison and came after me again. In there...in my own...I shot him..." she continued crying. After what seemed like an eternity, Ryan realized Scully had finally stopped and was still breathing heavily with her face against his chest. "I'm so sorry," he repeated again, now that she had quieted down. He felt her nod against his chest and relax slightly. "You slept for four hours. Do you want me to drive you to Mulder's?" He was surprised when she shook her head. "Are you sure?" She lifted her head from his chest and sat back. "Mulder will see in a second that something is wrong. I really would prefer not to go into this with him." Ryan closed his eyes. "I am so sorry. I only wanted to...." "I know. It's not your fault. I should have done what you wanted. You were right anyway." "Dana, I have no right to ask you anything and you are under no obligation to do what I ask. I just want to make sure you're all right. I had no intention of...." "It's ok." "No it's not. It's inexcusable." "It's ok," she looked at him sadly and caressed his cheek. He captured her hand under his. "Dana, I'm sorry. I've been really worried about you. That freak hit you harder than you're willing to admit and you're wearing yourself out with Mulder...I...I love you and it's surprising me how difficult it is to watch you do this to yourself." "Andy!" Scully breathed. "I don't want to pressure you..." "You're not," she reached up with her other hand, caressing his face and pulling him toward her. "Dana," he warned. She silenced him with a kiss. His arms went around her slender waist and hers around his neck. As she leaned back against the headboard she pulled him down with her, on top of her. She kissed him hungrily as her hands removed his tie and shirt. She pulled her t- shirt over her head and he unclasped her bra and pushed it off her shoulders. His hands were all over her. As slow as his seduction had been last weekend, he was uncontrolled now. His hands moved to her thighs and she moaned his name. He pulled her slacks over her hips and ankles and threw them to the floor. His hands were again on her thighs, brushing the edge of her silk panties. She writhed under him and reached for his belt. He stopped her hands, pinning them to the bed as he pushed himself up. "Dana, this is way too much, way too fast, at the wrong time. We need to stop." He was breathing heavily. His body didn't seem to want to slow down. She freed her hands and grasped his length through his pants. "Jesus, Dana," he threw his head back and collapsed against her again when he felt her kissing his neck. He returned her kisses greedily. "I want you. I want this," she whispered. The sound of her voice sobered him. "And believe me, I want you. When you are thinking straight. When you're not exhausted. When you're not reacting in fright. I don't even know what you're reacting to here. This weekend when I was kissing you, you were scared to death...so tense. Let's just slow this down, so we don't do something we'll both regret." "Andy, I...." "Shhh, don't say anything and don't do that," he said reaching down and dragging her hands above her head and pinning them there. "Just relax," he kissed her gently. She closed her eyes and returned the kiss. When he felt her body relax, he slid his hands from her wrists to her body and around her waist. He continued to kiss her slowly. Hours later Ryan awoke with a start at the sound of the phone ringing. He sat up trying to get his bearings. He was still in Scully's bed. She was lying next to him, still asleep. He dove for the phone before it disturbed her. "Hello?" he whispered fiercely. "Who is this?" asked the caller. Ryan recognized the voice. "It's Andy Ryan, Mulder." "Where is Scully? Why in the hell are you whispering?" "She's asleep, I didn't want to wake her." "Got it," said Mulder evenly. Ryan had no doubt that he did get how bad this looked. "I wanted to check on her since she didn't come back. I'm glad she's ok. Tell her I'll talk to her later." "Who is it?" Mulder heard Scully's sleepy voice ask. Ryan mouthed Mulder's name. "Oh my God, Mulder! How late is it?" He heard her ask. "Give me the phone." There was a pause. "Mulder, I fell asleep again. Are you ok? Is Frohike still there?" "I'm fine. I feel much better. Frohike is still here. I was checking on you actually. How are you?" "I'm fine. I obviously got a lot of sleep." "Did you?" he said under his breath. "What is that supposed to mean?" "Nothing, will I see you tomorrow?" "You'll see me tonight. I'm on my way over." She hung up the phone and turned to Ryan. "Were you asleep too or did you let me sleep this late again?" Her voice was soft, not angry. Ryan was relieved. "I must have fallen asleep too. I can't imagine why. I never sleep during the day. Must have been the environment," he said, caressing her cheek. "I have to go see Mulder. God only knows how he has injured himself," she continued to mutter to herself as she got dressed and gathered her things. "Will you drive me? My car is still at Mulder's." "Sure, let's go." **** "Thank God you're here. Mulder is driving me nuts." Frohike exclaimed as he opened the door. Ryan and Scully entered to Mulder's voice coming from the bedroom. "You're not any picnic either Frohike." Scully got the run down on Mulder's day as she examined him. "You're healing well, Mulder. Tomorrow or the next day I'll take the stitches out of your arm. In a few days we'll think about these," she said running her hands over the wound on his abdomen, checking for swelling. "What happened to your wrists?" Mulder exclaimed, grabbing her hands. Her wrists were ringed with dark bruises. Scully looked down at her wrists. So did Ryan. Mulder did not miss his expression--grief. "How did this happen," Mulder demanded again. "I don't know, Mulder." "You don't know!" He picked up her hand and held it forcibly still to study her wrists. Ryan saw her jaw clench as she fought the urge to openly wince. Just as seven years of exposure to Mulder had improved Scully's profiling abilities, seven years of working with Scully had taught Mulder enough about forensics to recognize these marks. "Scully this is from..." he trailed off and looked up at her. "Let me go, Mulder." "Tell me how this happened," he demanded again, still staring at her. She couldn't look at him. "That's enough, Mulder. Let her go, you're hurting her," Ryan said. Mulder looked at him, eyes widening as realization dawned. Ryan took Scully's hand out of Mulder's grasp and pulled her from the room. Mulder struggled to get out of the bed and follow them. He staggered to a stop in the bedroom threshold. "I'm going to have to tell him something!" "Tell him the truth." She spun around to face him. "If I told him the truth, he'd kill you." "Maybe I deserve it, Dana...." She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his chest. "Let's not go there again, alright. You didn't know." He put one arm around her waist and used his other hand to lift her face to his, "It's no excuse." "Shut up, let it go." She stood on her toes and kissed him. Mulder closed his eyes and turned back to the bedroom. He was still leaning on the bed when he heard the door close. Scully was in the bedroom before he could react. "Don't yell, I'm getting back in bed," he said with a defeated voice. "What did you hear?" she asked, helping him. "Nothing." "Mulder," she began. "Scully your personal life is none of my business," he said firmly. "Besides I don't want to know what you and Ryan might be doing with handcuffs," he said dully. "What?!" she exclaimed shocked and disgusted. Mulder didn't look at her. "Mulder I don't even want to know what your filthy mind has concocted but whatever videos you and Frohike were watching today were just videos. Andy and I are not to the point in our relationship where I'm ready to sleep with him yet, much less engage in deviant sexual behaviors. For your information, these bruises were caused when he made good on his threat to make me do what he asked today." She turned to walk away but he grabbed her. "What did he do to you?" "None of your business." "The hell it isn't! What did he do?" "He asked me to take a shower and go to bed while he cooked me breakfast. I refused and he dragged me into the bathroom." "Where did the cuffs come in?" "Needless to say I wasn't cooperative and he couldn't control me and turn on the water so he cuffed me." "And how did you react to this little scenario?" his tone was even but his eyes were wide. "How the hell do you think I'd react? You're the one that observed I don't like to feel out of control." "And that's all? You weren't reacting to anything else?" She stared at him. "Why?" "You tell me." She looked at him and then lowered her eyes, "It reminded me of the Pfaster case," she whispered. "Scully!" he breathed. "I'm alright, Mulder." "Well you're right that I'll kill him when I see him," he said taking her hand in his and tracing the bruise with the fingers on his other hand. "He didn't know about the Pfaster case. Let it go." She looked at him curiously. "Did you already know what it was I was reacting to?" He nodded. "How?" "Scully, I will never forget the Pfaster case. It's the first time you let me see what you were really feeling. One of the few times you let me in...And I was there when you killed him. You think I don't know how much that affected you? I don't see how you could stand out there kissing him after he made you relive that." "I didn't intend for you to see that. I thought you were in the bed," she whispered. "Why would you care what I saw. I know you are dating him. I assumed there was something physical involved..." "Mulder...." he continued to look at her softly. "It's not appropriate for me to be kissing him in your apartment...." "Why not? You and he are involved. We never were. Why should I enter into the picture here?" She stared at him. He couldn't read her expression but he didn't need to read it to know he'd strike a nerve with that speech. She remained silent, stunned. "So why did you kiss him? Why were you and he sleeping together when I called? Especially if 'you're not to the point in your relationship...'" Her eyes widened. "You were sleeping with him?" "That is none of your business." "But it's enough my business for you to not kiss him in my presence. How does that work?" He saw Scully's expression harden and braced himself. "Because we've been friends for seven years? Because you are my best friend? Because we are the most significant people in each other's lives?" "After knowing you for seven years wouldn't I want you to be happy? As your best friend wouldn't I be pleased to see you happy with someone you loved? But if we are the most significant people in each other's lives, where is Ryan's place in yours? Just tell me honestly why you care if I see you kiss him and I'll let this drop." "Tell me honestly that it doesn't bother you," Scully whispered trying to gain the offensive. "I said I wanted you to be happy. I never said it didn't bother me to see you kiss him. It killed me. The question isn't what it does to me. The question is, why should you care what it does?" "Because you're my friend!" "And I'm yours. I'll be happy if you are. So tell me to be happy for you. If all we are is friends, that should be enough." "I don't want to hurt you." "Then be clear with me. Tell me you are happy with him. Tell me you love him. Tell me you were sleeping with him, in his arms. Tell me to be happy for you." "Where is this coming from, Mulder? I don't understand it." "I don't understand why you are saying to me that you aren't ready to sleep with him, but I call and you are in bed with him. I don't understand why he was scaring the hell out of you one moment and you are kissing him passionately the next. I don't understand why you kissed me last night instead of slapping me or pulling away. What would have happened if I hadn't stopped? What is happening between you and Ryan? What is happening between you and me?" "What happens between me and Andy is none of your business," Mulder recognized that she was going to run. He wasn't going to let her. "Did he push himself on you when you were reacting his actions this morning? Did he take advantage of you when you were feeling vulnerable? Is that how you ended up in bed with him? I swear I will find him right now and kill him if you say yes." She shook her head. "No, I threw myself at him because I was feeling vulnerable. He stopped me." "Why?" "Because he saw that what was happening was wrong." "And if he saw that and you saw that, then why was it happening, Scully? That is what I'm asking. If you're not ready for intimate physical relations with him, why were you in bed with him. If you knew and I knew that what happened last night was wrong--if you didn't want it--why did it happen? I have known you for seven years and I've never seen you do anything so out of character. Except in the case of Ed Jerse. And I later found out you were dying when you did that. I have to react to seeing this again." "I'm not dying, Mulder." He closed his eyes briefly and then looked back at her levelly. "Then what is the impetus here? Why are you out of control?" "I'm not out of control." She looked at him with renewed courage and self-assurance, "If you want total honesty, I will give it to you. Be sure you can handle it before you say you want it." "If it will help you to voice it to me, do it." "You have expressed to me repeatedly that you regret all the things that happened to me since I began working with you." He nodded. "Did you know that of all the things people have done to hurt me since I've became your partner, your own actions were the ones that hurt me most?" She stopped and looked down, suddenly extremely unsure of what she was doing. "Don't stop. What have I done to hurt you Scully? I honestly don't know and I want you to tell me." "You told me that I made you a whole person, that I was your touchstone. You kissed me. But you can't commit to anything else. You show me what I might have, but you hold it out of my reach." She paused, "Do you want to hear it all?" He nodded. "The worst is that you openly humiliate me multiple times when Diana came back, and you never tell me anything about her. You never express any regret. You never clarify anything about your relationship with her and with me." She stopped again and looked down. "I know I didn't get involved with Andy for any of the right reasons. He reminds me so much of you. But having established that relationship, you take the kind of actions that you did last night." He closed his eyes. "That you are right now with this conversation. Do you expect me to call Andy and tell him I don't want to see him anymore so that I can return to waiting for you to decide if you want to be my partner, my friend, or my...." "Scully, I don't expect anything. I just wanted to know why you were behaving so recklessly." She didn't react. "Can I respond to some of the things you said or would prefer to leave it here?" "That wouldn't really be fair." "I didn't ask that. I asked how you'd feel about it." "I want to hear what you want to say," she said looking at him evenly, as if challenging him. "First, I want you to know that I never said or did anything impulsively...anything I didn't feel wholeheartedly. When I kissed you, both on New Year's and last night, it was because I love you. I want you to believe that." Her jaw dropped as she turned her head to stare at him. He wasn't looking at her. "As far as Diana was concerned...she and I were involved for a year or two when I first founded the X Files. I trusted her. As much as I trust you initially. Less, obviously, as time passed. Being told that she was a plant was as difficult for me to hear as it would be if someone told me you were a plant. I didn't want to believe that. It hurt too much. I didn't want to believe she'd betray me or cause me harm. I didn't want to believe I'd been so completely mislead. If anyone but you had even tried to tell me that I would have killed them. Despite that, I don't deny the way I treated you was wrong. Disgraceful. I can't communicate to you how much I regret that. I am very sorry. Please forgive me." "I do, Mulder," she said automatically. "I hope someday you will really feel that. Regardless, Diana is my past. Never at any point did I consider returning to any sort of personal relationship with her. She is my past. I would like for you to be my future." She looked back up at him, "Mulder that is exactly the sort of statement I'm talking about. What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "I know what it sounds like. I know you are right when you say I wouldn't commit to anything beyond a kiss. And it's too late now. I can only say I regret that, too. Scully, Ryan came to me and asked me if we were involved. He basically asked me for my permission to pursue a relationship with you. And I gave it. I wished him well. I must have been insane, but it is done and I won't betray his trust now, any more than you would last night. What I did last night was wrong. It was probably the basest thing I've ever done in my life. An insult to you and to Ryan. I can only apologize again." "Mulder, I appreciate that you understand that what happened last night was wrong. It was. But you asked me to be clear with you. Do you realize how unclear you are being with me?" "Yes, I'm just being honest. Just as you were. You know, I cold say you are being unclear for the same reasons you believe I am. You're admitting you're attracted to me, yet you're dating Ryan." She looked down and they were silent for a few moments before Ryan spoke again. "I wish I had told Ryan to stay the hell away from you. But I didn't. And now you and he are involved. It's been hard. You seem happy. I want that for you. Sincerely. But I miss being able to touch you, hold you....last night I only intended to apologize to you for what I said. I kissed you because I couldn't resist the intimacy of having you in my arms. It's been so long...." "I know. I felt the same way. That's why I kissed you back." "Then I guess the question is, 'what do you want to do about it?'" "I don't know Mulder. I don't know." "I think you should think about it. Not so you can break things off with Ryan. But because in your own words you're doing things you're not comfortable with...that you feel are wrong. As your friend, I don't want to see you get hurt." The next morning all was not perfectly comfortable when Ryan showed up at the door to check on Scully. Mulder heard him knock and heard their hushed voiced in the living room. "How are you this morning?" he asked quietly. "Much more rested. I can't believe I slept all night after sleeping almost all day yesterday." "You needed the rest." There was a long silence. Mulder assumed he was kissing her until he spoke again. "Do they still hurt?" "They never hurt, Ryan. I never noticed the bruises until Mulder did and you can see they're already fading this morning. I've always bruised easy." "You have such fair skin. What did you tell Mulder?" "The truth." "If he wakes up while I'm here, am I going to die?" his tone was only half-joking. "Honestly, I don't know. We had a pretty heavy conversation last night." "About...?" "You and me. Me and him." "Anything you want to talk to me about?" he asked softly. "Not in his apartment five minutes before you have to leave for work." "Skinner gave me the week off to enforce your week off. Call Frohike. Let's go have breakfast." "Andy, don't push me on this. Give me some time to think." "Ok," Mulder heard him respond after a moment. "What are you going to do today? Spend it here?" "I want to take Mulder's stitches out today. I've got to get my own out too." "Why didn't they use the kind the dissolve?" "To make my life more complicated? God only knows. I can't believe Mulder isn't awake. I'm going to go check on him." "I'll go give him his chance to let me have it. There's no point in putting it off." "You're a brave man," Scully quipped heading to Mulder's bedroom. "Not really. I'm counting on the fact that he's still in too much pain himself to put me in too much pain." "Don't count on it." Mulder was looking at the doorway when they entered. "Good morning, Mulder," Scully said. "Before you start, let me have a look at your wound." "I'm not going to start anything. Good morning, Ryan." He looked at Ryan calmly and evenly. "Mulder." Ryan replied quietly. Even more quietly he added, "I hope you believe I had no intention of hurting her. Physically or emotionally." "I know that. I'm sorry. I just loose it a little where Scully is concerned. Seven years of watching each other's backs...it's a reflexive reaction." "One that I completely understand." "The last thing I need is two over-protective men in my life, gentlemen," Scully interrupted. "I'm going to get your breakfast and antibiotic, Mulder. If you two are ok?" She left the room eyeing them warningly. "I didn't mean to hurt her either," Mulder said quietly without looking at Ryan. "Pardon me?" Ryan asked puzzled. "Ryan, she'll kill me for this, but she won't tell you and you'll misinterpret some of her reactions because of it. That might hurt her even more and I can't allow that. At least if you know, if she gets hurt even more, it will be for the truth and not misunderstandings." "What are you talking about?" "I kissed her Wednesday night." Ryan actually staggered back. "You what?!" Mulder closed his eyes and prepared himself for the onslaught. "I thought I understood you to say you didn't intend to pursue a relationship with her...that you hoped...." "I know what I said. I meant it then. I still do. I will honor my word..." "When? When it's convenient for you?" "My behavior Wednesday night was abominable. I said something very hurtful to her and then I did something worse. She was in a lot of pain because of it and she's still reeling from it emotionally." "If you were able to defend yourself...." "I'd deserve whatever you did." Ryan stared at Mulder with fury still raging in his eyes. He jaw and fists were clenched, a fact that Mulder didn't miss. "What makes you think she won't tell me about this? Are you implying that...." "No! I would never accuse Scully of being untrustworthy. She's embarrassed...angry...off balance. Essentially, I forced something on her that she didn't want. She doesn't deal well with those emotions. That control issue again. I didn't tell you this to hurt you, throw it in your face, or cause trouble between the two of you. I'm sorry it happened but I don't expect you to forgive it. I'm not even going to ask you to try. I told you because I'm worried about how Scully is reacting to it, how you might misinterpret that reaction, and how that could hurt you both." "What in the hell are you talking about?" "I'm sure I don't have to tell you that Scully is a very guarded person...she doesn't let people in easily. What I did hurt her two ways. I pushed her, emotionally. I've done that on very few other occasions, never like this and never to this extreme. In each instance she has reacted by doing something reckless. Scully reacts to feeling out of control by doing something totally out of control...often self- destructive. Second, I betrayed the trust she had that she could be safe with me. She is trying very hard to not let on, but it is obvious to me that she is afraid to be within my reach. As you have observed in the past, trust is a big issue for us and she doesn't feel she can trust me. She's feeling extremely off balance right now. I'm afraid she'll try to escape that feeling by overcompensating for it...by doing something she's not ready for...." Ryan listened to Mulder's speech with undisguised contempt. When Mulder finished he said, "You know Mulder, this might come as a huge shock to you but you are not the only person who knows Dana or who has powers of observation. I don't need you to explain to me that Dana is not behaving normally. I can see that myself. I don't need you to explain why she's behaving that way. I trust her to do that herself." Mulder sighed, "I just don't want to be the cause of any more of her pain." "Well then why don't you back off? Stay the hell away from her." Ryan stormed from the room. Mulder sighed again, deeply, and then cringed at the pain it caused. He heard Scully approaching and knew round two was coming. "Why did Andy leave? What did you say to him Mulder? Did you threaten him?" "No Scully. Put the food down and I'll tell you what I said. I don't want you to throw it at me." "What did you do, Mulder?" she asked with a note of alarm in her voice while placing the tray of food on the bed. "I told him that I kissed you." She stared at him in silence. "Do you want to tell me your motivations for doing that?" she finally asked, voice perfectly calm. "Because I'm afraid of the way you're reacting. Afraid it might lead you actions you'll regret. That might be prevented if Ryan saw them coming and knew how to interpret them." "And precisely what did you tell him you thought I was going to do?" He began to answer but she waved him off, "No Mulder. Don't even say anything. I don't want to know. Just once I'd appreciate it if you trusted me enough to deal with my own emotions...my own issues, without your expert help." "Scully, I caused this...." "Partially, Mulder. But you certainly single-handedly made it worse. I'm calling Frohike. I have to go find Andy and try to clear this up." **** Scully caught up to Andy in his apartment. When she knocked on his door, he opened it and wordlessly let her in. She sat on his couch and did not miss the fact that he sat on the chair across from her. They sat in silence. "Andy, I'm sorry you heard about this as you did...:" Scully began. "So am I," he interrupted. Scully felt her heart beginning to beat faster as dread settled in the pit of her stomach. She had managed to ward it off on the way to his apartment with the hope that he would be willing to discuss this before condemning her. Now it settled in firmly. In response, she lowered her eyes, crossed her hands in her laps, and seemed to withdraw to inside herself. Ryan watched this transformation with fascination. But he wasn't going to let it deter him. "Did you plan on telling me this?" "Honestly Andy, I don't know." "You don't know?!" "I told you this morning that I needed time to think about this." "You told me you needed time to think about what you and Mulder had discussed." "Exactly." "I don't care what you and Mulder discussed. I'm more interested in what you did." "We didn't do anything, Andy." "So you would kiss just anyone? What else would you do with just anyone? Anyone except for me, of course. I waited half a year just to kiss you..." "OK Andy," she retorted heatedly, "you want the details, you can have them unabridged and uncensored. I needed time to think if that kiss meant anything to me. If I decided it didn't, then no, I wouldn't have told you about it. If I had decided it did, well obviously I would have to decide what to say. But Mulder has been my best friend for seven years. He rates some thought." "What do I rate?" "Right now, not a lot given the way you're acting. I understand you're angry. I don't blame you. I came over here to try to talk with you, but you are obviously not interested. Call me when you are." She stood to leave. "Sure, I'll just find you at Mulder's. I call so I don't interrupt anything. He has a phone in his bedroom, doesn't he?" Ryan watched pain chased immediately by rage race across her face. Watching this, he missed her right upper cut until he was sprawled on the floor clutching his jaw. "How dare you...?! I have never done anything to warrant you slinging insults. Mulder kissed me, not the other way around. And I'm not your wife. You have no right to expect anything from me. Especially if you act this way." she railed at him, voice breaking. He looked up at her and saw her anguished expression. "You bastard. Do not ever contact me in any way ever again. Do you understand?" Without waiting for her answer, Scully stormed from his apartment. **** RYAN'S APARTMENT The next morning Ryan was awakened by the telephone. "Hello," he stammered half-conscious. "Ryan, it's Mulder. Can I please speak with Scully?" "She's not here, Mulder. Don't call me." Ryan was about to hang up when he heard Mulder yelling at him not to. "What, Mulder?" "Do you know where she is?" "I don't have any idea, Mulder. And I don't care." "What?! What do you mean by that?" "You figure it out, Mulder. Goodbye." "Wait! Wait, Ryan. When did you last see her?" "Around ten yesterday morning. What's this about?" "You haven't seen or heard from her since?" "No, why?" "Neither have I." Mulder said and hung up. By the time Ryan got to Mulder's apartment through rush hour traffic, Mulder was dressed. He was trying to get past Frohike without injuring himself further or shooting his old friend. Ryan heard Frohike yell, "God damn it, Mulder. Byers, Langley and I will find her. You stay here." Ryan barged in without knocking. "What is going on?!" Mulder glared at Ryan but used the opportunity to push past Frohike. Frohike answered Ryan's question, "Scully is missing." Ryan reached out and caught Mulder's arm. "What does he mean 'missing?'" "Missing, Ryan, means that you can't locate the person despite your best efforts. Now let me go, I have to find her." "Have you called her apartment?" Ryan began. "Are you an idiot? I've sent someone to her apartment, the office, her mother's. She's not answering her cell phone. I told you she is apt to do extreme things. In God's name, what did you say to her to earn you that jaw?" Ryan looked at him. "I assume she was the one that punched you." Ryan nodded his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't intend to cause...." "I didn't come over here to talk about this. I came because I'm worried about her." "Ok. I was going to the office to report her missing. We can get someone to check hospitals and I was going to run her credit cards to see if we can get any ideas...." "How serious do you think this is?" Ryan asked growing increasingly alarmed. "I'm pretty concerned. I've seen her mad enough at me to avoid me pretty successfully, but this is different. She's never walked away when there were medical obligations involved," he said gesturing to his wound. His eyes shifted to Ryan's face, "I've made her mad enough to punch me, but she always at least checks to see if anything is broken. Ryan, I'm no doctor but I'm betting that's broken." "It hurts enough. I don't want to go to the emergency room and explain that a woman...uhmm...explain how this happened though." Mulder nodded and he continued. "Let's get to the office then. Why don't you call her in missing. They can start working on it...." "I told you, she does extreme things. For the sake of her career I want us to be the ones that find her." Ryan was now thoroughly alarmed. **** Two hours later, Mulder, Ryan, and the Gunmen were in the basement office. Ryan was looking distinctly uncomfortable. "We could be arrested for this, Mulder." No response. "This is illegal. A federal crime." Still no response. "How do you know how to do this, anyway?" "I've got many talents," said Mulder dryly as he finished hacking into Scully's credit card company's system with the Gunmen's help. "Got it. She used her card twice yesterday. This is the most recent place," he looked at Byers, "at 2:00am last night, for almost $50." "Could be a hotel room," Langley supplied. Mulder looked at him sharply, angrily. Langley looked back at him, "What?" Lowering his eyes Mulder asked in a soft voice "How can we figure out which business owns this payment code?" They returned to work at the computer. In a few minutes, Frohike announced, "It's a bar. Someplace called Squiggy's." Mulder and Ryan looked at each other. "It's all the way down on...." "We know where it is. Let's go see if Jack can describe who she went home with," Mulder said propelling Ryan from the office with his hand on his arm. "You don't actually think she...." "Wouldn't be the first time. Actually, the first time she was at a tattoo parlor." Ryan's eyes widened as he followed Mulder out of the office muttering, "Jesus, what kind of a woman would go home with a stranger she met at a bar..." Frohike grabbed Ryan, spun him around, and slammed him against a wall. Mulder was between them instantly, but from his expression Ryan couldn't tell if he was going to prevent Frohike from punching him or do it himself. He glared at him, "The kind that is hurting and who now believes that she has no one she can trust to turn to." Ryan dropped his eyes and Mulder grabbed his shirtfront to demand his attention. "I told you. She doesn't trust easily. She doesn't like to let people in. She trusted me and I betrayed that trust. She let you in. I don't know what you said to her but from the looks of you, it wasn't very nice." Mulder's expression hardened even further. "I tried to warn you what would happen," he spat, "I trusted you to help her and you made it worse. Why shouldn't I just...." Mulder had raised his fist and Ryan shrank back against the wall. Byers and Langley pulled Mulder back. "We're wasting time," Byers said softly. Mulder pushed Ryan against the wall and stormed out. In an hour they were in front of Squiggy's pounding on the door. "Nobody's in there," Byers concluded after beating on the door several times. "Owner's name is Harrison. We can get his home address...." Mulder pulled out his cell phone. Ryan pulled his hand down. "This is Jack's home address. He lives upstairs above the bar. He's probably asleep still and doesn't hear us." "Well," said Frohike pulling out a small tool kit, "it's time to wake him up." He began to pick the lock. Ryan nodded to himself and muttered, "Great. Computer hacking and now breaking and entering." He looked at the other men. "We're going to jail here, gentlemen." Frohike popped the door open. "Not until we find Agent Scully." They walked into the bar. Ryan gestured towards a staircase in the back of the room and they climbed the stairs. The door at the top was locked. Mulder knocked on it. When it opened, Mulder found himself face to face with the business end of a shotgun. He backed up, arms raised. "FBI, we want to ask you some questions," he said quickly. Lights flicked on in the stairway. Jack Harrison squinted at them and lowered the gun. "You're lucky I didn't just shoot you, Andy." He looked hard at Mulder. "Fox Mulder, isn't it? You were here with Andy and Dana Scully." "Yeah, that's what we want to question you about. She's missing and credit card records show she last used her card here. We were wondering if you remember who you saw her with last night...." Jack interrupted him. "She's not missing." Mulder shook his head, confused. "She's right here." Jack pushed the door open and they saw Scully, asleep in the bed in the room. Ryan closed his eyes and began to turn around to descend the staircase. Jack grabbed him. "Now wait just a minute, Andy. This isn't what you think. I slept on the floor. I know she's your gal." "What happened?" Ryan asked tiredly. "She came in here yesterday afternoon. We talked until the bar picked up around six. She seemed upset. Usually I can persuade people to get pretty specific, but she wasn't talking. When we got busy, I lost track of her. I noticed around midnight she was in a big crowd of men. Six or eight of them. They were all pretty drunk. They got up to leave around one in the morning and were taking her with them, 'cept she didn't look to me like she was in any shape to give informed consent, if you know what I mean. So I told them they couldn't take her. She got mad, they got mad, and I got the police down here. In the commotion, I pushed her back here. I didn't want the police taking her in--I didn't imagine an arrest for public intoxication and disturbing the peace would look too good on her service record. When I came back, she was past out on the bed. So I slept on the floor." "God," Ryan exclaimed quietly. "Thank you Jack." "Hey, that's what friends are for." Mulder was looking at Scully, concerned. "All this noise and she isn't even stirring." "I figure they slipped her some drug. I noticed she went from being relatively sober to being pretty damn out of it really fast." "If you think they slipped her something, why didn't you call an ambulance?" Mulder asked, pushing past Jack to get to Scully. He felt the pulse at her throat. "She's ok. Just sleeping really hard." "She's recovering from a concussion. Depressants could have a very serious effect...." Mulder began and was interrupted by Scully pushing his hand away from her throat. Her breathing quickened and her eyes opened slightly. She was still, trying to take in her surroundings. Mulder caressed her cheek and she suddenly snapped fully awake. Looking at him without recognition, she pushed herself up quickly in the bed and backed away. "Oh my God..." she whispered. Flinching and putting her head in her hands, she slumped against the headboard of the bed. Mulder put his hands on her shoulders to steady her, but she pushed him away, panicked. He gripped her more firmly. "It's me, Scully." Her brow furrowed and she looked at him painfully, "Mulder?" she whispered hoarsely. "Yeah, it's me. You're ok." She put her head in her hands again. "I'm afraid to ask this. Where am I?" "You're in Squiggy's." She put her hands down on the bed, and leaned her head back against the wall, eyes still closed. "This is a bed, Mulder. Squiggy's is a bar." "You past out in the bar. Jack let you stay in the room above the bar." She said nothing. "Do you understand? Do you remember going to Squiggy's?" She nodded slightly. "Vaguely. I was talking with him...My God, Mulder. I don't remember...much...I can't remember...." "Shhh, you're ok. Nothing happened. You drank a little too much, but Jack was looking out for you." She was silent again. "Scully, I need for you to get sobered up here. Can you stand? Let's try to get some fluids, non alcoholic ones, into you." Her brow furrowed again. "Mulder, what are you doing out of bed?" "That's my Scully. You're coming around a little. Come on, stand up and let's get you something to drink." Mulder spent almost an hour making Scully drink water. She was coming around enough to really hurt and that was making her hard to handle. "Mulder for God's sake, take me home. I just want to sleep this off." "No way, Scully. I want you awake." "Awake hurts, Mulder." "I know, but Jack thinks someone slipped you a drug. I want you awake." Scully's eyes completely focused on Mulder at that. She looked scared. "Yeah, I'm afraid of the effect of the drug in combination with the concussion..." "It was a very mild concussion, sustained a full week ago, Mulder. That's no issue." She trailed off and looked down. "But there's only one reason to drug someone," she whispered, her voice shaking. "I know," he said steadily. She looked at him, her expression demanding an explanation. Mulder told her what Jack had related to them. "Oh my God!" she whispered. She began trembling. "It's alright, Scully. Nothing happened. You're safe." Mulder repeated, hovering over her. He watched her bite her lip to try to retain control, but tears fell from the corners of her closed eyes despite her best efforts. Mulder gently put his arms around her. She collapsed against his chest. "God I feel sick," she whispered a few minutes later. "It's the drug and the alcohol," he said. She shook her head. "I'm not so sure." She put her arms around Mulder's waist. He responded by tightening his arms around her shoulders. "You're safe, Scully. You're perfectly safe," he whispered into her hair. Ryan turned from the scene and wandered over to talk to Jack at the bar. The Gunmen were quietly talking in a group by the door. Mulder held Scully for a long time, trying to get her to drink more water to flush the drug from her system. After a while, she pulled away from him. Eyes on the floor, she spoke. "I talked with, Andy." At the sound of his name, Ryan looked in their direction. Still looking at the ground, Scully continued, "He was upset and I couldn't talk to him. I started to leave and told him to call me when he wanted to talk..." She trailed off. Mulder prompted her, "And..." She looked directly into his eyes for a moment and then back at the floor, "He asked me if there was a phone in your bedroom." Mulder tensed and looked over at Ryan with an expression that should have turned him to stone. Scully, still focused on the floor, hadn't noticed Ryan's presence in the room. Mulder concentrated on Scully, "I'm sure he didn't mean anything by that." Scully sighed. "Come on, Scully. What could he mean by it? He knew you were looking after me and he knew you'd be in the bedroom a lot because that's where I had to be. That's all he meant. You're upset and you're over reacting." "I doubt it, Mulder. And when he hears about this, I can only imagine what he'll have to say." "I'll say 'Thank God you were at Squiggy's so Jack could help you.' That's all I'd say." Ryan had walked over to them and was now standing over the table where they were sitting. Scully's head snapped up. She could hardly breath. She jumped back from Mulder's embrace. The quick action was too much for her still dizzy head and she stumbled backward catching herself on another table. Ryan stepped forward to help her but she shrank back. Her face was crimson and her eyes wide, tears forming in them again. "Dana, please. Can we talk?" She didn't reply. "Mulder, give us a few minutes, will you?" Scully looked at him and shook her head. Ryan looked away, pain in his eyes. But Mulder stood. "Scully, I'll be right over here." He walked away from the table. Scully looked after him and then at Ryan. The blush spread across her cheeks again. "Dana, please. I'm so sorry. I was a jerk. All I want to do now is make sure you're ok." "I'm ok, Andy. But I definitely can't deal with you right now. I can't. Please. I just want to go home." "Ok, I'll drive you..." "No!" Ryan looked away and nodded, "Ok, I'll get Mulder to drive you." "No, I'll take a cab. I need to be alone. I need to think." "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Scully." Mulder had come back over hearing the tone of Scully's voice. Scared. Trapped. "Don't try to tell me what to do, Mulder." "If you want to be alone, I'll call an ambulance and you can go to the hospital. But I'm not leaving you alone with that drug in your system and in this frame of mind." "Dana, let Mulder take you home. Call me when you're ready to talk." She looked at Ryan suspiciously. He walked over and took her hand. "Look Dana. I let jealousy get the better of me once, acted like a jerk, and look at the results. I really care about you. I'm not making that mistake twice. I'd rather see you with a decent person than someplace like this. Please let him take you home. Please, whoever you can trust right now, I don't care who it is, as long as you're safe with them. You're obviously safe with Mulder." She nodded slightly. Mulder, looking at Ryan, took Scully's arm and led her to his car. Ryan and the Gunmen were left to thank Jack Harrison. Mulder painfully put the car in gear and pulled out of the lot. "You shouldn't be driving, Mulder. How many pills have you taken today? You shouldn't even be out of bed." "I haven't had any pills today. I needed my mind completely clear. I'm fine and I'm sure the hell not going to let you drive. You've probably still got a blood alcohol level of two or three." She looked chagrined but rose to the challenge, "If it were that high, Mulder, I'd be dead." She joked and then added more seriously, "You must be in a lot of pain. Let's go to your place so you can get some pills." "No, I want you someplace you feel safe." "I'm fine, Mulder." Her voice sounded tired. "Sure you are." "I am. And I feel just as safe in your apartment as I do in my own." He looked at her doubtfully. "I do, Mulder. Why wouldn't I?" "Because I behaved like a pubescent teenage boy?" She looked at him thoughtfully. "You said you loved me." She saw him tense. "Is that true?" "Yes, Scully, it is," he replied firmly but quietly. "Then why would I be afraid of you." He drew a breath to respond and Scully silenced him. "Just drive, Mulder. To your apartment." When they arrived, Dr. Scully was re-emerging. "You need to get in bed, Mulder. When did you take the last antibiotic?" "At eight this morning." "Time for another one," she said glancing at her watch and seeing it was past noon. She looked a little guilty. "I should know this, but since I was drunk rather than where I should have been, I'll have to ask. Did you take your antibiotics yesterday?" He nodded. "Did you eat at least one decent meal yesterday and today?" "Frohike is a good cook, Scully. I ate." He got in the bed. "I just want to look at the damage you've done today," she said pulling up his shirt and undershirt. She pressed gently around the wound. "It actually looks very good Mulder. You heel very well. I don't see how. God knows you don't lead a healthy life style. I'll get my bag from your car and take the stitches out of your arm. Stay here." She disappeared quickly out the door. Mulder recognized her need to play a role she felt comfortable with and didn't protest. When she returned they sat silently while Scully removed the stitches. She looked at his arm and ran her fingers softly over the still very red scar left by the knife. "This isn't going to fade much, I'm afraid. It'll make a good conversation starter," she quipped looking at him for the first time. He was staring straight at her with a strange expression. She dropped her eyes again and startled at the sound of his voice, "Scully why don't you take a shower, get something for yourself to eat. Take care of yourself. You'll feel better." "I'm fine, Mulder." "Please, Scully." She sighed. Shoulders a little slumped, she headed toward bathroom. Mulder heard her routing around for a few minutes and then heard the water come on. She was in the shower long enough that Mulder was beginning to worry. When the water turned off but Scully didn't emerge from the bathroom, Mulder was worried. He pushed himself from the bed and knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked again, "Scully, are you alright?" Still no answer. "Scully?" He pushed the door open and saw her, towel wrapped around her still wet body, leaning against the sink. "Scully?" He put his hand on her shoulder. She was shaking. Mulder took his robe down from the hook on the door and put it over her shoulders. Turning her around he wrapped it around her. "Come on, Scully. Put your arms in the sleeves." She did and the towel slid from her body. Mulder closed the robe around her quickly. He led her out to the couch, sat down, and pulled her gently down next to him. Putting his arm around her shoulder, he drew her to him. "What are you thinking?" he whispered. She looked up with tear filled eyes. "I'm thinking how lucky I am I was in a bar where the owner knew me. I'm thinking how lucky I am that he noticed me leaving or bothered to stop me. I am thinking how lucky I am that I didn't get...." Her voice broke and she pulled the edges of the robe around her tightly. "Look at me, Scully." She did. "You are perfectly safe. Nothing happened. Nothing. Happened." She nodded, but she didn't pull from his embrace. He held her until she did. "Mulder, can I borrow one of your T-shirts?" "Of course. I'll get you a pair of sweat pants. They'll be long, but better that nothing." She followed him into the bedroom. "You should be in bed, Mulder. Aren't you hurting?" She looked at the table. "You didn't take the pain pill." "I don't want it. You know I hate feeling drugged." "Do you like pain?" "The only pain I'm feeling is related to what I did to you and Ryan. Scully, I know it doesn't cut it, but I am so sorry. You're right. I should have trusted you...." "Mulder, you should have. But I know you were worried that I was behaving erratically and obviously you were right. I don't blame you for what you did." "Scully, that's very generous of you to say, but I know you're angry." "I am. But not at you. Not primarily. I'm angry at Andy. He wouldn't listen to one word I said. I told you what he said...and don't give me anymore bull about his meaning being innocent. We both know it wasn't." She paused. "But mostly I'm angry at myself. For getting myself into this position." "Scully, you dated a man. You can hardly call that putting yourself in a bad position. And Ryan is a decent man who you can trust. He's just reacting badly to a bad situation. You can't fault him for that. How would you have reacted if you saw Ryan kissing someone? Especially if it was someone you knew he was close to. Would you have calmly listened to him or would he have seen some of that Irish temper?" "Why are you defending him?" "I truly want you to be happy." "And you think he can make me happy?" "He was making you happy. Before I interfered." "Mulder, did it ever occur to you that you could make me happy? And make yourself happy at the same time?" He stared at her. "I'm tired of playing these games. We've been playing them for years instead of acting like the adults that we are." "Games? Scully, I...." "Mulder, you told me you loved me. And you said you meant it. I love you. I tried to deny that to myself for a long time but obviously I can't." "You've been dating Ryan for months." "Because he reminds me of you." That silenced Mulder. "And I haven't been able to get you out of my mind since you kissed me. Even when I was trying to seduce Andy." She looked down. "And he knew that. Or at least that something was wrong." "Scully, I didn't do this with the intention of..." "I know that Mulder. But I should be glad it happened for whatever reason before things went too far between Andy and me and it became even more complicated to break this off." He was staring at her again. "I enjoy Andy's company and I think he is a very nice and intelligent man. But I don't feel anything for him. When he kisses me, I don't feel attracted to him. I'm very glad things stopped there." Suddenly Mulder was consumed with curiosity. And jealousy. "Did they?" "Excuse me?" "Did they? You were sleeping with him two days ago." Her eyebrows shot up. "Do you expect a play-by-play, Mulder?" He was silent. "Ok, I'll attribute that to jealousy." She said nothing else. "But you won't answer me." She lifted her chin. "Fine. Things went a little further, maybe. I did fall asleep with him in my bed, probably not as fully clothed as I should have been. But I haven't... we didn't..." "I get it." She looked down, blushing. He leaned over and whispered in her ear. "And I was jealous." It was Scully's turn to be curious, "Then why did you tell him to go out with me. That you didn't care." "I never said I didn't care," he said quietly. "I told him I wanted you to be happy. I didn't think I could do that. We never....except that kiss on New Year's, and you hardly reacted to that." "I what?" "I didn't think you...I mean you didn't come anywhere near me the rest of the night." "Mulder," she whispered. "I'm sorry. It had nothing to do with...well I guess it did. I didn't trust myself to...I thought I'd injure your arm even further if... but Mulder I loved that kiss...I wanted it...more. Ok, I'm babbling. I need to shut up." "I'm glad you told me." He caressed her check. "So what are you going to do?" "About Andy?" He nodded. "Tell him. That's the only thing I can do." "And about me?" "I can tell you what I'd like to do, but you're in no condition." She smiled slightly and then sobered. "But I think that this should go slowly. There's too much at stake." "I'd never push you. You mean everything to me." She smiled and stood. "Where are you going?" "To my apartment for some clothes that fit and don't smell like a bar. And then to talk to Andy," she replied. "Scully, wait." She stopped at the door and turned to face him. "I want you to wait a few days to think and have this conversation with Ryan later." He paused. "When everything else has calmed down. When you've had time to think about all this. Several times." "Mulder, I've thought about this... about you and me...more than several times." "How many times have you let yourself think about it since you started dating Ryan?" She said nothing. "Don't you think you should? Before you do something irrevocable when you're upset." She came back to the couch and sat down. "Mulder, I know I don't respond well when I'm reacting to emotional issues. I agree with you on that. But this one really served to make things crystal clear." "Really?" "You sound like me...skeptical." They smiled. "Ok, look, answer a question. Who was it that got worried and started looking for me?" "I was. But that means nothing. He assumed you were with me. I knew you weren't and I knew you weren't anyplace else logical either." "But the point is you looked for me. I yelled at both of you, but you looked past that." "Scully, that wasn't the first time you yelled at me. It certainly isn't going to be the last." "Exactly. And it doesn't matter. It doesn't affect either of us because we trust each other. I trust you. If anyone else had been there, in the bar, I would have been hysterical." "You were as close to that as I've ever seen." "And when I realized Ryan was there, that's when I really tensed up. And when he wanted to drive me home, I knew there was no way I could take that." She paused. "When it came down to it, Mulder, I needed you. Without another thought, you were the only person I could be with." "That, Scully, is because we are so accustomed to rescuing each other." "No Mulder, rescuing one another is when I shoot someone to save your ass or vice versa. I remember the first time I did that. I was shaky because I never killed anyone before that and because it was a close call. I felt relieved when it was over. That's all. But that's not how it is now. It hasn't been that way for years. This time I needed your arms around me, I needed to hear your voice, I needed just your presence, I needed the safety and warmth I feel when I'm with you. That's something very different from being a good partner or even a good friend. This isn't the first time I've felt this way but this incident made that so clear...that it wasn't just friendship." She looked at him and was amazed by his expression. **** Dana Scully stood in Andy Ryan's hallway and reluctantly knocked on his door. When he opened the door they both briefly looked at one another and then looked down. He stood aside to let her in, but she didn't move. "Are you willing to talk, with out slinging insults, or would you prefer not to?" "Just come in, Dana." She didn't move. "Yes, I can talk to you without being insulting," he said exasperated. She still didn't move. "Andy, it's an extremely rare thing when I'll admit this, but I'm about spent emotionally. I don't want to be yelled at, judged, or accused of outrageous things. The only thing I want is a rational, adult discussion. If you need more time to process all this before you're ready for that, please tell me now. I'll come back." He took a deep breath and spoke as calmly as he could. "Dana, I want to talk to you. I don't want to hurt you. I never wanted that. Please come in." She walked in and sat down on the couch. "Would you like anything? Coffee? Soft drink?" "Coffee might help." He went to get it and returned with two cups and sat down in the chair. Looking at her with a concerned expression he asked softly, "Are you alright? I mean..." "I'll admit, hearing what almost happened shook me up more than any other experience to date." She shook her head, not knowing how to continue. "Physically, are you alright?" "Yes, I think so. I should get some blood work done, but to be honest I probably won't unless it becomes really necessary." He looked at her for a moment. "Mulder told me he wanted me to know about the kiss because he was worried you'd react....badly...unpredictably to it. I threatened to punch him. He was lying injured in bed and I seriously considered hitting him." "I'm very glad you didn't." He didn't react, continuing his story, "I wasn't even as angry that he kissed you as I was that he was sitting there lecturing me on how you'd react. As if after months I didn't know you at all." "After this, you must wonder if you did," she said softly without looking at him. "I'll say that I would never have predicted that you'd drink in a bar with men you don't know. Mulder said you tend to do reckless things when you're upset. He was certainly correct." She didn't look up. "I'm not judging, I'm not criticizing, I just want to know...what were you thinking, Dana? What did you expect the outcome was going to be?" She shook her head. "I...I was hurt. I couldn't speak to you about it. That was obvious--I tried and look what happened. I couldn't go to Mulder. I felt that to go to him would be a betrayal of you. I couldn't go my mother. I was too ashamed and her response would have been that I deserve what I get for dating co-workers. So I didn't feel I could go anywhere." She paused and then looked at him. "I went to Squiggy's with the intention of picking up someone. I usually don't have any trouble attracting attention if I want it, and I wanted it. I needed it. I don't deal well with...the way I was feeling." "Dana, you spend that much time with a man in a bar, he tends to expect something..." She did not respond so he pressed her. "Mulder seemed to think you might go home with someone. That's why we were at Squiggy's, to ask Jack if he could give us a description." "How did you know to go to Squiggy's?" "Mulder and his friends hacked your credit card company's computer. He knows your card number and your social security number by heart, you know. I'd be worried." Scully smiled at that. "Dana, I want to know this. Were you intending to...go home with some man in that bar?" He finished the sentence with difficulty. She answered slowly, "The last time I did that, Mulder would remember, I went home with I guy who, the next morning, slammed me into a wall and tried to throw me in an incinerator because he thought his tattoo was talking to him. That's the night I got..." she gestured to her back, but stopped speaking when she saw Ryan's expression. "You slept with this guy?" She immediately shook her head. "But Mulder probably thinks I did. Ed, that was his name, had killed his downstairs neighbor the night before." Ryan's expression became still more incredulous. "The local PD came by to question him. They reported to Mulder that I had answered the door and spoken to them wearing a man's shirt...Ed's." She paused. "I was lucky. He was a lunatic and a murderer, but he was also a gentleman. When I asked him to stop, he did. And it was way past the point most men would have bothered to listen..." she trailed off again. Ryan said nothing, staring at her. "Mulder and I were at a low point in our partnership and I had just found out I had an inoperable brain tumor. Mulder was on vacation and had sent me off on this assignment in Philly that I thought was stupid. He then proceeded to criticize the way I handled it. When I told him I had to get off the phone he made some crack about me having a date. As if I couldn't get one. So I got one. I thought I might as well have a life for a few months." They were silent for a long time. "I can see where thinking you were dying might push you into extreme behavior. What exactly was it that pushed you this time?" She looked at him, wryly. "I don't expect your answer to make me feel good. But I need to understand this." "Ok. Probably mostly your comment about the phone being in Mulder's bedroom. That hurt. A lot. Mulder and I have been very good friends for seven years. I could be casually sleeping with him if I wanted to be. If I were that type. I could probably be having a serious relationship with him if I wanted that. I chose to be with you. I have never in my life intentionally done anything to betray anyone's trust. I would never cheat in a relationship and that is the one thing I couldn't tolerate in a relationship. I came to you to apologize for not telling you, to work things out, and you said the most hurtful thing I can imagine. That on top of the fact that Mulder did kiss me, which shocked me, and all the other stress from the last week..." "It's not the first time Mulder kissed you." "How in the hell would you know that?!" "He told me." "What, exactly, did he tell you?" "That he kissed you last New Year's eve at midnight." "He told you that?" Ryan nodded. "Well it wasn't the same type of kiss. It was brief and pretty chaste. The kiss Wednesday night was not. And I couldn't believe he'd do that. I mean, not kiss me. I know he's been tempted before. But he knows we're involved. It is completely outside Mulder's personality to betray a friend like that. I was astonished. I admit I lost faith in him briefly." "Is that what motivated your behavior in your bedroom Thursday afternoon?" Scully blushed crimson. "No. I was still trying to figure out if I could trust Mulder. Then the thing in the bathroom reminded me so much of Pfaster. I needed to feel I could trust someone...I needed to trust someone...It's hard to explain." She sighed. "I've hurt you quite a lot the last few days," he observed. "And I know my actions have hurt you too. I don't blame you for what's happened Andy..." She paused, obviously still more nervous. "But I can't lie to you. I need some time away from this. I can't go from this to dinner this weekend. I need some time apart." "I expected that." She let out the breath she didn't know she was holding and looked at him, "Thank you, Andy. For making this easy. I know the things I've told you must have shocked you. You could have made some pretty incredibly painful commentaries on them. I appreciate that you didn't." "I never intended to hurt you, Dana. I truly have fallen completely in love with you. That's why I was so angry at Mulder. And you, I suppose. And I lashed out without thinking. I'll probably look back on that as one of the biggest mistakes in my life." "Andy..." she began sorrowfully. "It's ok. But I want you to hear from me, before you hear from Mulder's unusual little trio of friends...most of those hurtful comments I could have made...I did make them in their presence. Mulder had to keep Frohike from killing me. I mean that. I think that was his intention and he's incredibly strong for such a small man. I was still angry, I was being forced to be around Mulder to try to find you, and I was completely floored when he stated that he thought you'd go home with a stranger from a bar." He was shaking his head. "But I'm very sorry I said anything. I..." "It's alright, Andy. The only reason Mulder didn't say the same things was because he knows that Frohike is blindly in love with me and would react that way. Anything you said would have been an accurate character assessment, anyway. What kind of a woman does go home with...." He put his finger over her lips. "Don't, please." "It's true. I am ashamed of..." "Don't, Dana. We all do desperate things. We can't blame ourselves for them." This time the silence stretched out for a very long time. "I should probably go," Scully said quietly. "Can I ask you something first?" he asked softly without looking at her. "Sure." "Are you and Mulder..." she closed her eyes. Unable to finish his question the first time, he tried again, "Did this make you want..." He still couldn't say it. "Did this make me want a relationship with Mulder?" she supplied, gently. He nodded. "Andy, I don't lie, and you may not want to hear the answer." "I need to hear it Dana." She nodded and continued as gently as she could. "Ok. This made me really notice how much I trust Mulder and need him. He and I already discussed that. I meant what I said when I said I needed some time and I plan on taking that time. But I also know that I wouldn't reject the idea of exploring a relationship with Mulder in the future. And he knows that as well. We discussed that too." He nodded. "I have to ask this to be clear. Does that mean I've lost my chance. That you won't consider giving me another chance." "Andy...you are the only man I've met since I met Mulder that it even occurred to me to go out with. And I have enjoyed it very much. All things being equal, given some time, I might have gone back to dating you. But all things aren't equal. I wanted more from my relationship with Mulder for longer than I can remember. I assumed I'd never get that. Now it is a possibility. I want to explore that. I don't mean to hurt you. I know Mulder isn't you favorite person right now..." "You know I spoke to him, before I actually asked you on a date." She nodded. "I did it because there seemed to be so much between you two. I'm not surprised that I was right, even if you were both still denying it to each other and yourselves at the time. I understand. That's not to say it doesn't hurt, that's not to say I don't hate it, but I do understand." "Ryan I want to be sure you know that Mulder did not intend to cause this. If I thought for an instant he did this intentionally, I would be appalled. He would never do that. Neither would I." "I believe you wouldn't. He told me that he didn't and I want to believe it. It's just a little hard. You may have to give me some time." "Ok." She stood and he followed her to the door. "I really do appreciate that you made this so easy, Andy." "Easy for you," he whispered. "I know. I'm sorry. And I don't mean to imply it's easy. It just could have been a lot worse," he looked up and saw the tears in her eyes. "I'm not going to upset you now. I shouldn't have said that. When you come back to work next week, give me a call. Maybe we can go down to the deli. No ulterior motives. Just friends." He looked down, suddenly on the edge. "Please give me that much," he said, voice barely audible. She placed her hand over his on the doorknob. "Of course, Andy. I'll come by your office at noon on Monday. I won't have much to do because I'm off field duty until Mulder can come back, so we can have a nice, relaxing lunch." He squeezed her hand, "Ok, thanks. I'll see you then." **** When Scully entered Mulder's apartment, he was sitting on the couch watching his television and flipping through files. Scully saw what he didn't notice--blood on his shirt. "Fox William Mulder get the hell back in that bed and I swear I'm going to handcuff you to it again!" Mulder jumped. "Jesus, Scully, you scared me to..." he paused and looked up amused. "Fox William Mulder? I think I was about five the last time anyone yelled my full name at me. I'm fine, relax." She stalked across the room as he was laughing at her. Arriving in front of him, she grabbed his shirt and silently pointed out the blood. Before he could react, she pushed him back against the couch and pulled his shirt up. She was shocked to see his wound continuing to heal well. Mulder noted her confused expression and laughed softly. She looked up. "Where did this blood come from?" "I cut the hell out of myself shaving. I must not have noticed that blood got on my shirt. That's what happens when you don't shave for almost a week." She looked at him closely for the first time since she came in. "I'm amazed you could get rid of that beard, but I'm very glad you did. I never liked beards." She backed away from him, looking contrite. "Sorry about..." she gestured at his shirt. "Oh that's ok, Scully. You can push me down and rip off my clothes any time you'd like. I wasn't opposed to the bed and handcuffs idea either but we've already established you don't like deviant sexual behaviors." She looked at him askance and blushed furiously. "Mulder, you are impossible." "I'm serious," he said in a very even voice. She looked at him nervously. "And that's the way it's going to work. The next move is your, Scully. I don't want to push you. Ok?" "Mulder, I do need some time...." "I know that and I want you to take it. Next move is yours. Make it next week or next year. Whatever you need. I waited seven years. I'm a patient man." She nodded, smiling. "Did you talk with Ryan?" Her smile faded, but she continued nodding. "How'd it go?" "Honestly, better than I had any right to hope for. He was very nice about it. But I still feel badly." "Did you tell him about..." he gestured between the two of them. "That we were going to...change the nature of our relationship?" He nodded, grinning at her formal language. Well it was better than he had managed. "Yes, I did." "How'd that go over?" "Not well. It's obviously hurting him. The whole situation, but especially that." "You're hurting too Scully." "I know. So are you. I know it bothers you when I do things like last night. I appreciate you not grilling me about Squiggy's." "I'm trying not to." "I know. And I know it's killing you but you can relax. As you said, nothing happened." Scully could see he did relax. And smirk. "Any tattoo's this time?" She smirked back at him thanking heaven for the change in topic, "No, still just the one." He was looking at her waist. "I always was amazed at your remarkable restraint...you never asked to see it." she commented. This time he smiled broadly. "No, but I got the opportunity to study it at length when we were out on those motorcycles." He laughed out loud . "So did Skinner. I thought he was going to fall off his motorcycle. Although the tattoo might not be the only thing he was looking at." "Mulder please don't remind me of that. I really like Skinner and I think I finally trust him. But I don't want to think about him staring at me in quite that way." "Neither do I," said seizing her arm and pulling her forward on the couch. "Mulder?! What are you doing?" He reached for the tail of her shirt. She stopped his hand with a playful smack. "I thought you got a look at it already." "I did. I want to touch it." Her breath caught in her throat and she froze, staring at him. His eyes slipped from her face to her waist and he returned to pulling up her blouse. When his fingers traced slowly over the tattoo, Scully felt a wave of desire. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation. His hands splayed across her slim waist as his thumbs continued to trace the pattern. His breath was hot on her back. As suddenly as his hands had descended upon her, he pulled away. Scully turned and looked at him, searching for some clue as to what he was feeling in his eyes. His breathing was ragged and he couldn't meet her eyes. "What is it, Mulder?" she asked softly. "I'm not trying to push you, I know you're not ready. That's why I need a little distance." He looked up at her, "I have never wanted anything in my life like I want you." She reached to caress his face but he grabbed her wrist. "Don't." She smiled and put her hand in her lap. "Scully, I know it's none of my business, but I'm going to ask anyway. What exactly happened between you and Ed Jerse? Please tell me." She hesitated but she knew this was an issue that bothered Mulder when they weren't involved. If they were going to be... She answered slowly, "I almost slept with him. It was very close. But I couldn't and thankfully when I asked him to stop, he did." "Scully...." "Mulder, that is far in the past. I don't even want to discuss it. I'd rather focus on what your hands just did to me." "Scully, if we focus on that you are going to regret it." His expression left no doubt in her mind exactly what Mulder meant. She knew she needed to put some time between the relationship with Ryan and a relationship with anyone else. Especially Mulder. Besides, he'd definitely injure himself that way. "Ok, let's focus on this. What are those files? They look like case files." Mulder's attitude shifted. 'Back to work,' he thought. 'Good, work is safe. I'm used to dealing with this there.' Then out loud, "They are. They were on the desk. Why'd you have them out?" She laughed. "I'm going to open one of them, Mulder. Any preference?" He raised his eyebrows. "Scully, I certainly don't mind, but you never show any interest in opening files. You've always left that to me." "Oh and believe me, I still will. Sorting through that mess you call a filing system gives me a headache. But you are out for another week, and out of the field for at least four weeks after that. You don't expect me to sit in the office with nothing to do next week, do you? It took me hours to find some cases I thought I could resolve without your expert help," she looked at him playfully, challenging him to make a smart-assed comment. He didn't disappoint. "Scully!" he said with a mock horrified expression. "Surely you don't actually believe you can handle a case without me around to keep you on the right track." His tone was playfully mocking. "I bet I can solve any one of those in under a week," she said smoothly. He looked at the files and handed her one. "I'll take that bet. Open this one. What do I get if you loose?" Now he was leering at her again. "Depends on how well you're recovered...what you can handle," she stated nonchalantly. Mulder's eyebrows went up again. **** Mulder didn't get an opportunity to find out 'what he'd get' since Scully did close the case by the end of the week. After his two weeks enforced rest, all he wanted was to get back to work. And to enjoy a thoroughly normal working relationship with his partner. By this, he meant the freedom to stand too close to her, touch her too often, and make lecherous comments. Scully's only reaction to this 'return to normal' was a patient smile and a private, silent admission that she had missed him very much. They moved easily into their next investigation despite the fact that Mulder could not go into the field. Scully could tell that keeping him out of trouble much past one more week was going to be impossible. He was feeling too well and experience told her that only pain effectively restrained him. Her only option was to persuade him to open relatively safe cases. And she knew how likely that was. After work, Mulder quietly suggested take out dinners, TV, movie rentals...very Mulder activities. These were things they might have done together before. In fact they were things they had regularly done before so much of Scully's time was devoted to Ryan, but somehow they felt different. Scully appreciated the fact that Mulder remained true to his promise that he'd do nothing to pressure her towards a physical relationship. She wanted one, but it made her nervous. Tonight, a week after his return to work, Scully had agreed to meet Mulder in his apartment after completing some analysis on evidence they had collected. When he didn't answer his door at her knock, she began to worry and let herself in. He wasn't there. She tried his cell phone. No answer. She tried the office phone. No answer. Glancing out his window, she saw his car parked on the street. She was about to go down stairs to the laundry room in his building, when the door opened- -Mulder, in sweats. "Mulder, do not tell me you went out jogging," Scully said in a tone that would strike fear into the heart of the average man. Mulder smiled and walked past her to the bathroom, taking his shirt off and throwing it on the bed on his way. Scully heard the bathroom door close and lock before he replied. "I didn't go out jogging, Scully. I went running. There's a difference." The shower came on before she could respond. Scully fumed. When he emerged, she was sitting on the couch. He peered at her from the hallway. "Is it safe for me to come out?" "Why wouldn't it be, Mulder?" "You're not mad at me?" He asked, sitting on the couch next to her in jeans, no shirt, and drying his hair with towel. She continued to read the magazine she found on the table, feigning disinterest but knowing that what she was about to say would start a fight. "Mulder, I can't make you listen to reason. When you feel how bad you hurt in the morning, maybe you'll learn a lesson. Remember, I did the abdominal injury thing myself last year. I'm speaking from experience. By the way," she held up a pill bottle, "I'm confiscating these pain pills. You obviously don't need them." "No problem. I haven't taken one for a week." "Talk to me tomorrow," she said softly. "Scully, you said yourself this is completely healed," he sounded irate. "It is, Mulder. But you can't just go back to normal activities as if nothing happened. You know that. You need to take it slowly. Else you might injure the same area or a different muscle group because you favored the injured ones. I told you I'd go to the gym with you and show you the exercises the therapist had me doing last year. If you'd prefer to design your own program, I certainly can't stop you." She paused and then added quietly, "But I won't get you out of the hospital again when you injure yourself. I won't go into the field with you either." "Scully...!" "I'm not arguing this, Mulder. If you go into the field, you go by yourself. I saw the case file on your desk. Too dangerous. I won't go out and get myself killed too." "Scully, the longer we let this lie, the more...." "That's why I recommended to Skinner that he send the case to Violent Crimes so they can begin to work on it." "You what! Scully, this is an X File. They can't handle it...." "Mulder, you are not the only capable agent in the Bureau. In fact, when it comes to field work, you can't even be considered a capable agent at the moment..." "You had no right..." "Skinner solicited my opinion, I did not volunteer it." "But you would have if he hadn't spoken up. And you wouldn't have gone with me. That's what you just said." "That's right. It's not safe, Mulder. These crime scenes show a very violent, very physical assault. I could take you out, unarmed, right now. How could you defend yourself against someone bigger than me? That would be almost anyone...." "You most certainly could not 'take me out.' I do carry a gun...." "Yes, and the criminal ends up with it as often as you end up shooting the criminal with it." "I beg your pardon..." "If that's not true why did you start wearing a second gun?" "Damn it, Scully..." She waited for him to continue. When he didn't she replied, "'Damn it, Scully' is not an argument remarkable for it's cognizance, Mulder." He frowned at her, stubbornly, "I am talking to Skinner tomorrow. I am opening this case. You can stay here if you like, I'll get someone else for backup. And you couldn't take me down, armed or unarmed, now or ever." He was angry. She knew that. She knew not to take him seriously when he was angry. She also knew she had to prove her point or he would do exactly as he threatened. He had turned to go to the bedroom to retrieve some clothes. She considered jumping him. She decided against it and for a fair fight. It would be more convincing. So she followed him into the bedroom. "Ok, Mulder. I'll make you a deal. You prove to me that you can defend yourself and I'll tell Skinner that I think you're ready for field work and I'll go with you." "How do you propose I do that?" She looked at him levelly, "Try getting out of this room." He burst out laughing, "You're kidding me!" She just stared at him with a hard expression. "Scully, I don't want to hurt you." Her eyes narrowed at that, but she still said nothing. He sobered up. "Ok, Scully. Your choice. Just remember that." He walked toward her and grabbed her upper arms, preparing to push her aside. She brought her elbows down hard on his arms and broke his grip. On the returning upswing, she pushed him back with her hands on his neck. "Shit, Scully!" he gasped, surprised. "Don't play rough unless you can take it." She didn't let up so he grabbed her wrists aggressively and dragged her hands down. She twisted out of his grasp and used the momentum to twist his arm. He bent over automatically to relieve the pressure and she pushed his shoulders hard. He lost his balance and fell, catching himself on the bed. Scully jumped on him and pinned his arms to the bed. He winced as he used his sore abdominal muscles to try to push her off him. Failing, he rolled to the side, flinging her to the side along with him. Before he could regain his balance without further straining his injury, she pushed him down on the bed again this time face first. She kneeled on his back. "Ooww, shit Scully get your knees out of my back!" She responded by dragging his arms behind his back and cuffing them. She got off him and rolled him onto his back. Straddling him so he couldn't escape and using her hands to pin his shoulders to the bed, she said, "So I couldn't take you down? Looks like I just did." "It's not a fair fight. I can't hurt you." "I didn't hit you in the stomach either. I could have. You couldn't even get me off you right now to save your life." He leered at her. "Why would I want to?" "Because you want to get back into the field?" she asked, completely missing his insinuation. "Maybe I like being in bed with you on top of me better than I like being in the field, Scully." She drew a quick breath, realizing for the first time exactly where she was. She took her hands off his shoulders and sat up. He began to laugh and she realized she was blushing. She got off him. "Sit up you idiot and I'll take the cuff off you." He struggled to rise but, still laughing, could not. She pulled him up and unlocked the cuffs. She moved to get off the bed but Mulder pulled her back, hands on her waist. "Come back here," he demanded. She sat down hard on the bed. He elbowed her down. "Mulder!" she shrieked in a shocked voice. He pinned her easily and dragged her hands above her head. "Now who can't defend themselves?" he asked mockingly. "Mulder, let me up right now!" "I like you where you are." Her eyes narrowed and she fought to free herself. With gravity on his side, he held her still with relative ease despite his sore muscles. "Mulder, please." Her voice was now a whisper. It commanded his attention more than her earlier loud protests. He let go of her arms but did not move off her. She put her hands on his chest to push him away. "Please let me up." He caressed her cheek. "I'd never hurt you." "Mulder, I'm not ready for this. Please let me up." He moved off the bed and she sat up quickly and hastened to jump off it herself. "Scully..." "Don't Mulder." She started to push past him to the living room. He grabbed her wrist. "Scully, I'm sorry. I didn't intend..." "I know that, Mulder. Neither did I. Just forget it. Ok?" She fled to the living room. He followed her. "Scully if something like that had happened two weeks ago, I'd understand your hesitation to discuss it. I don't now. If you're uncertain about pursuing this...if this made you that uncomfortable.... Well, it would be a lot easier on me if you simply told me that." She turned away from him. He felt tears burning his eyes and anger burning his heart. He pulled her around roughly. "I said, just tell me," he insisted, face inches from hers as he leaned over her. He was astonished by her response. Pulling his head down with her free hand on the back of his neck, she kissed him. The kiss deepened instantly, their tongues dueling. He pulled her against him and she put her hands on his neck, pulling him closer still. His hands roamed over her body--her back, waist, and up to her face. Cradling it, he pulled away from her. "Scully," he whispered breathlessly, "two seconds ago, you weren't ready for this." His eyes searched hers for some clue as to what she was really feeling. "Shut up, Mulder," she pulled him back against her. He resisted and stared at her intently. "Mulder...." her tone was pleading. He nodded, "You're in control here, Scully. You stop this where you want it to stop. Don't expect anything from me. I've wanted you for longer than I can remember. I won't be in much control of myself..." "Shut up, Mulder," she repeated more insistently and kissed him again. His reaction shocked her and made her feel a rush of desire. He pulled her against him, holding her tightly against him as he plundered her mouth. Mulder was an intense man. She always assumed he would be an incredibly intense lover as well. She now knew how weak her imagination was compared to reality. She moaned into his mouth and his seduction increased. His kisses slid from her mouth down her jaw line to her neck as he pulled her toward the couch. She found herself half on the couch, half on him before she realized what was happening. And his hands. She was on fire. Everywhere he touched her she felt a trail of searing flesh that burned down to the already wet pool of desire between her legs. And his hands had not descended past her waistline or even wandered under her clothes. He may have said she was in control, but she knew that wouldn't last long. Her mind was reeling. She knew he was right. She wanted more than a week between being in bed with Ryan and being in bed with Mulder. Somehow it seemed wrong--disrespectful--otherwise, no matter how long she'd wanted Mulder. She also wanted things to progress slowly between them, so they could be certain. But being in his arms right now, she was pretty certain she wasn't going to stop him. On the contrary, she was pretty certain she wanted him more than she wanted to breath. She wanted to feel the way he made her feel. She wanted more. She realized she was running her hand over his bare chest--he had never managed to get the shirt he entered the bedroom for--and she wanted to know how they would feel skin to skin. She began to unbutton her blouse. Mulder helped her and soon she was lying on top of him, naked from the waist up, marveling that the sensation of him touching her bare skin could make her even more hot than before. And then his hands grazed her bare breasts. She moaned out loud and he responded by pushing her slowly off him and back onto the couch so he was on top of her. When she didn't protest, he cupped her breasts fully in his hands, kneading them softly before concentrating on her nipples with his fingers and mouth. She moaned again as his tongue circled her nipples. His mouth descended on her and he sucked and nipped lightly with his teeth. She entwined her fingers in his hair and arched her back. She felt his hands skim over her waist and hips to caress her thighs. She ground her hips against him eliciting a groan from him. He slid his hands under her buttocks and pulled her against him again. She responded eagerly. Breathing raggedly now, his hands moved nearly frantically over her thighs and hips while his tongue still teased her nipples. When she reached down to unbutton her slacks his hands seized her wrists and he pulled away from her suddenly. Her eyes flew open and she stared at him as if he were insane. "Mulder...!?" He shook his head in response and took a full minute to get his breathing under control before he could speak. "Wait a minute, Scully. Just stop and think. Is this what you want?" "I think that's pretty obvious, Mulder," she replied, her breathing still erratic. "No Scully, I mean it. I have waited seven years for you. I can wait a few more days. Just minutes ago you ran from my bedroom. You had a clear head then. I want you to have a clear head now, before you reverse that decision. I want to know this is really what you are ready for. Not what seven years of pent-up frustration is driving you to do. We don't have to do anything more." She replied as evenly as she could, looking him straight in the eye so he could easily read her expression. "I don't know how to convince you that I want this, if how I'm reacting hasn't convinced you." "Think with your head, not with your body. Do you want it now? Does it have to be now? Are you really sure about that?" "Yes, Mulder. I am. I want you right now." She felt his grip on her arms tighten and his breathing stop. He lurched off the couch in one motion, pulling her with him. "Then let's go to the bedroom, where we can enjoy ourselves and not end up on the floor." He pushed her into the bedroom and stopped just short of pushing her down on the bed. She could tell in his eyes that he was trying to restrain himself with only marginal success. She smiled to herself as she drew him against her and kissed him again. When he put his arms around her and returned the kiss, she let go of his neck and unbuttoned her pants. Without breaking the kiss, he helped her slide them off. She was now in his arms wearing only panties. He looked down at her. "Jesus, you are beautiful," he whispered before lifting her onto the bed and covering her body with his own. He returned to sucking her breasts as his hands played over her thighs. When he brushed lightly against her inner thigh and up to the wet center between her legs for the first time, just that was nearly enough to send her over the edge. Feeling her reaction, he hungrily removed her panties and stroked her folds. She writhed under him. With a circular motion he caressed her clit and she moaned. He entered her with one finger and then with two, his thumb still caressing her clit. He felt her muscles tighten around him and she moaned his name as she came. His mouth descended on hers again as her body relaxed. Suddenly she realized he was still wearing his jeans. She reached down and unbuckled his belt. Together they pushed his jeans off and Scully grasped his length. He closed his eyes but Scully could still see his struggle for control. As she stroked his member, she pushed him over so she was on top. When she saw he was close, she straddled him. His eyes flew open. Hands on her hips, he stopped her again. "Are you sure about this?" his asked, voice raspy. She answered by sliding down on him. He groaned out loud at the unexpected sensation. It had been a long time since Scully had been with a man. She was tight and incredibly hot and wet. Mulder thought he would die. She felt him stretch her, closing her eyes and enjoying the feeling caused as he gently thrust upward to push into her further. When he was fully inside her, she began to ride him, slowly at first. He put his hands on her hips to quicken the pace and his thumb again played over her tender clit. Neither of them lasted very long and when they both relaxed again, Scully collapsed on top of him, enjoying the way his hands felt, softly caressing her back. After a few moments, he pushed her off him gently. They both moaned at the sudden separation until he rolled on top of her, possessively. He kissed her again. "Jesus, Scully. I love you," he whispered over and over, trailing kisses across her cheeks and neck. "I love you too, Mulder," she whispered back, hands in his hair. She pulled his face to hers and kissed him on the lips again. After a few seconds, she turned her head, laughing. He raised his eyebrows. "Have I entertained you somehow?" "Sorry, Mulder." She was still giggling. "We have to stop. I'm going to loose control again and I don't think either one of us can handle that again." "We could try," his tone was leering but only half-joking. She poked him gently in the stomach in response and he grimaced. "That was definitely too much strain on you. You'll be lucky if you can get out of bed tomorrow." "The only reason I would be unable to get out of bed tomorrow is if you are still in it with me." He drew her closer and held her. "Stay here tonight, Scully. I need to wake up with you in my arms." She hugged him closer still and nodded against his chest. **** Scully awoke to sunlight streaming in the window, starving, and with something heavy draped across her waist. Mulder's arm, Mulder's bed. She looked at him still asleep and was awed by how much she loved this man. He stirred slightly at her movement and she felt him pull her closer to him. In response, she kissed his ear. Sleepily he opened his eyes. She watched, amused, as they widened in response to her presence and then closed as he leaned over to kiss her. "You're not a dream," he said pulling back slightly. She shook her head, smiling. "Thank God." He relaxed again. As soon as he did, reality seemed to flood over him and he tried to sit up. Too quickly for his sore abs, "Oh my God," he whispered flinching. She laughed. "I told you that you would be sore in the morning." "I did a little more than just jog, as I recall. How late are we for work?" Panic spread across her face for a moment and then she laughed again, "Mulder, yesterday was Friday. We don't have to work today unless you're determined to kill yourself." It was his turn to laugh. "Well, if I am going to kill myself, I can think of much more satisfying ways to do it other than work," he said rolling on top of her. She smiled at him with an expression he definitely wanted to see over and over again. "Scully, I love you. I can't even begin to express how I feel this morning." She nodded. Closing her eyes and pulling him down to kiss him, she whispered, "You don't have to. I completely understand," before their lips met again. She stifled a groan when he pulled away from her and got out of bed. "What are you doing?" He smirked, "I'm going to get us some breakfast. I'm starving and your stomach is growling. Get a shower. I'll be right back." She didn't let go of his hand. "What?" "Let's both get a shower and then worry about breakfast," her expression was shy but mischievous. She watched as his smirk widened into a silly grin. He couldn't believe he was understanding her. This was definitely a side of his proper partner he had never seen. 'I like it,' he thought to himself, pulling her off the bed and into the bathroom. When he leaned over to turn on the water she saw him wince in pain as he straightened. She came to her senses. "Mulder, this is a bad idea. I don't want to do anything to encourage you to hurt yourself." He turned and looked purposefully up and down her body--they were still naked from the night before. He watched her blush as she realized her state of undress and smiled again. 'I haven't smiled this much since I was a child,' he thought and added out loud in a soft voice, "Too late." He reached out and pulled her toward him, hands on her hips. When she was pressed against him, he smoothed his hands up her body. Still looking at her lustfully, he pushed her back into the shower. "I waited seven years for you. You chose last night to put an end to the waiting. Well, now you've got to deal with seven years of fantasies, Scully, one of them involving a shower." She laughed, "Mulder, knowing you as I do, I'm almost afraid to learn the details of seven years of fantasies born in your mind." "Mmm, yes," he whispered inches from her lips, "we've already established what a dirty mind I have." His lips descended on hers. She closed her eyes as the water washed over her. She was pretty sure the water was not the only reason she felt hot. He pushed her hair back and kissed her again. The sensation of the water and his hands was sensory overload. She fell back against the shower wall and he followed her, pressing against her. She could feel his erection pressing hard into her stomach as his hands ran over her breasts and legs, slick with water. Before she knew what was happening, he lifted her up effortlessly and slid into her. Not anticipating his quickness, she moaned at the unexpected invasion. "Are you alright?" he whispered. "Yes," her voice cracked, betrayed her. He dropped his hands from where they held her up under her thighs and moved to step back. He expected her to stay against the wall. Instead she wrapped her legs around his hips and her arms around his neck. "I'm fine, you surprised me. That's all." "Scully, I don't want to push it...." "I do," she followed a trail of water from his collar bone and up his neck with her tongue and ended sucking his ear lobe. He began to thrust into her slowly at first and then quickened his pace. He came quickly, shuddering and moaning her name. He let go of her legs and she slid off him. He leaned down and kissed her. She was surprised when his kisses trailed down to her breasts. He knelt on the shower floor, pulled her against him hard with one arm around her waist and pressed his lips to her breasts. His other hand ran up her calves, over the back of her thighs, and between her legs. She squirmed. "Mulder..." "Shhh..." He ran his fingers softly over her clit before rhythmically stroking her with his thumb. She moaned his name again. His hands slid to her thighs and parted her legs. She tensed when his lips slid down her body to her thighs. "Mulder..." her tone was demanding, warning. "I told you to be still." He held her thighs apart firmly with his hands and moved his tongue over her clit. She jerked but he held her fast. "Jesus, Mulder..." He continued his ministrations, his tongue flicking gently over her swollen clit. When he began to softly suckle her, she could no longer control herself. Writhing against him, head back, she moaned. He entered her with his fingers. She came hard, keeping balance by holding on to the towel rack. When her body relaxed, he slid back up her body, kissing her. She pulled him up and kissed him on the lips, tasting herself on him. She was shaking. "Are you alright?" he whispered. She nodded against his chest. "Scully, look at me." Reluctantly, she did. "Are you alright? Tell me the truth." "I am. I'm a little... I just...I've never done anything like this. I never done this." He reached past her and turned off the water. He stepped out of the shower. "Come here," he said softly, drawing her from the shower and wrapping her in a towel. Pushing the hair from her face again, he kissed her lightly. "I love you, Scully. I don't want to push you. Or make you do something you don't want to do." She smiled and whispered, "Mulder you couldn't make me do anything. I have a pretty strong personality." "I know that, Scully, but..." She shook her head. "I'm fine. I'm just a little surprised with myself. At how much I enjoyed that." "I meant for you to enjoy it, Scully." She turned away from him blushing and struggling not to giggle. "For God's sake, Scully. Laugh it you feel like it. Please, show me how you're feeling." Despite herself, she did giggle. As soon as she did, she bit her lips and straightened up. "Mulder, I am a medical doctor and I am 35 years old. I am not going to giggle like a teenager caught in the backseat of her boyfriend's car." "Scully, I know you understand human reproduction better than I do, but show me the chapter in your medical texts on making love in a shower or oral sex." She blushed again. "I might learn something. I'll at least enjoy looking at the pictures." "Mulder...." "Scully, you're a doctor. I'm a psychologist. It's natural to feel a little uncomfortable doing something this intimate with someone who for seven years has been a good friend. If we're open about how we feel, this will be easier. The only thing I've ever wanted from you is that you open up to me. You do it so infrequently. I'm demanding that now. Or we can't do this. It won't work." She looked at him, shock and fear in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Scully. I mean that. I can have any woman's body. I want your soul. I won't settle for less. You ought to know me well enough to know that." She stared at him, mouth agape. He didn't flinch or take his eyes off her. "Mulder," she stammered, voice barely a whisper, "I don't know what you want..." she didn't know how to finish her statement. "I only want you to tell me how you feel, honestly. To show me. When we're at work, I know you won't. I accepted that you need people to believe you're unbreakable a long time ago. But privately, when we're making love for God's sake, I want to know how you feel. If you want to giggle like a school girl," he laughed, "do you have any idea how thrilled I'd be to see that? If this scared you," he said pointing to the shower, "I need to know that. I need to know how you're feeling. I need to believe you can trust me that much." "Trust you? Do you recall what we just did? You think that requires no trust at all? I can't believe you are bringing up trust. I trust you." "Then why won't you show me how you feel?" "I told you I love you. I think I showed you that too." His voice softened, "God, Scully. I know that. I didn't mean to imply....but I want you to be comfortable enough to giggle or cry or anything else you feel. Do you understand that at all?" She turned from him and he thought his heart would break. "Please, Scully..." She held up her hand and shook her head. "I do understand it," she whispered. "I know exactly what you mean. It is hard for me. I am not good at sharing emotionally, Mulder. We didn't do that much in my family. I'm...I'll try, Mulder. But don't expect overnight results." She turned and looked at him. He nodded. "Will you let me hold you?" he asked softly. "Of course," she whispered, practically throwing herself in his arms. "Scully, I love you. I didn't mean to push you or move too fast." "You didn't, Mulder. I told you that. I was the one who suggested...." her eyes wandered to the shower and she blushed again. "Was making love in the shower what you had in mind when you did?" "Honestly, I don't know. I suppose so." He smiled down at her, "So, is that too sexually deviant for you, Dr. Scully?" His tone was only half-joking. She laughed at that. "No Mulder. It's not. You're not going to let me live that comment down, are you?" "Nope," he answered with a smart-ass tone. "So it's not too deviant for you, but you've never done it before either?" She looked at him challengingly, "Do you want a report on my previous sexual experience, Mulder?" He shrugged. "Sure, Scully, that would probably be pretty interesting." She punched him in the arm. Hard. "Not nearly as interesting as yours, I'm sure," she exclaimed indignantly. He stared at her. "Mulder there is no way I'm describing my love life to you. And believe me, I'm afraid to hear about yours." "I assure you, Scully. You know all about mine. I've been with four women including you." "Bullshit!" she blurted out without thinking. He raised his eyebrows. "You don't believe me?" She looked at him askance, "Ok, Mulder. Let's look at this." She counted on her fingers, "Me, Phoebe, Diana, Bambi..." "I did not sleep with Bambi," he laughed. She looked at him doubtfully. "I didn't!" "Ok," she granted him, "Detective White then...." "I did not sleep with Detective White..." "Mulder I saw you in the bed with her...." "Fully clothed! I didn't sleep with her." "Alright, Mulder. Who was the fourth woman?" "Her name was Kristen." Scully looked as if she was trying to remember the name. Mulder helped her, "Did you ever see the case I investigated right before you were found after your abduction?" He saw recognition pop into her eyes before they flew open wide. "The vampire one?! You slept with a suspect?! A woman who's boyfriend was killing her lovers...? Why on Earth would you do that?" "Don't ask, Scully. I don't really like to think about it. I fucked her. Straight forward and simple. And pretended it was you. Wished it was." Her eyes were even wider. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." "Mulder...." she took his hand. "Why would you do that? Answer me." "You had been missing for three months. I was desperate, Scully, miserable. That's all I'm going to say." "Ok," he saw her smirk return. "And you're going to stick to your story that you've slept with four women?" "It's true," her expression didn't change. "Do you think I'm a slut, Scully?" She burst out laughing at that. "Ok, Mulder. I believe you...four women." He laughed too. "So what's your story?" he asked trying to control himself. He knew she'd be furious at the question but he couldn't resist. "You don't seriously expect me to answer that?!" He raised his eyebrows. "I won't answer that, Mulder." "That many, huh?" She punched him even harder this time. "I will not answer that, Mulder." He remained silent, staring at her evenly. "You know I lived with Jack. Use your imagination." She stalked out of the bathroom. He followed her. The mischievous expression returned and he snatched her clothes off the floor before she could pick them up herself. "Give me my clothes, Mulder." He smiled. "Give me an answer." "Fine, I'll wear your clothes." She walked to the dresser and took out a T-shirt. "I'll like that thin white T-shirt without a bra a lot, Scully. So will every other man that sees you." He thought about that for a minute. "Ok, here are your clothes." They laughed again. "Mulder, why do you want to know this?" she asked as she dressed and he rummaged for clothes as well. He shrugged, trying to feign indifference, "I know so little about you before you joined the Bureau...." She looked at him seriously. She knew how that felt...how it felt to hear about Diana, for example. She spoke quietly, "I lived with Jack. I'm sure you need no more explanation there. Before that I was in medical school. I didn't have time for relationships. In college I went out with a few men. I was serious with one of them and I slept with him. His name was Collins Anderson. I went out with him Sophomore year. He was the first guy I slept with." Mulder was obviously trying not to appear outwardly surprised. "So, what you're saying is that you've slept with three men in your entire life?" He only marginally kept the incredulity out of his voice. "Why is that so hard to believe?" "Because you are phenomenally gorgeous?" he asked leeringly. That was not the response she expected. She looked embarrassed. Blushing she replied, "I was a serious student, Mulder. And I was a good Catholic girl. I've never took this sort of thing lightly." She looked up at him but found she couldn't meet his eyes. She knew he was staring at her with that look. Searching around the room for a distraction, her eyes fell on the bathroom door. She blushed again. He laughed and tilted her face up with a hand under her chin. "And I never did anything that could be remotely considered kinky," she added by way of explanation for the blush. He tried to stifle a grin, "So, define kinky, Scully." "Mulder, you already got more out of this than you had any right to expect." "What do you consider kinky, Scully?" he repeated still smirking. "Mulder, you'll have to figure that out for yourself. That's the end of this discussion. Let's get breakfast." She walked out of the bedroom and towards the door. He opened it for her, "Just remember, Scully," he whispered with a dramatic warning tone, "if you won't tell me, I'll have to investigate." She smiled, "Yeah, Mulder. I have complete faith in the thoroughness of your investigative skills." **** MULDER'S APARTMENT As Mulder got ready for work Monday morning he found it impossible to tear his thoughts away from the events of that weekend. The primary reason for his distraction was in his shower getting ready for work herself. Scully fell asleep in his arms watching television Sunday night. He didn't have the heart to awaken her--she looked incredibly peaceful. Besides, he had come to thoroughly enjoy the way she felt in his arms. He always knew she was his whole world. Now he actually understood what that meant. Scully felt slightly self-conscious arriving with Mulder to the office that morning. She knew it was ridiculous, but she couldn't help but think that everyone knew exactly why they were arriving together. She tried not to openly cringe when Ryan and Skinner were walking away from their door when they got off the elevator. "Good morning, Agents. Nice of you to join us this morning," Skinner greeted them dryly. Mulder looked at his watch. "Five minutes late and you're already that angry. You must have something important," Mulder quipped as he unlocked the door and invited them to proceed them into the office. Skinner tossed a file on the desk. When Mulder went to open it, Skinner stopped him and looked at Scully. Eyes on her boss, she reached for the file. Crime scene photos...gruesome. She flipped through them and then studied the autopsy results. "No cause of death determined?" She looked back up at Skinner handing the files to Mulder. "I can tell you the cause of death from nothing else but the pictures--given the knife left protruding from the chests of each victim...." "Wrong. Knife wounds didn't bleed beyond the blood that seeped through them from the heart. The victims were dead before they were knifed. But there are no other life threatening injuries or puncture wounds and the toxicology came back negative. There are also no prints or DNA on the bodies or the knife. Mulder have a look at the design of the knife. Anything strike you about it?" "Not off hand. Should it?" "No, we were just hoping, that's all," Ryan replied. "Your case?" Mulder asked, still flipping through the file. Skinner replied for Ryan, "Yours now." Both Mulder and Scully looked at him. "This is now officially an X File. Scully, there are three bodies in the lab awaiting a second autopsy. Find something the first one missed. Mulder, you and Ryan are going to interview the victims' relatives and acquaintances again. Get a new perspective, Mulder. I don't want a fourth victim, agents. Clear?" "Yes, sir," Scully responded quietly. Skinner stalked away. Mulder followed him with his eyes. "What's eating him up?" Mulder asked no one in particular. "The third victim was his ex wife's cousin. He's got her crying in his office right now. I don't think an interview with her would be especially productive at the moment, Mulder. Perhaps we should start with the original victim." "Let me get this clear," Scully interrupted. "This started out your case. Skinner wants us to consult on it...or what?" "No, Dana. I suggested it be classified as an X File after the second victim was found and we were no closer to a cause of death. Walter wanted to give it to you out right. I asked him to let me continue working it with you. No offense, Dana, but autopsy evidence isn't going to cut it here. There just isn't anything. A good profile is what's going to solve this one. And there's clearly something out of the ordinary here. So I think Mulder and I are going to be an ideal team. We're both good profilers and with his experience..." Scully and Mulder were both looking at him with concerned expressions. "Look, Dana. I've told you before. I don't care who solves the cases as long as they get solved. I'm fine. We're all professionals here, right?" "Of course. See you later, Scully. Have you set up interviews or should we call these people? How do you want to arrange this?" Mulder asked, focusing on Ryan. "Well the mother and sister of the first victim don't work. It won't be hard to find them at home..." Ryan began briefing Mulder as they walked back toward the garage. Scully watched them depart before turning to go to the lab. When she caught up with them at dinnertime, in Mulder's office with Chinese boxes spread out everywhere, they were arguing heatedly. "Mulder, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life!" Ryan ranted, pounding the desk for emphasis. Mulder replied with equal vigor, "Those knives come from the Hatusi tribe in Africa and this is a ritualistic killing associated with...." "Mulder! None of the victims are black! None of the victims are black! Do you hear me? Can you see? How can these people be killed for reasons related to African tribal heritage if none of them are black?" "They could be descendants of slaves...." "Does Skinner's wife look like a black woman to you? Did any of the people we interviewed look black to you? Do any of the victims look black to you?" Scully cleared her throat. They both turned to her. "Well, I'm glad to see you two professionals are working so well together. I found nothing in the lab. I think I got the gist of your theory here Mulder. I'll see if I can run a genealogy on any of the victims back far enough to find any connection while you two continue your professional discussion." She seized a Chinese dinner and sat at Mulder's computer. "If this is what you deal with everyday, Dana, I am amazed you did it for seven years," Ryan exclaimed exasperated. She looked over at him. "I'll bet you dinner at a nice restaurant that every one of these victims can be proven to have African ancestry," she said calmly. "Oh, you probably can. It's just weird enough. I would have never thought of it in a million years either. No one would have. So, Spooky, how do we predict who's next with this profile? How do we catch the killer?" Scully turned fully from the desk at this, hands flat on the surface of the desk, eyes hard and cold as steel. She looked poised to strike. Mulder caught the movement from the corner of his eye and looked at her. He shook his head slightly and she stared at him in amazement as he launched calmly into an answer. Skinner was as dubious of Mulder's profile as Ryan was when he stopped by the office for an update, but before he finished arguing, Scully's computer genealogy search produced results. It didn't locate the killer but it did provide motive...albeit a strange one. "And you got this idea from the design of the knife, Mulder? I thought you didn't recognize it," Skinner was asking, now also picking at the long cold Chinese. "I didn't at first. Something Ryan said made me think of it." He looked at Ryan, "That comment about the primitive nature of the carvings." Ryan nodded, remembering it. "That made me remember this carving I saw in a museum in London when I was going to Oxford." He smirked at Scully, "Phoebe and I went." She made a face at him, still working at the computer. "They were similar." "How can you remember such a trivial detail?" Ryan exclaimed. Scully laughed. "He can recite the contents of the filing cabinets behind you, Andy. Word for word. It's infuriating. Don't go there." "The question is, where do we go from here?" Skinner asked, focusing them again. "The genealogy is the key here. Let Scully finish her computer search. Get the research people on it. I bet we get big results from it. These people are all related. We just have to figure out how." "And that's not going to happen tonight," Ryan said yawning for the hundredth time. "Those of us who were on time this morning need some sleep. See you guys in the morning. Hey, don't forget...at 8:00am we have an appointment to talk to Mr. Hutchinson. Be on time, Spooky," he admonished, pointing his finger at Mulder and walking out of the office. Skinner tensed. Scully did as well, but to Skinner's amazement, she neither said nor did anything. "I'll meet you there," Mulder merely shouted after him. When no one said anything, Skinner couldn't stand it. "Spooky?" one raised eyebrow. Nothing else. Mulder sighed. "For reasons I positively refuse to discuss with you, sir, Ryan is angry with me. But he's being very cool about it. If he wants to let it out a little by calling me Spooky, I can accept that." Skinner nodded, appraising him coolly. "Ok," he allowed. "That's your story. How about yours Agent Scully? I seem to recall your most recent suspension was earned when you knocked Agent Patino out cold for using that very same nickname." "If Mulder wants to put up with that, who am I to interfere, sir?" "Right," Skinner said softly. "Whatever. Just solve the case." He left. Scully looked up from the computer. "How bad was it?" was her only comment. "Not so bad. He really is being cool about it. I'll drive you home," he said evasively as he handed her coat to her. Scully decided not to push it. **** The next day Mulder met Ryan at Hutchinson's home. After the interview, he went to do some research while Ryan returned to the office where he and Scully went over the autopsy results. They were still talking when Mulder returned to the office. But it didn't appear they were still discussing business. Mulder paused in the hall. "Andy, really, I've tried to be patient, but this conversation is over. This is neither the time nor the place for it." "What is that supposed to mean?" "We are supposed to be working on this case, not personal issues." "You just don't want to discuss this. You're avoiding it." "Ok, fine. I am avoiding it. But that's irrelevant." "Why?" "I told you. There is nothing to discuss that we didn't discuss last week. Nothing has changed." "Dana, please. You can't ignore months of...." "I am not ignoring anything, except your behavior at the moment. And that's a courtesy that won't last much longer. I enjoyed going out with you. I told you that. I also told you, last week and before we started dating, that I was interested in a relationship with Mulder. I never thought that was possible and now that it is, I am not passing up on the opportunity. I'm sorry that hurts you, but I never did anything to deceive you..." "I am not giving up this easily, Dana. I love you." "Well, Andy, what do you intend to do? Stalk me?" "I intend to continue pursuing this, however I can." "Andy, you can spend your time however you wish. But I'm not giving you any false hopes. I am very happy with Mulder." "We'll see. We'll see how long it lasts. He doesn't strike me as the type who can commit, Dana." "Mulder and I have been committed to one another for seven years, Andy." "And how often does he ditch you? Still." There was a pause. "Honestly, Dana. When was the last time he ditched you? We both know the answer to that. Why did he do it? To protect you or because he didn't trust you? Diana's dead. Who else is in his past?" "That's enough, Andy! I'm sorry you're hurt. I can't help that. You told me you still wanted my friendship. This is no way to keep it. I'm going back to the basement. Call me when Mulder comes back. And be in a frame of mind to work. Nothing else." With that, Scully turned on her heel and fled the office so fast she didn't see Mulder in the hallway. She took the stairs to the basement. Mulder paused trying to decide what to do. There was no question he wasn't going to speak to Ryan. He couldn't do that without a scene he'd rather not carry out in the Hoover Building. He wasn't sure he wanted to face Scully at the moment either. In the end, he decided he'd better, so he headed to the basement. When he came off the elevator, Scully, coat in hand, was heading for the garage. They nearly collided as she fished for her keys rather than looked where she was going. "Whoa, Scully. It's only three. Where are you off to?" "I'm done for the day. Call me when you leave," she said harshly. "Scully, let's talk about it, please." "What are you talking about?" "Ryan." This caught her off guard. "What about him?" "I just came from upstairs..." "What in God's name did he tell you happened?" "I didn't speak to him. I heard part of your conversation. I heard what he said about Diana." She looked at him, wordlessly, and then found she couldn't meet his eyes. "Scully, I know the whole thing with Diana hurt you. She obviously worked for them. But in the end, she didn't betray me. We were both right about her. But no matter, it was you I loved then and you I love now. Dead or alive, Diana could never change that. And neither could any other woman, even if there were any more in my past. There aren't." "Mulder, I know that. And Diana is the past..." "What he said obviously upset you..." "That he said anything is what upset me. Especially about...that subject. I shouldn't have mentioned it to him. I'm sorry," she still wasn't looking at him. "Why did you?" She sighed and answered very quietly, "It was part of a conversation about...well, he was asking me about our relationship...yours and mine...somehow she...well, honestly I did tell him that I thought you still...." she stumbled to a halt. "You believed I still loved her. That's why you believed I trusted her more than you." Scully nodded. "What did you think I was doing when I left you at the Gunmen's that night?" Scully knew exactly what he meant. "Mulder, it's ancient history." "Tell me, Scully." Silence. "Did you think I went to be with her? That I just left you?" "Ok, Mulder, what did you do?" "Is that still what you think?" he asked incredulously. She just looked at him evenly. "Scully, I went to her apartment to search it. To look for evidence of what you said. To look for evidence that she worked for the Consortium. I think CGB Spender walking in with his own key is pretty good evidence." "Then why were you ready to go off with her to the warehouse?" "Because I thought the colonization had begun. I thought it was too late. And I wasn't going with just her. I called you. Scully, you don't honestly think I would have left you?" "I wouldn't have gone with you. I would have done everything I could to talk you out of it. I can't believe you would even consider it. She must have done one hell of a number on you if you were going to join them." "Scully, colonization was about to begin...." "So stay and fight. I thought that's what you learned when you were under the influence of that alien material." "It was, Scully. You made me realize that." They were silent again. "So you believe I betrayed our work in addition to betraying you. God, Scully, I never realized that night hurt you that badly." "It's over, Mulder," she said tiredly. "Is it, Scully? Ryan must have hit pretty close to the mark to get you to fly out of his office like that. You didn't even try to refute what he said." "Because in my mind, Mulder, there's no way to refute what he said. Everything that happened that night was wrong. But that was then. This is now. I wanted a relationship with you for years. I'm not throwing it away for something that happened in the past." "Why did you run from that conversation with Ryan?" "I didn't. I had that conversation for almost an hour. I was sick of it and it was going no where. So I left. Can we please not have old relationships get in the way of current ones? I'm sorry you had to hear that. It's over. Andy and I are over. I love you. That's all we need to know. Ok?" He nodded. "Any progress from your research?" "Some. To tell you the truth, I don't see what else we can contribute. I was going to recommend to Skinner that he hand this back to Ryan." "Don't. I don't want to give Andy or Skinner the impression I can't work with Andy. Let's finish this out. Let's just do it fast." She looked at him sidelong, "But you do something about him calling you Spooky or I will." Mulder smiled, "Got it." **** Scully and Mulder continued to work with Ryan although the atmosphere was considerably cooler. Despite the profile, they were not any closer to tracking down the killer. They had just finished interviewing Skinner's wife's family. Skinner had been present for the interview and ended up with his ex wife crying in his arms again. "That must have been extremely tough on Skinner," Mulder commented solemnly as they left the interview. Scully nodded, "His divorce was very difficult on him, as I remember. I'm sure it's difficult for him to deal with this." "All the more reason to wrap this up quickly. Being around his ex wife is tearing him up." Ryan had been staring piercingly at Mulder since he breached the topic. Mulder stared back at him, "Skinner is your friend. Surely you agree." "Completely. I just find your empathy with Walter's situation very interesting. You seem to thoroughly understand how uncomfortable it can be to be thrown together unexpectedly with an ex spouse." Mulder stopped walking and looked at Ryan incredulously, eyes wide. Scully and Ryan stopped as well, Ryan with a knowing expression and Scully confused. "But then I guess you do have experience in that area," Ryan finished with a smug tone. Scully looked between the two men. "Andy, what are you talking about? Mulder's never been married." Mulder looked at Ryan, his expression betraying his anger and anxiety. Ryan looked victorious. "Ryan, please...." Mulder said softly, looking at the floor. Scully's brows furrowed. Her expression demanded an explanation. Ryan was all too happy to provide one. "Dana, surely Mulder had mentioned to you at some point that Diana Fowley was his ex wife." Scully's jaw dropped. She stared at Mulder who in turn closed his eyes, partially turned from them. She looked back at Ryan. His triumphant, vengeful expression made her gag. Without a word, she quickly continued down the hall and disappeared into the stairwell. Mulder spoke softly, without opening his eyes. "What I did, when I kissed her, was unintentional and unplanned. What you just did took research and was conceived to not just split us up, but destroy our friendship and partnership. You knew that potential was there and you did it anyway." He looked at Ryan. "The only consolation I can find in this is that she won't forgive you for such an action any more than she'll forgive me for not telling her this." Mulder walked away. An hour later, Mulder knocked on Scully's door. No answer. Scully heard the key in the lock. "If that door opens, someone is going to die, Mulder." She looked over and he was standing in the entry hall. She arose from the couch. "Get out." "Scully, I am begging you to talk to me about this." "Talk! What in the hell do you want to talk about now?" He looked at her in silence. Her expression was cold as ice. "How could you not tell me that you were married to her?" "Scully...." he whispered. "Mulder, answer that question and get out. I will never forgive you for this. I just want to know why. You owe me that much--an explanation." "I didn't tell you or anyone else because it was the most painful experience of my life. Worse than Samantha. Sam was taken. She had no choice. Diana made a choice. She left knowing that it would kill me. I don't talk about it. I can't." She stared at him. "I want details." He turned away from her and Scully thought he would leave. Instead, he spoke quietly, voice rough. "I met her through work. We were a lot alike. I don't meet a lot of people like me. We hit it off. We dated a few months and I asked her to marry me. We were married quickly. I loved her, Scully. I loved her. We were married less than a year when she left me. I came home and she was gone. Not a word. I was destroyed. It couldn't have been designed purposefully to do more damage. I divorced her." He shook his head. After a few minutes of silence, he turned around and faced her, tears on his cheeks. "Not telling you had nothing to do with trust or anything else between us. I don't acknowledge that it happened. Period. In my mind, it didn't." She still said nothing. "Scully, please say something." "That's the explanation. Now get out." "Scully, please..." "Get out." He looked at her pleadingly. "If you follow me, I'll shoot you. If I don't hear that door, I'll call the police." She walked without another word to the bedroom. The apartment door opened and closed quietly moments later. The next morning, Mulder was at his desk when Skinner and Ryan entered his office. Mulder looked briefly at Ryan and then back down at the desk. Skinner looked annoyed. "Where is Agent Scully?" Mulder's voice was small, "I don't know. She didn't call you?" "Should she have?" came Skinner's impatient reply. "I expected she would. I don't think she'll be in today." "Why not?" Skinner demanded. "She received some disturbing news last night," he looked down. "I would expect her to ask for a transfer soon, to tell you the truth." Skinner's expression changed to one of disbelief. "What the hell did you do to her?" Skinner asked angrily. "I lied to her. A lie of omission, but a lie just the same." Skinner looked at Mulder with an expression that ran from anger to pity. "Mulder, you're an idiot. Go fix it." "I tried. She won't speak to me. I can't fix this." He was silent for a few moments. "What did you and Ryan want." "We have a lead on the murder case. I wanted you three to go check it out. I guess it's just you and Ryan." Mulder closed his eyes again and took a deep breath. "Right," he said, standing. "Let's go." "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Ryan asked nervously. Mulder gave him a hard look. "You're a coward, Ryan, coming down here hiding behind Skinner. And an unbelievable bastard for what you said yesterday. But people's lives are at stake. Are we going to work or not?" Ryan's expression hardened as well. "Fine. Let's go." **** Scully entered the hospital at a run. She saw Skinner and Ryan in the ER waiting room. "How is he?" she asked tensely. "He's ok. Head injury. It bled a lot but was superficial. You know the drill," Skinner answered dryly. "How'd it happen?" "We got a lead on our killer and went to follow it up. We got him, but not before he got some blows in first," Ryan answered. "Just like Mulder to run off without backup..." Scully commented irritated. "He had back up," Ryan interrupted. "I was with him," he said in explanation at her confused expression. Scully stared at him. "You're kidding?" He shook his head, "So?" "Whatever," she turned back to Skinner. "I want to see him. Where is he?" She followed Skinner to a curtained-off area in the ER. Skinner pulled back the curtain. Mulder was lying on a stretcher, head bandaged and eyes closed. He didn't react to their presence. Scully assumed he was asleep...or drugged. He always has been over-sensitive to painkillers. "What did they give him?" she asked, picking up the chart. "He really shouldn't have morphine-based...." She trailed off when she looked up and saw him looking at her. Skinner nodded at her and left, closing the curtain behind him. She turned fully to Mulder. "How are you feeling," she asked softly, finishing with his chart and leaning closer to inspect the bandages. "What are you doing here?" he asked quietly. "The hospital called me. I'm listed as your next-of-kin, remember. You were unconscious and they needed someone here to give consent for treatment beyond stabilizing you. Fortunately you're not seriously enough injured to warrant that. What happened, Mulder?" Silence. "Skinner told me that you and Andy got the killer." "Yeah," Mulder closed his eyes again. "Are you in pain, Mulder?" she asked, looking at his head again. "Not physically," he responded. "I can't help the other pain, Mulder. You did that yourself. You should have told me." "I can't do this now, Scully. I don't want to fight with you." "I'm not going to fight with you , Mulder. I'll go find the doctor and we'll see if I can get them to release you." "He said they were going to admit me overnight," Mulder said quietly. "This doesn't look too bad. I can probably talk them out of that, Mulder," she said speaking to him as she always did when he was hurt...like a child. She moved to find the doctor. He grabbed her wrist. "No." "What?" "No, just let them admit me." Her expression required an explanation. "I'm really dizzy. I can't be at home alone. And don't say you'll call the Gunmen. I can't take that. I can't take hearing you say you won't stay." He was silent a moment. "...and I'm not sure I can be there with you either. Even if you'd stay, which I doubt. I just can't handle any of this right now. Just let them admit me. It's easier." "Mulder...." "Scully, you made your intentions clear. You won't speak to me. You didn't come in. I know you will transfer. Look, Scully, I can barely deal with this when I feel well. I can't deal with it now. This couldn't have hit me harder if Ryan had planned it... been setting us up all along. Please, I appreciate you came. It was very...noble. Now please, just leave me alone." She looked at him hard with a suddenly thoughtful expression. "Ok, Mulder. If that's what you want. Just rest. If it gets to be too much...if you change your mind and want out of here, don't hesitate to call me. Ok?" "Right." "Promise me," she demanded. He opened his eyes and looked at her. "Promise," he whispered. "Ok, I'm going to go look into something. I'll check on you in the morning." She watched him for a moment. "Mulder?" "Hmm?" "I'm extremely angry with you. Extremely hurt. I won't deny that. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be there for you. Call me if you need to." She left without giving him a chance to reply. Mulder was released from the hospital the next morning. That afternoon, as he was lying on his couch watching television, he was annoyed when the phone disturbed his catnap. He sure the hell didn't want to talk to anyone. The machine came on. "Mulder, I called the hospital, I know you've been released." It was Scully. Mulder sat up and looked at the machine, surprised. "Mulder, please pick it up. I have something to tell you...." He hesitated, not sure he wanted to hear whatever it was she had to say. "Mulder, you're scaring me. Pick it up if you're there so I'll know you're alright...." He did. "Sorry, Scully. I was asleep." It was a small lie. It couldn't hurt at this point. "How are you feeling?" "Fine, Scully. What did you want to tell me?" He was short. "Well, I'm at the Gunmen's. I want to show you something, actually. Can you drive? I'd like you to come over here." "Scully, unless it's rock-solid evidence of imminent invasion, I'm not really up to anything..." "It's related to the Consortium. And I really think it's something you'll want to see. I spent the entire night with the Gunmen looking into it. I can come pick you up..." "I'll be there in about an hour, Scully," he said tiredly and hung up. When he arrived at the Gunmen's, they were sitting at Frohike's computer apparently still scanning through data. He smiled mirthlessly at the boys and went to computer. "Ok, what's so important?" Scully looked at him apprehensively. "You're not going to like this," she said as a preamble. "Just tell me, Scully. My head really hurts." She bit her lip, nodding. "Ok," she said and tossed a file of printouts at him. He flipped through them. "So some agent named Putman has had a lot of contact with CGB Spender? Why should I care?" He said after a few minutes. Scully looked at him levelly. "Because Putman was Andrew Ryan's last supervisor," Scully replied, turning to a page in the file and pointing. Mulder looked at her and then at the Gunmen, nonplussed, brow furrowed. He shook his head. "What exactly are you suggesting, Scully?" She sighed and launched into her explanation. "You said last night that everything that's happened couldn't have hurt you more if someone set out to do just that...." "Those were the paranoid ramblings of Fox Mulder while injured, Scully..." "Yeah, maybe. But it started me thinking. I looked into your background when I was assigned to you Mulder. I did what I thought was a pretty thorough job, motivated by the fact that I had been assigned to you to debunk your work. I never saw any records of a divorce." "I buried it pretty well." "Exactly. How did Ryan find it if I couldn't? And he knows so much about you and me. He knew about Samantha. I'm sure that's in your psych profile but even I couldn't get that with my medical credentials. I tried. How did he get it? Or did he get that information somewhere else? And he knows trivial details about me...that I speak German for example. How could he know that? He said from my personnel file. I'm starting to doubt that. So I came over here. Byers told me you guys did a check on Ryan and it came back clean. So I asked them to run his associates." "Scully, you've been around me too much." "Tell me this isn't suspicious." "Oh, I think it's suspicious as hell. I just can't believe you think that." "I think he was planted to split us up. Because we're close--to each other and to the Truth. And because nothing else they've tried has been able to split us up." "Scully..." "But this was full-proof, Mulder. They paid attention to every detail. Have you looked at Ryan? He looks just like you. Same height, build, hair color, eye color. He acts just like you. He's intense, focused, single-minded, he has your values. Did you notice how he treated me? Exactly like you do down to the details--hand on my back, opening doors. They're not blind, Mulder. And they obviously studied us very carefully. They knew we're attracted to one another so they set me up with someone that looks and acts just like you but who was available. Perfect. Plan A. Get me involved with and distracted by someone else. Plan B. Drop a bomb they know will make me loose trust in you if plan A fails. Or, even if it works. Who cares. Same end result. We don't work together anymore. They break up the only team that is effective against them. They win." He looked at her. "You really believe that? You came to that conclusion by yourself?" "I just think this is very questionable, Mulder," she said pointing to the printouts. "Do you realize how crazy you would have thought me to be if I proposed this to you?" "You don't believe me." It was a statement. Delivered flatly. "No, Scully. I believe you. I just can't believe you believe you." "Well, I do." Mulder looked through the printouts more slowly. Several of them linked Spender to Putman and cases Ryan had been assigned. Mulder sighed and his head fell slowly to the table with a thud. Scully was immediately at his side. "Are you alright?" He lifted his head. Scully was shocked to see tears in his eyes. "No, Scully. I am not alright!" He replied vehemently. "Absolutely everything in my life has been controlled by them. Do you see that?! Samantha. My father. Diana. My sister, my father, and my wife. All their plans. They took everything from me. And now, this. The only thing I have left, the only thing that was every truly mine. The only thing that ever came into my life that wasn't controlled by them." "Are you referring to me?" she asked softly. He nodded. "But Mulder I was controlled by them when I came into your life. They assigned me to debunk your work." "We've done this before, Scully. You didn't debunk my work. You gave me a chance and ended up bringing focus to the X Files that I would have never achieved alone. But more importantly, you believed in me. In me. You are the only person in my life that has never tried to control me, change me, tell me I'm crazy or wasting my time. The only person that hasn't used me. You've always had people who loved you in your life. People you could trust. Family. I never have. Since Samantha disappeared, I have never felt that kind of security. You can't imagine, you can't possibly understand how important having you in my life has been to me. I can't go on without it again. I can't take this. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to." She knelt on the floor next to him and put her arms around him. He didn't respond. "Who in the hell am I to them?! Why do they do this?!" "I don't know, Mulder, " she whispered soothingly, still absorbing the significance of what he'd said. "But you're not alone. I'm here." He was lost in his pain. "I am so tired of being used. Of having false friends, false...." He stumbled to a halt and looked at her. She was looking at him, concern and grief in her eyes. Suddenly he realized that this situation with Ryan must hurt her a great deal more than he this time. She was the one directly affected by the Consortium's actions this time. He straightened up and pushed her away from him so he could see her face clearly. "I'm sorry. I didn't stop to think how this must have affected you." She looked down. "How are you handling this," he asked steadily. She laughed derisively, "Well, I felt pretty sick when we first found this. I guess I do have some idea how you've been made to feel. I can't believe Ryan and I.... I can't believe I...fell for that.... The idea that he touched me...." She closed her eyes, lips forming a hard line as she obviously struggled to control her emotions. "You missed my little temper tantrum. But I've got it under control now. Now all I'm going to do is kill him. That's scaled back from my original plans considerably." He smiled and put his hand on hers. "I know you've lost every bit as much as me over the years, Scully. More. I'm being selfish again. Sorry." He looked lost. "We've both lost a lot. The important thing is that we don't loose each other." He looked at her. She saw hope flicker in his eyes before he denied himself the emotion. Tears came to her eyes. "Mulder I really hate that you didn't tell me. It really hurts that you didn't. There were so many conversations where you could have...should have." She paused. "But I don't suppose I'll be telling all my friends about Andy," she finished softly. She sighed, "But Mulder I thought I was so much more than your co-worker or even your friend." "You are, Scully. You know that." "But you didn't tell me about her. You didn't tell me you had a past with her. I found that out from the Gunmen. You didn't tell me what was going on when you ran off with her. I am your partner. If you had something to investigate, you should have done it with me. Or least included me. You didn't, and you were insulting when I did contribute something to an investigation. And when all that was past, when I thought everything was out in the open and dealt with...at least to the extent that we deal with anything...I find out from Andy that she was your wife. Everything that involved Diana served to erode my faith in us...our partnership and our friendship." "I can't defend what I did. I can only say that I wanted two things where Diana was concerned. I wanted to deny that she had manipulated me. That hurt too much. And I wanted the X Files back." She nodded. "Mulder, all that's done. I'm sorry to say this in front of you but, I'm not the least bit sorry that woman is dead. I know that hurts you. But she is and so is her power to damage our relationship. I'm sorry I reacted as I did to Ryan's little bombshell. I'm especially sorry I did it in front of Ryan." He broke again, near tears he whispered, "You don't owe me an apology, Scully. I should have told you about Diana. I couldn't. I couldn't hear you say she married me and left me to control me because she was one of them. Hearing you say that would make it real. I'd have to believe I was so thoroughly manipulated. And I knew you'd say it." Her heart broke. She could certainly identify with the way he felt. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I don't want to see you hurt anymore by this. You're right. In the end, Diana saved you. And she did it knowing the price. If you'll accept my apology, I'd like to put Diana and Ryan behind us." She whispered this last sentence. Mulder stared at her. "To what end?" "What?" "To what end? I told you, you don't owe me an apology. So where do we stand? Will you come back to work? Can we try to rebuild that eroded faith? Can I hope to ever hear you tell me that you love me again? Scully, you are the only thing I need...want...." He stopped, not knowing what to say. She found she couldn't speak, so she leaned forward and kissed him. She expected him to pull her against him but instead he placed one hand on her face gently and kissed her softly. When the kiss ended, he leaned his forehead against hers, eyes closed. "I love you, Mulder," she whispered. "I don't want to loose you over this," her voice was small. His demeanor was so strange, it was scaring her. "I can't loose you, Scully. I can't," he whispered. He slowly drew her against him and held her. They stayed in that position until Scully's knees could take no more. She was still kneeling on the cement floor of the Gunman's lab. She pulled away from Mulder, groaning as she stood. He looked concerned again. "I'm alright, I'm just too old to kneel on cement floors," she quipped. "And you're too old to not rest after you're injured. I know I dragged you out here, but it's time to get you home. I'll drive. We'll get your car tomorrow." She pulled him from the chair, thanked the Gunmen for their help, picked up the files, and moved to leave. "What are you going to do about Ryan?" he asked as they got into her car. "What can I do? I'm going to make sure he knows I'm on to him. I'll show this to Skinner." Mulder looked at her. "He deserves to know. He trusts Ryan." "He won't believe you." "Maybe not, but I owe it to him to try." Mulder nodded and looked at her uneasily. "Scully, do you really mean to give us another chance here?" "Of course, Mulder. I would have even if I hadn't found this about Ryan. That Diana was your wife...that was a big one Mulder. I needed to be mad at you for a while. But I love you. I won't walk away from you. Surely you know that." He nodded, obviously still uncertain. "Will you do me a favor?" "Depends on what it is. I know about you and favors, Mulder. Last time you asked for one I went to prison for contempt of Congress." He didn't laugh. "Stay with me, tonight. Just stay, nothing else. I need you there. With me." "Of course I will, Mulder." She reached over and covered his hand with hers. **** CAUTION: This section contains descriptions of bondage, rape, and torture. Some descriptions are fairly graphic. Bail now if this disturbs you. You can skip this section and read section 8 without getting lost. The next day, Scully and Mulder presented their findings to Skinner. He obviously didn't believe them and defended Ryan heatedly. They left his apartment and Scully dropped Mulder at the Gunmen's to pick up his car, promising to meet him at his apartment for lunch. When she arrived, she found Mulder looking at a video. He quickly hid it when she walked in rather than knocking. "Sorry to startle you. I didn't want you to have to get up if you were resting," she said by way of explanation. "That's ok, Scully. You don't have to knock." She looked down to the pile of magazines where she saw him stash the video. "What was that?" she asked, apparently mildly interested. "Nothing," he replied. She reached down to fish it out. Mulder lurched forward to stop her hand. Too late. He watched her eyebrows rise as she silently turned the video box to face him. It was plainly one of those videos that Mulder didn't own. "What is this?" she asked quietly. His expression was extremely guilty. "Scully, I can explain that." He was having trouble meeting her eyes. "Feel free to do so." Her tone was flat. "I swear that's not mine..." "Mulder, please..." "....Frohike gave it to me as a joke when I picked up the car. They obviously heard our conversation. I haven't watched it..." "Yet." "...and I wasn't going to." He glanced up at her. She looked extremely dubious. "I have everything I need, Scully. I don't need Frohike's videos." "Frohike's?" she repeated suggestively. "If you don't believe me, call him and ask." "I'll pass on that conversation, thank you." She turned the skeptical expression back on him. "And you weren't going to watch it?" "I swear, Scully. I have absolutely no interest in it." "Right," she mouthed, silently, nodding and looking down her nose at the video box. "Well," she finally said out loud, "I never seen one of these things. Let's watch it." She strode over to the VCR. Mulder was speechless. He watched wordlessly as she popped the tape in the VCR and hit play. She walked back over to the couch and sat down next to Mulder. He stared at her. When the FBI copyright warning came up, Mulder snatched up the remote control and turned off the tape. Scully looked over at him calmly. "Scully, you do not want to watch this." "If you've never seen it, how would you know?" "Because Frohike told me about it when he gave it to me. Because from what he said this video goes way beyond kinky." She raised her eyebrows again and stole the remote from his hand. "Well, all the more reason to watch it. Maybe I'll learn something." She turned the VCR back on. He dove for the remote and turned the VCR off. "Scully, there is no way I'm watching an X-rated video with you. Certainly not this one." She looked sincerely amazed by that. "Why on Earth not?" "You're just not the type of woman...." he knew from her expression that he was in trouble. "And what type of woman do you watch X-rated videos with, Mulder. And for that matter, precisely what type of woman am I?" "I don't know," Mulder stuttered. "I've never watched an X-rated movie with any one...." "Well at least you're admitting you watch them. Sounds frustrating to watch them alone," she said pointedly. He actually blushed at that. Scully smirked. "But you didn't answer me, Mulder. What type of woman am I." "Scully...." "What type?" "The respectable type..." "So only unrespectable people watch X-rated videos. Well now we're getting somewhere," she teased. "How many of these things do you own, Mulder?" She could hardly control her laughter. Mulder folded his arms over his chest, ignoring the implied insult. He knew Scully was enjoying her opportunity to get him back for years of innuendo. When she reached over and grabbed the remote again, he was truly surprised. "What are you doing?" he cried, exasperated. "I told you. I want to watch Frohike's kinky video. He obviously knows your taste in these things from past experience and he thought you'd like this one. Maybe it will give me some insight." Mulder dove for the remote again, but this time Scully was ready. "Scully, this movie is not going to give you any insight into my character. After seven years surely you don't need that." "I didn't say anything about your character. I meant insights into what you like..." she looked at him steadily, "sexually, that is." "Scully! Give me that damn remote!" "We can watch it together so you can defend yourself or I'll ask Frohike to give it to me later," she said warningly. "He'd never do it." "I'll rent it then." His jaw dropped. "First of all, you would never have the nerve to rent pornography..." "Don't challenge me, Mulder." "...and second of all, you'd never find anything like this for rent. It's too hard core." She looked nervous at that, but persevered, "Fine, I'll buy it then." "Yeah! I can see you in a porno store. Pretty little thing like you.... You'd never get out alive Scully." She turned to him, pulled out her badge, and showed it to him. "I bet this will get me in and out without any trouble. I can claim it's part of an investigation. Now shut up and watch the video. Why aren't they all naked?" "What!" "Why aren't they all naked...or wearing leather or something?" she asked gesturing to the TV. "This is the beginning. It's the part that sets up the plot." "Plot!" she laughed. "What do you need plot for? What kind of plot?" "Something perverse, no doubt. I told you I haven't seen this one. Please, Scully. If you're curious about X-rated videos, I'll rent one that isn't really bad. This one is going to be. I don't even want to think you've seen something like this." She turned and smiled at him with a mischievous expression, "Mulder, there are so many things wrong with that statement, I just don't know where to begin. First of all, among all the videos that you own and the cables channels that you get, you'd have to go rent a video that you wouldn't be ashamed to watch with me?" She raised her eyebrows again. He looked caught. "No thanks, Mulder. I'd rather see something that interests you." "Scully..." "Second of all, Mulder, I don't know if you've noticed but I'm a pathologist. Do you think I've never autopsied victims of sexual assault? I've seen some real, live perversities that would shock you. A video can't offend me. What kind of a pedestal do you have me on?" "You said you didn't like kinky sex..." "So, I'm curious. What's on this that you're so afraid I'll see and be tainted by it." He sighed, "Scully this tape has all sorts of perverse sexual acts on it. According to Frohike," he hastened to add. "It's bondage and S&M...God only knows what else." "While bondage doesn't appeal to me, Mulder, it's not going to shock me either." "This isn't just handcuffs, Scully. It's pretty elaborate. And the other stuff can get pretty violent." He made her face him. "Honestly, Scully. I don't want you to think this interests me." "But it does, Mulder. Else Frohike wouldn't have given it to you." "It does not, Scully," he said emphatically. "I am not interested in sexual domination or humiliation. That's what this is about, Scully. And I know you. I know how important control is to you." He pointed at the television. "This will offend you. This is about taking away someone's control and humiliating them. Making them obey through threats and sick rewards. I am not interested in this and I will not watch it with you. I am begging you to turn it off." "Mulder, I've seen those video jackets...the other tapes that you own. They are all the same thing. This obviously interests you." "Scully, they are not the same. Yes, there's some bondage in them and some other kinky things. But as games among consenting adults. And nothing violent. According to Frohike, this is really violent and portrays..." he was searching for a way to phrase it, "non-consensual sex." Scully's expression became shocked, disgusted. Mulder didn't notice. "I genuinely was not going to watch it. If you want to watch one of these, fine. Pick one of the ones I own and we'll watch it. If you're determined to watch this one, take it to your own apartment and watch it there. But do not. Do not. Believe that I would treat a woman, any woman, much less you, like this." Scully could plainly see that Mulder was extremely upset. She quietly turned the VCR off. "Ok, Mulder you made your point." "Tell me that you don't believe I'd...." "Of course I don't Mulder. If I thought that for an instant, if I had the slightest doubt, I wouldn't be your partner much less your lover." He closed his eyes and nodded. She couldn't resist adding in a playful tone, "But you know kinky stuff interests you." Eyes still closed, his mouth formed a hard line. He was trying not to laugh. "Ok, Scully. You want to watch a porno? We'll watch one. I'll pick out a nice dirty one for you and you'll sit there and watch the whole thing and we'll see if it satisfies your...curiosity." He got up and went to a pile of videos. Grabbing one he quickly replaced the one in the VCR and hit play. He then took the remote from Scully and hit fast forward. "What are you doing?" "Fast forwarding past the 'plot.' We wouldn't want to bore you." She grabbed for the remote, "But then I won't be able to follow it..." He stared at her, "You really never have seen one of these things, have you? Don't worry, Scully, you'll be able to follow it just fine. You know anatomy pretty well. That's all you need to know." She opened her mouth to protest. When no sound came out, he followed her eyes to the television screen and grinned. Her mouth remained open as she stared with undisguised shock at the images fast-forwarding on the screen. They were past the 'plot.' Mulder turned off the fast forward and the accompanying sounds flooded the room. Scully's hand flew to her mouth and Mulder laughed. That brought Scully back to her senses. She composed her face and said calmly, "As I said, you made your point, Mulder. Turn this thing off. Let's get some lunch." "Can't watch it? Embarrassed, Dr. Scully? It's just human reproduction." His tone was taunting. She looked at him coolly. "You were the one who was so curious just a few minutes ago. Chickening out now?" He saw defiance flare in her eyes. "Fine, Mulder. We'll watch it." An hour later, Scully was red as a beet as the closing credits were running. Although she'd literally rather die before she'd admit, she was also hornier the hell. She shifted slightly on the couch, afraid to face Mulder lest he read her expression. She could see him from the corner of her eye--he was watching her, obviously delighted by her agitation. "Like it, Scully?" he asked with a jesting tone. "I'm not going to dignify that with a response," she said coolly. "I told you that you were not the type of woman to watch this." He was laughing at her. "Does that disappoint you?" she asked, only half-joking. "No, of course not, Scully. But admit it, you asked for more than you could handle." "I can handle watching a video, Mulder," she responded dryly. "True," he granted, "it's just doing any of those things you couldn't handle." For some perverse reason, Mulder could not resist teasing her. "I could do any of those things, Mulder." She hated that her voice sounded defensive. "I just don't see any point in them. What would I get out of being handcuffed to a bed besides bruised wrists? What would you get out of it, for that matter, except someone who couldn't do anything but lie there. What's the turn on? I don't get it." He laughed, "For some people it's domination, for some it's...." he stopped dead. "Never mind. You said earlier that you wanted some lunch. How about Joe Bologna's? I'm craving pizza." She grabbed his arm. "No way, Mulder. 'For some people it's domination,' for others it's what? Finish your sentence. What is it that intrigues you about...." she couldn't bring herself to say it. Mulder laughed again. "It's called bondage, Scully. And it doesn't intrigue me that much. I've tried it. It was interesting. That's all. Lunch?" "You've tried this?" she asked pointing to the television and then shook her head. "No, no I don't want to know...I definitely don't need pictures of you, Diana, and handcuffs running around in my head..." "With Phoebe, for your information. Lunch?" he tried again, increasingly desperate. "Phoebe," she sneered, "well, I can believe that. So what is it that attracts your interest if it doesn't intrigue you?" "'To attract one's interest' is the definition of 'to intrigue,' Scully. I told you..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah...it doesn't intrigue you that much. So then, why try it? Why buy videos that feature it? I won't drop this, Mulder. You made me watch the video. Now I'm curious. Tell me." "Scully, this is going to sound like something I would make an issue out of and I don't want you to take it the wrong way. I don't want you to think I expect this or even want this..." "No problem there, Mulder. I've already said I wouldn't do it. But I'm curious why you would." "Ok, you asked. For some people it's dominating some one else. For some people the thrill comes from having to completely trust someone...." "Trust!" She stared at him. "Mulder, only you could take something like this and bring trust into it." "That's not true, Scully. You have to completely trust someone to play bondage games. Trust they'll stop when you ask , trust they won't do anything you don't like, trust they will do what you do like..." "Standard sex involves all those things as well, Mulder." "Yes, but you can get up out of the bed in standard sex and walk away if you don't like it. In the case of bondage you can't. You have no control at all." As soon as he said it, he realized his mistake. Her eyes snapped to his. "And you don't think I could handle this because I don't like being out of control?" "Whoa, Scully," he held his hands up. "I have never thought of you in this context at all." She raised her eyebrows, "Right. Not one of those seven years of fantasies involved me and handcuffs?" "No, Scully. And I'd never suggest we do anything you're not comfortable with. We've already firmly established you're not interested in this. It will never happen and I don't want it to." "Because you think I can't handle it." "No, Scully, this isn't a dare. This is exactly what I was afraid would happen if we discussed this. I don't want to do this with you because you wouldn't enjoy it." "Because I couldn't handle it." "Scully! It's not a dare. I don't care if you could handle it or not. If you don't like it, we don't do it. Now let's go to lunch." They went to lunch but Mulder could tell that in her mind, Scully was fuming. He had made a mistake suggesting to her she couldn't 'handle' something. He should have realized how she'd react. After they ordered, Mulder could tell she was holding something back. Something she wanted to say. "Just say it, Scully." "What?" "You've obviously got something on your mind still. Just say it." "I don't think this is the appropriate place to discuss...." "Just say it." "Fine." She looked right at him. "So, when you and Phoebe...you know..." "Yes." "Who tied who up?" It was Mulder's turn to raise his eyebrows. "And you wouldn't tell me how many men you'd slept with. I think this is a little more personal, don't you? A little more...detailed." She dropped her eyes. To her surprise, he answered quietly, "I tied her up. I think she got off on the idea of being out of control. It scared her a little. We didn't do this regularly, Scully. I've never done it since." "What did you get out of it? I don't see you as the dominating type," she asked without looking up. "Phoebe was the first woman I slept with. Anything she let me do was exciting. Shit, Scully, I was a horny teenager. It was just sex, any kind of sex." She was silent. "I know this doesn't appeal to you. Not because you couldn't handle it. Not because you don't trust me. I know you could and I know you do. I would never suggest that we do it because you wouldn't enjoy it and because I don't need you to prove anything to me. Ok?" She nodded. "Scully, I'm going to ask you something and I want an honest answer." "I've never lied to you, Mulder," she said softly. He sighed. "I know. I didn't mean to imply you had." She nodded again so he asked his question. "Have we done anything already that you allowed even though you were uncomfortable with it?" "No, Mulder," she answered quickly. "Then what's wrong? Something is troubling you. I apologized for saying you couldn't handle it. I know you could. I meant you wouldn't like it. There's a difference." "That's the problem, Mulder." He looked at her, confused. She continued with her eyes fixed on the table. "We've never done anything I didn't like. But we've done a lot of things I would have never imagined I would like. And that video did turn me on. What if I did like it?" she was blushing furiously. "That's the point of those videos, Scully. To get people aroused. It's natural to get turned on when thinking about sex. And so what if you did like what you saw? So what if it made you curious? Your a scientist. You're naturally curious or you wouldn't be such a good one. There's nothing wrong with anything in that video, assuming two consenting adults are involved. I know you had a fairly conservative upbringing. Don't let it make you ashamed of natural curiosities." She didn't reply and was spared Mulder's interrogation by the arrival of the pizza. When they left the restaurant, Scully suggested they go back to her apartment. She busied herself around the apartment with mundane activities that she insisted couldn't wait. She obviously was trying to avoid anymore confrontations about the morning's activities. Mulder would normally have left her to be alone to think but he was afraid to leave her. While watching her, it occurred to him that they had not yet made love in her apartment. "Scully, stop." "Hmm?" "Stop and come here." "Mulder, I need to clean this up." "Do it later. Come here, now." "Mulder..." "Now." "I don't take orders well." "Well, I don't like waiting," his tone was suggestive. She smiled, finally understanding what he wanted, but didn't move. Teasing him. "I thought you said you were a patient man." "I lied," he said. He voice was low and gravelly, predatory. He stalked across the room to her, taking her in his arms roughly. "Video finally got to you?" she laughed, struggling against him half- heartedly. "No, you have. We haven't made love here. I want to make love to you. Now." He kissed her. She instantly knew that there was no way she would be saying 'no' to anything. If the video hadn't gotten to him, she was having trouble denying, even to herself, that it had gotten to her. She kissed him back hungrily and unbuttoned his shirt. Within seconds they were both half-naked on the couch in her living room. He pushed her off him. "What?" she whispered, kissing his cheekbone. "I want to make love to you in your bed," he growled, returning her kiss with his own on her neck. She nodded, breath catching in her throat. He picked her up and carried her back to her bedroom quickly. Laying her on the bed, he practically jumped on top of her. "God, Scully. I want you," he whispered kissing her neck, collarbone, and tracing kisses to her breasts. She moaned as he twisted her nipples gently and reached down to unbuckle his pants. She pulled his holster and cuffs from his belt, tossed them on the floor, and pulled off his trousers. She felt him reach to do the same and in an instant her pants were on the floor next to his and his hands were tracing a lazy line up her hips. He pushed himself off her onto his elbows. Opening her eyes, she saw him looking at her with a mixture of pure lust, mischief, and apprehension in his eyes. "Still feeling curious, Scully?" he whispered. She felt her heart leap but she looked back at him evenly. "What did you have in mind?" she whispered, her voice betraying her nervousness. Watching her carefully, he pushed her arms above her head sliding his hands along them until he grasped her wrists lightly. He brought them together slowly and held her there, kissing her. He let go of her wrists, broke the kiss, and looked at her, questioningly. She didn't move her arms, she didn't say a word, her expression was unreadable. He leaned down placed light kisses on her cheeks, whispering, "Scully I won't do this unless I know you want it. I can't...." She swallowed, "Mulder look at me." He did. Looking directly into his eyes, she whispered her answer, "This is about trust, Mulder. I trust you to stop if I ask, you trust me to tell you to stop if I want you to. I haven't asked you to stop." He looked at her sharply before returning to kissing her face. His hands traced back up her arms and she heard handcuffs slide out of their case. Her heart raced again and her eyes fluttered shut. He heard her breathing change as he clasped the bracelets over her wrist, around the railing on the headboard and on her other wrist. He looked at her. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing was fast. He was about to reach for the keys to the handcuffs when she opened her eyes and looked at him. He definitely saw fear in them, but arousal too. "Are you going to drive me insane just staring, or are you going to make love to me?" her voice was breathless, rough. Something about it made him rock hard. "I think I'm going to make you beg me," he said with a naughty, roguish tone. "Mulder!" she began, but he silenced her with a kiss. As soon as she responded and kissed him back, he pulled away, trailing kisses down her throat instead. He felt her try to free her arms to pull his lips back to hers. She made a frustrated sound. "Mulder!" "Don't pull on those. You'll hurt your wrists." He returned to kissing her throat. "Mulder!" she said insistently. He put his finger over her lips smiling impishly. "Not another word." She started to open her mouth to speak. "Not another word or I'll put tape over your mouth." Her eyes flew open wide. 'You wouldn't dare,' she began to say but the expression on his face stopped her. 'He might,' she thought slightly panicked and snapped her mouth shut. "That's better. The only word I want to hear is 'stop' if that's what you need." He kissed her lightly again on her cheekbone. "Now I intend to drive you thoroughly insane," he whispered and kissed her again on the corner of her mouth. "By the time I'm done with you, you will be screaming." He kissed her again, this time fully on the lips. Again, as soon as she responded, he pulled away and kissed her neck. His hands brushed lightly over her bare breasts. She moaned and his touch became even lighter. And so it was, he tortured her. Touching her, driving her to the brink, stopping when she responded, and moving to another spot on her body. It wasn't long before she was writhing uncontrollably. "Mulder please...." she whispered, finally. Afraid of what he might do if she spoke, afraid of going insane of she didn't. "Please what?" he whispered, inches from her face, his breath hot on her lips. She jumped, opening her eyes. "Please, I need..." she whispered again, her ragged breathing making it difficult to speak. "What do you need?" he whispered. Covering her mouth with his, he prevented her answer with a kiss. She returned the kiss desperately and practically sobbed when he pulled away. "Mulder, please...!" This time he trailed kisses down her throat and to her breasts, kissing them firmly, running his tongue around her nipples, biting them. When she moaned he didn't stop. When he didn't stop, she thought she would die. Letting herself go, she moaned his name loudly. "God, yes, Mulder..." His lips left her breasts and she froze, until she felt them descend lower. She moaned again, this time in anticipation as he again touched her everywhere but where she needed it most. When his tongue finally flicked strongly over her clit, she came instantly. Screaming as Mulder had predicted. When her body relaxed, he pulled away from her. "God, Mulder...please," she was pulling hard on the cuffs. He leaned over her on the bed and pinned her wrists. "Please what?" "Kiss me," she whispered, her tone definitely pleading. He kissed her thoroughly, leaving her breathless again. "God, Mulder. I want you...I need you..." "What ever you want..." he whispered, "or need," his tone was seductive, "you're going to have to ask me. I want to hear you say it. What do you want?" She stared at him, blushing. "Fine, I want you to make love to me...." "Nope, no, no. That's what I've been doing. What do you want me to do, specifically? How do you want me to do it?" She blushed furiously. "Mulder don't make me do this..." she whispered. "I can't make you do anything. I can make you want to...." His lips descended on her body again. Her head swam. She had no doubt that Mulder could make her want anything at this moment. As suddenly as he started, he stopped. Nuzzling her neck, he whispered, "So what do you want, Scully?" "I just want you inside me," she whispered still breathless. He complied instantly. She gasped as he slid into her. Her eyes snapped up to his. He was obviously completely out of control himself and struggling hard to regain it. When he did, he began to drive into her fast. They were both lost. She couldn't believe that after what he had just made her feel that he could make her come again. He did. When her muscles spasmed around him, he came too, groaning out loud. He collapsed on top of her, breathing hard. "Mulder, unlock these. Please." Without opening his eyes, he reached up and unlocked the cuffs. Her arms flew around him, pulling him closer to her. He responded in kind. When his breathing returned to normal, he kissed her passionately. "Are you alright?" "God, yes," she responded, without hesitation, kissing him again. "God, I love you, Mulder." He sat up slightly and pulled her into his arms. "I love you." She slid her hands up his chest, around his neck, and pulled him down to kiss her again. He kissed her and then reached back to disentangle her arms from his neck. He ran his fingers over her wrists. "I told you not to pull on the cuffs," he whispered and kissed the bruises already forming in her wrists. She laughed. "You shouldn't have tried to drive me crazy then. Mulder, you better be glad I was handcuffed. I ought to kill you." She pushed herself up so she could look at him directly. "I ought to kill you," she repeated in a playfully angry tone. He struggled not to look smug. He knew she would kill him. "You loved it," he whispered. "You could have stopped it but you didn't want to." "No, I didn't. God, Mulder. I absolutely have never felt anything like that..." her voice trailed off. She was blushing again. "I cannot believe I did that, much less that I...enjoyed it that much." "We have this conversation a lot. I intended for you to enjoy it, Scully. I certainly did." He grinned and said something he knew would push her buttons, "You know Scully, I could do a very interesting psychoanalysis regarding...." "Just shut up, Mulder." He didn't dare laugh aloud, but she felt him heaving silently under her. **** Scully didn't go in with Mulder on Monday morning. They had decided to take a case out of town and to leave that afternoon. So Scully was packing while Mulder made his report regarding the apprehension of the suspect he and Ryan had caught. She was surprised when she heard a knock at her door. It couldn't be Mulder, and besides, he had a key. She went to the door and peered through the peephole. Ryan. Her heart raced. Suddenly she was afraid to be alone with him. A man that had slept in her bed, naked in her arms. She was afraid. He was a member of the Consortium. He might do anything. He might have done anything. Checking her gun in the holster at her waist, she forced herself to calmly open the door. Stepping back she gave him silent permission to enter. He did. She stared at him, eyes wide. He returned her gaze, confused. "What is it, Dana?" "Scully," she replied, coldly. "What?" "Don't call me Dana. We are not friends. We never were. We never will be." "Never friends...? Dana, we were lovers...." he exclaimed, shocked by her statement. He was further shocked by her reaction to his. She raised her hand and slapped him hard. "We were not! Don't you dare say that to me." He rubbed his jaw. "What in the hell is wrong with you?" he asked, slightly panicked and completely amazed by her behavior. "I know about your...allegiances." "What are you talking about?" "CGB Spender." "I don't know what you're talking about. Who and/or what is CGB Spender?" She looked at him measuringly. "You're good, Ryan. I almost believe you. Almost, but not quite. Because you're too good. You did too good a job. Too much like, Mulder. Too much knowledge about us. I know this was all a set up. How do you do it?" "What are you talking about?" his voice was raised, high-pitched, panicked. "How do you kiss a woman, touch her, tell her that you love her...because you've been ordered to, nothing else? Doesn't it feel a little like prostitution?" His brow furrowed, his expression hard. He grabbed her by her upper arms and shook her slightly. "I'll ask one more time. Make sense this time. What in the hell are you talking about?" His voice was even but the anger in it was clear. Scully replied calmly. "You're hurting me," she said looking at his hands' hard grasp crushing the soft flesh of her upper arms. He didn't release her. "But then, you've been doing that intentionally for the last six months, so why should now be any different?" He let her go, pushing her back. "I'm sorry I told you about Mulder and Diana like I did. I shouldn't have done that. But I wanted you to see him for what he is. He's been preaching trust to you for years but he lies to you. He says he loves you but he doesn't tell you such basic...." "Shut up!" Scully yelled. "Shut up! How dare you talk to me about lies! How dare you criticize Mulder for not telling me about Diana! Everything you ever said to me was a lie!" Scully's door opened and Mulder and Skinner raced into her apartment, hands on their guns in response to the yelling. When Skinner saw Ryan react to Scully's words by towering over her, fists clenched, he stepped forward to intervene. Mulder stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Don't," Mulder whispered. Skinner glared at him. "She doesn't need protection. She'll be angry if you don't let her handle it." "He looks dangerous," Skinner whispered. "They both do. We only step in if she looses control." Skinner looked unconvinced. "She's my partner, I know how she works. Let her handle it." Neither Ryan nor Scully noticed their presence. Scully reacted to Ryan's threatening posture by pushing him back hard. "I will never fall for your act again. I will never trust you, believe a word you say, or speak to you myself again. The least you can do is have the decency to admit that you were playing me." Her voice was hard. He didn't respond. "Say it!" she yelled leaning into his face to spit the words. "Alright. I played you." Skinner's eyes were as big as saucers. He staggered forward, but again Mulder stopped him. Scully covered her mouth with her hand, closing her eyes. "Do you want the details?" Ryan asked quietly, defeated. Her face was a picture of anguish but something made her need to know. "Yes," she whispered. "I studied clandestinely made video tapes of you and Mulder for months. Spender spent hours drilling me on facts and figures about you two. This isn't my real hair color...I'm blonde." It looked as if Scully would be physically ill. He continued, with a soft voice, "But I didn't count on really falling for you when we started working together." "Don't...don't even try. I have never hated anyone in my life like I hate you. I don't even think I hated the man who killed my sister as much as I hate you. At least that was an honest job and an honest mistake. I'd rather someone kill me than play the type of sick game you played. You utterly disgust me. Get out" He grabbed her arms again. "I did love you. I do love you," he exclaimed insistently, desperately. She broke his hold on her violently. "Don't touch me. I will never believe that. Now get away from me. Get out and don't ever come back here." His expression hardened again. He grabbed her arms and pulled her against him. Her eyes flew to his face. Mulder's fists clenched. "I will make you believe I love you," he said harshly as his mouth descended on hers. He kissed her bruisingly. She cried out in shock. Skinner moved forward again and again Mulder stopped him. "Are you insane?" Skinner asked, trying to pull away. "She needs to do this herself." They stared at each other. "Trust me. I know how she feels. She needs to handle this herself." "What if she can't?" Skinner asked, eyes on Scully and Ryan, concern plainly written on his face. "She can." Ryan used the opportunity afforded him by Scully's scream to shove his tongue into her mouth. She wrenched her face aside. "Let me go!" she shouted. Her voice held warning and anger. Ryan was not smart enough to heed the warning. Scully twisted in his grasp and brought her elbow across his face hard. He staggered back. "If you touch me again, I will not hesitate to defend myself," she said coldly. "That is your last warning." His gaze narrowed and he reached for her again, this time violently pushing her against the wall. His mouth descended on hers again. He used his body to pin her to the wall as his hands reached for her blouse. As he was about to rip it open, she brought her knee up hard into his groin. He doubled over and fell back. She pushed him away and hit him again, this time over the head. He fell to the ground. She kicked him hard in the stomach. A hand closed over her arm. She spun around, reacting on instinct. Mulder. She froze. "That's enough, Scully." She focused on him. "That's enough," he said quietly. "Are you alright?" another voice asked. She turned as much as Mulder's grip on her arm allowed. Skinner. She fought to regain her composure. "He attacked me," she said looking between Ryan, still writhing on the floor, and her boss. "I know, Dana. I saw it. I'm asking you if you're ok." His hand was on her shoulder. She took a breath. "I'm fine. Really." She looked down at Ryan. "I better make sure he's not injured...." "I'll do it," Mulder intervened. He grabbed Ryan and hauled him to his feet. Shoving him to the door, Mulder opened it. "Get out. If you touch her again, I'll kill you," he whispered. Ryan collapsed to the floor outside Scully's apartment and Mulder slammed the door. "Mulder...." she started. He put up his hand. His expression was enough to silence her. She lowered her eyes. "How much of this did you see?" she asked, embarrassed. Skinner answered, voice tight... grieving, "More than I wanted to. Andy was like my son. I've known his father since before he was born. We had holidays together...I would have never believed...I still hardly can...Scully..." he shook his head, "...Dana, I feel responsible for this." He looked at Mulder nervously as he continued. "I told Andy to ask you out. I told him that Mulder would never have the good sense to...." He stumbled to a stop. "I am so sorry." Scully put her hand on his shoulder. "It's alright. He was playing you too. Welcome to our little world. Remember--trust no one." Skinner smiled sourly. She lowered her eyes again. After a pause, she asked, "If I may, what are you...both of you...doing here?" "Skinner and I had another argument about those files you dug up on Ryan. I was going to show him some details. I assume I no longer need to?" Mulder asked. Skinner shook his head. "I'll transfer him...." "After this, since it's obvious he can't get what he came for, he'll probably disappear." Skinner 's expression hardened. Mulder turned back to Scully. "Scully, your lip is bleeding. You'd better go have a look at it." Her hand went to her lip. She reached for a Kleenex and dabbed at her lip. "Which reminds me, if you two listened to this entire conversation, why do I have a bloody lip? Is this your idea of backup?" Her voice was teasing and she was smiling playfully at Mulder. But there was a hint of a serious question in her voice too. "You can't blame me for that one," Skinner answered quickly. "I was asking the same question but Mulder insisted you didn't need any back up." Scully stared at him. "You're kidding." "You know how you would have reacted," Mulder replied quietly. She nodded. "I would have been furious. I needed to have it out with Ryan. I could have done without his little...." her eyes wandered back over to the wall as she continued to dab at her lip. Both men nodded. She looked at Mulder. "...I'm amazed you didn't...." she trailed off. 'I'm amazed you didn't kill Ryan,' was what she wanted to say to Mulder. She wasn't sure how Skinner would interpret the comment. Skinner saw her glance at him and look down. "I was amazed by Mulder's restraint as well." he finished for her. "I would have killed anyone I saw throw my partner against a wall. Much less a fellow agent, who we should be able to trust," he added bitterly. "And we all know this relationship is far past partnership...." Mulder and Scully looked at him, their expressions unreadable. "Yeah, that's what I thought." They raised their eyebrows. "Sir," Scully began. Skinner held up his hand. "Don't bother. I'm very happy for Mulder that he finally came to his senses. He would have been an utter fool not to." Skinner turned to Mulder, who was obviously trying to hide his shock. Skinner fixed him with a stern expression and spoke quietly, "Don't fuck up, Mulder. It's time for you to reorder your priorities." He nodded to them both and left without another word. Mulder and Scully stared after him and then at each other. Mulder's expression changed. "Are you alright?" he asked quietly. His eyes begged her for the truth. She looked away from him. "I was actually afraid to let him in," she replied softly. "My God, Mulder. He's a member of the Consortium. Like that smoking freak, like the man that killed my sister, like Krychek." she looked up at him and he could see the fear creeping into her eyes. "I almost slept with him. He could have..." she bit her lip and turned away from him. He grasped her shoulders gently. "But he didn't, Scully. In fact, you said one of the things you liked about him was that he was a perfect gentleman. He didn't push you." "It was an act..." she said loudly. "I don't think it was. He had genuine feelings for you, Scully..." "Mulder...!" "No one acts that well. I believed him when he said he fell for you." "That makes it worse, Mulder. If he really cared about me, but still did what he did...." "I know, Scully. I know. And that's what to be frightened of. Not what Ryan could have done to you." He pulled her against him and she didn't resist. After a moment, he continued, "I don't want to talk about him. It's behind us. **** Mulder postponed their trip another day in light of that day's occurrences. Now he was on his way to pick Scully up to go to the airport. He knocked on the door twice before deciding to let himself in. If Scully couldn't hear the door, that meant she was either still asleep or still in the shower. In either case, they were definitely going to miss their flight. Less than a second after Mulder opened her door, his gun was in his hand. Scully's apartment was a disaster--furniture over turned, broken, and scattered across the room. He called her name. Silence answered him. He quickly went from room to room. Each room was the same as the next. He felt his heart leap from his chest when he reached the kitchen--the floor was slick with blood. He dialed his phone. No answer. He dialed another number. "Skinner." "Sir, it's Mulder. I think you'd better come to Scully's apartment. I'm calling the police." "What happened?" his voice was tense. "I don't know. I think you'd better get over here." He hung up. When Skinner arrived, police were scouring Scully's apartment. Skinner flashed his badge and entered, approaching Mulder directly. "What the hell happened here? Where is Scully?" "I don't know, " Mulder whispered. Skinner's eyes narrowed, "You don't know what happened or you don't know where she is?" "Both." "Start making sense, Mulder." Skinner's voice was threatening. "I came here to pick her up to go to the airport. I found her apartment as you see it now. She wasn't here." After a pause he added, "There's a lot of blood in the kitchen. I'm having it matched against hers." Skinner looked past him into the kitchen and then back at Mulder. "Neighbors?" "They heard nothing," he replied tiredly. Skinner frowned at him. "How are you?" Mulder looked at him--Skinner saw the depths of hell in Mulder's eyes. **** Scully regained consciousness in a hospital room. Turning her head she saw a figure sleeping in a chair by the window in the room. Mulder? She couldn't tell. She tried to sit up and to clear her mind. She couldn't move. Something was cutting into her wrists--restraints. Her mind spun and she tried to call out. The figure in the chair moved and as recognition registered in her mind, panic raged through her body-- Ryan. With the tide of fear coursing over her, she remembered--Ryan forcing his way into her apartment, fighting with him, being shot. She stared at him, eyes wide. He caressed her face and she flinched away. His expression hardened. "I saved your life. Be more grateful." "You shot me!" "In the shoulder...because you wouldn't come peacefully. I was sent to kill you." She opened her mouth to speak but found she couldn't. "I couldn't kill you because I love you." He caressed her face again. Tears came to her eyes as realization dawned. "So I made the next best decision. You disappear. I keep you. I keep you away from Mulder, away from the Consortium, and Spender is happy. Eventually, when he sees this works, he'll forgive me for disobeying him. Meanwhile, most importantly, I get the opportunity to show you how much I love you...." "You don't love me..." she whispered, voice trembling. "I love you more than anything...I sacrificed everything for you." "You wasted your time. Spender will never forget this and I will never believe you love me." "He will when he sees this works...and I do love you. And you'll love me. You'll see." He caressed her cheek and trailed his hand down her neck and arm. With effort, she suppressed a scream. **** A week later, Mulder was coming unglued. He sat in Skinner's office as they reviewed the information they had so far. The blood was Scully's. Fingerprints on the furniture in the apartment matched Ryan's, including bloody ones on the doorknob. No one had seen a thing. Ryan and Scully had disappeared without a trace. Mulder was loosing his mind. Somewhere in the distance, Skinner was talking. "We have an APB on both Scully and Ryan. Every FBI office in the country has been informed that they are missing. We're going on television with this tonight. The medical examiner says there's no where near enough blood in the apartment for a life threatening injury. Ryan's going to go somewhere with her. We're going to make it difficult." "What if Ryan isn't behind this? What if it's something bigger? What if Spender...the Consortium is behind this?" "Then we'll make it harder for them to hide her. She's a Federal Agent. We will have her picture on every newscast in the country. They can't disappear her." Mulder looked him directly in the eye. "They did four years ago." **** Scully awoke again, this time in a bedroom in a house. She felt drugged. Looking around, she saw the windows in the room were covered with bars. The bedroom door had a deadbolt on it. She was handcuffed to the bed by her wrists and ankles. Her heart began to pound and tears came to her eyes. She pulled at the cuffs. They were solid. "Ryan!" she screamed. "Ryan!" She yelled until she was hoarse. She was about to give up when the deadbolt turned. "Yell as much as you want. No one will hear you, but you'll get a sore throat." He let his hand run down her throat to the collar of the hospital gown she was still wearing. "Get your hands off me!" she shouted. He fondled her hair. "There was a time when you would have enjoyed me touching you like this." "Get your hands off me!" she repeated with more intensity. He traced her lips and she bit him. Hard. He jerked his hand back and raised it, fist clenched. She didn't flinch but the blow didn't fall. Instead, he lowered his hand softly to her cheek. "I love you." She was breathing hard. "What in the hell are you doing here? Where are we? What is this?" "This is our home." Her brows furrowed, but there was fear in her eyes. "We are far away from any interference. The house is well isolated and completely secure. All the windows are barred, the doors are two-inch thick oak with deadbolt locks. A key is needed to unlock them from inside or outside. You can't escape...." "Why the handcuffs then?" "You will have to earn your privileges. If you want to get rid of the handcuffs, you will have to speak civilly to me and sleep quietly next to me." Her eyes widened. "If you want out of this room...if you want access to the rest of the house, you will have to show me that you trust me...that you are willing to give this a try." "I am not willing to give this try." "No, no, no. That's not how we play the game. We are going to be here a long time, Dana. I want you to be happy, but you have to show me you're willing to try." He smiled at her. "I love you so much." He caressed her cheek again. She stared at him in amazement. "I'm going to get you something to eat." When he left the room, Scully began to cry despite her best effort at control. **** Scully closed her eyes and tried to block out the sensation assaulting her. Ryan held her against him on the bed, kissing her face, her hair, her neck, her ears. She fought to keep still and not vomit. As good as his threat, Ryan had left Scully handcuffed to the bed until the pain in her wrists and ankles compelled her to submit to his demands. He slept next to her on the bed, his arm draped over her waist. He insisted she call him Andy and make small talk with him. Now, the price of freedom from this room was to allow him to kiss her...to touch her. And act like she enjoyed it. She needed out of the room if she was going to have any hope of escape. She needed to see her surroundings, find a weapon, form a plan. She couldn't achieve any of those things from an empty bedroom with one tiny window. Her mind flashed back to reality from the haze she forced herself to feel when Ryan's hands ran over her breasts. She flinched back automatically but he held her fast. "Please Andy, you promised me we'd take this slowly." His hands were again on her breasts, kneading them softly. She lost control and began to cry. "Please, Andy. I need more time. Please don't do this. Please," she pleaded in a whisper through her tears. "We dated for six months..." "And only after six months did we even kiss..." "I'm not waiting six more months for you, Dana." "If you loved me, you wouldn't do this. You know how important your patience was to me." "And I was patient. Why should I have to be patient again?" "You lied to me," she answered softly, hoping she wouldn't push him over the edge. "You were working for Spender and you didn't tell me. You've got to give me some time to learn to trust you again. Respecting my decision on this will go a long way towards regaining my trust." "But I want you. I can't control myself...." he trailed off kissing her again. "Would you prefer a willing lover or would you prefer to rape me?" she whispered fearfully. He pulled back. She stared at him surprised and afraid of his response. "I would never hurt you. Never!" "Then please, Andy. Give me some time. I'm trying, as you asked. It would help a lot...I could trust you more easily...if you would let me out of this room." She knew she was really pushing her luck but from her point of view she had very little to loose. He pulled her back into his arms and returned to kissing her, but he left his hands on her waist. "I'll think about it," he whispered between kisses. "Put your arms around me." Scully complied, struggling to control her tears. She didn't know how much longer she could prevent Ryan from doing something she couldn't live with. **** Ryan had let her out of the bedroom, but only when he was there to watch her. She had seen the other rooms in the house, but they gave her little hope of easy escape. She certainly wasn't going to be able to just make a break for it. She had begged him to leave the bedroom door open regularly, but the price of this 'privilege' was too high. But she knew that she had no choice. She needed into the house to look for the keys to the door or to look for something she could use as a weapon to subdue Ryan. She begged him, bargained with him, but he remained firm in what he required. There was no choice. Scully crept out of the now permanently unlocked bedroom and collapsed on the couch in the living room. She had convinced Ryan that she only wanted a shower because she was sweaty. The noise of the shower had disguised her retching. Fortunately, while she had showered, Ryan fell soundly asleep. She was left to cry inconsolably on the couch. She knew she had to return to the bedroom before he awoke, but for now, she was alone. **** After five weeks, Scully had very little to show for her efforts except a desperate feeling that she couldn't take much more. Ryan had begun to leave the bedroom door unlocked. When he left her alone to get more food and supplies, she had searched the entire house for something she could use as a weapon. Nothing. All the 'silverware' was plastic, anything that could be used as a blunt object or turned over on someone was bolted down, there was nothing that could be broken and made into a sharp object. Ryan had been right about the security of the house as well. She saw woods from every window. She had tried to pick the locks with no success. If the house were ever to catch on fire, she'd have no hope of getting out of it. It was more secure than a maximum-security prison. Her desperation rose. **** Mulder was disconsolate. It had been almost two months since Scully had disappeared and they had no leads. Skinner started out convinced that the publicity her disappearance had generated would turn up some sightings. His enthusiasm was contagious and Mulder had actually allowed himself to hope. Now, since nothing had turned up, his hope had turned to despondency. When official channels proved worthless, Mulder turned to unofficial ones. But the Gunmen found nothing either. Mulder was reliving Scully's first abduction...everything she had suffered. He couldn't bare that she was being forced to endure the experience again. But the idea of alien abduction, whatever it might have meant, was better than the other option. He couldn't bring himself to think about what Ryan could be doing to her. **** As her options diminished, so did her hope. As her hope declined, so did her tolerance for Ryan. Scully no longer had anything to gain by cooperating. Or so she thought. When she stopped complying with Ryan's demands, she learned what hell was really like. His behavior became more aggressive and violent. He hit her hard enough to knock her down. That was, of course, his goal. She heard the click of the bracelets on the cuffs as they closed over her wrists. The blow to her face wasn't necessary--she had learned not to resist. Resistance only prolonged the experience. But still, the goal was to hurt her. She knew that and reacted accordingly. If she complied, it ended faster. When she acted hurt, he stopped sooner. Acting wasn't difficult. Face down, she couldn't see what he was doing. She listened for some sound that might give her some idea what to expect. Unsure how much more she could endure, she began pleading with him to let her go. She knew he wanted to hear her beg. **** LOCATION UNKNOWN Scully unlocked the door and ran for her life. She felt the underbrush tearing at her thin cotton pants but she didn't stop running. Her blouse caught on a branch but she didn't stop. When she thought her lungs would burst, she reached a dirt road. She slowed her pace to a trot and followed the road. After running over an hour, the dirt road let out onto a two-lane paved road. She picked a direction and walked, no longer able to run. She walked until dusk without seeing a house, a car, or any sign of human occupation. She was considering how she should pass the night when she saw headlights. Her heart pounded. At this point, she felt Ryan wouldn't be pursuing her. If he had been able, he would have caught up with her sooner than this. But was it someone associated with him? They'd kill her after seeing what she'd done to Ryan. She had to take a chance. She couldn't survive many days in the elements without food or water and she had no idea where she was. She stood in the middle of the road and waved her arms. The car slowed and stopped. She leaned over the hood. The driver was an older man. His hair was white and he was over weight. He looked like someone's grandfather. "Please," she shouted, still standing in front of the car. "Please help me." The man opened the car door and stepped out. "Are you alright, miss?" he asked, concern evident in his eyes. Scully stepped around the car and grasped his arm. Trying to calm herself, she spoke quietly. "Please, I'm a Federal Agent...Special Agent Dana Scully...I'm with the FBI. I was kidnapped...I escaped...I need to get to a police station..." she knew her narrative left a lot to be desired. "It's alright, Miss...uhm...Agent...Scully, did you say? Just get in the car. I'll drive you into town." She looked suddenly suspicious. "Who are you?" "My name is Jenkins. Pete Jenkins. I have a hunting camp up the road about twenty miles. I was coming back from stocking it up for next weekend. Some buddies and I are going up there. I won't hurt you...see," he said opening his jacket, "I'm not armed." He stepped back from the car. "There are no weapons in there. Why don't you check it out? I can take you into town and you can get some help." She nodded at him, glanced into the car, and made her choice. She had to trust him. She got into the car. He got in as well and drove off. "Is anyone after you? Chasing you? I mean...should I drive faster?" "I don't think so...I escaped early this morning. I don't think I was followed." She looked at him. "Mr. uhm..Jenkins...would you tell me where we are?" He looked a little surprised, "Sure, this is state route 4101." "What state?" she asked quietly. He looked at her fully, "You don't know?" She lowered her eyes. He turned back to the road. "This is Utah. We're in Utah." She closed her eyes. "I should have guessed. Where in Utah? Close to Salt Lake City?" "We're about an hour and a half, maybe two hours from there. Say, did you say you are an FBI agent?" "That's right." "From Washington?" "Yes," she sounded nervous. He turned in his seat, animated, "Hey, I know about you. You were on television two months ago. There's a regular manhunt for you. No offense, but I think there's an award for information leading to your recovery as well." "You're kidding!" she exclaimed. "Nope. Maybe I'll get a reward," he chuckled. "Mr. Jenkins, I'll personally give you my entire pay check for the rest of my life if you can help me get back to Washington," she replied seriously. "Don't worry, Miss Scully. Nothing's going to happen now. We'll be in town in about an hour." "The nearest town is an hour off?" "Yeah, we're really way out there. You would have never made it walking. There's a cold front coming in tomorrow...." "If the town is an hour off, can I impose on you to drive me all the way to Salt Lake? There's an FBI field office there. I need to contact my boss...and my partner," her voice broke at the thought of Mulder. Jenkins panicked. He wasn't the type who could stand a woman crying. "I'll take you to Salt Lake," he agreed immediately. "It's not that much further...no problem. Why don't you try to get a nap? You look exhausted. Say, there's some sandwich meat in the cooler in the backseat if you're hungry. Even if you're not, I wouldn't mind if you handed me some. I'm getting pretty hungry with all the excitement here. And listen, just so you'll know, I've got to stop in town on the way and tell my wife I'll be gone longer than expected or she'll worry. Maybe you'd like it if she came the rest of the way to Salt Lake with us...maybe it would make you more comfortable." Scully smiled at him. "I'm ok. I trust you," she handed him a package of sandwich meat. "Stop to talk to your wife if you have to, but don't tell her where we're going. It would be safer for her that way. And she'd better stay at home. I don't want anymore private citizens involved in this than necessary." **** SALT LAKE CITY FIELD OFFICE Two hours later, Scully walked into the FBI field office in Salt Lake City followed by Pete Jenkins. She walked straight to the guard. "I am Special Agent Dana Scully. My badge number is 2317-616. I don't have my ID. I was kidnapped and I escaped. You should have a report...." her voice was now only slightly shaky, she was relieved to see. "Please come with me, ma'am," he said immediately. "Sir? You are?" "Pete Jenkins." Scully replied. "He helped me escape. You'll need his statement." "Please come with me." He led them to a small room with a conference table and several chairs and left them. Minutes later a suit entered the room. He had a file. He smiled at his guests and proffered his hand. Scully shook it gingerly. "I'm SAC Larry Colbert. The guard says you have identified yourself as Special Agent Dana Scully." He was friendly but obviously dubious. "That's right. Please, I'd like to call Washington. My supervisor can ID me by voice. My partner certainly can." "I need some more information first. Could you please give me your social security number...." Scully quickly rattled off all the personal information she could think of. "I've been reported missing, surely," she concluded. "You must have a photograph for God's sake. Just look at it. Meanwhile, I want to call my supervisor." "Agent Scully, you have been reported missing. In fact there is a $25,000 reward for you return. And to date, the FBI has followed-up over 10,000 calls related to your disappearance. Forgive me if I don't want to send your supervisor and your partner on another roller- coaster ride because another red-head showed up. Could you give me your SAC's number...." "I work in Washington. We both know my supervisor is an AD not a SAC. His name is Skinner. Walter Skinner. His assistant's name is Kimberly. Her number is 555-6722. His direct number is 555-7798 and his cell is 555-2353. My partner's name is Fox William Mulder. His badge number is JTT04710111. Our office number is 555-2993 and his cell number is 555- 9355. Please, call one of them. Either can ID me." Agent Colbert looked at the file in his hand, scanning information as she rattled it off. He looked hard at one page and back at Scully. A photograph, she deduced. He reached for a cell phone and dialed a number. "May I speak to Walter Skinner, please. This is SAC Larry Colbert in Salt Lake City. I may have some information regarding his missing agent...Agent Scully." There was a pause. Scully closed her eyes and relaxed for the first time in two months. "Assistant Director Skinner, this is SAC Colbert in Salt Lake. I have a woman in my office that claims to be your Agent Scully. I'm inclined to believe her. You may want to fly out here. I'm going to hold her in protective custody until you..." Scully's eyes snapped up when SAC Colbert stated he intended to hold her. She now heard Skinner yelling in the phone. Colbert handed it to her. "It's me, sir," she breathed. "Please, is Mulder there? Can I speak to Mulder?" Scully heard Skinner barking orders--dismissing whoever had been in his office, ordering Kimberly to call Mulder up. "He's on his way, Scully. Are you alright?" "I'm uninjured, sir." "Where is Ryan?" "I think I killed him, sir. In my escape. They haven't recorded a statement yet. Someone needs to get back out there and check out the house." The SAC's eyebrows went through the roof at this. He began to motion for agents. "Ok, Scully. Mulder and I are on our way out there." "How is Agent Mulder, sir?" Skinner could easily hear her concern through her formality. "He's holding it together. That's about it. Give me back to SAC Colbert. I want to give him some instructions." "Can I speak to Mulder first?" "As soon as he's up here, I won't be able to keep the phone away from him." She sighed and handed the phone to Colbert. She could hear Skinner yelling again. "If I hear that you confine her in anyway, I will personally have your badge. You got that, Colbert?" "But, sir. She just said she killed a man. And we still don't have a positive ID..." "Your badge, Colbert. That is Agent Scully. No doubt about it. She killed a man trying to escape two months of captivity. I'm guessing it will be ruled self-defense. You treat her accordingly. I will be in Salt Lake in two hours if I have to charter a plane...." Scully heard confusion on the line and then a familiar voice shouting her name. Colbert practically threw the phone at her. Her composure crumbled. "It's me, Mulder." "Jesus, Scully. It is you. God, I can't believe it. Where?" "Salt Lake." "Ryan." It wasn't a question. "Are you alright? Did he...hurt you?" "I'm fine, Mulder," came the automatic reply. He snorted. "Please come out here." This was a whisper. Anyone would recognize it as a plea. Only Mulder recognized the level of desperation it held. "I will be out there as soon as I can, Scully. I'm leaving now. Give me a number there, so I can call you from the airport." Skinner took the phone from Mulder. She heard him yelling at Mulder. "We're both going out there, mister. Get on your own phone and get us tickets. I'll get us the info we need." **** Mulder and Skinner arrived in the Salt Lake field office and found Scully asleep on the couch in Colbert's office. Skinner went with the agents to where Jenkins had picked up Scully to try to find the house. He wanted to give Mulder time with Scully. Mulder, however, wanted Scully to rest while she could. He turned to Colbert. "Let her sleep. Did you record her statement?" Colbert nodded. "I want to read it." "It's on the desk," he replied. Mulder entered the office quietly so as to not awaken Scully and picked up the report. Reading her description of the house and conditions she had been forced to endure made him physically ill. Knowing her as he did, he could only imagine how difficult it had been. He reached her description of her escape. Ryan had 'permitted' her to cook their dinners. She clogged the drain with potato peels and he produced some Draino to fix it. She noticed he forgot to lock it up or hide it, so she put it in his coffee this morning. 'Nasty, Scully,' he thought. She fought the keys from him as he was gagging and ran from the house. He watched her sleep and contemplated her statement. It had a lot of holes. She stated that he hadn't hurt her...hadn't been physically violent...but it also stated he required certain behavior from her in exchange for allowing her liberties such as free-roam of the house. But she didn't clarify or define what she meant by 'certain behavior.' That scared him. If it had been something innocuous, she wouldn't have been vague. He was terrified to find out. He left the office. "Who took her statement?" he asked Colbert. "I took it myself," he replied. "Did anyone ask her if she wanted to go to the hospital?" "She refused...vehemently." Mulder looked down and forced himself to ask the question, "Did you ask her about sexual assault?" Colbert looked at him evenly, "I did. She denied she had been sexually assaulted. To be honest, Agent Mulder, your partner is a poor liar. She was definitely lying about something. Maybe it was that. Like I said, I encouraged her to go to a hospital. I couldn't convince her. Perhaps you should try...someone she trusts...you know." Mulder nodded and returned to the office. He sat down and watched her sleep. Mulder was drifting off himself when Scully awakened with a start. She sat up and looked around, panicked. Her eyes fell on Mulder. He smiled gently. "How are you doing?" he asked softly. He was shocked when, despite the clear glass windows of Colbert's office and the proximity of the other agents, she literally threw herself into his arms. He had to react quickly to prevent her from falling to the floor. "Mulder," she whispered over and over against his chest. He rubbed her back soothingly with one hand and returned the force of her embrace with the other. "It's alright, Scully. I'm here. I've got you. You're safe." "Mulder, I have never been so glad to see anyone or anything in my entire life." "It's over, Scully," he repeated. "You're perfectly safe." "He shot me, Mulder," she began but stopped. "I gathered that from the blood in your apartment. Where were you hit?" "Shoulder," she whispered. "Did you read my statement?" she added, still in a whisper after a beat. She felt him nod. She pulled him closer. "How long Mulder?" "How long what, Scully? I don't understand." "How long was I gone?" "You don't know?" "The man who found me on the road had to tell me what state I was in. I was going to ask him the date but I got distracted...." "It was two months, Scully. Exactly seven weeks and three days." She stiffened in his arms. "Oh my God," she whispered. "How much of it were you conscious for...I mean, did the gun shot keep you out for long?" "I don't know, Mulder. It didn't seem like two months...I suppose it could have been. The gunshot wasn't particularly well healed, I remember, when I woke up. I think he kept me drugged for a while. At least coming out here. I don't remember that at all." "It's over, Scully. You're safe now." There was a long pause while Scully relaxed in his arms. "Where's Skinner?" "At the crime scene." Scully flinched. "They found the house?" "I don't know. They went to look for it. Mr. Jenkins took them out to where he picked you up. He seemed like a nice man." She nodded. Mulder saw tears come to her eyes as a worried expression crossed her face. "Mulder, we have to call my mother...Pete...the man who picked me up...he said this had been on the news..." He interrupted her gently, "I called your mother before we left Washington and told her you had been found uninjured. I said we'd call her when we got back to Washington and that it might be several days. I told her there would be a lot of debriefing and all that. She bought it. The stuff on the news was very innocuous--'FBI Agent kidnapped by government mole' is how it ran. It was made to sound political...you know, anti-government terrorism. Your mom wasn't too scared. She handled it well and seemed satisfied that I told her you were found. The only thing she asked was if I was absolutely positive it was you. When I said I had spoken to you and you were fine, that was enough for her. Your mom is fine." Scully nodded again, obviously relieved. Mulder had known she would want to be considerably more together before she talked to her mom. When she spoke again, her voice was sleepy, "Mulder, I want to leave. Can we leave?" "Absolutely. When ever you are ready." "Now." "Ok," he began to rise, pulling her gently with him. "Let's go." She literally clung to him out the office door, down the hallway, and to the front of the building. This behavior frightened him more than anything he could imagine might have happened to her. Scully does not 'cling.' He was looking at her, concerned, when Colbert intercepted them. At his inquisitive expression, Mulder explained. "I'm taking her to our hotel to get some real sleep. Call me there if Skinner needs me." Colbert nodded, "I was just coming to tell you he called and said they were headed back. They can't find the house. They'll need Agent Scully's help with that. Tomorrow would be best...since we can't confirm Andrew Ryan is dead. If he's still alive...." "I am not asking Scully to lead us to that house tomorrow. I may not do it at all...." he began angrily. Scully interrupted him, "It's ok, Colbert. I'll come out with Skinner tomorrow. I think I can find it. It's pretty far back in the woods. I ran for hours at a dead run. It might take a while. If you've got some ATV's, that would be easier." Her voice was calm, steady. But Mulder felt her trembling against him. He knew better than to argue with her there. "I'll look forward to seeing you tomorrow then, Agent Scully. Welcome back." She nodded and Mulder led her away. "I'd like to thank Mr. Jenkins tomorrow. That's why I want to go, Mulder. I can handle it." "This is your call, Scully. You're in control. We do everything your way, ok? I'll be there with you." She smiled weakly at him. "Thanks, Mulder. I don't want to argue." "No one is going to argue with you, Scully." He paused as he opened the car door for her. Entering the other side, he said, "I brought some of your clothes with me. And your make-up, shampoo, all that stuff. You can change when we get back to the hotel...maybe a nice bubble bath. I brought that too." "Jesus," she looked at him, tears in her eyes. "Thank you, Mulder. Let's hurry. I would really like...anything familiar at this point..." she trailed off. "What do you want me to pick up to eat on the way back to the hotel? I saw chicken, fish, burgers, pizza..." "I'm not hungry, Mulder." "I understand that. But I also understand you haven't eaten anything today. I want you to eat just one thing from whatever restaurant you choose--a hamburger, fries, one slice of pizza. Even one of those ice cream things. Just one thing to humor your partner, please." His attitude made Scully uncomfortable. "I can't believe you're not yelling at me to eat or go to the hospital," she observed. "Scully, the last thing you need is for me to tell you what to do or give you a hard time. I can't bully you into eating or anything else. I thought I'd try begging. Is it working?" "I suppose so Mulder. How about a pizza? One of those disgusting things you like. Are you going to eat too?" "Definitely, I'm starving." There were several minutes of silence as Mulder drove. "Aren't you going to ask about my statement?" Her voice was fearful. It broke Mulder's heart. He answered evenly. "Well, you know I saw some inconsistencies in it or you wouldn't be asking. I don't blame you for not telling them everything. They don't need to know it and they probably wouldn't believe half of it. I know you'll tell me when you're ready, if you think I need to know. I trust you to tell me if it's something you want to tell me, Scully. I'm not going to pressure you. And I trust you to believe that I will listen to anything you want to tell me. If it helps to talk about it, I'll listen. If not, I won't push you." "Thank you, Mulder," she whispered. "You don't have to thank me. All I need is to know you're safe. My whole world is back in order just knowing that." She smiled. A real smile. He cherished the sight. "Scully, I'd like to ask you to promise me one thing. Will you listen to my request?" "Of course, Mulder." "I don't want to do anything to upset you...remind you of...Will you tell me if I do? Tell me what it was?" "I will, Mulder, I promise. But nothing about being around you will remind me of Ryan. I promise you that too." They arrived at the hotel and Mulder showed Scully to the rooms they had rented. Scully smiled inwardly when Mulder made a point of giving her the key. She entered the room and noticed her suitcase on the bed. Glancing at Mulder, she went straight for it. She pulled out some bath products and her pajamas while Mulder picked up the phone to order the pizza. "I'm going to take a bath, Mulder." He tone was questioning. It sounded to Mulder as if she were asking for permission. His jaw clenched and he cursed Ryan for the millionth time today alone. "Whatever you want, Scully. I'll call you when the pizza gets here." She nodded and headed for the bathroom. Mulder listened to the water run and felt lonely already. He still hadn't completely convinced himself that she was really back. He couldn't imagine how she felt. He wanted desperately to hold her and never let her go. He wanted to touch her. He really wanted to kiss her. But he didn't need to be a psychologist to know you couldn't kiss a woman who held been held against her will for two months and probably repeatedly sexually assaulted. God, he wished he knew exactly what happened. Mulder looked at the time. The pizza was late and Scully had been in the bath for over half an hour. He considered knocking on the bathroom door when he heard a knock on the hotel room door. He paid for the pizza and, standing by the bathroom door, called to Scully, "The pizza is here, Scully." No answer. "Surely that water is cold by now, Scully." "I'll be out in a minute, Mulder." Her voice sounded tired. "When ever you're ready, Scully." He returned to the table in the room and sat down. Opening the pizza box, he munched on a piece absently while he stared at the bathroom door. A few minutes later, she emerged in her pajamas with her hair still wet. With no make-up on, in the thin satin pajamas, Scully looked so young and vulnerable. He lowered his eyes. She walked over and sat next to him silently. She looked at the pizza for a moment before picking up a piece. The look on her face was one of controlled stoicism. Resolutely, she began to eat it. He gently pulled her hand down and she looked at him confused. "Scully, if you really don't want it, I don't want you to force yourself. I want you to feel free to do what you want. I'm just concerned because I know you couldn't have eaten today." She looked down. "One of the things Ryan...wanted...he was...." She stopped, trying to figure out how to phrase this. "He told me Spender had ordered him to kill me." Scully had obviously not included this in her statement. She heard him gasp. Very few things caught Mulder off guard. "Ryan said he couldn't do it...because he said...he loved me." Mulder's fists clenched. "So he kidnapped me instead...he wanted to prove to me he loved me." She didn't continue. "That part was in your statement," Mulder prompted. "He wanted...everything...to seem like a happy home," she choked on the words. "At first I refused to cooperate. There was no way I was going to let him think I might...." She stopped again, shaking her head. She drew a deep breath. "But unless I cooperated to some extent...I'd never get an opportunity to escape. He had me handcuffed to the bed." Mulder closed his eyes. "For weeks, I think." He opened his eyes again and stared at her in shock. Slowly, so as not to startle her, he reached for her hand. She let him pull it toward him and push up the sleeve. There were deep scars on her wrists, still red and angry, from where the cuffs had eventually cut into them. "One of the easiest...least offensive...things I could do was eat peacefully with him." She paused. "But even that was hard." Mulder nodded. She ate a bite of the pizza. "I am not going to develop an eating disorder because of this," she said with determination. "Besides, it's very nice to eat something that reminds me of you." "Pizza reminds you of me?" he laughed softly. She nodded seriously. "Ryan knows you extremely well. At least as well as I do. It was shocking." She paused again and continued almost inaudibly, "One of the things Ryan was careful to do was to keep things that might remind me of you out of the house. Foods we ate together frequently...the types of clothes you wear, he avoided...little things. He kept things I was accustomed to away from me too." She gestured to the clothes on the bathroom floor. "When did you ever see me in khaki pants and a pink blouse? Pink, Mulder. Pink and this hair!" She paused again and looked down. "It was amazing the affect it had." She took another bite of pizza. Mulder stared at her trying to keep the pain from showing in his eyes. He knew that it was extremely important to her recovery that she talk about the experience. "Can you talk to me about that? Do you want to?" She closed her eyes. "Mulder, the only thing that kept me sane was thinking about you. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of you holding me again," she whispered. "I'm no psychologist. I know one of the goals of cults is to isolate new members so they can indoctrinate them more effectively. I suppose that's how it felt. I can't really describe it." "I think I understand. I know I've spent at least as much time in your apartment as I have my own the last two months. I needed your things around...to help me feel connected to you...to help me maintain some level of hope. The first time you were missing, that necklace meant so much to me. I'm surprised he didn't know it's significance to me. A lot of people do..." She looked at him sharply. "He tried to take it away. He threw it away...in the trash. I was handcuffed and there was very little I could do to fight him so I refused to eat or drink anything. After a few days, when I didn't back down, I think he thought I was going to die. He went out into the trash and got it back out. He put it in a locked drawer and said if I'd eat, he'd let me see it again. He let me wear it later, in exchange for..." she trailed off and shook her head slightly, as if remembering what she was saying and to whom. Mulder forced himself not to react. "That's how it was though," she continued after a few seconds. "When he figured out something I wanted, I had to...'earn it,' as he put it. But that worked both ways. He wanted a happy little home life. A pretty little compliant, obedient, happy wife," she spat the word. "Well, I got some concessions in exchange for that act." She ate the rest of the slice of pizza in silence without looking at him. "I can't really think about this right now, Mulder. Much less talk about it," she said finally. "You don't have to talk about it with me now or ever, Scully." She picked up another slice of pizza. He tried not to call attention to how pleased he was that she was eating. "Tell me what you're working on right now," she said idly. "Do you have a case open?" "Are you kidding?" he stared at her, shock plainly evident on his face. She looked confused. "The only case I'm working on is your disappearance, Scully! Do you think I could go chasing after flukemen while you are missing? The X Files are temporarily closed at my request. I asked for a temporary transfer to VCS so I could head up this investigation. Skinner and I have been working on nothing else. He even asked for the appointment of an acting AD and took a leave from that position so he could be in the field full-time. He's not a half bad partner. I can actually get along with him, mostly." "I can't believe that," she said, staring. "That I can get along with Skinner?" "No, that you'd abandon the X Files...that Skinner would leave his position even temporarily...that the Bureau would dedicate that amount of resources for one agent...." "Scully, the Bureau wouldn't abandon an agent without a search. And there were leads...as long as we had something to investigate, they were certainly going to keep the investigation open." "But Skinner..." she trailed off. "Skinner would do nearly anything I would do where you are concerned...Scully look at me." She did. "You are far and away more important to me than the damn X Files. Surely you know that. I couldn't have worked them without you. I couldn't have survived a lot longer without you." They both jumped at the knock on the door. Mulder rose and looked through the peephole "Skinner," he said looking at Scully questioningly. She nodded and Mulder opened the door. Skinner entered and looked at Scully with a mixture of emotions that Mulder couldn't read. Mulder's surprise increased when Scully slowly stood, crossed over to him, and walked into his embrace. For a moment Skinner laid his cheek against the top of her head and held her tightly. Noting her partner's amazed expression, he released her and stepped back. Fixing her with a stern glare, he said, "You said on the phone you were uninjured. Got it. Now tell me how you feel. And don't say 'fine' or you won't be." Mulder moved to intervene. He didn't want Skinner to push Scully. He was astonished by her response-completely honest and unguarded. "I'm better now that Mulder is here." She laid her hand on his shoulder, "And you. It makes it easier to have people I can trust around. I'm still pretty shaky though. Frankly, I still feel pretty nauseous." Skinner looked at her sympathetically. "Just wait until it really sinks in. Then you'll know what feeling sick means. The worst is yet to come, Scully. You know that." She nodded and Mulder looked as if he might kill Skinner for the way he was speaking to her. "In a few months, you and I can have a drink and compare Post-Traumatic Stress stories again. I bet I can still top yours." His tone was sardonic. She actually laughed, albeit bitterly. "Not much is going to top some of the stories you already told me about 'Nam. But you have to admit. I'm catching up with you here." His expression turned sour and he pulled her back against him. "Yeah, you are. We have to do something about that." She nodded but didn't pull away. He held her for a moment before whispering in her ear, "I think Mulder is going to pop a vein over there. This warrants an explanation, Scully, before he hits me." She smiled up at him and stepped back. When she turned and looked at Mulder, she burst out laughing...uncontrollably. He was looking at them as if he'd never seen them before-as if they had mysteriously appeared from the thin air in his hotel room. At her laughter, his expression changed to one of utter confusion and frustration. She sobered up. "I'm sorry, Mulder. This must look pretty strange to you." His eyes widened. 'Strange!' he thought. 'My partner, Dr. I'm Fine, is exchanging emotional platitudes with my cold-as-ice-hard-as-stone boss, who I didn't even think she completely trusted up until now!' He bit back the words. They sounded accusatory and Scully certainly didn't need to be judged right now. "I'll admit this situation strikes me as somewhat out of character for both of you," he said neutrally. "Skinner and I got into a fight right after my cancer went into remission," she began by way of explanation. They both knew that each remembered the circumstances surrounding Skinner and Scully during her battle with cancer. Mulder knew more than she did actually-he knew about Skinner's deal with the devil. "We yelled some pretty harsh things at each other...pretty personal things. It ended up being a really good conversation about trauma...a good opportunity to vent. It was cathartic actually. We found out we have a lot in common. And then when he was shot...and when he was so sick last year..." she trailed off. "It's alright, Scully. You don't owe me an explanation. I was just a little surprised." Mulder said this staring at Skinner. Skinner returned his gaze evenly. Then he became all business. He pulled Scully's ID from his overcoat and handed it to her. She nodded. "Thank you, sir." She took the ID and crossed to her bag on the bed. She pulled out the overcoat Mulder had packed and put the ID in its inner pocket. Skinner had followed her across the room. When she straightened, he proffered her service weapon and held it in the air between them. "You tell me, Scully. Honest assessment-should I give this to you?" She looked at the gun and slowly shook her head. "I think you or Mulder ought to keep that for a few days. I don't want to overreact and shoot someone. I could see that happening right now." Skinner handed the gun to Mulder. The stern gaze was back on Skinner's face, "When I checked in with Colbert, he said you were going to lead us to the house tomorrow. I want you to reconsider that, Scully." She sighed, "I have, sir. But you will never find that house without my help. Trees come right up to the door and walls of the house so you'll never spot by air. And without knowing exactly what direction I went, you'll never find it aimlessly wandering through that forest." He still looked skeptical. "I'll be fine, sir. There will be a dozen agents there." "That's not the issue, Scully, and you know it. Can you go back into that house? Do you want to see Ryan's body?" "No, but I don't have a choice...and, well, did you read my statement, sir?" He nodded so she continued, "Alright, what if Ryan is still alive?" Skinner stared at her. "He could be. I wasn't exactly thinking when I put the Draino in his coffee. I don't know how much I put in there or how much he drank. Enough to make him choke, that is certain. It's also certain that any amount would be enough to injure him...the question is, how badly? I have no idea what Draino would actually do if ingested. Thank God I've never seen anything like that. It would certainly erode the esophagus and stomach if it made it that far. I doubt it did. But neither of those things would necessarily kill him. If he aspirated it when he was choking, that would make the injury much worse, but even that, depending on the quantity, wouldn't necessarily kill him. We need to find him...quickly." Skinner was shaking his head. Until he spoke, Scully assumed the description of what she had done to his former friend had upset him. "Scully, the fact that you even would think of that bastard's well being at this point is a testament to your humanity. Are you sure he's worth going out there? Think about this Scully-is this Stockholm Syndrome talking." "No! Absolutely not. I'm a doctor and a law enforcement officer. I don't want to be responsible for killing anyone. That's all. And I want to find him. Alive or dead, I want to know where he is." "Ok, I understand. You two get some rest then. Colbert wants to start at first light tomorrow. I'm warning you, Scully. Brace yourself for dealing with him. He's not reacting well to the idea of his former agent being a kidnapper. He doesn't buy your story and he's going to want to find evidence in that house that you were held against your will. He is not going to be easy to deal with." "I already got that impression when he took my statement, sir. I can handle it." Mulder's expression turned deadly at Skinner's comment. "What in the hell do you mean he's 'not buying' Scully's story? We witnessed Ryan attack her and the next day there was blood all over her apartment and Ryan's bloody fingerprints. That's public knowledge. What more does he need?" Skinner looked at Scully. "This is not the place, Mulder." His inference was clear and Mulder realized he was right. Scully didn't need to have it even occur to her that she might be charged in this case and have to defend herself again. Unfortunately, they were too late. "Colbert suggested to me that the scene in my apartment might have been staged so that Ryan and I could run off together," Scully said quietly. Both Mulder and Skinner looked at her, enraged. It was Skinner who pulled it together and spoke first. "He actually said that to you?" "He said he thought it was unbelievable and illogical that a respected FBI agent would or could kidnap another agent but then not be violent physically or sexually. He said the only motives to remove someone to a secondary crime scene were torture, rape, murder, or ransom. None of those were apparently the case here." Mulder and Skinner were still staring. "He actually said that to the victim of a violent crime while taking their statement?! That's absolutely incredible," Skinner marveled. "He said I wasn't reacting like a victim." "What?!" "He asked me why I wasn't crying or fearful while giving my statement if I had been held against my will and shot. He said my behavior was suspicious." "He actually said that exactly--that your behavior was 'suspicious? Did he read you your Miranda rights, Scully?" "He never actually accused me of anything." "The hell he didn't. Has either of you ever questioned anyone like that? Does this sound like following procedure to you? We need to get that statement thrown out tomorrow. I'm calling a lawyer." Skinner was furious. Mulder was still too dumbfounded to speak. "I actually already told him I wouldn't say anything further to him until he let me call a lawyer. So he let me and legal services sent someone...so did counseling. That pretty much shut him down." Mulder and Skinner couldn't reply. They just stared. "As far as the statement goes...I read it and signed it. I have no problems with the way it's recorded." Mulder finally spoke in a tightly controlled voice. "Well, after hearing this, I do. There is nothing in your statement, Scully, about handcuffs for example. Did you tell him that part?" Skinner now stared at Mulder. "I didn't get extremely detailed...." "It's a statement, Scully. A legal document...it's supposed to be specific. Colbert was criminally negligent in his handling of this case so far." He looked at Skinner. "You're right. I am filing a formal complaint with Internal Affairs tomorrow. I hope you'll back me up." "I certainly will." He paused. "Handcuffs?" he inquired quietly. Mulder responded angrily, nodding. "No effort was made to gather evidence, here." He pulled Scully's arm in front of Skinner. "Did you see any pictures of this in that file?" he asked pulling Scully's sleeves up. She flinched, but neither man noticed. "How about of the gunshot wound? Oh, but wait, that was 'staged.' I suppose that she just stood there and let Ryan shoot her so they could have a nice bloody scene. And who in the hell would stage something like that anyway? If you're running away, you do it quietly. Not with bloody scenes." "I think the implication was that I kidnapped him and then killed him when he refused to accept my advances," Scully replied quietly. "That's insane," Mulder and Skinner yelled at once. "Besides," Mulder added, "it's your blood at the crime scene." "I understand there wasn't much blood. Colbert inferred that Ryan might have bloodied my nose when I was trying to subdue him." Mulder lost it. "He inferred...! Ryan, a 175 pound, 6 foot 2 inch, able-bodied, armed, trained, male, Federal Agent was subdued by a 100 pound, 5 foot 2 inch, unarmed, woman and all the damage he could muster was a bloody nose?! Well then we didn't loose much of an agent! Good work, Scully." He turned back to Skinner. "This is too much!" Skinner interrupted him in a calm voice, "We need to take her statement again and get some pictures of those scars and the gunshot wound for the evidence file. Scully, I didn't like the idea of you going back to the house, but for your own sake I must insist that you do now. I'm sorry, but I need you to point out to Mulder and me any evidence that might prove you were being held against your will. You are obviously going to have to defend yourself here." "I can't, sir. I can't prove he held me against my will beyond arguing that he shot me, handcuffed me, and kept me in a house with bars and locks. I can't prove he raped me because he didn't. I can't prove he was physically violent because he wasn't." She sounded exhausted. Skinner backed off. "Ok, Scully. We'll just see what we find in the house. But we have to take pictures of those scars. I know you refused to go to the hospital. I strongly recommend you reconsider that." "I might, sir," she said only to get him to drop it. "I hope so. In the morning, then." He nodded and left. Mulder started in immediately. "Scully why didn't you tell me about the way Colbert treated you?" "Because I knew you'd react this way and it wouldn't have helped my case or reflected well on me if my partner went off and beat up the SAC of the Salt Lake City field office." "Alright, I'll grant you that," he said more calmly. "But I'm concerned and I need to ask you this--do you understand the seriousness of this situation?" "Yes, Mulder," she said tiredly. "Explain it to me. I need to be certain you do." She closed her eyes. "Colbert wants to see me charged with assault, kidnapping, and murder if Ryan is dead. I could get the death penalty if I'm convicted of those charges." Mulder stared. She got it, alright. "How do you feel about that, Scully?" he asked, concerned that she was so matter-of-fact. "I don't feel anything, Mulder. Nothing at all." He nodded solemnly, "Ok, Scully. I'll let it drop. Skinner and I can take care of it. You take care of yourself." "That's what I counted on, Mulder. I know you and Skinner will take care of it. I trust that." There was a pause as Mulder contemplated her sadly. He couldn't believe all she'd been forced to endure "We both need some rest, Scully. Let's try to get some sleep, ok?" His brow furrowed at the look of panic that flashed across her face at the suggestion of going to bed. She quickly concealed it, however, and Mulder didn't think that pushing her for an explanation would be a good idea. She nodded and he turned to go to his own room. "Mulder," she stopped him, following him to the door. He turned and looked at her. She lowered her eyes, "Please stay in here tonight...I don't want...I can't be alone." Her voice was a whisper. Mulder knew that under the best of circumstances it would cost Scully a lot to admit she needed company-a protector. These were not the best of circumstances. "I don't want to be without you tonight either. Let me change and brush my teeth and I'll be right back, ok? I'll leave the door open." He passed through the connecting door between their rooms. While she waited, on impulse, she opened the outside door of her room and looked at the night sky. Even in a big city like Salt Lake, the stars were brighter than they were in Washington. The air was cold and crisp. When Mulder came back into her room, she was leaning against the door with her eyes closed, obviously enjoying the slight breeze, despite how cold it was. He walked up to her but hesitated. She hadn't given any sign of noticing him and he didn't want to frighten her. "Scully?" he whispered gently. She jumped anyway, eyes flying open. "I'm sorry. I tried not to startle you." He rubbed his hands up and down her arms. She was cold. She shook her head. "I was just enjoying the privilege of doors that I can open myself," she said sardonically. His expression immediately changed to one of grief. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that..." she bit her lip and walked over to the bed. "Scully?" "Hmm?" she responded absently, pulling back the comforter. "You know Skinner is going to figure out I stayed in here tonight. Is that ok with you?" "Mulder, Skinner would be an idiot if he thought you weren't. Even if we hadn't been involved before...and remember that he knew that we were...I would have asked you to stay with me. All things considered, I'm doing pretty well, Mulder. I mean, I gave my statement without bursting into tears, I can talk about Ryan without loosing it. But I am scared to death. I don't feel safe. I need someone who can make me feel safe. That's you, Mulder. Like it or not," she smiled ruefully at him. "I like it, Scully. Seriously, I'm very glad that you can feel safe with me, even after all you've been through." "Always, Mulder." She climbed into the bed and crawled under the covers. Suddenly Mulder felt uncomfortable. It must have been written on his face because Scully laughed and reached out her hand to him. "I'm not dangerous, Mulder. You've got the gun, remember?" He let her pull him toward her onto the bed. "I just don't want to do anything to push you." He was surprised when she snuggled even closer to him. "You couldn't do anything to push me Mulder. More than anything on Earth right now, I need to be close to you." He lightly put his arm across her waist-the only place he could put it, given their proximity. He suddenly realized how small a woman Scully was. Pressed against her as he was, he enveloped her entire body. He gently caressed her hair, enjoying the scent of her shampoo. Her face was buried against his chest, but she seemed to be breathing very fast. He caressed her neck so as to afford himself the opportunity to feel her pulse. It was racing. "What is frightening you? Can you talk about it, Scully?" he asked very softly. She shook her head. "Will you tell me if it's something I'm doing?" She shook her head again. He sighed, frustrated. "You won't tell me or it's not something I'm doing." She sighed as well and pulled away from him the slightest bit so she could see his face. "It's not you, Mulder. It's the situation." "Being in bed?" She nodded. "Because he handcuffed you to the bed in the house...?" She bit her lip and tears came to her eyes. "Ok," he said firmly. "We're not going to talk about this. I said I wouldn't push you..." "I can tell you. You're not pushing me," she interrupted quietly. It sounded very much like she was trying to convince herself. Mulder decided to just shut up and let her talk if she wanted and sleep if she could. After a few minutes, she said, "I told you he made me do things to 'earn privileges.'" She paused and he nodded. "Well, obviously one of the privileges was to loose the handcuffs." She closed her eyes. "One of the things I...had to prove to him I'd do was..." she trailed off and Mulder could tell she was breathing even harder. Tears were in her eyes. She took a deep breath. "He made me sleep next to him. He didn't do anything," she added quickly. "He just slept with me...with me in the bed...handcuffed to the bed. It was sick, Mulder. Terrifying. Just because he didn't do anything one night didn't seem like much of a guarantee that he wouldn't the next. He slept next me, against me. He put his arm around me...innocent things. But...I couldn't even stop him from doing that..." The tears began to fall. He remained silent, knowing it would only help her to talk about it. "I've never felt so trapped in my life. Smothered. His arm over me...he whispered things...I could feel his breath on my hair...neck. I could smell him. It was overwhelming...sensory overload...He said that when I convinced him I wanted to be there, he'd take off the cuffs. At first I refused to even try. I screamed, bit him more than once..." subconsciously, she rubbed her wrists. "But it hurt...the cuffs hurt my wrists and my shoulder, and if I was going to get out of there, I couldn't be handcuffed to the bed...and handcuffed to the bed I had no hope of defending myself if he.... So, eventually I cooperated." She stopped. There was a long silence. Finally, Mulder broke it. "You know you did the right thing, Scully," he whispered. "The first priority of a hostage situation is to gain the perpetrator's trust and get in a position to formulate an escape. You did what you had to in order to escape. You took control of the situation in the only way control was available to you. You know that." "I was so scared, Mulder," she whispered against his chest. "I was too, Scully. I couldn't do anything. We didn't get a single, worthwhile lead. If you hadn't been as strong as you were...if you hadn't made your own escape...we might have never...." His voice broke. She looked at him and was shocked to see tears streaming down his face as well. He caressed her cheek. "What ever you had to do to escape, Scully, it was worth it. We didn't have a single clue." She looked back down, "I hope you're right, Mulder, that it was worth it. I'm not sure you are right. I don't feel like it was worth it at this moment." Her inference seemed clear to him and he needed to get it out in the open. "Scully, I want to ask you something and I want you to consider giving me a yes or no answer. That's all. You don't have to talk about it right now. You don't have to answer either. But I have to ask. I know the report says you state he didn't...assault you...sexually. I'm sorry, Scully. I don't believe that. I won't insist you change the report, but I'm asking you to be honest with me because it affects me. Did he...sexually assault you, Scully?" "I told you and Skinner already. He didn't rape me," she replied quietly. She sounded evasive. If she used this tone with Colbert, he could see how someone unaccustomed to dealing with kidnap and rape victims might not understand her attitude. He rephrased his question. "Ok, Scully, he didn't hold you down or put his gun to your head. Did he somehow force you...was one of his conditions for something...did he manipulate you into having...intercourse... with him?" Scully was stock still in his arms, her body rigid, her eyes tightly closed. "Mulder...I can't do this...I can't talk about this...." She finally whispered. "Will you answer yes or no without talking about it?" "I'd rather not," she whispered. Her voice sounded frightened. "Ok," he sighed. "That's ok. I'm not trying to push you. I just...never mind. I don't want to upset you Scully." She was trembling violently in his arms. He had gone too far. That was crystal clear. "Shhh," he whispered, rocking her slightly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me a thing, Scully. You know that..." "Mulder, I don't want you to think I don't trust you...I don't want you to..." "I don't think that, Scully," he interrupted. "I know you trust me. You're letting me hold you. That in itself takes a lot more trust than most people could muster after what you've been through. I made a mistake asking you that. I'm sorry. I should have known better. I'm letting my anger at Ryan think for me rather than my brain. You have nothing to prove to me, Scully, by telling me anything. I don't need you to prove you trust me. I know that. I'll keep my big mouth shut. I'm sorry." He held her and rubbed her back soothingly until she stopped trembling. "The bedroom door was locked-with a deadbolt," she finally said very quietly. "What?" he sounded confused. "In the house?" he asked. She nodded and continued, "Even after I convinced him to take off the cuffs, I still couldn't get out of the bedroom. I tried jumping him once when he came in. That earned me several more days with the handcuffs." She was silent again. Mulder began to see that this narrative was going to get worse and worse but knew it was important that Scully vocalize what happened to her. It would help her accept it. "So getting out of the bedroom was another of his little privileges with a price?" he prompted. She nodded again. "I couldn't escape out the windows in the bedroom. They were barred. The report probably says that. I needed into the house. I needed the keys to the doors. He kept the bedroom key with him in the bedroom and the outside door key hidden in the house somewhere. I needed out there to find it. Or to find some other way out. Whatever." She stopped again. "Sounds reasonable," he prompted again. "But I found out that, when I did what he wanted to open the bedroom door, he wasn't going to let me out there alone. There was a separate 'price' for that. I could hardly search the house right in front of him. There was a price for everything. For getting to choose my own clothes, for getting to choose my own dinner or lunch, for getting to spend time alone...everything had a price." She closed her eyes and took a breath. Pulling back from him, she opened her eyes and looked at him evenly. He braced himself. "In most instances, the 'price' was sexual in nature." She held his eyes. She wore the expression she did when discussing the gruesome details of an autopsy. A professional, hard, here-are-the-facts type of expression. He knew she needed that professional front. It put distance between her and reality. "I assumed that," he answered in the same tone of voice-professional and calm. He knew the facade would break eventually. She nodded and looked down. "The original price for getting into the rest of the house was letting him kiss me...touch me." She paused again. "Going out into the living room alone...free reign of the house unsupervised." She looked at him to see if he understood. He looked confused. "Sex with him...actually having intercourse with him...was the price for free reign of the house. Each individual time I wanted to go into the rest of the house alone," she explained with the professional, hard, here- are-the-facts expression. But it was punctuated by nearly uncontrollable shaking. When she finished, she bit her lip and looked down. When he said nothing, she continued in a low voice. "Of course, it only took me two or three times in the rest of the house to figure out there was nothing of use in it. So he changed the rules again. Whatever. To answer your question succinctly, yes. In a variety of ways he coerced me to have sex with him. Repeatedly. He never simply raped me. He coerced me." "There's a difference?" Mulder breathed, unable to bite back the comment. His tone revealed all the emotions his controlled expression endeavored to conceal-rage, disgust, sickness, anguish. If he thought that seeing his emotions-letting his professional front slip-would cause her to fall apart, he was wrong. She didn't break. She merely nodded and answered him offhandedly, "Yeap, there's a difference. Difference is: I feel even dirtier than if he'd just raped me because I agreed to it. He made me ask him for it." He stared at her and opened his mouth to speak. She interrupted him. "Difference is: rape happens relatively quickly and then the man runs away and the woman gets left alone to heal. In this case, everything went nice and slow as he kissed me, and touched me...and when he was done, I had to sleep next to him...wake up next to him and tell him 'good morning.' I had to do that every morning for weeks. Yeah, I'd say there's quite a difference, Mulder." "Jesus, Scully. I'm sorry. I..."he stared at her completely slack- jawed and shook his head. She turned her back to him. "Can we get some sleep now?" Her voice sounded exhausted. "Scully," he whispered. She interrupted him. "Don't, Mulder. Go to sleep." He was silent. "Ok, Scully," he said quietly. "I'm going to get something in the other room and I'll be right back, alright?" "Fine, Mulder. Whatever." He slipped out of the bed and padded into his own room. Scully fought to regain control. She had managed to tell Mulder without falling apart. She knew from the beginning that she would have to tell him...that he would never believe her statement to SAC Colbert. She had wanted to keep it together when she told him. She had. Now she had to get to sleep before she ruined it and broke down. She tried to calm her breathing and relax. She had almost succeeded when she realized that Mulder had been gone a long time. "Mulder?" she called. No response. Brow furrowed, she threw off the covers and went into his room. It was dark. She flipped on the light. He wasn't there. She saw the light in the bathroom. The door was closed. "Mulder," she called again, standing outside the bathroom door, "are you alright?" "Yeah, Scully. I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute. Go back to bed. You need some sleep." His voice was rough. She went over and sat on the bed in his room to wait for him rather than going back to the bed in the other room. The fact that she had a choice to do as she wished and stay in the room instead of what she was told and go back to bed struck her out of the blue. She let out a long breath. She was amazed by how many little things there were that seemed so important. She looked up when the light in the bathroom turned off and the door opened. Mulder stepped out of the bathroom and leaned on the wall. Scully stood up and moved toward him. Even in the dim light, he looked sick. He wiped his hand across his face. "Mulder, what's wrong?" she whispered, looking up at him. She put her hand on his forehead. "Are you sick?" "I thought you were in bed." He turned from her. She pulled him back around. "I stayed in here. I was worried about you. What's wrong, Mulder?" She pulled his hands from his face. His eyes were red, swollen, and full of tears. "Mulder!" she whispered, caressing his cheek, worry in her eyes. He turned away again. "I'm sorry, Scully. I don't want to upset you...make this worse for you...I can't handle this...I can't even imagine how you are so calm...." he shook his head again. "I'm hysterical and I didn't live through..." He stopped and took a deep breath, closing his eyes and leaning against the wall again. "I really feel sick." "Ok, Mulder. Come on, let's go sit on the bed." She led him to the bed and pushed him down on it. "Try to take nice deep breaths. Just relax." She sat next to him on the bed and caressed his temple with her thumb. After a few minutes, he opened his eyes and looked at her sorrowfully. "I'm so sorry, Scully. I didn't intend for you to see this. You certainly shouldn't have to comfort me." "It's ok, Mulder." She looked down. "The first time he...we..." "I get it." "Thanks," she whispered but continued in a stronger voice. "Afterwards, I convinced him to let me take a shower. I told him I was sweaty. I suppose I'm lucky he didn't want to shower with me..." the thought had obviously just occurred to her. She shuddered unconsciously. "Anyway...I went in the shower and puked my guts out. I've never felt so sick. I'm fortunate he didn't hear me. I think it's a safe bet that my reaction would have offended him and God only knows what he would have done then." She paused and continued in an even softer voice. "The second time, I thought it would be easier. I don't know why I thought that. I was wrong though. I still got sick. Every time." She looked at him. He had tears in his eyes again. "I wouldn't feel so bad about your reaction Mulder. It wasn't any worse than mine." "I didn't live through it. I should be comforting you. Not the other way around." "I know this isn't easy for you to hear, Mulder." "Was it easy for you to live?" "Of course not," she said quietly. "It was hell, Mulder." "How can you be so calm? Why even bother to be?" "Because when I loose it, Mulder, I'm going to loose it big time. And I can't afford that yet. Not until we're home. Not until I feel a little safer." "Scully, you're running on adrenaline and a healthy case of denial." "I assure you, Mulder, I'm not in denial. I feel...I can't even begin to explain how I feel. But I feel better with you. I feel better with your arms around me..." "Scully, when we were in bed, you were scared to death. That's what started this...." "It was the memory of Ryan. It was not you. It was nothing you did." "Scully...." She put her finger over his mouth. "No, Mulder, listen to me. For the last two months, while Ryan did everything he could to isolate me from you, you were all I could think about. The hope of getting back to you was the only thing that kept me going...Remembering making love to you..." her eyes drifted to his lips..."When he was touching me, if I could focus on you, I could block it out. The only hope I have of making it past this is you, Mulder." Before he realized what she was doing, she leaned down and kissed him, a passionate kiss. Her tongue pushed against his lips and he opened his mouth and returned the kiss hungrily. She leaned against his body and he pulled her to him. He reveled in the feeling of her small, warm hands against his chest. He ran his hand through her hair. After two months without being cut, her hair was longer than she had worn it in years. He liked it longer...always had. She moaned in anticipation as his hands moved down her back. He froze and gently pulled away from her. "Scully, you know we can't do this." "Mulder, I'm fine. I want this." "I can't tell you how much I do. But you know it can't happen. It won't help. It won't make you forget or feel better..." "I don't expect to forget Mulder..." "I won't do this. Not until you've had some time...." "Mulder, all I want is to kiss you...hold you...be held. Not because I think it will make me forget or provide some type of escape. Because I love you and I've missed you. I need you around me. Please kiss me." He searched her eyes. "Mulder, when I was in that house, I was afraid of Ryan and of what he might do to me physically, but I was most afraid that with his connections he could pull off his threat to keep us apart. That's what frightened me the most. That I'd never see you again. That's what I'm reacting to now. Please kiss me." He pulled her face to his and kissed her softly. **** Scully was exhausted. That was obvious to both Mulder and Skinner. They had been walking for hours. Scully had shown them the dirt road she had followed and they drove up it until she saw a point she thought she recognized. The place where she had emerged from the woods. They had spread out and started walking. Scully estimated that she had run through the woods for about two hours. If she were correct, they'd have to walk about four hours to the house. They had been walking about that long. Mulder saw Scully freeze. He followed the direction of her gaze. "There's the house," he yelled. The other agents and the local PD ran towards the house. Mulder moved over to Scully. She was stock-still. "We found it Scully. Let me get one of the agents to take you back to Salt Lake. You don't have to go in there." She tore her gaze from the house and saw Colbert and Skinner had joined Mulder instead of going into the house. They were watching her. "I'm fine. Let's check out the house," she said softly. "Get the paramedics in here," someone shouted from the house. Scully's eyes widened and she returned her stare to the house. "Oh my, God. He's alive," she whispered. She looked at her watch. "Almost 30 hours...this isn't going be good. Let's go." She strode purposefully toward the house. The men watched her, following her when she reached the door. Ryan was on the floor in the living room lying perfectly still. He looked dead. He was pale and his body was laid out in odd, uncomfortable angles where he had obviously collapsed. There was a peculiar fluid on the floor near him and crusted on his mouth. He had obviously gagged on the poison. He was semi-conscious, breathing extremely shallowly. The paramedics were checking his airways. They were extremely swollen. One of the paramedics reached for a tube to entubate him. Mulder saw Scully step forward and then stop herself. "What, Scully?" "They shouldn't do that," she responded quietly. "The very least that Draino would do would be to weaken his trachea and esophagus. If they entubate him, the tube could tear his trachea. It could kill him." The paramedics had paused upon hearing her and were now looking at her. So were Colbert and Skinner and several of the other agents. "For God's sake, Scully. Say something." "I'm a pathologist Mulder, not a practicing physician, and I'm under suspicion here. If I intervene and he dies..." "If you don't intervene and he dies, could you live with that?" She looked at him, expression unreadable--even to Mulder. One of the paramedics spoke up, "Lady, if you know something here that we don't..." he looked at her expectantly. Scully looked at him a moment and then knelt on the floor next to Ryan. She took a glove from the paramedic and examined Ryan's throat and shined a light into his eyes. "He's getting oxygen...he's not responsive at all. He's comatose. Maybe due to poisoning, maybe due to suffocation. But he's stable. My recommendation would be to give him oxygen via a mask and take him to a hospital as is. Let the physician there make a decision based on a CAT scan. If his breathing declines on the way, I'd trach him and not entubate him. Less risk of uncontrolled damage that way." She stood. "That's just a recommendation. You're certainly not obligated to follow it." She stepped back, still staring at Ryan. The paramedics moved to take Scully's advice. Colbert lost control. "Maybe you should know that you're following the medical advise of the doctor that put that man in this condition. She tried to poison him," he burst out, waving his arms for emphasis. "Maybe," the paramedic said. "But it's still good advice. Advice I shouldn't have to have been told. I didn't know it was Draino, I was told 'unknown poison.' That might have been a fatal mistake." He finished preparing Ryan and moved him out on the stretcher without another word. Skinner and Colbert stared at one another. Colbert broke the silence. "We have evidence to collect people. Get to work." He walked over to Scully and said quietly, "I want you to stay out of the way." Skinner stepped forward. "You don't speak to her again, you got that?" His voice was deadly. Colbert stalked off. Skinner looked back over at Scully. She was looking around the house. It was obviously close to overwhelming her. "Why don't you wait outside, Scully. Or better still, go back with the paramedics. You did what you came to do." She shook her head. "I'm ok. Frankly I feel safer here in the house with both of you than I would alone in the hotel. Ryan didn't work by himself in Salt Lake. I don't want to be alone. Especially here." "Ok, Scully. I understand." **** Mulder and Skinner moved to join the other agents in gathering evidence. They found the keys still in the inside lock in the front door, which added credence to Scully's statement that she fled quickly. Dusting the house, they found her fingerprints in very few places except the bedroom. Handcuffs were in the dresser door. They had trace amounts of blood on them. It would be sent to the lab to be compared to Scully's. Also in the dresser was a gun. It would be sent to the lab to be compared to the bullet that had been found in the wall in Scully's apartment. They also found the coffee cup on the floor of the kitchen. Skinner saw Mulder looking at a book. His expression was one of controlled rage. "What?" he asked, approaching Mulder and looking over his shoulder. Mulder turned to him. "Ryan's confession," he growled harshly slamming the book into Skinner's hand. It was open. Skinner scanned the page. The book was apparently a diary. Skinner recognized Ryan's handwriting. He flipped to the front and looked at the date on the first entry--the diary was years old. Mulder had dog-eared some pages. Skinner scanned them quickly. They described Ryan's preparation to infiltrate Scully's life, his progress in his relationship with her, his plan to kidnap her. The last dog-eared page made Skinner gag and drop the book to the ground. It described the first time he'd coerced Scully to have sex with him. Skinner closed his eyes. "I thought she said...." he trailed off, eyes still closed. "She told me last night...she's having trouble accepting that it was rape because he didn't hold a gun to her head...." "It looks like he coerced her..." "From what she said, I'd agree." "She surely sees that what he did was rape..." "Maybe she will with time. Right now she's still completely detached from the situation and the emotions. Anyway, this is it," he said indicating the diary. "He even uses the word 'kidnap' in here. He writes things like 'even though she's here by force now...' That makes it clear that she was here against her will. Take it out to Colbert. I need a minute." "And you think I don't?" The two men looked at each other. "What's going on?" Mulder and Skinner jumped. Scully had walked over to them upon seeing their expressions. Mulder replied quietly, "Ryan kept a diary, Scully. A log of his...activities." Her eyes widened. "On the up side--it's a perfect confession." He looked at her evenly. "On the down side--it's explicit and up to date." He let his meaning sink in. Scully looked nervously at Skinner, who was holding the diary. He couldn't meet her eyes. "May I see it?" she asked holding out her hand. Mulder's response surprised her. As Skinner reached out to hand her the book, Mulder intercepted it and took it from him. "No way am I exposing Scully to Ryan's sick, twisted view of the last year." Mulder replied to Skinner's shocked expression. "I am submitting this to evidence. Right now." "Mulder!" Scully sounded angry. "Don't bother, Scully. I'm not arguing with you and I'm not backing down." He walked away. Scully started to pursue him angrily. Skinner grabbed her arm. "Scully, let it go." She looked at him defiantly, preparing to protest. "Scully, I read one page. One. I almost tossed it. You don't want to know how he...saw this...you. Please, let it go." She stared at him. She had never seen Skinner this emotional. She relaxed and he loosened his grip on her arm. "Ok, I will." She stared after Mulder. He was showing the book to Colbert. She saw him take it and open it dubiously. His expression became serious, then amazed, then sickened. She saw Mulder flip to a page, Colbert scan it and drop the book. Mulder leaned into his face and whispered something. Colbert went white and Mulder walked away to record the book in the evidence. Colbert looked over at her and Skinner. His expression was extremely contrite. He approached them. "Agent Scully, I apologize for the way I spoke to you this morning and yesterday when I recorded your statement. It was an inexcusable way to treat anyone under those circumstances, much less a fellow agent." She stared and him and thought it would be very interesting to know what Mulder said to him. "I realize you knew Andy and not me. I know how I felt when I discovered he was not who I thought he was so I guess I understand how you feel now. Apology accepted." He offered her his hand and she shook it firmly. Her handshake was steadier than she really felt. ELK LODGE SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH Scully walked into the hotel room apparently unaware of Mulder and Skinner's presence. Her eyes were empty and she walked as if she were sleepwalking. Crossing directly to the bed, she climbed upon it and collapsed, face down, head resting on her arms. Mulder and Skinner exchanged silent glances. "Scully, Skinner and I are going next door to talk for a minute. I'll be right back, ok?" No answer. The door closed quietly behind them. "What do you think?" Skinner asked as soon as they were out of hearing. "It's finally catching up to her. It had to eventually. We all knew it. Even she did." He paused. "I know we needed her help to find that house. And I know she needed closure and helping to find Ryan served that purpose to some degree. But I would have definitely preferred for her to not be there. Physically, that hike was too much for her after recovering from a gunshot wound without the benefit of a doctor's care and after running all that distance yesterday without eating. Psychologically, I can't even imagine how difficult it was to go back into that house. It was hard for me." Skinner nodded. "We need to wrap this up and get her back to Washington. I'm going to the field office. I want that evidence transferred to Washington. We are getting jurisdiction over this case if I have to go to Janet Reno to get it. If Colbert will simply agree to that without argument, we can leave tomorrow morning." "If it's the same to you, I want to go ahead and take her back to Washington tomorrow, regardless. She needs out of this environment. She needs familiarity right now." "You can leave tonight if you can get a flight. Pull whatever stunt you have to in order to get tickets. I'll back you up. I want to get her out of here too." Mulder nodded and left the room. Instead of returning to Scully's room, he went to his own. Picking up the phone, he booked two flights home--one for tonight and one for tomorrow morning. He wanted to leave Scully with the choice and he could cancel the unused ticket. When he returned to her room, she hadn't moved. "Scully?" he whispered. "Hmm?" came the muffled reply. "I called about flights home. We can leave tonight or tomorrow. Which would you prefer?" This got her attention. She sat up quickly. "We can go back to Washington tonight?" He nodded. "Colbert isn't going to cause any trouble with that?" "We report to Skinner and I have his permission to leave right now if I want." She stood up and looked around tiredly for the bag Mulder had brought. "When do we leave?" "Last flight is at 10:05. That puts us in to Washington after 1:00am Rocky Mountain time, but I thought it might be worth it to you and you can sleep on the plane. We'd better leave fast if you want that one." "I'll be ready in five minutes. Can you go to the vending machine and get us a snack?" "I'll do better than that. There's a hamburger joint across the street. Could you stand anything from there?" "Anything, Mulder. I'm actually hungry. You go get us something to eat and I'll throw the stuff in the car, check us out, and pick you up over there. How's that sound?" He tossed her his hotel key and the rental keys. "I'll meet you there." He walked out, relieved that she was at least animated about leaving. That was a good sign. Scully hurriedly threw her clothes into the suitcase. Grabbing Mulder's from his room and making a quick check to assure herself that he hadn't forgotten to pack anything, she tossed the suitcases in the trunk and got in the car to drive around to the hotel office. She put the keys in the ignition and started the car. As she put it in gear and looked behind her to move out of the parking space, she was again struck by an overwhelming sense of strangeness. Packing Mulder's things and her own in a rush to check out of their hotel was a routine action for her. Driving certainly was. But it had been two months since she had been in a car, let alone driven one. She had to actually concentrate on these routine actions. She shook off the feeling and hurried into the hotel office. She signed the credit receipt presenting her federal ID and again was struck by the nervous expression of the hotel clerk. Clerks always looked strangely at the Bureau account card that she carried to pay for expenses, studying her FBI identification with curiosity. Somehow it felt strange to her right now to represent herself as a federal agent. Mulder was waiting for her with a bag of food when she pulled into the parking lot. She pulled into a space, but he climbed into the passenger seat. "Do you want to drive?" she asked putting the car in neutral and applying the parking break. "You drive if you want. You always complain how dangerous I am when I eat and drive around strange towns at the same time." He grinned at her and pulled out a sandwich. "They had a ham and cheese sandwich. I thought you'd like that better than a burger. But I'll eat this and you can have the burger if you prefer." His grin got bigger as he produced an enormous plastic drink cup. "And look at the size of this ice tea--32 ounces, Scully. I'd better take the aisle seat on the plane." She stared at him with a slightly panicked expression. His grin faded quickly. "What is it, Scully? Are you ok?" She looked down quickly and opened the car door. "I think you'd better drive, Mulder." She got out and walked around the car. Mulder stayed at the passenger door. "Talk to me, Scully. I need to know what's happening here." She licked her lips, eyes still on the ground. "This..." she gestured at the car and the food. "How can something so normal seem so out of place...so strange." He rubbed her arms. She was shivering--from the cold or from the way she felt, he couldn't be sure. "Because life has been completely out of the ordinary and completely unpredictable for you for two months. The feeling that normal things aren't normal will go away very quickly. Come on, get in the car before you freeze." He helped her into the car and went around to the driver's side. "Why don't you get the sandwiches out?" he said as he pulled away. By the time they had eaten, they were at the airport. Mulder picked up the tickets and cancelled the others, while Scully returned their rental car. Another normal routine. She was still shivering. By the time she caught up with Mulder in the terminal, he was on the phone with Skinner. She came up behind him. "Yeah, we're at the airport now...I got tickets for tonight. I thought it would be a good idea....Pretty well actually. She really perked up at the idea of going home....Yeah, I'm going to either ask her to let me stay with her in her apartment or to stay with me in mine...I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't go for it. I can't really force her right now can I? I'll sleep in the car outside her place....I've done it before. She can be stubborn....Yeah, I'll leave the cell on. You can call me on it. Listen, Skinner...about the evidence. At least get that diary. I don't want it there. I'd rather we have it. Ok, call me when you get to Washington." He hung up. "So I can be stubborn, huh?" came the quiet voice behind him. He spun around with an extremely contrite expression. "I'm sorry, Scully. I didn't intend for you to hear that." He was relieved to see her smile. "I imagine you've said worse things about me. I can live with stubborn." Her expression became serious. "Mulder, I feel so incredibly strange walking around the airport by myself. Like I'm afraid to get caught...like I'd get in trouble...I can't explain it. It's weird. I didn't feel at all like this after I was abducted the last time." She shook her head. They walked toward the security gate. "That's because you didn't remember anything that time. You didn't remember having your activities restricted so being able to do normal things seemed normal. Life hasn't been so normal for the last two months and you remember every bit of it. That's a lot harder." They got to the gate and Mulder walked over to the side to present his ID to board with his gun. The guard looked suspiciously at the second gun. "That's my partner's." Scully produced her ID as well as Mulder explained. "She is injured and temporarily relieved of duty. She can't carry her weapon until she's released to field duty." The guard nodded and they pasted through the checkpoint. Mulder continued talking when Scully was silent. "You know, this seems so odd to me too. It's like, for the last two months I've been on the go so much. We followed up thousands of leads...Skinner and me personally. When we weren't out of town, I was still doing something on this case either in the office or at home. Being able to just relax now...well, honestly, I can't. I still feel like ought to be doing something. I need to be working. It is weird." She was looking at him. "Yeah," she replied slowly, quietly. "For two months I had one focus...escape. Now I feel a little lost. I don't know what to do." She looked at him. "When is Skinner going to let me come back to work?" "You know you need some time, Scully. You need to speak with Employee Services. They won't certify you for field duty unless you do. And you know there will be an inquiry." "Mulder, I can't sit in the house. I'll go insane. I spent two months sitting in a house." Her voice was panicked. He looked at her. "Employee Services took me off this case last month citing 'emotional instability.' I'm suspended with pay right now. Skinner just knew better than to cut me out." Scully's jaw dropped. "So we can go to counseling together if you want. Or if you don't, we still both have time off, so we'll do all those things you always wanted to do in the DC area but never had the time." His expression was typically sarcastic. It made her smile again. "Mulder! If you're suspended, how do you intend to explain the hotel, the car rental, the plane tickets...you charged all those to the expense card." She was laughing at him. "Skinner will cover it up," he said mildly. "Skinner! Skinner is by the book. He isn't going to cover shit up for you Mulder!" "How do you think I've been investigating this case for the last month?" Her jaw dropped. "Skinner broke the rules? He did something he actively had to cover up and could certainly be dismissed for? I can't believe he'd put his career at such risk." "Scully," Mulder replied quietly. "Skinner was as desperate as I was. He has always had something for you." "Don't be absurd, Mulder." "He does. I promised him I wouldn't tell you this. I think I'll break that promise. You deserve to know." He looked at her. "The chip that saved you...that put your cancer in remission..." she nodded. "Skinner made a deal with Spender to get that." Scully stared, horrified. "Spender came to me and told me he'd give it to me if I went to work for him. I refused, but later told Skinner I was going to do it. We were running out of time. Skinner went to Spender before I could and made a deal with him, so I wouldn't have to." Tears came to Scully's eyes. "Oh my God, Mulder." The tears fell. "I accused him of...." She looked at him. "Why didn't he tell me this...why didn't...." brow furrowed, she was lost for words. "I never knew why he was so adamant you not find out. He made me swear not to tell you. He has something for you, Scully. He always has. That's the only explanation. He worked harder on this case than I did. I really learned something in this. He's a good man. I always trusted him with reservation after he got that chip. Now...I don't know...I'd actually call him a friend. You are about the only other person I called a friend before this." Mulder heard their flight announced. "That's us," he interrupted her reverie. As they boarded the plane he quipped, "So, should I be jealous of Skinner?" "Mulder," she said with a playfully warning tone. She smiled. "For now, I'm happy where I am. I think Skinner knows that." **** Mulder watched Scully carefully as they got off the plane. The closer they got to Washington, the quieter she had become. It was late, and Mulder hoped she was just tired. He couldn't be sure. Scully looked around the familiar terminal with a slightly nervous expression. As he guided her to the parking lot and to his car, she was silent. "So, who's place are we going to Scully?" he asked as they climbed into the car. He hoped she wasn't going to argue about him staying with her. She needed the company whether she could admit it or not. And he needed to be near her. He was only beginning to fully comprehend the degree to which this incident had affected him. It was nearly impossible for him to not touch her. Not romantically--he knew she couldn't handle that. He just needed to physically feel her presence to assure himself she was real. "What does my apartment look like? I remember destroying quite a few things before Ryan finally shot me." Her voice was shaky. He was increasingly concerned as he watched her. "I cleaned it up pretty well." Her eyebrows shot up. "I can clean, Scully. I just don't like to. It looks decent. I doubt I got everything back exactly right and there's a stack of things on your table that were broken but I didn't want to throw them away. I thought you might want to fix some of them. It's not bad though." She sighed. "How bad is your apartment?" "Why, Scully," he said with a tone of mock indignation. "Are you implying that you think my domestic responsibilities took a back seat during this incident?" He was trying, in vain to lighten the tone. Scully was clearly erecting her protective walls. He could feel the distance between them increase even as the conversation progressed. He couldn't handle it if she shut him out. "No, Mulder. I'm asking if we'll even be able to get in the door of your apartment without being crushed by two months of junk." Her tone was flat, unresponsive to his joke. If it was exhaustion or self- isolation, he still couldn't tell. Mulder knew well that Scully was the world's greatest expert on insulating herself. He also knew nothing could be more damaging at this point. He laughed, still trying to keep the mood light. "It's about as bad as it usually is." Sobering, he added, "The crime scene photos from your apartment are over there though. So are all the case files...my profile, evidence, all that stuff." She stared through the windshield. Mulder still hadn't started the car. "Let's go to your place," she finally decided. "I'm afraid I'll see him...you know, remember him...too much in my apartment." "The evidence files?" he reminded her. "I'd actually like to see them." He opened his mouth to protest. "I need to look at this whole thing like a case, Mulder. It will help if I can look at it that way." He started the car and drove off toward Alexandria. "Scully, if you want to detach yourself from what happened by looking at it as a case, that's fine. And it might work for a while. But eventually you are going to have to face this and grieve over it. It was terrifying. You've got to confront that." "I'm fine, Mulder." "You are not fine, Scully. Neither am I. A man kidnapped you and he raped you. You can't even admit that much to yourself. You can't even make yourself say it. Eventually, it will hit you though, whether you want it to or not. You can take control and confront your emotions, or you can run from them and deny them and they will take control of you. But those are the two possible outcomes and you know it." His speech was delivered in a perfectly calm neutral tone. He hadn't intended to start a fight but it still felt to Scully as if he had hit her across the face. She was not ready to confront anything. Countering Mulder's statement with a strong response seemed to be the best way to dodge it. "I can't believe you said that to me," she whispered, voice shaking. "It's true. I didn't say it to start a fight or to upset you. But I'm worried about you. I just don't see any indications that you are moving towards dealing with this. So, it needed to be said." His tone revealed his concern. Scully didn't hear it. "I am dealing with this just fine, Mulder." Now she was yelling. "I gave a damn statement. I went out to the damn house this morning. Just because many women cry in emotional situations...just because you do...doesn't mean that everyone does. Not everyone deals with things in the same way, Mulder. You're a damn psychologist. You should know that." He ignored her tirade and missed the elevated level of swearing--an obvious sign that he'd pushed too hard. If she thought his statements up till then had pushed her, she was about to learn what that really meant. "Say 'he raped me,' Scully." "What!" She stared at him as if he was the devil himself. "Say 'he raped me,'" he repeated calmly, still thinking he was in control of the situation...and that she was in control of herself. He was wrong. He hadn't noticed exactly how out of control she was. He didn't have enough information yet to know how broken she really was. "Pull this car over, Fox Mulder. Right now!" He ignored her. "Pull it over or I will grab the wheel and do it myself!" He still ignored her. "You can't say it. You don't even believe it or acknowledge it. It's a fact, Scully. He did. He didn't hold a gun to you. What he did was worse. It was still rape. And rape has emotional consequences whether you want to admit it or not. You're 'dealing just fine with this' because you are still in shock. Physically and emotionally." "I certainly am not...." "Are you cold, Scully?" "It's cold outdoors, Mulder. It's December." "Are you cold?" he repeated. "Yes, damn it. I'm freezing." "Look at the heater, Scully." She did. It was on full blast. She hadn't noticed. "I'm sweating I have the heat on so high. You are still shivering. It's called 'shock' Scully. You are so far gone that you don't even recognize the symptoms. You're a doctor. What does that tell you?" She stared at him unable to reply. "You haven't stopped shaking since I picked you up from that station. You were even shivering in your sleep last night." She said nothing. He frowned and pulled the car over. He got out of the car and went to the passenger side. Opening the door, he pulled her roughly from the car. "What in the hell are you doing?" she practically screamed. "You wanted me to pull over. I did. Presumably you wanted out of the car. So get out. There's a cab right there," he said pointing to one. He took some money from his pocket and slapped it into her hand. "Take a cab back to your own apartment and stay there and tell yourself that you just came home from any other case." He walked to the rear of the car and took her suitcase from the trunk. Putting it by her feet he pointed to the cab. "You're fine, right? Go." He looked at her harshly and she returned his stare with her own completely flabbergasted one. "I don't have my apartment keys. I don't know where they are." It was the first thing she thought, delivered in a quiet, slightly lost voice. He pulled her key off his keyring and handed it to her without comment. "Why are you doing this?" she whispered without looking at him. "Why shouldn't I? You're fine and you told me to pull over. I did what you said." She stared up at him, motionless. Without comment, he turned, got in the car, and started it. In the mirror he could see her staring at the car, eyes wide. She didn't move. He didn't pull away from the curb. Instead he rolled down the window and leaned out it. "You're going to loose your cab. Get going." "Why are you doing this, Mulder?" "Because you're fine, right?" "I don't understand what you want," she whispered with a broken voice. "Tell me what you want. I'll do it." If Mulder had been less emotional himself, that statement would have sent up red flags. Scully never cared what Mulder wanted--she did things her way. That's what made them effective partners. Scully was reacting to two months of being forced to obey. Of having her behavior manipulated and controlled. That she was responding to Mulder as she had responded to Ryan should have caught his attention. But Mulder was reacting too. Unfortunately, he was not reacting well. "I want you to get in the cab and go home," he replied evenly. Her eyes widened. She took a step back from the car and he rolled up the window. She picked up the suitcase and moved toward the cab. When he saw her speak to the driver, he pulled away from the curb and drove away. She was astonished. Fifteen minutes later Mulder was pacing his apartment, praying he had done the right thing. Scully needed to be made to see how far-gone she was. As long as he sheltered her, she would avoid reality. He couldn't facilitate that. No matter how hard the alternative was. An hour later Mulder was still pacing the floor when his door opened. He pulled his gun. "Damn it! Scully, what in the hell are you doing?!" He lowered the gun and she lowered her hands. Closing the door, she leaned against it. "Mulder, dumping me out of your car in the middle of town was cruel," she said calmly. "I will deal with this. My way. I can't do it your way. I need you to accept that I may not react the way you want." Mulder, still involved in his own emotions, did not see that she was trembling. "It's not a matter of what I want, Scully. Everybody reacts to trauma in generally the same way. You know that. You're not reacting at all. You are completely in shock and you don't even realize it." "Maybe this just wasn't as traumatic for me as you think it was, Mulder." She was getting angry. He had put her in a damn cab and she came over here to give him another chance. He was in for a big surprise if he thought he was going to act this way. "This is what? Like the eighth time that someone has abducted me...the Consortium has abducted me twice, Pfaster did twice, there was the Gerry Schnauz case, Eddie Van Blunht intended to rape me, Ed Jerse tried to kill me, I was almost beheaded by cannibals and shot in a shower by people who thought they were witches, Eugene Tooms wanted to rip out my liver...maybe after a while it just doesn't have as big an affect." "Ok Scully," he said defeated. "I give up. I can't make you see this. But I won't contribute to it or facilitate it. If you are fine, I'm glad. Go home. I'll call you in the morning and give you the information you'll need to re-open the X Files." "I'd rather stay..." she began before Mulder's statement completely sank in. "What do you mean so I can re-open the Files?" "I am suspended. I have to participate in counseling before I can return to work. And I want to. This was hell, Scully. And knowing what happened to you...that made it worse. I'm not dealing well with that. I don't trust myself with a gun and a criminal right now. I was very close to walking out of the house and shooting Ryan as they took him away this morning. You may not need any help with this, but I do." He paused. "You can't stay here. I'm sorry. I won't be your crutch. If you're fine, then go home. If you're not fine...if you can't face going home or being alone, then admit you're not fine and accept some help." She found herself staring at him again. "So, unless I agree to do this your way, you won't help me." She looked at him and tears filled her eyes. "Ok, Mulder. But I spent the last two months obeying Ryan. I don't think I want to obey you. I'll call Skinner about work. I'll go to Quantico until you come back to the X Files. We'll talk then about me coming back. Or not." She turned to leave his apartment. He grabbed her arm. "Don't liken me to, Ryan," he said harshly. "I am not asking you to 'obey me.' I would never force you to do anything...." The rest of what he was saying drifted past her as he leaned over her and yelled. She felt dizzy, nauseous. The feelings that had overwhelmed her for the past two months washed over her again in uncontrollable waves--but this time when she looked at the man painfully squeezing her arm, she saw Mulder. She closed her eyes. Suddenly she realized he had stopped talking and was waiting for her response. She was shocked that she couldn't voice more than a whisper from her lips, "You wouldn't force me to do anything, Mulder? Ryan didn't physically force me to anything either. He just wouldn't give me things I needed, most of them related to my emotional stability, unless I had sex with him. You won't support me through this, something obviously related to my emotional stability, unless I react to this experience in the way you deem appropriate. You're right Mulder. I see no parallel there at all." Scully pulled her arm from his grasp and turned to flee. He blocked her way to the door. "I am not trying to manipulate you." "No? So you think throwing me out of your car and telling me to work the X Files alone are normal occasions in our lives?" Her voice faded even more, becoming a barely audible shaky whisper. "I just spent two months playing these mind games with a psychopath. I need someone I can trust. Nothing you have ever done has hurt me like it did when you drove away tonight. I can't believe that you would do something like that under the best of circumstances. I just spent two months of pure hell. And you left me...." "If you were fine...." "You know I'm not fine...." "How am I supposed to know that? All you'll tell me is that you're fine...." She snapped. "What do you want me to say, Mulder? That I'm scared to death? That I feel completely off-balance? That I'm sick to my stomach every time I think of Ryan? That I can still feel his hands on me? That I my heart still races when I think about the things he made me do...how much they hurt--emotionally and physically? That I feel dirty...worse than dirty? That I'm afraid you won't want me now...." "Scully!" "You want to hear me say that he raped me? Ok. He raped me. He raped me, he sodomized me, he forced me to perform oral sex on him. I don't even have a vocabulary for some of the sick-assed things that he did. And I acted like I liked it. Because if I didn't, because when I wasn't convincing, he hurt me. When I got angry and told him it was rape, he threatened to bring other men to the house and show me what it felt like to really be raped." She couldn't continue. His eyes were as wide as saucers when she raised her eyes to his. "Do you want me to cry, Mulder?" she said after a moment. Tears were already streaming down her face. "Will you feel better if I'm completely hysterical? Is this what you wanted to see? How long must I act this way to earn the privilege of your approval? How much is enough to prove to you that I'm 'grieving' the experience?" He reached out to her. "Scully...." She flinched back automatically. "Don't touch me. Don't. Touch. Me." She backed away until she was against the living room wall. "Did it occur to you that maybe I wasn't ready to face this yet? That maybe I needed to live in denial for a little while longer? Until I was someplace familiar. Until I'd been with you for a few days? Until I felt a little safer? But wait. That should have occurred to you, because I told you that last night. Tell me, Mulder, where do I go to feel safe now?" The pain in her eyes was only matched by the pain in his. "Scully, I'm sorry...." "That doesn't cut it, Mulder. Not even close." "What do you want me to do?" he asked sadly, his voice barely audible. "Get out of my way. I'm leaving." Instead of moving, he put his hand over the doorknob. "Scully I can't let you leave like this...." he trailed off in reaction to her expression. Her eyes grew wide and he saw terror in them. He instantly realized his mistake. "Scully, I meant that I want you to stay until you calm down a little...." Her eyes fixed on him and she staggered back instinctively. Stumbling into the chair in his living room, she sat down hard. She was obviously fighting for control. "Don't say that to me," she whispered. "Andy thought I'd learn to love him if I stayed and calmed down a little." He closed his eyes. "You know I won't keep you here if you want to leave. You know I won't hurt you. I'd like you to stay so I can try to apologize...try to fix this." "I can't Mulder...I can't take any more tonight...I need some rest." "Will you stay here?" "You don't want me here. You told me to leave..." Her voice broke again. "Scully, I want you here," he whispered miserably, kneeling in front of the chair. "If you want to stay, I want you here. I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry." "Mulder...." she couldn't finish her sentence. She put her arms around his neck and pulled him close and cried against his chest--until his shirt-front was soaked...until she was sobbing silently, tears dried but emotions still raging. "Is this what you wanted?" she whispered between sobs. "I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to see you hurt. But I do want you to confront this. Unfortunately, that is going to hurt." "Mulder, you have to let me do this at my own pace," her tone was pleading. "I will, Scully. You needed to acknowledge what happened...and that it wasn't 'fine.' You did that. That's all I wanted. I didn't want to push you, though..." "You have to promise...." she shook her head and pulled away from him. She carefully wiped her face with her hands and straightened her clothes. She sat for a moment with her eyes closed, obviously trying to compose herself. Finally, she opened them and looked at him evenly. "Mulder, I was not ready for this. I need to be able to trust you to let me handle this my way. Throwing me out of your car, asking me to leave your apartment...you may not have intended to coerce me to talk to you about this, but it felt like coercion to me. For reasons I shouldn't have to explain to you, I am not going to react well to anything that feels like coercion. Your actions tonight...more than hurt me. I know you are a psychologist. I have no doubt you are a very good one. But I don't need you to be my psychologist, Mulder. I will see a psychologist. I need a friend. I need you to be a safe place for me. I need that or I can not handle this. Please promise me that you will try to do that." He answered without hesitation. "I promise, Scully. I will do whatever you want. Just tell me what it is. I behaved badly tonight. I'm sorry. I'll do anything you need to make it up to you." "Just let me do this at my own pace. Please don't make me talk about the things I said tonight." "I won't. I won't try to make you do anything, Scully. It was never my intention to manipulate you tonight." "Do you see how, after the last two months, I might react strongly to anything that remotely appears to be coercive?" "Yes, Scully, I do. I wasn't thinking. I was wrong. This is difficult for me too. You are going to have to tell me if I'm doing something that makes you uncomfortable else I might not recognize what I'm doing. I will try to listen to you carefully and be conscious of not saying or doing things that might push you if you will promise to tell me when I do." "I will." There were several moments of silence. "It's almost 6:00am, Scully. You need some sleep. Do you want to stay here?" She nodded mutely. "Do you want me to stay with you or do you need a little space?" "I'm not going to kick you out of your own bed, Mulder," she said quietly without looking at him. "Scully, don't let me push you. Don't push yourself. If you need space, I'll sleep on the couch. And I'll understand." "I need you, Mulder. For two months I've wanted nothing more than to sleep next to you. But I'm really hurting right now. I don't know what I want. I honestly can't say." Tears welled in his eyes. "I think it would be best for me to stay on the couch then, Scully." He got up off the floor and went into the bedroom. She heard him brushing his teeth and rummaging for a clean T- shirt. She got up and stood in the bedroom door. He was changing the sheets on the bed. "You don't have to do that, Mulder." "Scully these sheets haven't been changed since the last time you slept here. You are not going to sleep here until I clean up a little." "How can I help you?" "You could toss me some sheets from the closet." She did as Mulder picked laundry up off the floor. **** The next morning, he awoke on the couch to the smell of coffee brewing. He was confused. Sitting up, his eyes fell on Scully, in his robe, sitting at the dining room table coffee cup in hand. He smiled. As soon as he really focused on her, his expression changed to one of concern. She was flipping through the crime scene photos and case files. "Morning," he said quietly. She looked up and smiled at him. "Coffee is ready," she said. He nodded and went into the kitchen. "Do you want some breakfast?" "Not really," she replied quietly. Her tone implied she expected a fight. He said nothing, but instead went ahead and made himself some toast. Sitting down at the table across from her, he looked at the files she was perusing. "I take it you went to your apartment last night?" he asked. She nodded. "How did it look?" "Better than I would have expected. You did a really good job cleaning it up Mulder. Thanks." "Good, I'm glad." He ate one of his slices of toast. "Have you had a shower yet?" "No, I didn't want to wake you." "Mind if I go ahead and shower? I've got to go down to the office and see Skinner. He left a message on the machine saying he'd be back this morning." "Sure, go ahead." He got up from the table, leaving the toast. When he came back out, she had eaten it as he hoped she would. "I want to go to the office. Skinner said he was overnighting the evidence from Salt Lake. I also want to get the report from the hospital on Ryan...." He began while cleaning up the table. "I already called for that" she interrupted. "They're faxing the actual records to our office but the short version is that Ryan is stable and expected to make it. He is suffering from lung, tracheal, and esophageal damage but it's reported to be surprisingly minor. They are observing him for brain damage from oxygen depravation. They expect to do an analysis of that this afternoon but his CAT Scan came back normal, so that is a good sign." He stared at her. He couldn't believe she'd called on that. "Do they know when they intend to release him?" "Not for at least a week...probably two. He's under guard and they will return him to Washington when he's released. They were in the process of taking his statement when I called. I spoke to the officer taking his statement and he promised to fax it when it was completed." "Ok. Did you, by any chance, speak to Skinner?" "His cell phone is off and he'd already checked out of the hotel. I assume he's in flight." "Well, that seems to be everything. Do you want to go into the office and pick up the evidence with me?" His tone was slightly sarcastic. He didn't really intend for her to go or believe that she would want to. "If you'll wait fifteen minutes for me to take a shower, I would." "Scully, are you sure you're up to this?" "I want to do this Mulder. I need to work on this...get some measure of control over it." "Ok, I want you to tell me if you need to walk away though," he admonished. She nodded soberly. "While you shower, I'm going to call the DA's office and see how they intend to prosecute this. They'll undoubtedly want to start getting you ready for the trial. I'll make an appointment with whoever they've assigned to prosecute this." "Ok, Mulder." Her voice was determined but Mulder heard the anxiety in it. She rose from the table and headed to the bathroom. Stopping, she turned back to Mulder. "Mulder, I will speak to the lawyer because I have to, and I want to help finish out this case because I need the closure, but I need some distance too. Making the phone calls is easy, talking about Ryan's medical condition is easy...talking about evidence that involves what happened in that house--that's going to be extremely difficult. Let me decide what I can and can't do. Ok?" "Absolutely, Scully." **** Things slowly returned to normal. Mulder and Scully went to counseling, separately at Scully's reluctant but insistent request. In less than a month, they were both returned to duty and re-opened the X Files. Scully dove into the work. Mulder watched her, keeping his promise to let her deal with how she recovered herself. He didn't ask her anything about what happened in the house. He didn't need to. Privately, he read Ryan's diary from cover to cover. It's contents were the topic of the majority of the counseling sessions which he continued to attend long after Scully abandoned her own sessions. The diary also inspired a new investigation. Mulder noted several references to surveillance equipment in Ryan's writings. While Scully was occupied with an involved autopsy, he and Skinner searched her apartment. What they found appalled them--video camera's concealed in all the rooms. They searched Mulder's apartment with the same results. Skinner got a search warrant for Ryan's apartment and they found the videos. There were literally thousands of them dating back to 1996. Mulder and Skinner divided them up and watched them. For obvious reasons, Mulder watched all of the most recent ones and found what he feared. He met with Skinner privately. "How do we pursue this?" Mulder asked. "I spoke with the Director. He wants to pursue separate Federal charges for illegal surveillance. The prosecutor wants Ryan to plead off on this and Ryan's attorney is pressuring him to do that. It's pretty much open and shut since we picked up his prints off the video equipment. I didn't want to ok that until I spoke with you." "I say go for it. This will devastate Scully if she hears about it." "You haven't told her?" he asked, surprised. "No, we haven't discussed any of this much at all." "You're kidding?" "She asked me to let her decide how to deal with it and she's chosen to deal with it by not discussing it with me at all." Skinner raised his eyebrows. "How are you dealing with it...with that." "Badly," Mulder admitted quietly. "I'm still seeing the psychologist. I'm really angry about this whole situation. I'm having trouble moving past it." "Maybe you should tell her that." "I pushed her once. Now I promised her that I'd back off entirely." "It's been two months, Mulder. Maybe it's time to break that promise. Or at least ask her if she'll give a little." Mulder nodded. "Something has to change," he said sadly, leaving Skinner's office. **** Mulder returned to his apartment. Scully was already there. "Where have you been for the last week, Mulder? You're not in the office. You're not at home. Your cell phone is never on. We've hardly seen each other. What's up?" "Sorry, I was following up some things." "I hate to be ditched, Mulder. You know that. This case is hard enough without you withholding evidence from me." "They weren't related to our current case. They were related to Ryan." "What about him?" she asked nervously. "Some additional evidence on separate charges. He's supposed to cop a plea on them so it won't affect you." Scully let it drop. She always did where Ryan was concerned. He watched her sort through case files. When they went back to work on the X Files, Scully completely turned her back on dealing with the kidnapping. She never mentioned Ryan. When Mulder did, she listened without commenting any more than necessary. When she had to speak to the prosecutor, she insisted on going alone and avoided discussing their conversation with Mulder. She contended that she was 'fine.' She plainly was not however. She hadn't stayed in her apartment more than three times since she had returned to Washington. The times she had, Mulder had stayed with her. She slept with Mulder every night, not comfortable unless he was near by. But they had not so much as kissed since the night they spent in the hotel in Salt Lake. Mulder was afraid to touch her. He had no idea how she would react because he had no idea how she was feeling. For her part, she made no move to do anything more than sleep in his arms. He did not want to push her at all in this area, but it seemed symbolic of their entire relationship. He had no idea what to do and she wasn't talking. As he watched her work tonight, he lost his patience. He reached over and took the files from her hands. "Scully, I need to talk to you." His voice was quiet. "Ok," she responded nervously. "Is it about what you've been investigating...about Ryan?" "It's about Ryan, yes." He paused. "Scully I promised I'd let you deal with it your way and I hope I've..." he trailed off. "You have, Mulder. And I appreciate it. I feel a lot better." "Ok. I'm glad you feel better...Scully, I..." he sighed, struggling to organize his thoughts. "Did you know I was still seeing the counselor?" She appeared shocked, "You're not serious." He nodded. "Why on earth are you doing that?" "Because...because I really need to go." He didn't look at her. "Scully, will you consider going with me? Just once?" "Mulder...I did my time with the damn counseling sessions. I really don't want to go through that again." "Scully, it would mean a lot to me. I'm not asking you to talk about anything you don't want to. I just wanted an opportunity to say some things myself in a neutral environment." "Mulder, I said no. I'm not going through that again." She sounded angry. He stood up and walked to the bedroom, "Ok, Scully," he said sadly. Scully opened the file she had been working on and returned to taking notes from it. Mulder emerged from the bedroom in his sweats almost half an hour later. "I'm going running," he said on his way out the door. Before she could reply, he was gone. She frowned at the door. When he returned almost two hours later, he looked like hell. His was flushed and dripping with sweat. She looked at him startled. "My God, Mulder. You didn't run for two solid hours did you? You could practically run to the Hoover Building in that time." He didn't respond or even look at her. Instead he went to the bathroom and Scully heard the shower run. When he came out, she was sitting on the bed waiting for him. "If this is about me refusing to go see the shrink with you, Mulder, just drop it," she said firmly. "I am not going to be pressured...." He threw the towel on the bed. "Scully, I am not trying to pressure you. Did it occur to you, even once, that I might..." He bit off the sentence and shoved his clenched fists into his jeans pockets. Scully watched him choke down a myriad of emotions and paste a passive expression on his face. Extremely calmly he said, "I'm sorry, Scully. I shouldn't have yelled. I...I'm sorry." He stood in front of her, eyes on the floor. "Mulder," she whispered. "Tell me what you were going to say." He looked up sharply. "Scully, think about this carefully before you ask." "Tell me what you were going to say," she repeated sadly. "Ok, I was going to ask you if it occurred to you that I might be having trouble dealing with...what happened with Ryan. I know it happened to you. It hurts me more than I can even explain to think that you had to experience that. But it hurts even more that you won't talk to me about it. I understand that you don't want to discuss the details. But the only thing you say is that you're 'fine.' If you behaved like you were fine, it might be one thing. But you are obviously not. You haven't spoken one word to me about Ryan since the night we returned to Washington. I told you before that the thing I wanted most from you was for you to let me in. I have never seen you this thoroughly shut off to me. I'm afraid to do anything around you. I have a stack of cases I'm not sure you can handle. I'm afraid of how you'll react every time we go into the field. And those are all professional issues. Forget personal ones. I'm afraid to touch you. I don't know what to say to you that won't upset you. I don't expect you to want to jump right into bed with me but do you realize we haven't even so much as held hands since we came back to Washington?" She stared at him. "Scully, I want to do what ever I can to help you with this. But I need some help too." "I can't believe you are saying this to me," she said quietly. "I am fine, Mulder. How dare you tell me I'm not? How dare you tell me that this has hurt you? How dare you tell me you don't feel comfortable working with me?" He exploded. Leaning into her face, he yelled, "I dare say those things because they are true. I think you are still avoiding dealing with what this did to you Scully. But, frankly, that's your business. It becomes my business when it affects me. And it has affected me. I have to constantly watch what I say to you and do around you. Jesus, I have a woman sleeping in my bed every night that I'm afraid to lay hands on..." "Is this about sex!?" she yelled back at him, pushing him back from her, suddenly very aware that she was cornered on the bed. "This has nothing to do with sex. I want to be able to talk to you. I want to know how you feel. I want to be able to tell you how I feel. I want us to be able to help each other get past this." "I am past this." "Do you care that I am not? Do you care that I am desperately alone." "If you're feeling lonely, buy a new video." His body stiffened and his fists clenched. He leaned over her and for a moment she actually thought he would hit her. Instead he turned. She thought he would punch the wall or at least walk away. He collapsed to his knees on the floor, facing away from her. "I can't do this, Scully," he whispered. "I have done everything you asked. I have tried to respect how you must feel. I have put your feelings before my own because I believed that was how it should be. You were the one that Ryan abused. But I can't do it anymore. I am willing to support you but I'm not willing to be abused..." he trailed off and turned to look at her. She saw pure anguish in his eyes. "A new video, Scully? Is that what you think of me?" He paused as if he expected an answer. She found she couldn't speak. Her lack of response obviously angered him. "If this were about sex, I'd go out and get some. If I wanted your body specifically..." his expression hardened and he raked his eyes over her. "...I could have it right now. I'm mad enough and twice your size." He paused again a moment until he saw in her expression that his words had sunk in. He stood and grabbed her roughly by her arms. Pulling her from the bed, he held her so that her feet barely touched the floor. She stifled a scream. "Do you think I'll do it? Do you think I'll rape you." He spat the word. "Is that what you think of me? Is that really what you think this is about?" She stared at him, eyes wide. He let her go and she fell back on the bed. "All I asked was that you come to one session with me. Not so I could analyze you. I gave you my word I wouldn't do that. I promised you I'd be a safe place for you. I asked you to go so I could tell you how I felt. So I could tell you I needed help with this too. That I needed to feel like I could talk to you. I mistakenly thought you'd care." She still said nothing. He turned and walked from the room. She followed him to the living room where he was putting on his coat. "Where are you going?" she whispered. He looked at her, his expression completely neutral. "I don't have any idea," he replied flatly. "I don't have any place to go." He walked out the door. **** Scully waited for Mulder to return until late in the night. She finally fell asleep on the couch. When she awakened it was the middle of the night and he still hadn't returned. She grew concerned. She called the office. No answer. His cell phone was turned off. The Gunmen hadn't heard from him. She even called Skinner. No help there. She got in her car and drove to his usual haunts. When she didn't find him, she really began to panic. She called his mother and, when she provided no information, she drove to the office to see if he had just decided not to pick up the phone. The only other two places she could think of were the summer house in the Vineyard and his father's house. She decided to go home to pack some clothes before she left for the Vineyard. Entering her apartment, she saw her bedroom light on. She drew her gun and slowly approached the bedroom. Mulder was asleep on her bed. She walked silently towards him. In his hand was her cross. She had taken it off the last time she went home and forgotten to put it back on. The chain was tangled in his fingers. The pillow was stained with his tears. She sat on the bed and he awoke with a start. She watched the confusion clear from his eyes as he took in his surroundings and finally focused on her. He looked away when she did not. "I shouldn't have come here. I'll leave," he said quietly and moved to get off the bed. "I spent most of the night looking for you. I wish you'd stay now that I have." He leaned resignedly against the headboard and looked at the cross in his hand in his lap. "I apologize for the way I treated you last night. I obviously need to continue seeing the psychologist." His voice became softer. "To tell you the truth, Scully, I'm considering checking myself in someplace for a while." Her jaw dropped. He looked at her evenly. "I'm lost. I don't trust myself. I need some help." "I'm so sorry, Mulder. I'm so sorry I said that. About the video." His eyes closed. She continued in a whisper, "I said it because I was afraid that you were going to say something about...sex...and I don't know if I can handle that." "Scully, I would never push you. If you're not ready...Jesus...how could it even occur to you that I wouldn't respect that?" "Mulder I never doubted you would respect that. I just...I can't...The topic is impossible for me. Forget about actually having sex. I can't even talk about it. I don't want to talk about what happened..." "What did you discuss with the counselor? How did you handle that?" "I couldn't handle the sessions with the psychologist, Mulder. I couldn't. They were hell...But it's not hard to figure out what you're supposed to say, so I did it to get it over with. You're right that I haven't dealt with it. And I was so absorbed with myself that I didn't see how it was affecting you. And I'm afraid to face it." "Scully, the trial starts in three weeks. Have you thought about how you are going to face that? He'll walk if you can't testify." "I don't care about the trial. I want to talk about us. I'll try to confront this, if you'll help me." "Scully you were right to say you didn't need me to be your psychologist. I never practiced. I studied behavioral psychology, not clinical psychology. There's a major difference. I'll go to see a psychologist with you. I'd be thrilled to do that. But I can't take responsibility for counseling you." She looked hurt. "Scully, you theoretically know how to perform by-pass surgery. Would you perform one on me if I needed one? It's the same thing." "The counseling sessions were so difficult. I felt so pressured...it moved too fast..." "If that's the case, Scully, it's either because you were speaking to an incredibly poor psychologist or because you were pushing yourself to say what they wanted to hear in a hurry to get it over with. If you let me do this with you, that won't happen." "Mulder, I can talk to you about how I'm feeling. I can't talk to you about what happened. I can't...." "Did you know I already know the details of what happened?" "I didn't tell you everything when we came back to Washington...and I hardly told you details." "Ryan's diary didn't leave out details, Scully." Her eyes snapped up to his face. "Either Skinner or I had to read it to provide the prosecutor with evidence. Under the circumstances, Skinner and I agreed I should read it." Her eyes closed. She began to cry. "Oh my, God," she whispered. "I had no idea...I should have thought of that....Mulder God only knows how exaggerated or distorted that diary might be...." "It is pretty slanted toward his view of the world...which is pretty warped. But it's either a fact or not that he...." "Don't Mulder," she cut him off. "Please don't." "Scully, the prosecutor has over fifteen pages of that diary marked for Ryan to read when she calls him to the stand. How are you going to listen to that? She is going to set that up on the stand by asking you to recount those events. Can you do that?" She remained silent. "Did you know that the defense attorney has moved to allow information about your past sexual history and the judge agreed?" Her eyes met his again. "I have been served to testify in that regard, Scully. So has one Collins Anderson. How they got his name I will never guess. Has the prosecutor discussed any of this with you?" "I haven't returned her calls." He was astonished. "Do you want Ryan to walk?" "Of course not." "Send the prosecutor in there without information...set her up for a bunch of surprises and he might. This case is not air-tight, Scully. My impression is that they intend to argue that you went willingly with Ryan." She looked amazed. "What other defense has he got, Scully? He refused to cop a plea on this. He's going to do everything he can to make you look like an irresponsible whore. I don't mean to be offensive but look at your last three boyfriends--Jack, Ryan, and me-- all co-workers, one your instructor in the academy and one your partner. That doesn't look good, Scully. You can't prove he raped you- -there are no bruises, no physical evidence of any kind. He's going to argue you wanted it. He can even testify honestly you agreed to every act." "Mulder, you know I didn't..." "Yes I do. Because I know you. And because I know how to play a hostage situation. Just like you do. But the jury, and especially women on the jury, don't have any experience in that area. It doesn't look good." She started to cry. "I'm not telling you this to upset you. I just can't believe you haven't discussed this with the prosecutor. You need to rehearse your testimony. You need to do a mock cross-examination. You need to get to a point where you can handle discussing this. The trial is in three weeks, Scully." She remained silent. "Let's tell Skinner we need the next three weeks off. We can work on this together. For the sake of the trial and most importantly for the sake of our relationship. I refuse to let Ryan destroy you...us. Do you want to give him that power?" "No," she whispered. "Then do this with me. Please." Slowly, she nodded her head. **** The night before the trial began, Mulder felt confident--that Scully would be able to stand up to the testimony and that Ryan would be found guilty. Scully obviously had less faith in herself. She and Mulder had gone to counseling together. He had also driven her to meetings with the prosecutor--making it impossible for her to avoid them. Scully had seen for the first time the evidence and arguments that Ryan's attorney intended to present and it disgusted her. She sat through these discussions trying to maintain the same attitude she would in any of the other gruesome cases she had testified for...trying to forget she was the victim. Her control was admirable. It had Mulder fooled and the prosecutor was satisfied that she'd do well during her testimony. Only Scully knew how shaky she really was. Sitting at the table for the prosecution, Scully listened to opening arguments and she felt herself slipping...slipping back in time and through space to the house. The prosecutor was describing the case, the kidnapping, the experiences in the house. It was impossible to listen. She couldn't do this. There was no way she could tell a room full of strangers that he'd raped her and then tell them the details of what he'd done. As her attorney paced in front of the jury box, Scully had a clear view of Ryan. She stole a glance at him and saw he was staring at her. His expression was hard to read--angry, still lustful, but mocking. Her spine stiffened and she returned his glare evenly. She realized suddenly that if she didn't hold it together he could get off. If he got off, he'd walk free down the same streets she did. And if he did that, it could happen all over again. She would not let that happen. She felt Mulder's hand on her shoulder. He was sitting directly behind her. She closed her eyes and leaned back against it, taking strength in his presence. When her attorney finished, Ryan's began his opening statement. Ryan's attorney was a man. That had surprised the prosecutor. A woman presenting his case would be more sympathetic. They suspected that he chose a man for his ability to intimidate Scully on the stand...fluster or confuse her. To prepare for this, the prosecutor had a number of male attorneys listen to Scully's testimony and cross-examine her. Ruthlessly. Scully had to admit, this man made her nervous as she watched him. He suggested to the jury that Scully was a sexual pervert and that she had lured Ryan to the house. He said her past sexual history would demonstrate she had a background of violence and perversion where men were concerned. Scully stared at him amazed. He would have one hell of a time proving that, she thought. Something in the jury box caught her attention and she glanced at the jury. They were looking at her as the defense lawyer spoke about her. Scully closed her eyes and despite her best efforts, a tear slid down her cheeks. She turned away from the jury. "Turn back around," her lawyer whispered. "No," Scully whispered back. "Do it," her attorney insisted. "The jury needs to see you reacting this way. It's perfect...the best testimony you can give when it comes to establishing you weren't a willing participant." "It's not an act," Scully whispered miserably. The prosecution presented its case first, calling initially the detectives and agents that collected evidence at Scully's apartment and the house in Utah. Scully could listen to this testimony with relative ease. Next she called Skinner, to testify about the fight he'd witnessed between Scully and Ryan. Finally they called Mulder. When Scully heard the prosecutor call her to the stand, time stood still. She closed her eyes. Sick, she was going to be sick. She heard the judge asking her to come forward. She clenched her fists and walked to the witness stand. Her attorney began with simple questions related to her job--describe it, how'd she get into it etc. She recognized the tactic as one designed to make her relax. She tried to do so. The questions turned to the case--how did she meet Ryan, how long were they involved, were they still involved when 'the incident' occurred? Next, she described the fight and being shot, then the house where she awakened and conditions in which she found herself. Scully tensed, expecting the inevitable. Instead, the prosecutor asked her if she's ever been involved in hostage negotiation and proceeded with a series of questions designed to explain to the jury the priorities of hostage situations. Scully again recognized the point of the questions and answered them accordingly. The prosecutor positioned herself firmly between Ryan and Scully so that Scully could no longer feel his eyes upon her. "Tell us, Agent Scully, how this knowledge regarding hostage situations helped you escape from that house. When you returned to consciousness, what did you have to do to escape?" Scully closed her eyes and spoke. Somewhere in her narrative, tears began to stream down her face, but she never opened her eyes. Several times the judge reminded her to speak up and she tried. Several times, when she was describing particularly physically painful incidents, she thought she heard Mulder cry out and she realized he was crying openly as well, but she couldn't look at him. At a few points in her narrative, she was positive she heard both Mulder and Skinner react. When she was finished, from her position on the stand, head bowed, hands over her face, she stole a glance at the jury. Several of the female members were crying openly. One of the men was as well. She closed her eyes again. "Cross examination?" she heard the judge ask. She cringed. "Not at this time, Your Honor. The defense will recall the witness at a later time." "Very well, you can step down, Agent Scully. The prosecution can call their next witness." Scully fled the stand. Settling into her seat at the prosecution's table, she put her face in her hands on the desk. "The prosecution calls Andrew Ryan," she heard her attorney say in a clear voice. "Oh God," Scully whispered to herself, looking up with fearful eyes. The prosecutor had again positioned herself between Scully and Ryan. The prosecutor opened her questions, "Mr. Ryan, did you fight with, shoot, kidnap, and falsely imprison Special Agent Dana Scully and then proceed to rape her repeatedly as she just described in her testimony?" "No I did not." "Do you deny shooting her in her apartment?" "No." "Do you deny taking her while she was unconscious to Utah and handcuffing her?" "No." "Do you deny that you did not permit her to leave that house?" "No." "Do you deny having sexual intercourse with Agent Scully?" "No." "Then how can you claim this is not assault, kidnapping, false imprisonment, and rape?" "Because she asked me to do these things. It was part of an elaborate sex game." The jury gasped, even though the opening statements had indicated this would be the defense. Scully sobbed out loud, only succeeding to silence herself by clamping her hand over her mouth. The prosecutor produced the diary Mulder had found. Ryan admitted it was his and read the sections the prosecutor marked. Scully could barely restrain herself from fleeing the room. If it had been difficult for her to describe the events in that house, it was much worse to hear Ryan read his descriptions. Scully had used sterile, medical and technical terms whenever possible to refer to those acts. Ryan had written pornographic slang. Again she was crying openly. Mulder, who had already read the diary, was stalk still. She had peered at him quickly and saw his eyes closed but face relatively composed otherwise. Skinner was another story. He was livid. Face red, Scully could see the veins on his neck pounding. She turned back to face frontward. Again, when asked to cross-examine, the defense said they would recall the witness. The prosecution rested their case and the judge adjourned the court for the day. Scully returned the next day, knowing it would be worse. "The defense calls Dana Katherine Scully to the stand." Scully's eyes closed for a moment before she rose to return to the witness stand. Her testimony when the prosecution presented their case had been difficult. She knew this would be hell. The defense attorney stood directly in front of her, blocking her view of her own attorney and of Mulder behind her. Ryan, however, she could see plainly staring right at her. She sat back against the wall of the witness stand, partially obscuring her view of Ryan. The judge reminded her that she was still under oath and she nodded. "Dana," the defense attorney began. She didn't hear the question. "Excuse me," she interrupted. The lawyer stumbled to a halt in his question. Scully continued in a low but firm voice. "You have shown every other witness in this trial the courtesy of titles and last names. Do not presume to call me by my first name. We are not friends. Agent or Dr. Scully. Not Dana." The defense attorney raised his eyebrows. Mulder smirked. Scully was not going to be easily intimidated by mind games. "I beg your pardon, Dr. Scully, I was asking you if you could identify the blonde man in the first seat of the first row behind the defendant?" Scully looked at him. "It has been years since I have seen him, but I believe that is Collins Anderson." "How do you know Mr. Anderson?" "I dated him in college." "For how long?" "If I recall correctly, about a year. A little less maybe. But not much less." "Did you ever have sexual intercourse with Mr. Anderson?" "Yes I did." The attorney pulled out a picture and handed it to Scully. Mulder saw her jaw drop and her eyes dart away from the picture. "Can you identify when that picture was taken and describe the circumstances surrounding it?" "I don't remember the actual date," she replied in an obviously shaky voice. "It would have been at the end of my relationship with Mr. Anderson. Probably in June or July of 1982. It is a picture taken in the emergency room of Memorial hospital. I went there for treatment after Mr. Anderson hit me." She heard Mulder's gasp. "Did he hit you regularly?" "No!" "Did you break up with him after this event?" "I certainly did." "Did you prosecute him for assault?" "No." "Why not?" "I was young. I didn't want my parents to find out something like that had happened to me. They would have been devastated." He handed her more pictures. Mulder saw her only glance at them before turning them over. "Can you identify those pictures?" She closed her eyes. "They are also pictures taken as evidence. I don't remember what hospitals." "What do they show? When were they taken?" "When another boyfriend hit me." "Who?" "Jack Willis." "Who was he? Can you describe your relationship with Mr. Willis?" "I met him in Quantico...the FBI training academy. He was an instructor when I was in training there in 1990. When I graduated and began to teach there myself, we dated. For about a year as well." "Did you have intercourse with Mr. Willis as well?" "Yes I did." "In fact, you lived with him most of the time you were dating him?" "Yes." "Are these pictures from one hospital visit?" "No, I believe they are from four separate visits." She stole a glance at Mulder. He was staring at her slack-jawed. "So then, he hit you fairly regularly." "He hit me four times." "Did you prosecute him any of these times?" "No." "Why didn't you leave him the first time?" "Because I was an idiot." He handed her another picture and Mulder's eyebrows went through the roof. "Can you identify this picture and the circumstances when it was taken?" "This picture is from February of 1997. It was taken in a Philadelphia hospital when I was admitted after nearly being murdered by Ed Jerse. He was convicted in 1998 on one count of murder and one count of attempted murder of a Federal Law Enforcement Officer, but was sentenced to time in a psychiatric clinic rather than prison." "How did you come to be involved with him?" "I met him in Philly while investigating a case. We went on a date." "Did you have intercourse with him?" "No." "Did he hit you?" "He had a tattoo that he thought was telling him to kill people. He didn't just hit me, he threw me against a wall, knocked me unconscious, and tried to throw me in an incinerator." "Ok, let's talk about my client. Did he ever hit you?" "To the best of my recollection, no. Except when he kidnapped me from my apartment. We fought then." "We'll come back to that. How long did you and Mr. Ryan date...before the incidents on trial here?" "A little under six months. Between May of 2000 and October of 2000." "Did you have intercourse with him at that time?" "No." "Why not." "Because I didn't want to," she answered flippantly. "Did Mr. Ryan want to?" "I don't know." "So he never pressured you?" "No, he was a perfect gentleman. Perfect." "Did you like that?" "Of course I did." "I see. Did anything physically violent or rough happen between the two of you during that time?" "I don't think so." "Mr. Ryan is prepared to testify that he handcuffed you during a fight with you. Do you recall that incident?" Scully looked at Ryan confused. "Yes, I can't imagine why he'd want to drag that...." "Can you describe that incident yourself?" Scully shrugged and recounted what had happened in her bathroom and gave a brief description of the Pfaster case. "What happened after he released you from the handcuffs?" "I was emotionally exhausted. I asked him to leave and I fell asleep." "Did he leave?" "He left the bedroom. That was all I wanted. I don't blame him for this incident. There is no way he could have known about Pfaster and he was only trying to help me. His behavior was a little rough but not really inappropriate." "What happened when he came back into the bedroom?" Scully looked at the lawyer sharply. "We talked." "Anything else?" "We kissed." "Just kissed?" "It may have gone a little past kissing." "In fact you ended up completely naked in each other's arms. Is that correct?" "Yes." "How many times before that had you been intimate in any way?" "Never. I had kissed him for the first time several nights prior. It pretty much stopped with a kiss." "How did that incident in your bedroom end? Why not consummate the relationship then?" "Mr. Ryan is undoubtedly prepared to testify that he walked away. He didn't want to take advantage of me while I was emotionally vulnerable." "Is that true? Did he walk away?" "Yes he did." "How did you feel about that?" "He did the right thing." "Didn't you break up with him a day later?" "Yes I did. But my decision to do so was not related to that incident." "The day that you broke up with him, were you hung over?" Scully glared at him. "Yes, I was." "Would you explain why?" "Because I had gone to a bar the night before and had too much to drink. What else causes a hang over?" "How did Mr. Ryan find you that day?" "He didn't. Agent Mulder did. They found me staying with a mutual friend in the bar where I had gotten drunk." "What were you doing at that bar?" "We've already established I was getting drunk." "Ok, how did the night end?" "I don't remember. I was too drunk." "Miss Scully, the owner of that bar, Jack Harrison, is prepared to testify that he had prevented you from going home with a group of men. Is that what you recall?" "I don't recall anything." "Do you often go home with groups of men in bars?" "Objection! He is badgering the witness and asking her to testify to hearsay evidence," her attorney stood, angrily. "I'll rephrase the question," the defense lawyer stated. "Where did you meet Ed Jerse?" "In a tattoo parlor." "And you went out with him?" "Yes I did." There was a pause. "Are you currently involved romantically with anyone, Dr. Scully?" "Yes." "With?" "Fox Mulder." "And how long have you known Mr. Mulder?" "Seven years." "How long have you and he been romantically involved?" "About five months, but two of those months are the two in question in this trial." "And how did you meet him?" "For seven years he has been my partner in the FBI." "There are no regulations about dating your partner?" "It is discouraged but not prohibited." "Why is it discouraged?" "It is considered dangerous. It might negatively affect reactions in life or death situations in the field." "It's dangerous then. Has Mr. Mulder ever hit you?" Scully's brow furrowed. She looked angry. "Certainly not." "Have you had intercourse with Mr. Mulder?" "Yes I have." "Have you ever engaged in any unusual sexual practices with Mr. Mulder?" "This is outrageous!" Mulder yelled leaning forward in his seat directly behind the prosecutor. "Order!" yelled the judge. "Past sexual history was ruled admissible in this case. You will answer the question Dr. Scully." Scully lowered her eyes. "Define unusual practices," she said. "Did you, for example, ever engage in bondage?" Scully closed her eyes. Mulder exploded. "This is completely outrageous!" The courtroom burst into confusion--Mulder yelling, the lawyers raising objections. The judge's voice raised above them all. "One more outburst Mr. Mulder and I will hold you in contempt." Mulder's eyes were on fire. "I hold you in contempt. Past sexual history is normally inadmissible because it puts the victim on trial. How can you allow this travesty....?" "Bailiff, remove Mr. Mulder. Mr. Hancock," she said to the defense lawyer. "I permitted this but I am leaning towards reversing that decision. Come to your point quickly." "I'm almost there if the witness will answer the question," he replied. Scully was watching the bailiff drag Mulder, still yelling, from the court. "Answer the question, Dr. Scully." "Yes," she responded quietly. "We did once." "Will you describe it please?" Scully looked at him, astonished. "What would you like to know?" "Bondage typically involves restraints. Who restrained whom? Scully answered, eyes closed, tears flowing freely. "Mulder handcuffed me to the bed," she whispered. "He handcuffed you to the bed?" he repeated in a loud voice that made her flinch. "Yes." "Did you enjoy this?" "I can't deny that I did." "Dr. Scully, Have you heard of the term 'Domination' in a sexual context?" "Yes I have." "Can you define it for those of us that haven't?" "It refers to people who receive sexual gratification from controlling another person or by being controlled. It often involved control through bondage, physical abuse, or psychological abuse such as humiliation." "You are very knowledgeable." "Is that a question?" "Sure. Why are you so knowledgeable?" She looked at him coldly. "Because I am a pathologist and FBI agent. I can define and have investigated a variety of sexually deviant behaviors. Is that significant, somehow?" "Have you investigated a number of cases involving sexual dominance?" "Unfortunately, I have." "Have those cases made you curious, Dr. Scully?" "What!" "Are you curious? Are you interested in experimenting with deviant sexual behavior? Are you interested in experimenting with Domination?" "I am not interested in any such thing." "Why did you do it then, with Mr. Mulder?" "Mr. Mulder is not Mr. Ryan. Mr. Mulder and I did that once. Once. I had never done it before and I can assure you that after the experiences of the last year, I never will again." "But wasn't all of your past sexual contact some variation of the same thing? All of your past boyfriends have been dangerous...violent in some way. They have hit you but you didn't prosecute them. You stayed with Jack Willis for a year even though he hit you repeatedly. Did you like it? Do you need the danger to enjoy sexual contact? Is that why you didn't have sex with Mr. Ryan prior to November 2000? He wasn't dangerous enough. Is that why the one time you did initiate sexual contact with him was after he handcuffed you in your bathroom? Did you end the relationship because he was too much of a gentleman to respond to violent sexual contact?" "No!" "Mr. Ryan is going to testify that you asked him to take you to that house. That it was an elaborate sexual game and that when he wanted out, you tried to kill him. Did you enjoy bondage with Mr. Ryan as you enjoyed it with Mr. Mulder?" "Mulder didn't rape me. Mulder didn't shoot me, drag me to a house, lock me in it, and cuff me to a bed until I was bleeding." "Isn't it true that you found the actions in that house exciting?" "I found them revolting!" "No more questions, Your Honor." "Cross examination?" the judge asked Scully's lawyer. She stood and looked at Scully apologetically. "You know we have to do this," she said quietly. Scully nodded. "Ok, Agent Scully," she continued in a louder voice, "since the defense wants to claim that you enjoy deviant sexual behavior, let's investigate that more carefully. Have you, before the events of October through December 2000, ever engaged in any of the following sexual practices: Anal sex?" "No." "Oral sex?" "No." "Multiple sexual partners?" "No." "Group sex?" "No." "One night stands?" "No." "Have you ever purchased the services of a prostitute?" "No!" "Have you ever gone to a strip club or seen men or women dance or perform naked?" "Outside the line of duty, no." "Homosexual or bisexual encounters or behaviors of any nature?" "No." "Sex in public locations?" "No." "Voyeurism?" "No." "Fetish behaviors?" "No." "Sex with a minor?" "Of course not." "Bestiality?" "God!...No!" "Sex in any of the following positions," and the prosecutor rattled off a list of terms that actually made Scully laugh. "Beyond the first two things you said, I don't even know what you're talking about. I have no idea whether I've done those things but I doubt it." "What positions have you had sex in, Dr. Scully?" Scully was already blushing but she felt the color rise in her cheeks even more. "Every time but once, I was lying on my back in the bed...once I was on top." "That's it? And the only place you've ever had sex was in a bed?" "Once in a shower...Mulder's," she whispered, eyes closed. "Have you alone or with a partner ever used any sort of sex toy-- dildos...?" "No." "Have you ever purchased pornography of any sort--videos, magazines, books...?" "No." "Sadist or masochistic practices such as the use of whips or other instruments to inflict pain?" "No!" "Have you ever asked a sexual partner to hurt you or been asked to hurt a sexual partner? "No." "Have you ever derived sexual pleasure through pain or fear?" "No." "Agent Scully, do you often see violence in your line of work?" "Everyday." "How does it make you feel? Does it make you want to experience violence?" "Sick. It makes me sick. I could have gone into practice as a doctor and made a fortune. I became...I am an FBI agent to fight violence." "You indicated in your testimony that you had sex with Mr. Anderson, Mr. Willis, and Mr. Mulder. How many other men have you had sex with?" "And Mr. Ryan. That's all." "So, voluntarily, with three men?" "Yes." "How old were you when you lost your virginity?" "I was 19." "How long had you been in that relationship when you had intercourse with Mr. Anderson?" "Almost a year." "How long was it before the next time you had sexual intercourse?" "It would have been about five years." "That was Mr. Willis?" "Yes." "Why did you live with him?" "Because I wanted the commitment...needed it to feel comfortable with the sexual intimacy of the relationship. I was too young and inexperienced to realize that living with someone didn't necessarily represent commitment." "So you feel that commitment is an important factor in enjoying sexual intercourse." "Essential, yes." "And then between that time and the next time?" "That would have been...almost ten years." "But in those five and ten year periods you had regular sexual contact that didn't involve intercourse?" "When I was in college I dated regularly and I certainly kissed those men, but not much else. Since I became a field agent, I don't have time for those things. Before Mr. Ryan and I began dating, I hadn't been on a date since 1991. Except for Ed Jerse." "So you wouldn't consider yourself to have a voracious sexual appetite?" She laughed softly at that. "No, not really." "Would you consider yourself sexually aggressive, Agent Scully?" "Hardly," she laughed. "No not at all." "If I put Mr. Anderson, Mr. Willis, or Mr. Mulder on the stand, would they say you are sexually aggressive?" "Objection, the question requires the witness to speculate on the opinions of others." "Sustained." "Ok, Agent Scully, have any of those men commented on your attitudes towards sexuality to you?" "Yes, Agent Mulder has told me on several occasions that he thinks I'm far too conservative. That I won't do...I'm obviously uncomfortable trying...unusual...non-standard things. Mr. Willis said that often as well...but he's dead, you can't confirm that." "Do you often experiment with new or different sexual behaviors, Agent Scully?" "Almost never. The closest things that I've ever done that could be defined as sexually deviant have all been with Agent Mulder." "Specify again what those things were." Scully looked down. "We did use the handcuffs once...and we made love in the shower once...that's all really." "Why him?" Her voice and expression softened. "I've known him for seven years. When you are partnered with someone that long, you get to know them very well. I spend at least 12 hours a day, at least five but usually six or seven days a week with him--normally in close conditions like hotels or cars during stakeouts. Your life depends on knowing each other extremely well. I have to know exactly how Mulder will react in life and death situations so I know how to react myself. I know Mulder better than I know my own brothers. He knows me better than my mother does. I trust him implicitly. In the field, my life is literally in his hands. If he told me to jump off a twenty-story building, I'd do it without hesitation, assuming he knew what he was doing. When our relationship changed from being just friends to being...romantically involved, it wasn't hard to extend the trust that was already so fundamental in all other aspects of our lives to intimate relationships." "So trust is important to you in intimate relationships?" "Very." "Do you like to experience fear in connection with sexual contact?" "No." "You stated before that you never experimented with bondage except that one time with Agent Mulder. Why do it then?" She sighed and looked down. "We had been discussing...joking about the topic. He knows I don't like to be out of control and I think he was enjoying teasing me about something he assumed would set me off. Later that day, when we were...making love in my bedroom...he was undressing me. We had been in the office that day and I was wearing my gun and cuffs. I'm required to wear them while I'm on a case. He took my holster and cuffs off my belt when he was unfastening it. One of us made a joke about it again...I don't remember...it just went from there. All he did was handcuff me and then do the same things we always did. Nothing else. There was certainly no pain involved. And when I asked him to unlock the cuffs, he did. Immediately. I wouldn't have done it at all if I had the slightest doubt he wouldn't." "Why did you enjoy it?" "I love Mulder. I enjoy having sex with him. He is a very intense man, including in the bedroom. I didn't specifically enjoyed being handcuffed." "So Agent Mulder is a good lover?" "Yes." "He satisfies you?" "Yes." "Then why would you leave him to go off with Mr. Ryan?" "I didn't voluntarily go off with Mr. Ryan. He shot me, he kidnapped me, and he held me against my will for almost two months." "That's all your honor." She moved to sit down and Scully stood to leave the stand. "Oh wait." Scully looked at her painfully. "Did you ever tell Mr. Ryan about your experience with Mr. Mulder and handcuffs, Agent Scully?" "No, come to think of it, I didn't." "Did you ever video tape yourself and any man having sexual relations?" Th is question clearly caught Scully off guard. "Are you insane? Certainly not!" "That is all your honor." "Redirect, Your Honor," said the defense attorney. The judge nodded. "Ms. Scully, did you or did you not agree to every sexual act that occurred in that house in Utah? Yes or no?" "Not willingly." "But you agreed?" "Not willingly, no." "Did Mr. Ryan physically force himself on you?" "No, he coerced...." "No further questions, Your Honor." "You can step down, Agent Scully." Scully left the stand. Sitting next to her attorney, she let her face drop into her hands again. "The defense calls Andrew Ryan." And indeed, Scully listened to him testify that she had wanted to go to the house, that it was a bondage game, that she had agreed to every act. She looked up when the judge called for cross-examination and saw the jury was staring at her. She realized that she must appear to be literally cringing in the chair and she straightened up. She glanced behind her, wishing that Mulder hadn't gotten himself thrown out of the courtroom, and saw Skinner had moved up behind her. He put his hand on her shoulder when she leaned back in her chair. She put her hand over his, squeezing hard. He returned the squeeze. "I know it may not seem like it from your point of view, but this is going very well. And here's where it gets better," he whispered to her. "Mr. Ryan, you testified that you took Agent Scully to Utah at her request. Did you attack her in her apartment? Did you shoot her?" "Yes. I don't deny that." "And this was part of the game?" "She wanted to feel completely out of control so she asked me to surprise her and take her away forcibly. She said any force necessary." "So you shot her?" Do you think she liked that?" "She stayed with me. She had sex with me afterwards." "Right. To play this little game, did you and Agent Scully take vacation time? "It was kind of spur of the moment. We didn't put in for vacation." "So essentially, you and she both simply abandoned your jobs? A job she has been working at for ten years and one you have been working for four years?" "Yes." "Why would you do that? Why would she?" "I guess she did it because she was so wrapped up in the game. She couldn't control it anymore." "And you?" "I'm so much younger than she is. It was all very overwhelming." "So you are saying she confused you. She manipulated you." "Yes." "Mr. Ryan, what about the diary you read during your previous testimony? How was that part of this game?" "She liked me to write stuff like that and read it to her. Sometimes we'd write down stuff and then act it out." "I see. Could we look at that diary again?" The bailiff handed it to her. "Mr. Ryan, in what month did you and Agent Scully begin dating?" "In February, I think." "When was your first case together?" "That same month." "And that's when you met her?" "Yes." "In February of 2000?" "Yes." "But Mr. Ryan, there are references in this diary to Agent Scully that significantly pre-date February 2000. You first mention her in March of 1999, I think." "That entire diary was written in the last few months. It's all fiction. Part of the game." "So most of the events in here didn't really happen. Like the video taping of her apartment referred to here on pages 24, 36, and 49 of the diary. Could you read this please?" He complied, reading a section of the diary, which mentioned videos of Mulder and Scully in her apartment. Scully's jaw dropped. "So all that is part of the game?" the prosecutor repeated. Ryan looked nervous. "Yes, she liked to pretend that I'd been watching her." "Right. But those video tapes never existed?" "No." "But Mr. Ryan weren't you charged with Federal indictments of illegal surveillance and didn't you plead to lesser charges just last month?" "Objection, your honor. My client's previous convictions are not admissible." "They are if he just lied on the stand under oath. He just said he didn't videotape Agent Scully. That this diary was fiction. Did he or didn't he? Is it or isn't it?" "There was no trial...there is no evidence that Mr. Ryan illegally video taped Ms. Scully specifically." "Sustained, it is true that you can't prove it was your client he video taped." "Yes I can, Your Honor. I have the tape right here, or at least one of them. Over four hundred such videotapes were obtained under a federal search warrant. These videos have Mr. Ryan's fingerprints on them as did the surveillance equipment found in Agent Scully's and Agent Mulder's homes. If Mr. Ryan has lied on the stand, I would like an opportunity to prove that." "I will allow this line of questioning to continue. You are under oath Mr. Ryan." The prosecutor continued, "Would you like to reconsider your testimony that you didn't video tape Agent Scully?" "I did video tape her." Scully was literally sitting on the edge of her chair, leaning over the table before her, eyes wide and hand over her mouth. "So that part of the diary is factual?" "Yes it is." "Ok. Your honor I would like to play for the jury a portion of the video tape found by Assistant Director Skinner in Mr. Ryan's VCR at the time of the search. I would like to warn the jury, this tape may offend some of you. The people you will see in the video are my client, Agent Scully, and her boyfriend, Agent Mulder." She hit play. The tape was of Scully, handcuffed to the bed in her apartment, Mulder lying on top of her, kissing her. "Oh my God!" Scully clamped her hand over her mouth and ran from the courtroom. The prosecutor stopped the tape. "Would you like a recess to collect your client?" the judge asked. "No, Your Honor. I'd like to finish this line of questioning first." "Proceed." "Did you make that video tape, Mr. Ryan?" "Yes, I have already plead guilty to illegal surveillance." "Were you watching that video immediately before you and Agent Scully went to Utah? It was in your VCR?" "Yes I was." "How did you feel when Mr. Mulder and Dr. Scully began dating, Mr. Ryan. Were you jealous?" "Yes, I was," he responded coldly. "So you admit the part of this diary that says you video taped Agent Scully is not fiction, yet you claim you wrote all the rest of it as part of sex game. That all the rest is fiction. Are you sure it's not also truth and not fiction when you write, and I quote, 'She may be here against her will now. But I will teach her to love me. I will make her forget Fox Mulder and she will love me.' Was that fiction or fact, Mr. Ryan?" Ryan stared at her. "I have no further questions, Your Honor." "Re-direct?" he asked the defense attorney. "No, Your Honor." "You may step down, Mr. Ryan. This court will take a one-hour recess. Collect your client, Ms. Jansberry." **** Skinner and the prosecutor quickly exited the courtroom. Scully was no where to be seen. The prosecutor looked into the women's restroom. "She's in here," she said to Skinner. Skinner entered without hesitation. "You can't come in here, sir," Scully stammered. "I don't care. I'm going to lock the outside door so no one else comes in. Is that alright?" Scully nodded slowly. "If that makes you uncomfortable, Scully, I won't. I just don't want to scare some old woman." "It's ok," she said as convincingly as she could. Skinner turned and locked the door. "I take it you didn't know the prosecutor was going to do that?" he began with a gentle voice. She looked at him hard. "I didn't know those tapes existed. I didn't know Ryan copped a plea on that. Mulder didn't tell me specifically on what. Oh my God, sir, what else is on those tapes? Who's seen them?" "Ryan, obviously, given what he told the defense attorney about you and Mulder. And Mulder--I asked him to catalogue the tapes. That's all we know. I wouldn't be surprised if some of Ryan's partner's in crime have seen them. No one else at the Bureau has, including me. As far as what's on them...Mulder said they appeared to be your living room, bedroom, and kitchen 24 hours a day for about the last year. You guess from there what's on them." "Oh my God," she repeated. She looked ill. "What did Ryan plea to?" "Invasion of privacy...two years, no parole. Federal, since a Federal agent is involved. Of course, it also got him dismissed from the Bureau." "It's not enough. How could they accept a plea without even speaking to me?" Skinner didn't answer. "Where's Mulder?" she asked tiredly. "Oh, he'll get jail time for that outburst. I'm guessing thirty days. I called Kimberly on my cell phone. She's looking into it and she'll call when she gets something." "Thirty.... I'm going to kill him for that. We've got to talk to the judge...." "I'll go try, Scully. Are you ok?" "I'm wishing Ryan had killed me, sir. This is killing me. It's a worse nightmare than the experience itself. I'll never criticize another victim for not testifying. I'm not even sure I'll be able to try to talk them into it." "For the record, I agree with Mulder. I think this whole defense has been a complete travesty. The thing to remember is, despite that, you did an excellent job. The jury members were not reacting well to the defense. Ryan is going to get life, I guarantee it." "I hope you're right, sir." **** During the recess, Skinner went and talked with the judge about Mulder, explaining his importance to Scully's emotional stability and pointing out the circumstances under which he'd made his comments. He begged the judge to fine Mulder but release him. Fortunately, the judge was sympathetic and agreed--to the maximum fine allowable by law. She also banned Mulder from the courtroom. The defense rested its case after the recess and the judge adjourned the court for lunch, asking for closing arguments when they returned. Scully endured this process as stoically as she could but as the judge was giving instructions to the jury, her head fell again to her hands. He reminded them that this was a criminal trial and that the defendant might receive life in prison if convicted...that the prosecution must prove their case not with a preponderance of evidence, but rather beyond a shadow of a doubt. As Scully watched the jury retire, she prayed that they could see the truth. She got up. "Can I contact you on your cell phone Agent Scully?" the prosecutor asked as Scully moved to leave. She took some satisfaction in seeing Ryan led back to his cell to wait for the verdict. "They won't come back tonight, will they? It's almost three o'clock." "If our case is strong in their minds...if there are no hold-outs, they'll come back quickly. I'm confident they will." "I wish I had your faith," Scully smiled weakly, leaning appreciatively on Skinner who had come forward to lead her out. "I've been in the courtroom almost fifteen years, Agent Scully. They'll come back tonight. Don't go too far." Scully nodded. Skinner turned to her. "Mulder is outside. Do you want to...?" She was already heading for the door. He was sitting on the bench outside when she burst through the courtroom door. He stood, concern written plainly on his face. Oblivious to anyone else's presence, she threw herself into his arms, burying her face against his chest. He looked at Skinner for an explanation. "The jury has retired. The prosecutor seems to think it will be a fast verdict. She asked us to hang around. I talked to the judge for you by the way, you idiot." "Thank you, sir," Mulder replied. Scully turned. "Yes, thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that." "I did it for you, Scully. Not Mulder. You've got to learn to keep your big mouth shut mister, and thirty days might not have been such a bad way to do it." "Twenty thousand dollars is no small fine, sir." "Twenty thousand!" Scully and Skinner marveled in unison. "Good God, Mulder! Where are you going to get that kind of money?" Scully added. "I have it. I certainly can think of cooler things to spend it on. But I have it. I already paid it off. Let's get something to eat and find someplace else to talk." **** Scully walked back into the courtroom with a sense of dread. The jury had deliberated only one hour. She knew that was supposed to be a good sign for the prosecution, but she was scared to death. She knew she'd never make it if they set Ryan free. She'd kill him and happily go to jail herself. She wished Mulder could be in the courtroom. "Have you reached a verdict?" "We have Your Honor." The jury foreman handed a piece of paper to the bailiff, who carried it to the judge. She looked at it and returned it. The process seemed to last forever to Scully. "Alright, on the first count: Assault with a deadly weapon on a Federal Agent, how do you find the defendant?" "Guilty, Your Honor." Scully broke into tears of relief as the prosecutor and Skinner patted her on the back and began the congratulations. "On the second count: Kidnapping a Federal Agent, how do you find the defendant? "Guilty, Your Honor." "On the third count: False imprisonment, how do you find the defendant?" "Guilty, Your Honor." "And on the fourth count: First degree rape, how do you find the defendant?" "Guilty, Your Honor." Scully vaguely heard the judge polling the individual jury members regarding their verdicts. More than anything else, she wanted out of that courtroom. She wanted to tell Mulder. She wanted to begin to live again. The judge instructed the jury and attorneys to return on such and such date to deliberate on sentencing and adjourned the court for the day. Scully turned to leave and found herself face to face with Ryan in the aisle between the lawyers' tables. Automatically, she stepped back. The look on his face was one of rage. Skinner stepped forward and interposed himself, his broad shoulders blocking Scully's view of Ryan entirely. Ryan turned and the officers handcuffed him. Scully made her way down the aisle to the exit. Mulder stood upon seeing her, brows furrowed. There were tears still running down her cheeks. "Scully," he breathed. "He couldn't have walked?" "No, no Mulder. Guilty on all four counts." She relaxed into his arms, holding him tight. "Thank God," Mulder whispered. He held her for a moment until Skinner emerged as well. "I'm taking her home," Mulder said. Skinner nodded. "Get some rest. Both of you." They left. Mulder led her to the car, watching her carefully. She was nearly as dazed as she had been the night they returned to Washington. It was obvious to Mulder that she was completely emotionally drained. "Your apartment or mine?" he asked as he started the car. "Do you mind if we go to mine? I'd like to take a nice, long, hot bath." "Yours it is. I could get us something to eat while you soak. What would you like? Something nicer then pizza or Chinese...what if I went and got something from that new Italian restaurant?" "God, Mulder, that would be excellent. Get some wine too. I'm actually in the mood to celebrate. I can't believe this is over." "Are you going to make a statement at his sentencing?" "Definitely. I want life, Mulder. I can't take any less than that. He'll get it too. I'll see to that." "You already did. I can't believe how well you handled that trial, Scully. It was completely intolerable. I've never met anyone who could have stood up to that. I couldn't have," he laughed, "as we both saw. I am so sorry for making that outburst. I was so angry with myself. I wanted to be there with you...." "It was probably better that you didn't hear all of that. That was doubtlessly the most thorough analysis ever done of any aspect of my life. The interviews for my security clearance weren't nearly as stringent." She sighed. "That was worse than the experience itself, Mulder. Really. I can't believe it was allowed." "Well, as the defense attorney argued, there was no case...no defense, otherwise. Of course, there was no other defense because what he did was undefendable...but never mind that." He looked at her. "Point is, Scully, it worked out perfectly. You didn't see the way the jury was looking at you and the defense attorney. The men on the jury were murderous. The women looked like they'd die at any minute. You want to talk about a strategy that backfired...that was it. Big time. And Ryan is going to jail for a very long time, you can put this behind you, and you never have to see anyone in that courtroom ever again. There were no cameras...Skinner actually managed to keep the press low key...for a horrific situation, it worked out ok." "Mulder, I am so ashamed that Skinner heard all that. You missed the worse. The defense attorney obviously asked me about the time you and I...well after we watched that video...." "Got it." "Well, after making me describe that, he asked me if I liked it that way with Ryan as much as I liked it with you." Mulder almost ran the car off the road. "He asked you what!" Mulder screamed, looking at her with wild eyes. Scully actually feared for the safety of the defense attorney if Mulder ever saw him again. "I had to answer that. And then he asked me if I could define 'domination' in a sexual content. When I did, he asked me if I liked that sort of thing. It was incredible. But the worst part was when the damn prosecutor stood up and asked me if I'd ever done this or that...all these sexual things just to make me answer 'no' over and over again so the jury could see I wasn't some kind of pervert." Scully actually laughed. "I'm going to request the transcripts of that part of the trial through work. I want you to explain to me some of the things she was referring to. I honestly have no idea what they are." Mulder burst out laughing at that. "I might not know, Scully." "You might not. It got pretty out there." She shook her head for a few minutes, obviously remembering. "God, Mulder. I am so glad that is over." They were silent for a few minutes and then Scully burst out laughing again. "Share with me," Mulder said dryly. "I could use the laugh." "Do you remember when you asked me about my past...how reluctant I was to even admit to you that I'd slept with two men? God what a joke. I just told a whole room full of perfect strangers every one of the minutest details of my entire sex life and I was afraid to tell the person I know best that I'd slept with two other men. So, Mulder...any questions? I guess I've got nothing to hide now." Her tone was joking but Mulder knew it covered the deep embarrassment, humiliation, and pain she was feeling. "Scully," he said solemnly, "what you did in that court room...what you said...was the bravest thing I have ever seen anyone do. I know exactly how difficult it was for you. I know you are a very private person. Just remember...doing it put the son-of-a-bitch away. It was worth it. Even it you can't see it right now." "I know it was worth it. I see that right now...since he's going to jail. It's just extremely humiliating. Thank God I never did anything I needed to be ashamed of." "Scully, can I ask you why you never told me about what happened between you and Willis?" he asked quietly. "I was young, Mulder. And like I said, I was an idiot. I can't imagine where they dug up those records. I never wanted anyone to know about that." "I can't imagine you tolerating that sort of treatment." "You're only that young and that stupid once Mulder. I can't imagine it now either. I didn't have much self- confidence then. My dad really opposed my choice of careers and Jack was very supportive of it. It was an approval thing. It's hard to explain" "I understand. I really shouldn't pressure you to..." "I'm fine, Mulder. I really am. I feel better than I have in months." She laughed. "Take advantage of your opportunity, Mulder. I'll probably answer any question you ask after today." Mulder pulled into a parking space on the street in front of her apartment. "I'm glad you're feeling better, Scully," he said smiling. With his hand on her back, he guided her up the walk to her apartment building. **** SCULLY'S APARTMENT GEORGETOWN Scully unlocked the door and went straight for the bathroom. Mulder heard the water running. He was ordering the Italian when she came back into the living room. She waited for him to hang up. "Mulder, tell me about the surveillance equipment you found in here." He looked at her nervously. "What do you want to know?" "Why didn't you tell me? Start with that." "I couldn't. I tried. It was too much...on top of everything else." "Do you think it was easier for me to see one run in court and find out that way?" He stared at her, a pained, troubled expression in his eyes. "Whatever. Where did you find the equipment?" "All the rooms except the bath." "Did you get all of it?" "We're pretty certain, yes." She hesitated. "Ok, I'm going to go try to enjoy this bath and pretend like I believe I'm not being filmed while I'm in it." "I'll have dinner back here by the time you're done. Ok?" She smiled and he left to pick up the food. True to his promise, as usual, when Scully emerged from the bath, Mulder had her table set with food, wine, and candles. She smiled broadly at the candles. Mulder pulled the chair out for her and she sat down. She was dressed in satin pajamas with a matching satin robe. She smelled of the bath salts--a fruity, flowery smell that Mulder associated with her. He was struck, as he often was, by how beautiful she was. And by how much he wanted her. He banished the thought and served her the wine. They toasted the victory and ate dinner. Scully smiled at his weak jokes. Somewhere in the middle of the dinner, Mulder realized that Scully was really smiling, really laughing. Like she used to. This was no act. Not her going through the motions. She really seemed happy and relaxed. Mulder relaxed and smiled himself. By the time dinner was done and the wine was gone Mulder almost felt normal. He got up to clear the table and Scully helped him. He watched as she rinsed the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. The satin robe clung to her and he enjoyed watching her body as she bent over the dishwasher to arrange the dishes. So slender...delicate...shapely. She glanced behind her and caught the expression on his face. She turned to face him, amused, and he realized he'd been caught. "Sorry," he whispered and looked away. She walked into his arms. "It's ok," she whispered back to him. She slid her hands up his chest, to his face. He closed his eyes. Her hands slipped behind his neck and she pulled him down. Their lips met for the first time in four months. He kissed her gently and she returned the kiss hungrily, pressing herself against him. Hands on her waist, he pulled her closer still and his lips slid from hers to her neck. "God, Mulder," she moaned. Her tone was plainly lustful. His hands roamed over the satin robe. Pulling it open, he pushed it off her shoulders. It fell in a mint green pool on the floor. The buttons of her pajama top were next. Very slowly he unbuttoned them, his lips following his hands. When the top was unbuttoned, he pushed it open revealing her body. He glided his hands over her bare body up her waist to brush his thumbs on the underside of her breasts. "Beautiful," he whispered against her skin. His breath tickled. She moaned again. He looked at her, raw desire in his eyes. "Scully, stop this now. You can stop this now." "I don't want to stop." "I want you, Scully," his voice was low, rough. "I want to make love to you." His hands ran aggressively across her body as he spoke. He was clearly barely in control. Scully pulled his lips to hers again and kissed him passionately. "I want you to make love to me," she said in a strong voice. "I want...." She didn't get to finish her statement. Mulder picked her up in his arms and carried her to the bedroom. As he laid her on the bed, his lips and hands descended on her breasts. She closed her eyes. Her breathing was almost as fast as her heartbeat. He covered her with his body, pulling her against him hard, possessing her. She felt desire overwhelm her. He pulled off his tie and shirt in one motion. She touched his chest lightly, reveling in the feeling of touching a man she wanted to be with. His reaction encouraged more and he fairly growled when her hands grazed his rock hard erection through his pants. She pulled at his belt but he pushed her hands away and pulled it off himself. He kneeled over her and pushed his pants off and hers as well. He worshipped her body with his hands, his lips, his tongue. He circled her nipples with his tongue, kneading her breasts with his hands. He bit them lightly and she writhed under him, arching her back to lift her body and encourage his touch. His hands moved to her body, moving strongly over her back, waist, hips. His lips moved to her flat stomach. She knew what he would do next and she moaned in anticipation. His hands parted her legs and lightly brushed over her thighs and the V of auburn curls. She moaned again. His fingers played over her slick folds. She raised her hips, pushing against his hands. He entered her with his fingers. His mouth teased her. He placed kisses on her thighs, her stomach, her hips...before finally falling on where she wanted them most. He licked her clit and then began to suck it. She fairly screamed and came instantly. When she relaxed, he shifted his weight, covering her body with his again, he returned to kissing her neck and breasts. The intensity of her orgasm surprised her. Her mind was swimming. She was still in a pleasure-induced daze when she felt his erection pressing against her. When he entered her in one swift stroke, she gasped and he froze. "Are you alright?" he asked somewhat panicked. "Yes," she answered with a soft voice. She felt him begin to pull away from her. She stopped him with her hands on his hips. "I want this," she whispered. "I just wasn't ready...I was still focusing on...." She trailed off and he smiled and relaxed against her. He leaned down and kissed her deeply. In a moment, he felt her hips buck gently against him. He grasped her hips and began to slide in and out of her. She moaned again and soon they both climaxed together. When her body relaxed again, he pulled her against him. "I love you, Scully," he whispered in her ear over and over. **** Scully awoke in the middle of the night with a start. Mulder was lying next to her, still naked. He was actually asleep, lying on his side, facing her. He had kicked the covers off himself. She admired his body. He had a phenomenal body for a man half his age. She lightly ran her hand over his waist and hips. Her hand moved up to his hair, brushing it from his eyes. She touched his lips with her fingers. He opened his eyes blearily. "Scully?" he whispered, still getting his bearings. They very rarely stayed in her apartment. "What is it? Are you ok?" She looked at him. He couldn't read her expression. "For two months," she whispered, "I tolerated what he did to me by pretending it was you...your hands, your lips. The hardest part was waking up next to him and seeing him, not you. I was just enjoying looking at you." He closed his eyes and pulled her against to him. "It's over, Scully. It's always going to be me here beside you. I want you here, always." "I will be." He kissed her gently and let his hands roam over her body softly. When he pulled away from her, there was a question in his eyes. He tried to disguise it, but she saw it. "Ask me," she whispered. "It's about Ryan," he warned. "Ask me." He looked at her, in his arms. "Scully, you don't believe I would do any of the things he did to you, do you?" "No, Mulder. I know you'd never do anything you thought I didn't want. I don't have the slightest doubt of that." "How could you imagine it was me...forcing you to...do things I know you'd never do...things that I know hurt you. I would never hurt you physically." "I know that, Mulder... but I... had to do something to shut it out. If I didn't, I would have lost my mind. He didn't hurt me often...." she trailed off. There was a pause. "I read the diary. I read it the day after we returned to Washington when it came in with the other evidence. I had to know what he did to you. I read it and I knew. But hearing you describe it yesterday on the stand was different. Ryan didn't see...he didn't describe your pain. I've seen that now. " He paused and Scully felt his body tense. "That man should be very glad he got convicted. Nothing can happened to him in prison that could top what I spent the afternoon imagining doing to him. But I can imagine some things happening to him in prison that are pretty satisfying...." "Don't Mulder. Don't. I hope nothing happens to him. He's insane, Mulder. That's obvious. He wanted me to love him and he thought he could make that happen...." "Is this how he thought he could make you love him?" Mulder interrupted angrily, jabbing a finger at a scar on her body. He didn't want to imagine its origin. "I spent seven years wondering how I could make you love me. Do you think it ever occurred to me to...." "Don't Mulder. Please. I don't want to hear you say those things. I spent seven years wanting you as well. When I finally had what I wanted, Ryan took it away for two months. I finally have it back...I finally have you back...and my life back. I don't want to give him another moment of my life. He's had enough of it. I want you to have it now. I love you Fox Mulder. Like I've never loved anyone. You're all I need." "God I love you, Scully," he kissed her again. "I would do anything to make you forget...to make it never happen," he whispered between kisses. "I don't remember...I don't think about it when I'm with you. I told you, you are all I need to get through this." He kissed her again, holding her desperately, his body still tense. "Mulder, I'm worried about you. I've never seen you this out of control." "I've never been this angry. Nothing has ever hurt me this much. If I know you're alright, then I will be too." "I am, Mulder." He nodded, and returned to kissing her. **** They spent the next day in routine activities and Scully luxuriated in the feeling of normality--a feeling she hadn't experienced in almost a year. That night, she was reading a book in Mulder's apartment while he flipped through some papers. He had been silent since they finished dinner...since he started with that file. Scully watched him work. Finally curiosity got the better of her. "Is that our next case?" she asked looking at him from over her book. He looked up. "It's the trial transcript," he replied softly. She raised her eyebrows. He looked down. "Do you care if I read it?" "Of course not, Mulder. If twelve perfect strangers could hear it, there's no reason why you shouldn't." "Good," he smirked. "'cause I'm mostly done with it." He looked over at her seriously. "I'm extremely glad I didn't see most of this. I...." "Don't, Mulder. I don't want to think about it...not because I'm trying not to deal with it, not because I'm avoiding it. I just don't want to think about standing in front of a room of people answering questions about whether I've had homosexual experiences," she snorted. So did he. "That was hilarious...when you think about it." He laughed. "Like you said...at least she didn't ask you anything you had to answer 'yes' to." "Little risk of that, Mulder. I've had a pretty tame sex life. Besides, we carefully designed the questions before hand so she didn't ask any I'd say 'yes' to. Note she said 'purchased' pornography and not watched it." "Still, you lied during your testimony, you know," was looking at her with a mild expression, slightly amused, slightly shocked. "I certainly did not." "You said you had not experienced oral sex. I believe you had." Not knowing how she would react to this discussion, he was trying not to leer at her. She blushed but didn't turn away from him or change her expression. "I assumed the prosecutor was referring to performing oral sex. In which case, my answer was true," she responded with a mischievous look on her face. "But you needn't fear. My experiences receiving oral sex were quite memorable. I haven't forgotten them." He did leer at her now. "So, Agent Scully." He read from the transcripts, "Agent Mulder is a good lover and he satisfies you?" She blushed even harder at that. "Yes," she whispered. Her expression was suggestive. He looked at her darkly. "I'd like to confirm that...just to be certain," he said hoarsely, desire in his eyes. "You are always a thorough investigator," she whispered as his lips took hers. "Maybe you can show me what some of those things the prosecutor was referring to mean while you're at it." He laughed softly as his lips traveled over her body. In moments they were in his bedroom and Scully was again marveling at what Mulder could do to her with merely the lightest touch. She let the sensation of his hands on her body take over. **** When Mulder awoke the next morning, Scully was not in bed. He didn't hear the water running either. He got up and went into the living room. Scully was on the couch, reading the trial transcripts, and crying quietly. She didn't notice him so he watched her for a moment. Occasionally, she covered her mouth with her hand as she read. A few times she closed her eyes momentarily. "Scully," he whispered. She jumped. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." He walked over and sat at the other end of the couch. Taking the file from her, he said, "There is really no point in reliving this." He noted she had been reading her testimony when the defense had questioned her. "He did what he had to...he formed the only case he could to defend his client. He was a public defender, Scully. He had to do the best he could. The jury saw through the lies. No one believed that you wanted what happened in that house to happen." She looked down, away from him...unable to meet his eyes. Her expression was full of guilt. "You can talk to me if you want to, Scully. I'll listen, not judge. You know that." She looked back at him for the briefest moment, obviously struggling to decide if she should speak. "His defense was not entirely without truth," she whispered. "How is that?" he asked neutrally...gently. Scully was silent for so long that Mulder thought she wouldn't answer. "Ryan didn't just rape me," she finally whispered. "He didn't just force himself...he acted as if we were lovers...he kissed me...touched me..." She trailed to a stop, tears streaming silently down her face. "And sometimes, despite yourself, your body responded," he finished her sentence for her in a whisper. She closed her eyes tightly and covered her face with her hands. He pulled her against him. "Scully, you're a doctor, a scientist. You know that stimulus produces a response. It is natural and occasionally uncontrollable. It's not wrong. And it doesn't make what he did any less wrong. And it doesn't make the defense's claims correct." "I didn't want him to...." she began in a whisper. "I know that, Scully. I know that. I don't doubt it for a second. " She was silent for a long time, crying in his arms. Then she pulled back and looked at him, even more guilt and shame in her eyes. "It was not always entirely uncontrollable and unintentional, Mulder." She looked down again. He remained quiet so she continued. "After I had been there a while and he saw he wasn't going to get what he wanted...a happy little home... that I wasn't going to respond as he wanted...he got angry about it. That's when things went from just sex to...more obscene...perverse things. He was trying to hurt me...physically. Once, I actually passed out." She glanced at Mulder. His eyes were closed. She could tell he was trying not to cry. "I think I actually must have remained unconscious for some time because it was light out when it happened and dark the next thing I remember...Ryan was scared. When I woke up he was holding me...I still hurt and I started crying. He held me...stroked my hair...I don't remember exactly...but when he kissed me, I responded. I don't know if it was to avoid the alternative...the way he had been treating me...or if it was because after the violence, I needed anything tender...gentle. I definitely responded. Willingly. I enjoyed it. Wanted it." She looked at Mulder again. He fists were clenched and he was crying openly. He saw her react to his posture and he forced himself to relax. "Scully, that is not willingness, it's desperation. It's self- preservation. Instinctual. You know that. You know that." "But I enjoyed it, Mulder." "More than being hurt? I hope so. Scully that's how torture works. You hurt someone badly enough and they'll do or say anything you ask. And they'll do it 'willingly' because they'll do anything to avoid the pain. You know that." They were both silent for a moment. "In his diary," Mulder whispered, "Ryan referred to this, Scully. He didn't mention what he did that night. Just that he finally found what worked. Something that worked...that made you come to him. He did this on purpose. What he did was intentional and carefully orchestrated, Scully. Your reactions were instinctual and probably saved your life. He would have only escalated the violence. You know that. Violent crimes always escalate. Nothing you did in that house to save your life was wrong, Scully. Nothing. Everything you did was exactly by the book for surviving and escaping that type of situation." "That doesn't make it any less repulsive," she whispered, obviously suffering. "No, but it does mean you shouldn't feel guilty about it. If you can accept you did the right thing, that would be a step in the right direction." "How can you even look at me, knowing what I did?" she whispered. He drew her into his arms and held her tightly. "Scully, I can because I'm proud of the strength you had. I thank God for it. You did what you had to and I can hold you in my arms tonight because of it. I can know that tomorrow I'll wake up and you'll be next to me. I'd rather do that than stand over your grave and say, 'Well at least she died without compromising a single principle.' I meant what I said on the stand...I would have killed myself if we had found your body. I would have made sure Ryan was dead and then I would have killed myself." "Mulder," she whispered breathlessly, pulling him tighter. "Don't say that...don't..." "It's the truth." "I could be killed in the field at any time, Mulder." "No. I'd never let that happen. When we are in the field, you are my first priority. This thing with Ryan...I couldn't do anything..." he shook his head. "I was completely helpless to do anything...I thought I'd loose my mind." He made her look at him. "The only reason I could hold it together was because I knew you could. I knew that eventually you'd escape if we couldn't find you first. Thank God you did. However you did it, thank God you did." He held her for a long time, rocking her gently in his arms. Her cheek was against his chest and he could feel her breath finally calming. She was still for some time before she pulled away. He saw the guilty expression was still in her eyes. She obviously still had something to say. He tried to keep his expression neutral. This was the most she had willingly opened up to him. He wanted her to feel comfortable with it...as much as she could. "Mulder, there were other aspects of the defense arguments that were true," she began again, voice soft. "Such as?" he encouraged. "The lawyer...he asked me if I was interested in doing any of the things Ryan made me do...if I was interested in experimenting with...." she didn't seem able to finish the sentence. "I remember the testimony," Mulder said. That line of questioning had infuriated him. Scully paused and then said very quietly, "To some extent, my answer was I lie. I was...curious." Mulder reacted harshly. "Scully," he said loudly. She looked at him automatically. "I will never in my life believe that you would be the least bit interested in repeating the things you describe happened in that house with Ryan." "No! Most of them, no. Some of them..." she bit her lip and avoided his gaze, "...some of them, yes I would. Some of the things he made me do...I would do again. Not with Ryan, obviously." Mulder closed his eyes and took a deep breath, obviously trying to reign in his temper. "Scully, that's the point," he said more calmly. "If you did some of those things with someone you loved, not someone holding you prisoner, there would be nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with...a little experimentation...if both people agree to it and enjoy it. You didn't agree to anything with Ryan. Someone being held prisoner can not give consent. But if something happened between us, it would be because we decided to do it together. And there is nothing wrong with that." She still didn't look at him. "Come on, Scully. I'm a pretty liberal guy. You can't shock me. You can't name much that I haven't tried once. If you like it, there's nothing wrong with it." "Mulder, you know I don't believe that," she whispered. "I'm Catholic. The Church teaches that sex is for married couples...to have children." He stared at her a moment. "Scully this is going to sound cruel and I'm sorry but it's the truth--we are not married, so if you're worried about religion, you're already in trouble there. And if we were married, you can't have children, so you'll have to find some other reason to have sex. How about because it's enjoyable?" She looked at him a moment, shocked, and then looked down. "Scully, I don't want to hurt you...maybe you should talk to a priest about this...but I'm serious. Scully, look at me." She did. "Are you sorry that we have a physical relationship? Do you believe that what we're doing is a sin? Do you want to stop it?" "No," she whispered. "I don't want to stop it. I do believe it's a sin, though. One I don't know how to stop committing." He looked upset. "Scully, I never knew you felt this way...I mean...I know you're Catholic and I know you take it seriously...I never knew you felt...." He stopped and studied her. "So sex is for having children. Does that mean that people who can't have children, can't have sex?" "Of course not. Sex between married couples is the physical manifestation of the union between husband and wife....It's a gift from God. It's not to be perverted by unnatural acts." He looked at her, struggling to keep his expression neutral. "What are unnatural acts, Scully?" She didn't answer. "What unnatural acts are you interested in?" "Mulder," she whispered, warningly. "I'm serious, Scully. Have we committed some of those unnatural acts already? How long is your list of sins for your next confession because of me?" "Don't make fun of me, Mulder." Her tone brooked no argument. That had never stopped Mulder. "I assure you, I am not making fun of you. I'm very serious. I had no idea I was contributing to actions that weighed this heavily on your conscience. I have no desire to do that, Scully." She sighed. "No desire, huh? Enough to not have sex with me...to not let me sleep in your bed...to not live with me? We are practically living together, you know?" "I know, but if this is hurting you...yes." She looked at him and saw he was earnest. "Mulder, I didn't mean for this discussion to go here...I don't want to loose you..." "I'm not saying that, Scully. I love you. That isn't going to change and you aren't going to loose me...you're not going to loose the personal side to our relationship. But I'm not going to do anything that hurts you either. The exact nature of that personal relationship can change without forfeiting the relationship itself. I want you to take some time and think about what you want and what you can live with and not betray your beliefs. I'll be honest, Scully. I don't agree with them. I don't believe there is anything wrong with consensual sexual acts between informed adults. No matter what the act is, as long as both parties want it. But that's the key--both parties. I would never ask you to do something that you think is a sin." "I know that. The problem arises because I want to do them. I want to commit those sins." "Scully, I'm not a priest...but it's not a sin to want to sin...to think about it. It's only a sin to commit the sin. Isn't that true?" "Yes." "Then don't commit the sins. And if that includes having sex with me...don't do it." She remained silent without looking at him. "Will you tell me what unnatural acts peaked your curiosity?" She closed her eyes. He remained silent. It was obvious that she was working up the courage to tell him. "I honestly did enjoy the time we..." she didn't continue. He knew what she was referring to. "Because, as you said on the stand, nothing happened that wouldn't have happened otherwise." "And because there was some thrill involved in feeling out of control." This was an almost inaudible whisper. "And do you think you could ever enjoy that again...after what happened." "I trust you, Mulder," she said looking at him evenly. He stared at her a moment and then closed his eyes. "Jesus, Scully," he whispered. They were silent for a moment. Eyes still closed, he jumped slightly when she spoke again. "The Church does not allow things like..." she paused struggling to phrase her sentence. "Acts that can not lead to conception," she whispered. "Like oral and anal sex," he specified. She nodded. "I find it extremely difficult to believe that you enjoyed the latter. I know how painful that act can be. I doubt Ryan was careful not to hurt you." She nodded, eyes lowered. "I find it surprising that you would enjoy performing the former. You're not that aggressive sexually and even though you enjoy it when I do it, it obviously makes you uncomfortable. I don't think you're uncomfortable with it because it's a sin. I think it's too intimate for you." Now she closed her eyes. "There's a lot of truth in that. But I want that intimacy with you." "And I want it with you," he whispered. "But not if it hurts you. Not if it makes you uncomfortable." Again, the conversation fell silent for several moments. "Scully, I want you to think about the nature of our relationship." "Mulder, don't do this..." "Scully, I'm not doing anything. I just was surprised by some of the things you said. I want you to think. Maybe speak to Father McCue. That's all. And tell me what you decide." "And if I decide I do feel guilty...." "Then we do things your way, Scully. I will still love you." "I don't want to be alone," she whispered. "You don't have to be, Scully. I want you here, if you want to be here." Mulder watched Scully carefully for the rest of that day. As she slept in his arms that night, he contemplated their discussion. He knew there were easy solutions to the conflict she was feeling. He just wasn't sure she was ready to think about them. **** Their lives slowly returned to normal. Or as close to normal as they were going to be ever again. Mulder chose a relatively simple case for their first fieldwork after the trial. Ryan was sentenced to life in prison without the opportunity for parole. Scully seemed more relaxed. The Sunday after their conversation, she went to church. He knew she hadn't been to church since she had escaped Ryan. He couldn't resist following her. Sitting unnoticed in the back of the large church, he watched her skip communion and stay after the service to speak to Father McCue. He was initially surprised that she missed communion until he remembered something about making a confession before communion. She spoke to the priest for over an hour, crying through most of the conversation. He was certain, even from this distance, that Father McCue was crying as well. Mulder didn't ask Scully about her conversation with Father McCue. He needed her to come to him if she could. She said nothing. She also made it plain that she wanted to continue staying with Mulder...sleeping in his bed. They worked their case the next week and Scully got up to go to church again on Sunday. "Scully?" he said as he watched her getting dressed. "Yes." "Do you mind if I go with you?" "To church?" she said, voice rising in surprise. "Mulder, you're Jewish." "My mother is Jewish. I haven't been inside a synagogue since I was a child." "Mulder, every case we've ever had that has been spiritually related, you scoffed at it...and me. I can't imagine why you would want to go to Mass with me." "Because I want to make some decisions. I need more information to make them." "What sorts of decisions, Mulder?" she asked nervously. "I need to understand how you are feeling about...our relationship." "Mulder...I don't want this to come between us." "I don't either. That's why I need to understand how you feel about this...I need to understand what this religion means to you...what it is. So I can understand what's going on and deal with it better." "Mulder, you can't study Catholicism and understand it. Religion is faith, not materials to be memorized." "I know that, Scully. I don't expect to memorize the Bible and understand you. That's why I want to go with you. I want to see what you experience." "Promise me you won't make fun of me or the Mass." "I would never do that, Scully." "You've made fun of my faith more times than I can count, Mulder." He looked hurt. "I'm sorry, Scully. I promise I won't do that again." She nodded warily. "Ok, Mulder. Get into a suit. I'm leaving in ten minutes." When Mulder attended Mass with her three weeks in a row, the third time when they were out of town on a case, Scully was amazed. They had numerous conversations about religion. Mulder seemed inordinately curious to her. He was also extremely patient. He hadn't made a move on her since their conversation. When she had kissed him, he let things go so far, but always stopped her before they had gone too far. When they were kissing on the couch in his living room, she saw she was really going to have to talk with him. He wasn't going to let her take the easy way out on this one. She moved to unbutton his shirt and he pulled away from her, stilling her hands. "Mulder, I want this," she whispered. "I want you to think about it." "I have thought about it. It may be a sin. I can live with that. I can't live without you. I want you. I want to feel your hands on me...I want..." As she spoke, she finished removing his shirt. Her hands ran softly over his chest, followed by her lips. He moaned involuntarily closing his eyes and leaned back enjoying the sensation. He knew if he didn't stop her soon, he wouldn't be able to. When her hands moved to his belt, he quickly convinced himself to accept her statement that she wanted this as incontrovertible fact. When her lips slid down his body and her hands slipped off his pants, he tensed. "Scully..." he whispered. She slid her lips over his already fully erect member and he groaned. She was good. She alternated between circling the head of his penis with her tongue and running her tongue up the length of his shaft while gently fondling him. When she took him fully in her mouth and sucked him, his groans became constant. Suddenly he pulled her up, level with his face, her lips leaving him with a slight pop. "You have to stop...now." "Mulder, I want to...." she began. He interrupted her. "Well I've got other plans." He picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. He was pulling off her clothes before she hit the bed, his lips taking her hungrily. He pulled away from her momentarily. "Scully," he breathed, "I am way out of control...tell me if I...hurt you...if you need me to stop." "The last thing I want is for you to stop," she whispered. He returned to his assault on her body. His lips and hands were everywhere. She reached down to touch him,, but he grabbed her arms. Dragging them above her head, he pinned them there. "Don't Scully. I want to make this last. I can't do that if you don't stop." She laughed. "That's the idea. Maybe I'd like to see you out of control for once." Her smile was mischievous. She pulled her hands from his grasp and reached for him again while at the same time rolling him off her. Caught off guard, he fell to his side next to her. She straddled him. "Scully!" he exclaimed, slightly shocked, turning fully onto his back and trying to push her off him with his hands on her waist. She dragged his hands away. "Be still," she demanded, leaning down and kissing him. He relaxed and she released his hands. Her kisses slid to his neck while his hands slid to her breasts. He kneaded them a moment before pulling her over him to suckle her nipples. She moaned but pulled away from him. Trailing kisses down his body again, her lips returned to his penis. His hips thrust upward involuntarily. Sitting up slightly, he pulled her away with his hands on either side of her face and kissed her. She pushed him down roughly. Pulling his hands from her face, she forced them over his head. "If you aren't still, we'll see how you like handcuffs," she said with a playful expression. "You can't be serious," he stammered, astonished. She answered by reaching for her cuffs at the foot of the bed with her cloths. She dangled them in front of his face. "Go for it," he said, challengingly. He didn't believe she'd do it. She did. He stared at her with an amazed look on his face as she closed the bracelets over his wrists and slid back down his body. He moaned. She returned to licking his head and the under side of his shaft. He involuntarily thrust his hips pressing his cock against her lips. She opened her mouth and took him in. He concentrated on not thrusting into her mouth. Her didn't want to hurt her or push her. But she teased him until he was lost--thrusting his hips, pushing deeper into her mouth. He moaned uncontrollably. He knew he wouldn't last much longer. Struggling against the cuffs, he tried to pull away from her. "Please, Scully, I'm gonna...please...I want to be inside you." She placed kisses back up his body, straddled him, and slid onto him without warning. He moaned again. She began to ride him as he thrust into her deeper. She teased him, going slowly. He writhed under her. "God, Scully...faster...please." She complied. He exploded into her, moaning wildly. When he relaxed, she leaned down and kissed him. "Take these off me," he demanded, voice rough. She smiled and reached for the keys. His eyes were dark, his breathing still heavy and fast. As soon as his hands were free, he flipped her over and pinned her with his body. "You will pay for that," he said with a mock-menacing tone. He kissed her harshly, silencing her response. He kissed her neck, her breasts, her stomach. His hands played over her already swollen clit. He entered her with his fingers while caressing her clit with his thumb. Soon, she was moaning herself, writhing under Mulder. He kissed her again and pulled her into his arms. "I can't believe you did that," he said, laughing softly, after a few moments. She laughed as well. "Honestly, neither can I." She smiled at him. "But you should know better than to challenge me by now, Mulder." "I seem to keep forgetting that," he responded with a serious tone. His smile betrayed his amusement. "Oh well, I think I can live with the consequences. I might even like the consequences." "I got the impression you did," she said kissing him again. **** Mulder had been acting strangely all week and it was getting on Scully's nerves. Her annoyance escalated when he announced he was going out of town for a night but wouldn't tell her where he was going. He promised her it wasn't related to their case and that he'd tell her where he had gone later. That didn't seem like enough to Scully. She was angry and was trying to cover it up. When he came back and suggested they go to dinner the next night, Saturday, with no further explanation, she was tempted to refuse just to spite him. Instead, she took a deep breath and swallowed her anger. Mulder had gone a long time without exhibiting weird behavior. She knew she should be glad. So now, she was sitting in a fancy restaurant with Mulder and trying to figure out what was up. He actually appeared nervous. When they finished dinner and he ordered them coffee, she knew something was up. She decided to confront it. "Ok, Mulder. What's with the dinner and the fancy restaurant and the coffee and all this?" He looked at her evenly. "Am I not allowed to do something nice with you? Must we always eat from paper wrappers?" "What's up, Mulder?" He looked at her. His expression was unreadable. "Scully, you know I love you." "Of course I do, Mulder. I love you too." Her brow furrowed. She couldn't imagine what was wrong that he would start the conversation this way. He looked down, obviously trying to collect his thoughts. "When you told me how you felt about...the physical aspect of our relationship, it made me start thinking." "I thought I made it clear that I made a decision about that," she interrupted. "You did. But you shouldn't have to make that sort of decision. I want you to be completely happy. I know you well enough to know that you can't be completely happy and be unfaithful to your beliefs at the same time. You are too honest for that." "I'm fine, Mulder." "Shut up and let me say this, Scully," he pleaded. She nodded, eyes wide, lost. "I want you to be more than fine. I love you, Scully." He looked at her evenly but she could see a myriad of emotions in his eyes--love, desire...and fear. She looked back at him, slightly alarmed. "It seems to me there is one obvious solution to your discomfort..." Her heart began to pound. She couldn't imagine what that solution was but his attitude was scaring her. She had never seen him this serious or tense. She had promised to let him finish so she kept her mouth shut. Her eyes widened more as she heard him say her given name. He never called her Dana. The completed sentence floored her. "Dana Katherine Scully...will you marry me?" She stared at him. "What did you say?" she breathed. "I asked you to marry me, Scully," he repeated softly. She continued to stare at him. He looked down. "Take some time to think about it, Scully," he whispered. "You're serious," she said, still staring. "Yes, I am," he replied. His tone sounded completely neutral. She was speechless. "My God, Mulder. Where did this come from?" she finally managed. He studied the coffee cup in front of him. "I love you, Scully. Is it so surprising that I'd want to marry you?" She stared again. "I guess I just never saw you as the marrying type." He glanced up at her and back down quickly. She was still too stunned to recognize the hurt in his eyes. "I've been married before, Scully," he replied quietly. She couldn't think of any way to respond to that. The waitress interrupted the silence between them with the check. Mulder glanced at it, dropped some bills on the table, and stood. "Are you ready to leave?" he asked. She stared up at him, unmoving. "I'll take you home," he said quietly after a moment. Hand on her elbow, he pulled her up and guided her to the car. They rode silently to Scully's apartment. She got out but he stayed in the car. "Aren't you coming up?" she asked, leaning back into the car. "I don't think so, Scully" he replied and drove away. By the time Scully got her car and drove to Mulder's apartment, she was really steaming. He had been acting weird all week, he disappeared without telling her where he went, he pulls this insane stunt, and then he gets mad when she doesn't play along. She was really going to let him have it. She entered his apartment. No one was there. She went into the bedroom and saw his dress clothes on the floor. "Son of a bitch went running," she muttered, picking up his jacket from the floor. She shook it out and reached for a hanger. Something flew from the pocket and clattered across the floor. She hung the jacket on the chair and looked around for whatever flew from his pocket. She saw something glittering and picked it up. It was a ring. A diamond solitaire ring. Her jaw dropped. Studying it, she realized it looked familiar. After a minute she placed the memory...it was amongst his mother's belongings in the hospital. She had brought them to her room for her when she was released after her stroke. She remembered noticing how pretty it was. She frowned at it. "What could Mulder possibly be doing with his mother's engagement ring?" she said to herself. "Oh my, God," she whispered. "He was serious." She was still staring at the ring when Mulder returned. She quickly stuffed it into his jacket pocket. He saw her and his brow furrowed. "Scully, I really don't want to argue with you tonight." "Mulder, were you serious tonight?" she asked quietly. "Scully, just let it go." "Please answer me," her tone was pleading. He looked down. "Yes, I was Scully. I'm sorry you don't think I'm the marrying type. But that's fine. However you want it." "Mulder," she whispered. "How many times have you made some sort of joke out of things like this? I didn't think you were serious. Even if I had, we have very fundamentally different views of marriage, Mulder." "Really? What is my view of marriage, Scully?" She shook her head. "I don't know...you married Diana. How serious could you be about marriage?" His expression hardened. She saw him clench his fists. "I loved Diana," he growled. "And I thought she loved me. You know how I feel about permanency in relationships. I didn't marry her casually until something else came along." "I never said that." "Then what do you think my views of marriage are?" "I...I'm sorry, Mulder. I don't have any idea so I shouldn't have said that. You're so flippant about everything traditional. I never thought the institution of marriage was something you'd take seriously." "Have I ever taken anything related to our partnership, much less our personal relationship, less than seriously?" "You always joked with me. You asked me if we should be picking out china patterns...you even asked me to marry you once...." "Over the phone, Scully. When we were friends. It's called flirting. When have I taken you less than seriously?" She stared at him, lost for words. "So you've been practically living with me for the last few months and it never occurred to you to think I'd marry you...in fact you specifically thought I wasn't the 'marrying type' and that I wouldn't marry you? Where does that fit into your Catholic beliefs? How long did you plan to co-habitate with a man who didn't love you or respect you enough to marry you?" "Mulder...I know you love me...and respect me. I didn't think you'd do marriage and I wasn't willing to loose you over that. What we had was enough for me...I was willing to settle for that." "Is that it, or am I just not the type you'd marry?" She lowered her eyes. "I admit," she said softly, "I'd have some reservations about marrying you." He remained silent. "I want to be married in the Catholic Church, Mulder. By a priest." "I know that. That's why I've been going to church with you. To make sure I could make that kind of commitment. I can. At least, I'm willing to for you. I also talked with Father McCue about my divorce. He said he could have the marriage annulled since she abandoned me. He told me we could be married in the Church." Scully stared at him. She couldn't believe he had spoken to Father McCue. "Mulder," she whispered, her voice betraying how amazed she was. She realized she didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry, Mulder," she finally whispered. "I understand, Scully. I should be happy to have what I do with you. I don't know what I was thinking." He walked past her to the bedroom and shower. She stood in place in the living room a moment before his meaning dawned on her. Tears in her eyes, she followed him. He was undressing to take a shower. "That's not what I meant, Mulder," she said, touching his elbow. He said nothing and didn't pause in his undressing. "I meant that I was sorry for the way I acted. That I didn't see you were serious. That I hurt you by assuming you weren't serious." "You don't have to apologize, Scully." He fished in his dresser for clean underwear and disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. When he emerged, she was sitting on his bed. He looked away from her. "I don't mean to be rude, Scully. And I don't mean to imply anything long term by this...but I really need to be alone tonight. Can you give me a little space? Just tonight?" Even in the dim light cast only by the bathroom light in the dark bedroom he saw her pale. She lowered her eyes and moved silently from his bed. He heard her pick up her coat and keys in the living room and he heard the door open and close. Thinking he was alone, he collapsed on the bed. When he looked up, she was in the doorway of his bedroom. "Is one night alone too much to ask for, Scully?" he yelled. She flinched and turned away from the door but stopped without leaving. He was about to tell her to leave when she whispered in the smallest, most timid voice he'd ever heard from her mouth, "Can I still answer your question?" "What question?" he snapped. He needed some space to lick his wounds. She pressed her back against the doorframe but didn't leave. "Your proposal," she whispered. "I think I you've made your point, Scully." "Please, Mulder. I know you're hurt...angry...you have the right to be. I was a complete idiot. Be angry with me if you want, but give me another chance. Please." "Another chance? I told you, Scully. I just need a night alone. Just tonight. I don't mean anything permanent by it." "I do. I don't want you to need a night alone. I want to tell you that I want to marry you...if the offer is still on the table," she rushed to get the words out and stared at him to see his reaction. He was still. She closed her eyes. "Please, Mulder. I know I hurt you. I know I screwed this up. Big time. That doesn't have to mean we can't fix it. Be angry. I don't blame you. But don't...don't let the way I acted ruin this. I want to marry you." Her eyes were still closed, so she jumped when he put his arms around her. "Are you certain?" he whispered. "God, yes," she replied, face buried against his chest. She felt his arms tighten around her. "I'm so sorry," she whispered again. He silenced her with a kiss and held her for several minutes before pushing her back to look into her eyes. "Are you certain, Scully?" he asked again. "It didn't sound like the idea of marriage to me had ever occurred to you before." "It hadn't Mulder. I never let myself think about it because it was something I honestly thought I could never have. I told you...was willing to settle for what we had. I made that decision after you asked me to reconsider how I felt about...the sin of sex outside marriage. I decided I wanted you no matter if it was a sin or not. I'd certainly rather marry you. I love you, Mulder." "I love you too." He pulled her against him again. "Scully, I want to show you something. A ring. You can choose your own if you prefer. But this one has been in my father's family for seven generations. I asked my mother for it. If you like it...." he reached into his jacket pockets and produced the ring she saw earlier. "This is where I went on Thursday. To Chilmark to speak with mom about this." He gave it to her. "I know my mom and dad aren't exactly the example of marriage that anyone would want to follow, but they're the only couple to wear that ring and break their vows." "I love this ring, Mulder. I'd be honored to wear it." He smiled. She put it on her finger. It was too big. "We'll go to the jeweler tomorrow and have it sized." She nodded. "Are you sure you don't want to pick out your own ring?" "This one means a great deal more, Mulder. And it's beautiful. I love it. I know a jeweler that will size it while we wait. He opens early." Mulder smiled. "We'll go first thing in the morning, Scully." She smiled back at him and then her expression turned serious. "What?" he asked gently. "Two things." "Ok." "Mulder...it would be wrong to accept your proposal and not discuss this with you. We have to talk about it...you know I can't have children. How do you feel about that? You can't tell me you wouldn't like a child." He looked down. "Scully," he said slowly. "How do you feel about artificial insemination?" "I wouldn't be opposed to going that route if you wanted it, but I won't do a surrogate mother. I'm perfectly capable of carrying a child and surrogates are too risky. Another thing, Mulder--finding an egg donor is going to be remarkably expensive. And insurance doesn't cover these things." "Scully. I have something to tell you. It's going to make you extremely angry. I should have told you a long time ago. I just didn't know how." "What is it, Mulder?" Her tone was frightened. More stress was something she definitely did not need. "I have a vial of your ovum. Frozen." He didn't beat around the bush. Her jaw dropped. "How?" she asked incredulously. "When I found the files about your abduction when you had cancer. The vials were there too. I had them checked. They're viable." "Oh my God, Mulder. Oh my God." "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't know how. I would have if you'd become seriously involved with someone." "Why did you steal it? The vial." "Because I knew you'd want it. I couldn't leave it there. Please don't be angry." "I'm not angry. I'm shocked. I never thought I could have my own children." She looked at him. "Mulder, I want that. I want to have children." "I know. I want it too. Please tell me you forgive me." "Forgive you? Mulder, you just gave something I thought was irreplaceably lost back to me. I'm not angry." "I should have told you sooner." "I'm not angry. How have you stored them? Genetic material has to be stored very precisely..." "I have them at the university hospital at Georgetown under an assumed name to prevent interference by the Consortium. They are safe and healthy." "Do you know how many there are?" "Hundreds, Scully. More than enough to conceive however many children you want to have." "Are you sure they're mine?" "Yes, I had it tested." "My God, Mulder." She was silent, absorbing what he had told her. "What was the second thing?" he asked. "What?" "You said you wanted to ask two things. What was the second?" She smiled. "Do you still want me to go home?" She was certain what his answer would be now. He laughed. "May I ask you to stay here instead?" "I'd like that very much," she replied, slipping into his arms. "I love you, Scully. The last few months have been absolute hell, but they're over now. A new life starts tonight, ok?" He felt her nod against his chest. "I mean it. A whole new life. I can't promise we'll always be safe. You know that. But I can promise we'll always be together." "That's all I want, Mulder. It's all I need." fin